Anybody Seen My Closure? (Part II)

narcissist-closureWhen a narcissistic lover walks away from a relationship, the victim typically is left to feel that he or she didn’t get the closure needed to address the bitter ending. It took me many years of grieving on and off over this lack of closure to finally understand what it is and what it is I was really grieving over – because it wasn’t closure. When I stopped to think about the fact that, out of all the seemingly hundreds of times I was discarded by the narcissist, there wasn’t one single time that I ever felt closure? Not one? That just didn’t seem logical to me. How could that be? Not one time? I started to come to the conclusion that perhaps this elusive closure I’d been missing for over a decade didn’t exist after all. Perhaps wanting this closure thing was just my way of holding myself down, keeping myself chained to the memory…keeping myself available for the narcissist to return to when he was ready. It became clear that, either way, whether closure existed or it didn’t, it wasn’t a good thing!

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Okay, so in Part I of Anybody Seen My Closure?, we talked about two points – or truths – relative to closure when it comes to the ending of a relationship with a narcissistic partner:  Truth #1it doesn’t exist and Truth #2when we say we want closure, what we really want is revenge. In Part I, I talk about Truth #1 in more detail so feel free to re-read or catch up with that article. In this article, I want to focus a little on Truth #2….the revenge factor.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to see these narcissistic mofo’s suffer and don’t let anyone tell you differently. I truly believe that when the narcissistic discard first happens, we are so downtrodden…so distressed over our own cognitive dissonance….so brainwashed by narcissistic manipulation, that we are genuinely sadder than sad. Because the separation anxiety feels, at that point, like it will be so much worse than the anxiety of having the narcissist around, we really do want this person back. We wish and we wish that, if we can’t have this person, the least he or she could have done is leave us with some closure! At that very moment, the feeling of not having closure is the saddest thing in the whole world.

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But, two or three days later, when we find out that the narcissist is with the OW,  what do we want then? Sure, we still call it closure but is that really what we want – especially considering the fact that most of us don’t even know what it is anyway? No, what we really want is revenge. Calling it closure makes the thought politically correct and makes us not feel like – God forbid – we’ve caught a bit of the narcissism bug ourselves.  The truth is that calling it “closure” does make us good people and, indeed, separates us from the 2 million degenerate narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths that walk the planet. The truth is that, when it comes right down to it….when all is said and done…most of us aren’t going to do anything to get revenge on the N. And that’s okay too. In fact, it’s the right thing….which leads me to Truth #3: there isn’t a single act of legal revenge that would make a damn bit of difference to the narcissist. And if we conducted an act of revenge that was illegal…well, it might make a difference to the narcissist but we’d be the one that gets in the most trouble.

My point is all of this jarble about closure and revenge is that closure doesn’t exist and what it really represents to us is the act of revenge and if we acted on that act, we’d be in deeper emotional shit than we’re already in. So give up on wanting closure and move on to whatever the next step would be in your narcissist recover plan.

It’s okay to feel sad over what’s happened because it is sadder than sad to realize that someone we loved and supported for however long never loved us to begin with. This person isn’t normal and will never be normal. Narcissists aren’t born normal. A narcissist is one of God’s defective products  and that’s all there is to it. So, of all the things we should feel and pine for when a narcissist partner perpetrates a silent treatment or gives us the big heave hoe to the curb or trades us in for a new victim who better serves his pathological relationship agenda, a lack of closure isn’t one of them. It really isn’t. In realizing this, we can save ourselves from having to get over one of the biggest hurdles that keeps us attached to the whole big mess.

You deserve so much better!

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Zari Ballard, EzineArticles Basic Author

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34 Comments

  • Siol

    October 2, 2016 at 12:09 pm Reply

    Thank you so much for these two posts on closure. I think you have an amazing insight into what most of us are going through and this desperate need for ‘closure’ or as it really should be called, revenge. Once I finally started to see the light of who and what I was dealing with and started to accept that he was not ever the man I thought he was (and believe me, there are days when I still can NOT wrap my head around that), that is when the desire for revenge really kicked in. My question is, what if revenge is possible? What if there is an entirely legal way to exact a result that could really make them him suffer?

    He was my doctor. I was a married patient of his. It has taken me literally years to wrap my head around what happened and come to accept that I was used, abused and manipulated by a textbook, alturistic narcissist and sexual predator. He moved on to another relationship 6 years ago, but has never left me alone in all that time – emails, texts, meeting for lunch, declaring his undying love for me all while being with the woman he left me for. I have researched this ad infinitum looking to give myself my own closure. It’s not happening.

    I have the ability to report him to the College of Physicians and Surgeons. I have already had a meeting with them in 2012 when I was in the middle of a complete breakdown over this. Not only has he egregiously breached his ethics over having a relationship with a patient, he also breached his confidentiality oath as he divulged information about patients and other doctors. It has been made clear to me that the College will do everything in their power to deal with him in the harshest way that they can.

    But, then what? What are the moral, ethical and spiritual implications for me down the road? I am not by nature, a vindictive person, but I have been protecting him for the past 9 years and I now feel that the only way I may be able to move on and put this behind me is to stand up for myself and attempt to put an end to my abuse and the potential abuse of other vulnerable women in his practice.

    I would appreciate any comments that you may have that would assist me in making what is a major decision not just for him, but for me

    • Zari Ballard

      October 4, 2016 at 2:01 am Reply

      Hi Siol,

      Girl, I have so much to say to you…I don’t know if I can do it here but I will try. Please consider booking a consultation with me so we can talk this through. Before making a move like that, you must be clear in your mind about the intention…you must feel confident that you would be able to handle the fallout, if any, and the residual feelings that may or may not be what you were hoping. Believe me, we have all thought of doing just what you are thinking in various forms. Women call me every day who have a plan – a legal way, as you say – that could take this person down for all they have done. I “get it”, I really do. The problem, though, is that it doesn’t have the effect on the narcissist that we envision in our minds. We want them to feel bad, to admit what they’ve done, to understand the pain that they have caused…but THAT is never going to happen. During my 13-years, to “smoke” my ex out of his demoralizing silent treatments, I would take drastic measures, pushing the envelope on what I could do with what I knew of his life. It worked, that’s for sure, but for what reward?

      My thinking here is that there is another way for you to move forward and put this monster behind you and that is to cut off the avenues of communication. Call your cell phone carrier and block him once and for all so that you never receive another text or voice mail or call from him. Block his email. No more lunches. No more anything. Everything they do…everything a narcissist says or does all day long is all about what they can get away with. And what we allow will continue.

      Look, I don’t want to minimize any of this because your situation screams “abuse” by it’s very definition. He broke every rule in the book and the fact that HE DID WHAT HE DID, DIVULGING THE INFORMATION WITHOUT THINKING OF REPERCUSSION shows you how falsely entitled he feels to do anything he wants when he wants with whomever he wants at anyone’s expense. He is disgusting, I agree. But with this type of person – one who feels no empathy, sympathy, guilt, or remorse for any pain he has ever caused – is any punishment ever going to be enough? What if, somehow, he rises above it? What if, somehow, he escapes any professional consequence? There are barracuda lawyers for every situation on the planet and I am certain he has the money to hire one. Consequently, anything can happen…you and everything about the relationship, right down to the most personal detail, may be called into question. There will be no one “on your side” because technically it isn’t about you but the reality is that, in a courtroom or judge’s chambers or before the medical board, his lawyer will make sure it’s ALL about you. This is what I fear. The truth is that, in the end, the narcissist’s revenge on our revenge will always be worse because he will always cross whatever line he needs to cross to be where he wants or needs to be…to save face.

      Please consider booking a talk with me. I understand your pain and I also appreciate that you actually went to the board to explain the situation and hear what they have to say. That took a lot of courage and it says to me that you mean business. However, as you describe, there are implications that cover the spectrum for YOU and it would be with this that I feel I could maybe offer you some food for thought. To feel the “closure”, we must change our perspective of the whole damn thing. This man is a predator in every sense of the word. Once again, I am gobsmacked at the audacity and would be very interested in the details of how it all began. It simply never ceases to amaze me.

      Know that I am here to support you no matter what. You are not alone in this, sister. Recovery, on this website, is considered a team effort:)

      Zari xo

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