Although I’ve written several detailed books about narcissism in relationships, I’ve come to realize that there are those who want nothing more than a quick answer to that one nagging question: is he or isn’t he? Based on my correspondence and conversations with narcissist abuse victims worldwide, this is, indeed, the question of the hour and, therefore, it must be answered. So it is for those who ask that I have created this quick study guide to narcissism in relationships. If your guy (or girl) is a narcissist, this book will validate that fact. After all, it’s all about connecting the dots from one behavior to another. Yes, it’s really that fucking simple and I’m going to show you how to do it.
As you will come to learn, when we’re involved with narcissists, our lives become all but interchangeable. My story is your story is her story is his story. It’s my belief that the thirteen “signs” or behaviors of narcissism that you’ll find in this book are absolutely undeniable. If your partner subscribes to one, he or she subscribes to all of them in some way. All narcissistic behaviors connect together to bring us the inevitable “a-ha” moment. Trying to rationalize that that your guy or girl is somehow excluded from the label because he or she displays only one behavior or some more than others only creates false hope. A narcissist is a narcissist and if the person that you love subscribes to one behavior that I describe here, you will, if you choose to stay in the relationship, inevitably be subjected to ALL of the behaviors in some way, shape, or form. I guarantee it.
To be fair, while there’s a fine line between a person who is a narcissist and a person who’s just an asshole, the point is that there is a line. A person can be overwhelmingly selfish and arrogant, have a tendency to ghost after the second date, and even be a cheater and still not be narcissist. It’s the covert underlying operation of the narcissist and that little bit of extra evil that makes the difference. In other words, when it comes to narcissism, it is the level of the betrayal that separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls. The bottom line is that an asshole can potentially be fixed and a narcissist cannot. Understanding the distinction between these two human entities will ultimately determine whether you choose to stay or break-up. The fact that you are here, however, tells me that you know the truth and simply need a bit of validation. I can give you that.
This quick study guide not only describes the thirteen most blatant characteristics of narcissism in a relationship, it also shows, very clearly, how all of the described behaviors seamlessly connect. This is very important because – together – all of these behaviors form what I call the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda – an agenda by which the narcissist lives his life and by which you, if you choose to stay, will live your life as well. In other words, these behaviors do not stand alone and don’t make the mistake of thinking that they do. If you try to bargain with logic, you will always lose, my friend.
In a nutshell, here is how a narcissist’s mind-boggling behaviors connect from one to the other within this book: A narcissist’s initial love-bombing (Chapter I) sets the stage for years of future-faking (Chapter III) much like the nefarious silent treatment (Chapter VI) succeeds due to the managing down of a partners expectations (Chapter VIII) which will always involve the type of covert pathological lying (Chapter II) that, combined with cell phone games (Chapter V), the pain of triangulation (Chapter X), and projection tactics (Chapter XIII), will contribute to an overall confusion in the loving partner that allows a narcissist to get away with everything that he does. It’s all about creating chaos (Chapter XII) and distraction (Chapter IX)! Seemingly separate at first, these passive-aggressive behaviors will always combine in such a way that there will be no doubt as to who this person really is. And those are just a FEW of the many ways that we can connect the dots within this book.It’s easier than you think…all you have to do is know what you see.
Narcissism, unfortunately, has become an epidemic in today’s social networking lifestyles. These sexual and emotional predators enjoy the challenge of online dating where they can wear their masks quite a bit longer and catch the very vulnerable. Learning to recognize the signs/behaviors of the narcissistic personality can prevent the abuse from ever happening to you at all OR it will give you the confidence to finally and permanently go “no contact” and exit the game.
Do you suspect that your partner is a narcissist? If so, this quick study guide to narcissism is going to let you know one way or another!
If you enjoyed this book excerpt:
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Bamagirl67
February 5, 2017 at 7:46 pmZari, I’m getting so much needed info here! My story is similar in some ways but a little different. A little background… when I was 20 and in college over 20 yrs ago, my college sweetheart and I dated for abt 3 yrs. We were very close and inseparable. Our relationship was very passionate both mentally and physically. We were close to graduating and talking of marriage. I was young, knew I had a good thing, but yet felt that I needed more to compare it to and eventually I broke up with him, thinking in the back of my mind that he would wait for me. He was devastated, but immediately began seeing someone, I of course changed my mind immediately, but it was too late, he would have nothing to do with me and within a year, they were married. It lasted a couple of yrs, they divorced, he remarried and 6 yrs ago he contacted me out of the blue. We live in different states, we were both in unhappy marriages etc. We emailed and he professed his love for me all of these yrs blah blah blah. We met in person for the first time in 20 yrs, nothing physical, just talked and laughed for hours, reminisced etc. We stayed in touch and he led me to believe that he was going to get divorced and if I did also, we would finally be together again. This is the man who I always considered my soul mate, the relationship that I mourned for years. Long story short, I got divorced, only to find after a couple of years of future faking and silent treatments, that he was still married! Even after I found out the truth, He continued to try to string me along. This went on for 5 years!! I’m embarrassed to say that I allowed this for such a long period of time! But I thought that I was talking to the same man that I was so close to so many years ago! I’m still so confused, but. I don’t see how a normal person could allow another person to follow thru with a divorce if they knew that they were not doing the same! I’m trying to move on, but I have so many questions. At what age does a narcissist generally show his colors? I’m wondering if our relationship years ago even existed. Was he a monster then and I just didn’t see it? Please shed some light on this for me!
Zari Ballard
February 6, 2017 at 6:36 pmHi Bamagirl67,
Yes, basically, he was a monster way back then and you didn’t see it. Think about it. Way back when, when you broke up with him, you state that he was “devastated” but the truth was that he started dating right away and was married within a year. How devastated was that? Not very. Since then, it’s been a string-along, even allowing you to get divorced and STILL having no intention of ever leaving his wife. This is typical, by the way, of a married narc’s behavior. It happens all the time. I, personally, think that you made the right decision back in college. You were smart and followed your intuition and OUR INTUITION IS NEVER WRONG. Now, that you are single, you need to go back to that mindset and make the same decision again so that you can salvage the rest of your life.
I understand that it’s hard and that there are many questions spinning around in our minds when it’s over. If you would like to talk about one-on-one, I’d be happy to answer them. Consider booking some talk time so that you can move forward with confidence. The truth is that nothing has changed…he is the same person. And even if he WASN’T a monster THEN, he obviously had the propensity to be one. My thinking is that he was exactly the same guy, a narcissist, albeit an unpolished one as they tend to be when they are younger. Now, you are dealing with one who is full-fledged and it simply is not worth your time or energy.
Stay strong and I am here to support you….
Zari xo
HealingNow!
November 15, 2016 at 2:59 pmHi Zari!
I want to post and say thank you! I contacted you back in May when I was finally able to go NC. I managed 5 months and then got the grand hover. It lasted 3.5 weeks and ended in a restraining order today. I wanted to post and say to anyone who is just starting to read and wonder, …. what is written is correct. I took the opportunity for some consults with Zari and that got me through the worst of the beginnings of NC. And I can vouch for the fact that they do NOT change. What came back after 5 months was exactly the same as what I walked away from 5 months prior. In fact, he was worse. He had depleted his finances and his last source was crazy as a loon so he was looking for control and hoping I was still it. What I got from you and your site was a constant reality check and finally!! after months of knowing… but not knowing… the fog started to clear. Every day I feel a little bit better even after the nasty hover I experienced.
Thank you!
Zari Ballard
November 21, 2016 at 2:09 amHey girl!!!
OMG…I’m grateful that you sent an update! I’m sorry about the restraining order but this WILL be the final time. As I told you, eventually the fog DOES clear. It’s all part of the process. Email me if you need to, okay? Any time that you need me, you know where to find me. I’ll always be here to support you:)
Zari xo
Agnieszka
November 6, 2016 at 3:03 amI am SO thankful I found your site! I feel like I’m reading from the pages of my own journal, in exactly the same words. FINALLY some validation! I have found you just in the nick of time, on the threshold of my next potential hoover. I feel like I’ve jumped into the beautiful waves of salt water, engulfing every word on this page like a starving newborn. As I read the words others have shared, I hear myself cheering out loud, “YES!” This happened to me! I have literally used the same words! (temper tantrum, HOUDINI!!! is the nickname I gave my N and when I saw that Zari used the same word I nearly fell off my chair). At that moment, I knew everything I felt was real, my gut instinct was dead on the whole time. The very odd thing about my situation (well, I thought it was odd until I learned about the “timeless”ness aspect for the N), is that I had only been with my N for ONE MONTH over two years ago (and this only included 4 in person “dates”. I see now that time doesn’t matter. It does weird me out a lot that he still hoovers after knowing me for such a small period of time. On his final hoover I went off on him (through facebook text as he never had the courage to actually call me. This way he could remain passive and in control.) I responded to his bait text and was brutally honest stating things like, “You are not my friend, you are a stranger to me. You don’t deserve my friendship. You are a liar and I don’t trust you.” I really want to reiterate that I went on 4 dates with this guy TWO years ago (NEVER slept with him) and he STILL comes around. It’s just bizzare to me.
Zari Ballard
November 8, 2016 at 2:19 pmHi Agnieszka,
Yes, Houdini it is!! Amazing, isn’t it? When we are involved with these people, our lives are all but interchangeable! I wouldn’t waste my time trying to explain any more than you already did…they will never “get it”. They simply feel entitled to do whatever they want with whomever they want whenever they want at anyone’s expense. Please BLOCK him from social media and any avenues of communication that may be still open. He shouldn’t be allowed to pop in whenever he feels like it to rile you up.
Stay strong and stay free!
Zari xo
Let's DO this!
October 17, 2016 at 8:08 amAwesome Zari!! You know what I wish? I wish your books would be passed out in schools. (High school perhaps?) Given to every girl (and boy) on the planet! This knowledge is SO IMPORTANT to the lives of so many who are falling prey and losing themselves on such a horrific level. Between the internet and Instagram I’ve found countless thousands of posts from people who, like you said, are all connected to the same hell. BUT WHY? At this point it seems people need to SUFFER THROUGH IT .. THEN DISCOVER… THEN HEAL! I TRULY HOPE every person on this planet SHARES your WEBSITE and in time we can PREVENT the HURT! Perhaps if EVERYONE KNOWS FIRST, the Narcissist can be PUT TO REST and NO ONE will be a VICTIM ever again! I know this is a pipe dream, but I also know that KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! And through amazing woman like you ZARI, that knowledge IS HELPING – IS HEALING – IS PREVENTING! I’m SO GRATEFUL to you and how you’ve OPENED UP and SHARED your GOD AWFUL story with us to let us all SEE THE LIGHT! You definitely gave me my AHA moment. It’s almost a year since I walked out on the asshole (yes one year!) and about 6 months since you and I have talked, I STILL think of things that make me say “WTF!” Seriously, I’m not one to take bullshit. I say how I feel (sometimes too much so), and I am not a pushover in normal situations. I’d never been sidelined in 45 years of relationships til the monster weaseled his way into my life. Imagine if I had KNOWN the TRAITS? Imagine if I knew from the VERY FIRST SIGN who he was!? Damn, I would’ve grabbed my coat, said “SEE YA!” and never looked back!!!! I would’ve CHEERED: “YAY!, DODGED THAT BULLET!” But that’s not what happened for me or for the majority it seems… NOT YET ANYWAY! But it’s never too late! So guys and gals reading this… LOOK OUT FOR YOUR FRIENDS, SISTERS, CO-WORKERS, ETC… and don’t turn a blind eye to the signs.. WARN THEM and best of all… send them the link to this site. I’ve already done that for 3 of my friends. Once they read about they all said “OMG, YES, that’s what he is!” LET’S STOP THESE MONSTERS DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS and TAKE AWAY THEIR POWER!!! SHARE SHARE SHARE! And don’t give up on those who are still “STUCK”. Leaving is not easy even when you KNOW! I’m so glad my sister and Mom never gave up on me! Let’s do this TOGETHER! <3
Zari Ballard
October 28, 2016 at 6:03 pmHi LET’S DO THIS!
You are the best cheerleader ever, my sister!!! I agree…let’s get the word out! Knowledge is absolute power in these situations and recovery from the abuse has to be a team effort:)
Thank you for all the kind words and for your support. You rock!
Zari xoxoxox