Anybody Seen My Closure? (Part II)

narcissist-closureWhen a narcissistic lover walks away from a relationship, the victim typically is left to feel that he or she didn’t get the closure needed to address the bitter ending. It took me many years of grieving on and off over this lack of closure to finally understand what it is and what it is I was really grieving over – because it wasn’t closure. When I stopped to think about the fact that, out of all the seemingly hundreds of times I was discarded by the narcissist, there wasn’t one single time that I ever felt closure? Not one? That just didn’t seem logical to me. How could that be? Not one time? I started to come to the conclusion that perhaps this elusive closure I’d been missing for over a decade didn’t exist after all. Perhaps wanting this closure thing was just my way of holding myself down, keeping myself chained to the memory…keeping myself available for the narcissist to return to when he was ready. It became clear that, either way, whether closure existed or it didn’t, it wasn’t a good thing!

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Okay, so in Part I of Anybody Seen My Closure?, we talked about two points – or truths – relative to closure when it comes to the ending of a relationship with a narcissistic partner:  Truth #1it doesn’t exist and Truth #2when we say we want closure, what we really want is revenge. In Part I, I talk about Truth #1 in more detail so feel free to re-read or catch up with that article. In this article, I want to focus a little on Truth #2….the revenge factor.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to see these narcissistic mofo’s suffer and don’t let anyone tell you differently. I truly believe that when the narcissistic discard first happens, we are so downtrodden…so distressed over our own cognitive dissonance….so brainwashed by narcissistic manipulation, that we are genuinely sadder than sad. Because the separation anxiety feels, at that point, like it will be so much worse than the anxiety of having the narcissist around, we really do want this person back. We wish and we wish that, if we can’t have this person, the least he or she could have done is leave us with some closure! At that very moment, the feeling of not having closure is the saddest thing in the whole world.

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But, two or three days later, when we find out that the narcissist is with the OW,  what do we want then? Sure, we still call it closure but is that really what we want – especially considering the fact that most of us don’t even know what it is anyway? No, what we really want is revenge. Calling it closure makes the thought politically correct and makes us not feel like – God forbid – we’ve caught a bit of the narcissism bug ourselves.  The truth is that calling it “closure” does make us good people and, indeed, separates us from the 2 million degenerate narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths that walk the planet. The truth is that, when it comes right down to it….when all is said and done…most of us aren’t going to do anything to get revenge on the N. And that’s okay too. In fact, it’s the right thing….which leads me to Truth #3: there isn’t a single act of legal revenge that would make a damn bit of difference to the narcissist. And if we conducted an act of revenge that was illegal…well, it might make a difference to the narcissist but we’d be the one that gets in the most trouble.

My point is all of this jarble about closure and revenge is that closure doesn’t exist and what it really represents to us is the act of revenge and if we acted on that act, we’d be in deeper emotional shit than we’re already in. So give up on wanting closure and move on to whatever the next step would be in your narcissist recover plan.

It’s okay to feel sad over what’s happened because it is sadder than sad to realize that someone we loved and supported for however long never loved us to begin with. This person isn’t normal and will never be normal. Narcissists aren’t born normal. A narcissist is one of God’s defective products  and that’s all there is to it. So, of all the things we should feel and pine for when a narcissist partner perpetrates a silent treatment or gives us the big heave hoe to the curb or trades us in for a new victim who better serves his pathological relationship agenda, a lack of closure isn’t one of them. It really isn’t. In realizing this, we can save ourselves from having to get over one of the biggest hurdles that keeps us attached to the whole big mess.

You deserve so much better!

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Zari Ballard, EzineArticles Basic Author

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34 Comments

  • Siol

    October 2, 2016 at 12:09 pm Reply

    Thank you so much for these two posts on closure. I think you have an amazing insight into what most of us are going through and this desperate need for ‘closure’ or as it really should be called, revenge. Once I finally started to see the light of who and what I was dealing with and started to accept that he was not ever the man I thought he was (and believe me, there are days when I still can NOT wrap my head around that), that is when the desire for revenge really kicked in. My question is, what if revenge is possible? What if there is an entirely legal way to exact a result that could really make them him suffer?

    He was my doctor. I was a married patient of his. It has taken me literally years to wrap my head around what happened and come to accept that I was used, abused and manipulated by a textbook, alturistic narcissist and sexual predator. He moved on to another relationship 6 years ago, but has never left me alone in all that time – emails, texts, meeting for lunch, declaring his undying love for me all while being with the woman he left me for. I have researched this ad infinitum looking to give myself my own closure. It’s not happening.

    I have the ability to report him to the College of Physicians and Surgeons. I have already had a meeting with them in 2012 when I was in the middle of a complete breakdown over this. Not only has he egregiously breached his ethics over having a relationship with a patient, he also breached his confidentiality oath as he divulged information about patients and other doctors. It has been made clear to me that the College will do everything in their power to deal with him in the harshest way that they can.

    But, then what? What are the moral, ethical and spiritual implications for me down the road? I am not by nature, a vindictive person, but I have been protecting him for the past 9 years and I now feel that the only way I may be able to move on and put this behind me is to stand up for myself and attempt to put an end to my abuse and the potential abuse of other vulnerable women in his practice.

    I would appreciate any comments that you may have that would assist me in making what is a major decision not just for him, but for me

    • Zari Ballard

      October 4, 2016 at 2:01 am Reply

      Hi Siol,

      Girl, I have so much to say to you…I don’t know if I can do it here but I will try. Please consider booking a consultation with me so we can talk this through. Before making a move like that, you must be clear in your mind about the intention…you must feel confident that you would be able to handle the fallout, if any, and the residual feelings that may or may not be what you were hoping. Believe me, we have all thought of doing just what you are thinking in various forms. Women call me every day who have a plan – a legal way, as you say – that could take this person down for all they have done. I “get it”, I really do. The problem, though, is that it doesn’t have the effect on the narcissist that we envision in our minds. We want them to feel bad, to admit what they’ve done, to understand the pain that they have caused…but THAT is never going to happen. During my 13-years, to “smoke” my ex out of his demoralizing silent treatments, I would take drastic measures, pushing the envelope on what I could do with what I knew of his life. It worked, that’s for sure, but for what reward?

      My thinking here is that there is another way for you to move forward and put this monster behind you and that is to cut off the avenues of communication. Call your cell phone carrier and block him once and for all so that you never receive another text or voice mail or call from him. Block his email. No more lunches. No more anything. Everything they do…everything a narcissist says or does all day long is all about what they can get away with. And what we allow will continue.

      Look, I don’t want to minimize any of this because your situation screams “abuse” by it’s very definition. He broke every rule in the book and the fact that HE DID WHAT HE DID, DIVULGING THE INFORMATION WITHOUT THINKING OF REPERCUSSION shows you how falsely entitled he feels to do anything he wants when he wants with whomever he wants at anyone’s expense. He is disgusting, I agree. But with this type of person – one who feels no empathy, sympathy, guilt, or remorse for any pain he has ever caused – is any punishment ever going to be enough? What if, somehow, he rises above it? What if, somehow, he escapes any professional consequence? There are barracuda lawyers for every situation on the planet and I am certain he has the money to hire one. Consequently, anything can happen…you and everything about the relationship, right down to the most personal detail, may be called into question. There will be no one “on your side” because technically it isn’t about you but the reality is that, in a courtroom or judge’s chambers or before the medical board, his lawyer will make sure it’s ALL about you. This is what I fear. The truth is that, in the end, the narcissist’s revenge on our revenge will always be worse because he will always cross whatever line he needs to cross to be where he wants or needs to be…to save face.

      Please consider booking a talk with me. I understand your pain and I also appreciate that you actually went to the board to explain the situation and hear what they have to say. That took a lot of courage and it says to me that you mean business. However, as you describe, there are implications that cover the spectrum for YOU and it would be with this that I feel I could maybe offer you some food for thought. To feel the “closure”, we must change our perspective of the whole damn thing. This man is a predator in every sense of the word. Once again, I am gobsmacked at the audacity and would be very interested in the details of how it all began. It simply never ceases to amaze me.

      Know that I am here to support you no matter what. You are not alone in this, sister. Recovery, on this website, is considered a team effort:)

      Zari xo

  • MommaSuz

    May 23, 2016 at 3:33 pm Reply

    Glad I read these 2 articles. Even though I know better, I felt like I was “planning” revenge for when we finally are apart– no idea how that could be accomplished, but the desire was there anyway. But these two articles really impressed upon me what I already knew, but needed to hear. He never fought for me over the last 31 years. He did all those things Ns do. He said the same things, acts the same way. Never was my well-being a true concern. He won’t fight for me now. Why would he suddenly see my value now? I am going to make this my mantra:

    he didn’t care then, he won’t care now.

    I’m 51 years old. I would say I wasted 31+ years on him, but I have six great kids, so I only truly wasted the last 10. I don’t have any more time to waste. I’m going to deny the urge to get revenge since it’s a fruitless pursuit anyway. I want to live.

    • Zari Ballard

      June 12, 2016 at 5:22 pm Reply

      MommaSuz wrote…I’m 51 years old. I would say I wasted 31+ years on him, but I have six great kids, so I only truly wasted the last 10. I don’t have any more time to waste. LOL…well that is certainly looking at the glass half full!

      Hi MommaSue,

      I’m sorry for the delay in responding. I love how you allow the fact that you have six great kids to be deducted from the time wasted. You’re awesome! Now, get out now, girl, so you can get on with your life. I wasted 13-years with NO deductions and I’m 54. We do, in fact, have not a single second left to waste.

      Stays strong, sister! Your best revenge will be when you’re free….

      Zari xo

      • Zari Ballard

        June 12, 2016 at 5:25 pm Reply

        Hi MommaSue,

        I had typed “half empty” in my response to your comment about the kids and the time wasted and I meant to type “half full”! I did change it but I don’t know if it will be changed on your end. Please note that:) LOL I meant that your comment was wonderfully positive:)

        Zari xo

    • Movies989

      June 12, 2016 at 6:38 pm Reply

      Wow!!!! I thought I was having a hard time wasting 10-15 years on a narcissist. I can’t imagine 31! I love your positive attitude that you have 6 great kids. I totally get the feeling of wanting to be fought for or valued. My narcissist did try to email me back from a different email. But it it was too late. I had been through all of the excuses and appologies too many times. Only to have the same crap start all over. It just wasn’t worth it. Plus it was weird that he would only email me instead of pick up the phone and call to talk things out. He liked the control he had over getting what he thought out on paper. And let me tell you it was creepy. Not worth a second thought. No concern for other people. Just himself and how people thought of him. Keep up the good work and the positive attitude.

  • a victim in recovery

    January 22, 2015 at 2:23 pm Reply

    I have seen the light…and revenge can be as bittersweet as being discarded…. I have to get the last dig. He has stolen most of my possessions and money right out from under my nose, saying,”How do you know it was me?”
    He doesn’t care about people, just about people’s property.
    Time to complete the restraining order and not waiver this time..this is the third time.

    .
    One of my few friends left witnessed the way dog and I reacted and has been adamant about putting dog in stable envplaying

    • Zari Ballard

      January 26, 2015 at 12:02 am Reply

      Hello “A Victim in Recovery”,

      Get the restraining order and forget about getting the last dig. A narcissist’s revenge on our revenge is always so much worse because there isn’t a single boundary that they won’t cross…and it’s simply not worth it. Stay strong & stay the course. You deserve to be happy and to live a peaceful life.

      Zari xo

      • hopetogodsitsover

        January 26, 2015 at 9:22 pm Reply

        Zari — you are right on! By getting “one last dig” or revenge, contact continues and he gets the attention he craves. No contact, let him go. I left possessions at his house, let the domestic violence charge get dropped — all in order to just have the protective order in place so he could have no contact. Best decision ever!

        • Zari Ballard

          January 31, 2015 at 3:57 am Reply

          Hi hopetogoditsover,

          Yes, it is the best decision ever! Good for you and I wish you the best…it’s a decision you will NEVER regret:)

          Stay Strong!

          Zari xo

        • Allison

          January 31, 2015 at 4:33 pm Reply

          That one last dig is what they are great at. It’s true. My ex friend knew exactly what to say to get that “You think what?!” thought process from me. I had to say stuff like; “No, the end of the world is not happening.” “The trash is too heavy cause you have a cat? Use the poop scooper…” They know exactly how to turn it on and off for the reaction. It’s what they are good at.

  • Pam

    January 1, 2015 at 10:18 pm Reply

    So, here is my story — and it is so freeing to be able to share it with people who truly understand. I feel so vindicated and relieved after reading this information — because there ware so many times in the last few months that I wondered what was going on with me. Why couldn’t I just get over what happened (or what didn’t happen)? Why was I so numb? Embarrassed? Was I depressed? I had never had this reaction after a breakup. So, I turned to the internet and started putting in different phrases – like “silent treatment”, started learning more about Narcissism and have found a couple of groups on FB that have been very helpful.

    I met this guy through a “therapist” and I put that in quotes because I now have so many questions now about her ethics. She has a matchmaking service and contacted me about “a man she wanted me to meet.” We met and started dating. He said most of the right things (not all) and the relationship didn’t quite go the way I was used to having things to happen, but I ignored my intuition. Because of the way we met, I thought he must be ok — after all, why would a “therapist” introduce me to someone unless she had good thoughts about him.

    He talked about marriage early on, and we became inseparable. He seemed open and invited me into his life – we met each other’s family, friends and work colleagues. He was quick to tell them how much he cared about me and that we were going to be married.
    I almost broke it off with him early on when I caught him in a lie about how long it had been since his prior relationship – which according to him was a long term “off and on” relationship. He had told me it was about a year and I learned it had only been about a month or so. His “explanation” was that he never said that and made up yet another lie about how long it had been. He started giving me the silent treatment after that argument, which was really a lecture by him about how wrong I was and there was no way that what I saw on his computer (a dated letter from her to an employer with her name and HIS address) and FB page was true (dated pictures @ a graduation). Upon the advice of well meaning friends I re-initiated contact and thinks went back to “normal”.

    Although we spent lots of time together, something was always off that I couldn’t put my finger on. And there were 2 times after that initial argument that he stopped talking to me without any provocation. When I asked him about it, he said it was because he had something on his mind. I thought this was the weirdest thing I had ever heard, yet talking to other people, they said that this was what men did – they all need their alone time. Yet, I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was somehow different.

    The morning I was scheduled to give a presentation at work, he told me in a phone conversation as we talked on my way to work that he wanted to “take a time out”. We hadn’t argued or anything, and I was so shocked that he would deliver that news — especially right after I had told him I had a big presentation. The whole conversation was only about 10 minutes. And I was left sitting in the parking lot at work wondering what the hell just happened, knowing I had to pull myself together in just a few minutes for the presentation. He had said we would talk about it that evening, yet he didn’t call me and my call to him went unanswered. I emailed him the next day and he gave a curt response about being busy. So, I left him alone .. and waited, and waited and waited to hear from him. I was devastated, kept asking myself why – and kept retracing everything about the relationship for “signs”. I had too much pride to contact him after such an unceremonious blow off.

    Then, 3 months later I got a text from him, which I ignored. Then a phone call, which I also ignored, and then an email. In the email he had the nerve to ask me for my help with something. I responded to him to leave me alone and he wrote back something crazy about me being responsible for his silence and that I needed to stop being selfish and step up to the plate to save the relationship. This made me sooooo angry — I can’t even begin to describe the rage I felt!! So I sent him a letter telling him exactly how I felt about him, and what had happened, and blocked him on my phone, email and all social media accounts.

    When I tried to tell the therapist what had happened via email, she responded by saying that she didn’t read my email – that it was too long and TMI (direct quote). I have blocked her also – on my phone and on my email and on all social media, and unsubscribed from her posts about her book and matchmaking service.

    It’s been a couple of months since I sent the letter and he has contacted me twice since then – once through someone else and most recently (Wednesday) directly through a linkedin request. The first attempt I ignored, the next one I responded via linkedin messenger telling him again to go away and leave me alone!! He wrote back something so incredibly crazy that I immediately had to thank GOD that I was no longer in that relationship. He had the gall to deny that he made the linked in request!

    From reading what is on the website, I know now that NO CONTACT is the only way. No matter what.

    My one word for the year – instead of making new year’s resolutions – is gratitude. And being out of that relationship is at the top of the list.

    Thanks for your work on this! I am also following you on Twitter.

    • Zari Ballard

      January 10, 2015 at 2:53 am Reply

      Dearest Theresa,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story and please forgive me for the delay in responding. The holidays have thrown me for a loop and I am desperately trying to catch up. Your post had me riveted to attention…I am so sorry that this person has put you through that and I hope to God that you are okay and made it through the holidays unscathed. Yes, No Contact is the ONLY way to move on and the ONLY way you will even begin to save your very SOUL from this monster.

      I was completely horrified by the added twist of the “therapist” and how she had her hand in that situation. THIS person is very dangerous and I hope she got your message of No Contact loud and clear as well. What the hell is wrong with her and how can she be that “off” in her analysis of the people she sets people up with. I’m sorry, but that is just too weird for words. As we speak, I have no doubt that she is hooking his ass up with yet another woman or who knows but HOLY CRAP that is absolutely nuts. It makes me furious that she wouldn’t even entertain the idea that she had made a very big mistake or even listen to what you had to say. Consequently, this asshole narcissist essentially not only has unlimited supply coming in but a matchmaker to boot who’s only to happy to hook him up. How do they know each other? There is something so very wrong with that picture! Once again, my heart goes out to you…it really does!

      Thank you for your kind words about my work. If you can, please download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because you will relate to my story and to all the stories in it. I, too, suffered through 100’s of silent treatments and unexplained disappearances. The pathology of the lies that spews from the mouths of these monsters is incredible. I have no doubt that the girlfriend that you discovered in his not so distant past has been through a bit of hell herself and now I’m wondering if this matchmaker fixed him up with her as well. Seriously, this therapist/matchmaker is running a scam and has the potential to ruin many lives. Thank God is right that you are free of this situation!!! I wish you nothing but the best and I do hope you will let me know how you are doing. You seem like a strong, wise woman and my heart breaks for your story. Your description of the way you had to get it together before that presentation just minutes after he blindsided you with his “announcement” brought tears to my eyes. I’d been there, done that so many times during my 13-years of hell. He would actually SAVE the bad news for my drives into the office just so that he could ensure the anxiety in my day. Bastards…all of them.

      Stay strong, girlfriend and please feel free to write any time. 🙂

      Zari xo

  • Christine

    December 9, 2014 at 6:44 pm Reply

    I admit that I once fantasized about taking a Louisville slugger to both headlights and slashing a hole in all four tires (you can guess what song I happened to hear on the radio in my car haha). Especially since he really does have a pretty little souped-up car he loves. On some level I admit I think he deserves SOMETHING, even if it wouldn’t be anything like what I went through. My final silent treatment came after I didn’t go over to his place the exact day and time he wanted, because I had promised my sister to look after my two year old nephew. I went over the day after that, but guess that wasn’t enough. For reasons I’ll never completely understand, he always seemed to hate my nephew with a passion, for whatever reason. Well, that’s part of what motivated me to cut this jerk off, once and for all. I absolutely adore that beautiful kid and can’t be with anyone who has a problem with that. Even before that, it bothered me how he’d be so pissy whenever I didn’t go to him when he wanted, as if I’m his pet dog that is supposed to “heel” at his side the second he snaps his fingers. I don’t apologize for having my own needs and life separate from his.

    However, I would never actually take revenge even if I could magically escape the legal consequences (and whatever revenge he’d dish on my revenge). Stooping that low and turning into that type of person would actually give him what he wanted all along. He always seemed to be both fascinated by, and contemptuous of, my kind nature. He always said how I’m so sweet it killed him. As the cliche goes, I always sensed he was trying to turn me from a good girl into a bad one. In hindsight I think he was almost trying to turn me into him…by insisting that I like the same things he liked, watched what he watched, etc. He even wanted me to drink what he likes. At a bar crawl with friends he actually shoved the glass up to my lips and made me gulp down that nasty drink. In the end I don’t want to give him the satisfaction that he’s pulled me down to his level at last. Rather than wallowing in the mud with him, I’ll move on with my head held high.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 10, 2014 at 1:11 am Reply

      Hi Christine,

      Well said! And I love that song, girl! Let’s see, mine used to give me silent treatments if I didn’t make it to the phone to answer his phone calls during the down-slide. Never mind the fact that more often than not HE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO HAVE A PHONE!!! Oh NO, that didn’t count!

      If I knew that things weren’t going so good (i.e. headed for silence), I would waste entire days with my head glued to my cell phone JUST IN CASE he called (because, of course, he wasn’t answering MY calls). Moreover, I’ve always had a cell phone AND a land line so he really kept me jumping – and my son too. We’d be walking out the door to go somewhere (me and my son) and the land-line would be ringing at the other end of the apartment, and the two of us would practically trip over each other trying to get to it in time. If I missed it and immediately called him back? You guess it…no answer! Either that or he’d shut his phone off right away so that when I called back, it went to voice mail. Then I would spend the rest of the night leaving desperation messages. Same thing with my cell. He liked to call my cell in the middle of the night because he knew I’d be sleeping and wouldn’t hear it. He wouldn’t call the land-line THEN because he knew that phone was right by my head while I slept. If he REALLY wanted to fuck with me, he’d ring my son’s phone which my son never really kept with him at all times (and he knew that) so that he could be mad that BOTH of us didn’t run to pick it up.

      IS ALL THAT INSANITY OR WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY CRAP, WHAT WERE WE THINKING?????? LOLOL

      Zari xo

      • Christine

        December 10, 2014 at 11:49 pm Reply

        WTF? What else is there to say to that? Why was it okay for HIM to not answer his phone, but not you? (rhetorical question, don’t expect a logical answer for that!) LOL, what were we thinking??? It’s amazing how these guys manipulate us into accepting such unfair double standards. Like how it was okay for mine to have his own separate plans with his friends and family, but I can’t because I have to be available to him the second he wants? Oh, I get it, because I’m the slave/sex toy/blow up doll he gets to have at his disposal, and he’s the divine master who gets to dictate everything on his terms.

        Another good song to youtube is “Ugly Heart” by G.R.L. I laughed at the end of the video when I saw what the girls did to the guy with the ugly heart–which would also be another fate worse than death for narcs. However, I’m satisfied with only fantasizing about revenge with catchy tunes! (and even in this video fantasy there were consequences, they were arrested! He’s not worth the trouble of bail money and jail)

        • Zari Ballard

          December 14, 2014 at 10:47 pm Reply

          Hi Christine,

          Wanted to say that I appreciate all your comments/posts in response to the articles and also to the stories of others. So don’t stop! It’s important to me that those who come here for support have more than just my voice to listen to. We can all learn from each other and that’s why we’re here:) Thanks again, sister!

          Zari xo

  • movies989

    December 7, 2014 at 8:44 pm Reply

    Ok, How long does it take for the sadness to go away? I’m the one who left the insanity. I ended up having to block his email address because nothing I did made a difference, and I came to the realization that I was enabling him to keep using me to help solve his “elaborated” issues and or drama that he creates to go along with the issue at hand. I still feel bad for not being able to make it work. Even though, no one could make it work. I get that it’s irrational, and doesn’t make sense.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 14, 2014 at 9:14 am Reply

      Hi movies989,

      Sorry for the delayed response…..it’s true that even if you’re the one to leave the insanity, it hurts bone deep. You have done the right thing by blocking him at all avenues of communication. No one deserves to spend their life in the middle of such chaos. As for how long the sadness lasts, you have to allow yourself time to mend. My second book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing, may be of help to you because it focuses on the recovery process. Its downloadable workbook from Amazon, filled with recovery steps and written exercises to get you past the most painful parts. What I find to be the biggest culprit is the fact that we mismanage the memories that keep us addicted and this is the biggest roadblock.

      Understand that NOTHING was your fault. Do not feel bad for not being able to make it work because, like all of us here, I’m sure you did everything humanly possible. This person isn’t fixable, my friend, and he also doesn’t care to be fixed. A narcissist is not capable of understanding the true meaning of compassion, love, and even friendship but they become expert pretenders and this is how they get through life. Please read the book if you can and continue to read through the articles and comments on this site and others like it. You will see that you are not alone!

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • HopeToGodItsOver

    January 9, 2014 at 6:13 pm Reply

    I’ve been with my N for 11 years. Never lived together. We probably have broken up and gotten back together 22-33 times, two or three times each year that we’ve been together. The first time I experienced the silent treatment I was sure that it was over. This time seems different. I know he’s cheated before, I’ve caught him dead to rights once. I’ve suspected at other times. This time I can feel it. On Christmas Day, for the first time, he suggested that we live together. We live about 100 miles apart and have been doing the long-distance thing for a long time, meaning that I drive to see him every weekend that we’re not fighting. For about six weeks before Christmas though, he didn’t want me at his house and he started coming to mine. I thought he was being nice (yeah, give me my sign). So on Christmas Day, he suggests that we both sell our houses and buy a house together at the city that is midway between us. I get excited (again, I’m not the brightest crayon in the box), and suggest that we try an apartment first to make sure that we don’t kill each other if we live together. I start looking for apartments. We are intimate. He gives me a mushy, sweet card and some nice gifts. He looks teary-eyed when he opens the gifts I gave him and tells me that I spent too much and should return some of them (never heard that before!). We have plans to continue with the couples counseling we’ve been doing and plans to go to a couples retreat in February.

    All of this follows on one of the worst vacations we ever had in September, where he was physically aggressive — took my phone, pulled covers off me on the bed, ranted in my face. EVERY vacation is horrible. They all involve me doing something that he doesn’t approve of (spilling ice, talking to someone I shouldn’t talk to, talking on the phone to my office, making a wrong turn, etc.) and him ranting at me, swearing, calling me a f—–g piece of s—-t, etc. After that vacation we set up counseling. Both of us in individual and also joint. We’ve done all that before, I have no clue why I thought THIS time it would work.

    Anyway, the day after Christmas he calls me to tell me that he’s only 50-50 that he wants to stay in the relationship. He needs time for “soul searching” (my translation is he has some other woman who he is “searching). He doesn’t want to spend New Year’s together. I got mad. I was in the process of moving my only child to another state over the holiday to go to school and I was sad that he was moving and stressed over the move. I sent him a bunch of pathetic text messages and email messages asking why. Then I sent him pissed off messages. I got one message back telling me that the problem with the relationship is how controlling I am. Sigh.

    SO I’m reading this article above and I know I have to go no contact. I have been no contact since December 30. Today is January 9th, but I haven’t blocked my phone or email. Why? Because I do want revenge. I am secretly hoping that he will hoover and then I can have the satisfaction of ignoring him and seeing his pleading text messages and email messages wanting me back. It’s sick and I know it’s sick. I want him to hurt the way I hurt. And yes, I know that he won’t because he is a narcissist and he has no heart or soul or feelings. I know that. I just can’t seem to integrate what my brain knows into what I feel.

    I want this to be the last time that I am discarded and treated like crap. I want to move on. I just can’t find the strength to block everything. I keep reading the articles here over and over and over. They help give me enough strength to not contact him. By the way, I’m 49 and I’m a professional. These relationships happen to anyone and everyone. These guys are sadistic and they are experts. I feel like an idiot.

    • Zari

      January 9, 2014 at 11:11 pm Reply

      Hi Girlfriend,

      I know I’ve said this 100 times before, but I swear, if I didn’t know better, I’d say that we all dated, lived with (or didn’t live with), married (or didn’t marry) the same damn guy. If you haven’t read my book When Love Is a Lie, please do. You will see yourself on every page. I am so sorry this has happened to you. When I read the part about your feelings about moving your only child and then the asshole doing what he did, it made me sick inside. I can so relate to that. These guys do not give a rat’s ass about who suffers the consequences of their narcissistic behavior. Always keep in mind that it is the actual suffering of others that turns them on. Every suspicion you had (about him suddenly coming to your house, not wanting to spend New Years, etc.) is spot-on and don’t you doubt it for a minute. I describe almost the exact same shenanigans in my book. You will be amazed. I spent every holiday season (from October to January) alone every year for 13 years. Narcissists always have at least one other “home” besides yours to attend to. They are Master Jugglers and you can count on the fact that, when the narcissist is with you, there is another girl on the other end getting the silent treatment. And then it reverses – over and over and over.

      Do not feel like an idiot. People who have never been in these types of relationships do not understand the level of betrayal. It is so unlike the normal dysfunction in relationships. The hurt goes so deep. And I understand about wanting revenge and I dedicate a whole chapter to it it my second book. The truth, though, is that you will never ever beat them at their own game. I, too, would wait for him to return just so that I could get him back but it never ever works that way. He will get you before you get him – every time. Believe me, if I thought it would work, I would tell you to go for it. But it just doesn’t. You can’t “hurt” them in the way that we want them to hurt. The difference between us and them is they are always willing to cross that line – whatever that line may be – to cut us to the very bone. How do we win over someone who is willing to do that? We can’t. It has been 14 months since it ended for me and the pain is still fresh. I do go on, though, day after day because I changed the way I see him in my mind. I had to. Please read my book….its on Amazon Kindle (and you don’t need a Kindle to read it). After the first chapter, you’ll think that you must have written it yourself.

      No contact is the only way. It is so hard but you have to save the rest of your life. He will be back again and again and again until he knows for sure that the narcissistic supply on your end has really dried up. But that could waste years and years of your life. A narcissist is extremely patient. He has all the time in the world to ruin your life. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.

      Keep reading…stay strong. I’m rooting for you!

      With Love,
      Zari

      P.S. I’m 51 and I’m pissed I wasted my 40’s on that monster.

      • HopeToGosItsOver

        January 11, 2014 at 9:01 am Reply

        Sari, you were right on the money. In spite of no contact and blocking he showed up on my door step yesterday morning at 7 am. He brought back things that I didn’t want or care about. Admitted that there had been another woman, swears of course, that they didn’t have sex. Now wants to make another try with me. Of course. I cried and talked to him all day. No sex. The hovering is intense and overpowering. You were so right.

        • Zari

          January 13, 2014 at 5:30 am Reply

          Yes, it doesn’t surprise me at all. Don’t believe the part about the no sex…he wouldn’t be with anyone if there was no sex or he wasn’t trying to get it. He threw that lie out there because he knows the sex part is fairly impossible for you to really prove otherwise and therefore you’ll want to believe it. And I’m sure he wrestled with which lie to use too…Do I deny the cheating altogether (which she probably won’t believe) or do I just lie about the sex? If I say I didn’t have sex, she’ll want to believe that so bad that she’ll go for it. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do! He’s a fucking liar. There are a few scenarios that prompted him to show up at your door: 1) the girl on the other end did something, questioned something, accused him of something…and he went Uh oh gotta go!, 2) he suspects that the girl on the other end is getting close to figuring out what’s up, so he’s hurrying back to you real quick to set-up his back-up supply, 3) everything’s just fine on the other end but he’s feeling a little bored so he thought he’d better check back in to make sure you’re in the queue, 4) he’s pissed that you’ve been no contact at all and wants to get back together so he can discard you in the most hurtful way possible while you’re still vulnerable (that’ll teach her!), or 5) any combination of the above.

          I’m going to say this even though you already know it….if you go back or take him back, the next time will be so much worse. And you know there will be a next time. Think with your head, girlfriend. He is what he is and that will never change and can never be fixed. You, on the other hand, can save yourself. I know its hard. Good luck….let me know!

          Zari xxoo

      • hopetogositsover

        December 9, 2014 at 4:32 pm Reply

        Just a quick update to all my drama from about a year ago. I did take him back last January and it did get worse. It ended up with an incident of domestic violence in July, for which he was arrested. I got a protective order against him and he violated that in September. We finally went to Court in November. I allowed the domestice violence matter and the protective order violation to be dismissed in exchange for keeping the protective order in place for a year. All contact is prohibited. For any of you still in a relationship with a narcissist, let me tell you this: I was there for 12 years, from the age of 37 to 49. I recently turned 50. I have never been happier! My 50th birthday was the best! I’ve re-connected with old friends. I am seeing two men who are both sweet and low-key and not pressuring me to make any decisions. I have gone to more concerts in the past few months than I ever have. I’m happy about 90% of the time. I have gone to counseling, meditate regularly, practice yoga and it all helps with the PTSD (and there’s a lot of PTSD), the nightmares and the residual trauma of being involved with an abusive narcissist. Getting out and allowing the legal system to help me stay out was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I have no desire to see him — ever. No contact works.

        • Zari Ballard

          December 10, 2014 at 12:55 am Reply

          Hello & thank you for the update!!!

          What an inspirational post! Everything you’ve written PROVES that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m so grateful for your words and thank you so much for sharing:) Feel free to jump in and offer words of wisdom anytime…

          Zari xo

    • Christine

      December 11, 2014 at 12:31 am Reply

      Thank you for sharing your story, it really helps the rest of us stay motivated with the no contact…and to not ever, ever take these people back because it won’t end up in anything good. I have yet to read any story of a happy ending after someone took back a dysfunctional partner–the happy endings always came AFTER they finally broke it off for good, like yours! You really are an inspiration, in thriving after an experience like THAT. Thanks for posting!

    • movies989

      December 16, 2014 at 3:42 pm Reply

      HopeToGosItsOver,
      Been there done that with wanting to leave the email unblocked. So he feels the same way. It doesn’t make you feel any better. He ends up emailing something that “You just HAVE to respond too.” There’s absolutely no way around it. He knows exactly how to press the buttons to get a response. So I finally had the courage to tell him I was blocking his emails and cut him off for good. Only to find that he ended up using a different email to email me. With the subject line “Did you block this email too? Just checking to see how much you cut me out of your life.” So I read it. It’s not worth it it’s creepy. Very creepy to read an email from a blocked person. Borderlines stalking. There’s no satisfaction from the “revenge”. Think of him like a sibling who knows what buttons to push to get an immediate response. If you read the emails, you will want to respond because he knows how to get it. It’s all staged. Like a tv show. You’ll finally get bored of the “tv show” and move on.

  • Shasha

    December 2, 2013 at 2:48 am Reply

    Hi, After the Narcissist abandoned me, I cried for 2 years…24 hours a day until I finally realized a tantrum doesn’t help. If I died from sadness, what good would that be. I decided to stop crying..but still did at restaurants/stores and other places when I thought about him. I put back up my walls and read books on relationships with guys/people. I did not know to call it narcissism at first. He was also bipolar so I read books on that and emotional abuse. I read about Narcissism eventually and saw videos on Narcissism on Youtube.com which greatly helped me realize. He is not healthy..can’t be any different. I also run from love so I can’t blame him. I can forgive him because he doesn’t mean to be this way…it is how his brain/body are working. I needed to learn how to be better with all people. I am codependent..but thought I was healed of that a long time ago after taking classes about it to help students. He bought out the codependency in me again. He may have reminded me of relatives so it bonded me to him. I felt like I understood him even though I could not talk much with him. I felt a spiritual connection.
    I love all people…so still love him…but see many other women still in love with him and they went through the same cycle as I did. I pray for all the women that their eyes are open to the narcissism and that they heal…can let go and move on in life in a healthy way. He may have affected 1000’s of women due to his charm. He could not control me and didn’t like it that I was a Christian. He was Buddhist/New age..which did not have sin…only called it mistakes. It didn’t make him feel like a sinner..but more worthy/acceptable being Bipolar/Narcissistic. Because I did not believe identical to him…he abandoned me. He wants someone who agrees 100% with everything he believes/says. I was too assertive/had opinions. He wanted someone who was more like prey who he could feel needed and could help raise their self esteem with his charm. I gave him much praise/compliments…but he felt disrespected if I didn’t agree with everything he said. He was a different political party also..but I know core values were the same. To me he was my twin..not just by his trying to mirror me which I only noticed once..but we are similar…could relate to each other. I could not be myself…but he didn’t want me to be myself..wanted me to be just like him which would be boring after awhile. If I could be myself and he could take the fake mask off him and be himself…we may have been able to be great partners for each other.
    I always had hope..but after reading the book Loveability and other books…I know that if I can’t talk or be myself/am afraid/walk on eggs shells…then it is not the right relationship. I had too many defenses and would drive him crazy when I didn’t agree or could not be controlled/manipulated. I was very addicted to him and still think about him 24 hours a day..but want a healthy relationship only with a guy before I leave this earth. I have my walls up..have not dated anyone for 14 years, since my divorce to a mild narcissistic person who was not too bad due to his diet being good. The addiction is not to my ex..but a new bipolar/N. who is a severe case…but recently also is eating better…so maybe his brain/body is healing.

    • Zari

      December 11, 2013 at 6:28 am Reply

      It’s hard for me to read your posts and respond what’s in my heart. Your Ex was NOT a Buddhist – that was an act and I hope you know this. Sometimes people are just evil. It’s plain and simple. And your ex-husband was not a mild narcissist (as opposed to a more evil one) because of his diet. He just had a slightly different strategy. Either way, it is all evil. Anything that is narcissistic is evil and CAN NOT BE EXCUSED. You sound like a very loving person and, unfortunately, this is what a narcissist considers easy prey. You do not, under any circumstances, have to love everybody. Narcissists do not deserve to be loved at all. It is okay not to love bad people. In fact, any Buddhist book (and, believe me, I’ve read many in my search for peace) will talk about detaching from bad people, not loving them in the true sense of the word.

      There isn’t any amount of love and good food that will make a narcissist a normal human being. Nothing. It’s okay to be angry and feel hurt and to not love these monsters. You don’t deserve to be hurt and nothing that he ever did to hurt you and make you cry inconsolably was your fault. Don’t forget that, loving sister:)

      Zari:)

  • pobear

    November 11, 2013 at 8:15 pm Reply

    friends are asking if he now done. done?….Lol if he didn’t get over me of five years then he not over the idea of me..I hope that he stays away….

    • Zari

      November 12, 2013 at 12:16 am Reply

      Me too! The longer he stays away the better….

  • pobear

    November 11, 2013 at 7:10 pm Reply

    wow ..I thought I was going crazy, which did for week and half. I stopped eating, sleeping, denial, not talking to my friends, stopped paying attention to my work.. For a week, then my gut feeling was right that he(N) is taking revenge and planned this for I am not how long. First day of no contact” my thought of why he was doing this was right. I felt bad for two weeks, but knowing I didn’t do anything for him to act like this made me search for answer and I wasn’t getting that from him. I went to his apartment the first day as stated that is revenge and that it’s not needed because I know what you are doing. No answer, no answer zip……because he wants me to keep guessing, that where the feed is for him. After gaining knowledge of the psychotic drama..Lol I went back to his apartment to see if I can get him to talk. NOTHING. Then at the end I stated for him to “stay the heck away, far away from me. Now, it’s complete silence for five days and I am planning to keep it this way. I am hoping that he got my point!!! of coming close to me and how bad it’s going to be for him- The story goes…I was living with my boyfriend and our relationship was on the rocks for years but hanging in. N moved in and in couple for years we became good friends, where he helped me to think that I should move and move on. Where I did. Then we stated dating and after three months I felt guilty for what I did and how I am trying to fix my problems by starting another relationship. I sat down and talked and talked with N and stated that I needed space to think things through…hahah Nope no space just pick me me me me me me!! It’s the right thing for you. I got so confused and decided to leave N then to have space. With that time I was called names, stalked and not left alone. This was 2007. Then things settled for a while. I did go back to say that I am sorry of what happened you and we can be friends.Because we were friends and never should’ve start dated I wanted to mend things and see if we can be friends. of course it didn’t work out that way. I knew that he still has feeling and that didn’t want to stay friends I completely cut off all ties for him, for me and to be fair to my ex. (my morels kicked in hard) I wanted him I did but out timing was wrong. I said that over and over again…Nope, no understanding of anything besides I needs you like water”. To feed me so that I can survive. I don’t want to be alone or not loved. And that’s why I love you!!!!
    After five year of No contact. I being human again answered his crying for call on Facebook to say “hello!! I replied where for four months he was chatting, not asking to meet which I though it was funny..ha ha ha I was sincere for building friendship and moving along. Right when I thought we can be friends and one day asked him ” Hey what are you up today? boom he stomped me with his N games, this is when is all started. Dropped off from the face of this earth and YES left me wondering. But he almost got me but I am too smart for all that. I mean lived with my ex for years, dealing with his drug problems and moods and all. I knew that this is not normal and that whatever the N was planning is now in play. Thank God for Google and all the answers. I hope that he stays away . I feel bad that he is just so upset and cant move on..I use to care but after this act I wish him to hell forever and that it confirmed that he will never get what he wants from me. I can play too but I am so beyond it that I don’t want to bother…Gosh what a freak!! All because he couldn’t have his way or me. his way moreso

    • Zari

      November 12, 2013 at 12:20 am Reply

      Yes, he certainly sounds like all the rest of them. I know I always say this but it never ceases to amaze me how they all act, speak, and emotionally abuse in the exact same manner.

    • movies989

      December 8, 2014 at 5:36 pm Reply

      Bingo. Been their done that. I tried to rebuild the friendship because I felt guilty for trying to let it go. Ended up having to slam the door completely on it because every time, it was drama this drama that, blame everyone else but himself… It was always great for the first few weeks. Which left me thinking that I was really glad that I gave him another chance. Which now I see was all part of the manipulation for control. Funny thing, is that I still feel bad for slamming the door even though I know that it was all manipulation. My advice, take it one day at a time, and do your best to move forward with your life without him. You don’t need all that extra drama that he creates.

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No Contact vs. The Silent Treatment

The difference between No Contact and a Silent Treatment is the intention of the outcome - and no one knows this better than a narcissistic partner. About four years ago,...

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