The narcissist who is married is probably the most prolific of all the other narcissists because of the game he has ultimately chosen to play. Indeed, the married narcissist can live in suburbia with the wife and kids and, at the same time, carry on one or more relationships outside of the marriage without appearing the least bit stressed about it. His abilities to lie on-the-fly, to convince all partners (including the spouse) that his intentions are always on the up-and-up, and to be, seemingly, in two places at once are unsurpassed and put him at a pathological level above the typical narcissist.
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Through my phone consultations and correspondence with both women and men, I have been able to make the following observations:
- A married narcissist will typically – but not always – be an online predator so that he can keep the extramarital affairs long-distance. He will have profiles on numerous dating sites that give his relationship status as either divorced or separated (when he, obviously, is neither).
- A married narcissist typically – but not always – will be a high-level narcissist, meaning that he is a narcissist with a good job and usually a good deal of money. At the very least, he is self-sufficient. I call this the 5-Star Deception. Having money makes it much easier for the narcissist to carry on multiple affairs or one that’s long-term without tipping off the wife. He may have a job that requires that he often travel out of town (and even out of the country) on a regular basis. Having money also means he can quickly book vacations or send flowers and/or extravagant gifts to appease the lover should she become disenchanted with the narcissist’s mind-boggling and hurtful behaviors. He may even play the most devious version of The Cell Phone Game and have two phones – one for each of his deceitful lives.
- A married narcissist always love-bombs his target more intensely than the typical narcissist simply because he’s under more of a time constraint. The sooner he hooks her, the less chance that finding out he’s still married will cause her to leave the relationship. Like any other narcissist, the end game is always to get away with the ruse – any ruse – for as long as he possibly can. Some women have been involved with married narcissists as the mistress for as long or nearly as long as the narcissist has been married.
- The target of a married narcissist may not initially suspect that this new guy is married because of his ability to spend so much time with her. After all, how can a guy be married and still be able to hop on the next plane out at the drop of a hat? OR how can he be married if he’s able to take off for a week to the Caribbean without appearing the least bit stressed about it? OR how can he be married if we’re always on the phone together? Because the narcissist compartmentalizes every aspect of his pathetic life, he can be completely stress-free with whomever he’s with!
- A narcissist marries for many reasons but the biggest reasons are that being married to a wonderful woman is good for appearances and it makes him feel (for a second) as if he’s actually a normal guy. The novelty wears off, however, and quick. That being said, the narcissist is rarely willing to give the marriage up because he feels justified in having both! After all, if all it takes to keep the ruse afloat on either side is to tell a few lies…well, shit! That’s easy! Don’t ever forget…a narcissist’s entire life is all about what he can get away with day to day.
When the long-term, already-hooked mistress/target finds out about the marriage (and she always does), the N will likely explain that he was just in the process of filing for divorce when they met but the affair simply distracted him. Now that she knows, he’ll get right on that! He’ll spew his narcissistic word garbage, insisting that the marriage is one of convenience only (“We haven’t slept together in years!”) and that his wife is a psycho who cheats on him and he’s been working with a lawyer to make sure she doesn’t take him for a ride. The truth is that the wife is living the same life as the mistress…a life full of suspicions, silent treatments, and some incredible (but obviously believable) future-faking. If the narcissist is especially pathological, he may even, just for fun, deliberately triangulate one woman with the other.
What I find particularly distressing are the stories where the married N actually convinces a long-distance lover to move to the city where he’s lives under the premise that a divorce is imminent (which it never is) or that he’s already divorced or that he’s now separated. The truth is that the wife has probably caught on or, at the very least, suspects there’s a lover and the move, for him, is for convenience only because he can no longer just hop on a plane. I’ve heard from countless women who’ve moved clear across country – and even across continents – at the narcissist’s request only to be given the silent treatment immediately upon arrival. A married narcissist will even deliberately target a married woman, convincing her to leave her husband for the new relationship and then disappearing himself soon after.
Interestingly enough, 99.9999% of the women that write to me who are involved with a married narcissist adamantly insist that they never – not in a million years – would have ever thought they’d be involved with a married man or cheat on their own husbands. It simply wasn’t part of their nature. Moreover, in as much as it causes them heartache to know she exists, not a single one has ever really bashed the wife. Why? Because deep down anyone involved with a narcissist knows that this guy is a fucking liar wherever he goes and to whomever he’s with at the moment. Typically, whether you experience the relationship as a wife or as a mistress, you eventually come to understand that the “other woman” is just like you.
So, for those who wonder why a mistress or wife continues to stay with the narcissist knowing what she knows, the answer is that the narcissist is the same person to each! He lies with the same believable demeanor and makes the same promises and will insist to one that the other is a psycho that he just can’t seem to get rid of…..it goes on and on. Both the wife and the lover are victims and in both cases, the victim wants to believe that this person that they love is telling the truth. It’s a codependency to hope that will get us in trouble almost every time.
Now, to be clear, this article isn’t about the married partner who has been monogamous for ten years and then fucks up and is sorry for it. While I certainly don’t condone that behavior, I have to make clear that there’s a difference. As we all know, narcissism isn’t about just one single behavior…it’s about many, many behaviors. We come to recognize these behaviors as narcissistic tactics and this is why those who suspect that their lover or husband is a narcissist are always right. If he is with you, you can guarantee that there is some woman somewhere getting the silent treatment. The married narcissist is very good at what he does or he wouldn’t be a married narcissist!
Will the married narcissist ever leave his wife? Click here…
Shoshannah
November 5, 2015 at 8:37 pmYes, mine was that pathological to triangulate me with his wife. I just fell sorry for her… it was so obvious. He would kiss her, hug her in front of me, talk to her about how they are going to raise their children – just to make me jealous. It’s not only evil, it’s also very very un-classy. He would fabricate those situations where the three of us would meet – all the time. His wife at my house (when I was inviting him only, obviously – he claimed that she – an extremely jealous psycho- just wouldn’t let him to come to my place on his own, but we all know how it really works, how many of such situations they fabricate deliberately). Just to give me a long silent treatment as soon as I said that this is not OK, uncomfortable and that I don’t want to eat his lovely wife’s amazing dinner at their place again. 2 months of a silent treatment as soon as I noticed anything.
Zari Ballard
November 7, 2015 at 4:45 pmHi Shoshannah
OMG how awful! Bastard! I can imagine him sitting there in his perch at the top of the triangle watching you squirm. No fucking punishment would ever be good enough…..
Stay strong, sister!
Zari xo
Nancy W
May 11, 2016 at 9:32 amShosh!!
He’s more than your garden-variety narcissistic prick . My soon-to-be ex-husband has slid in hundreds of nauseating remarks rivaling yours. He sounds very juvenile, a bit like mine. He gets enjoyment out of it, doesn’t he? Mine gets a sweet little smile, a twinkle in his eye, a smirk, when he is able to make a remark designed to hurt or upset. And they like to surprise. They are actually very much like kids, but kids who can manipulate and control their emotions. And they’re like sharks when they smell one drop of blood, that drop of blood actually is the beginning of anger that they pick up when they look at you. If you have ever watched siblings, one torturing the other, it’s awful. I think that is very much like what you said he does — poking and poking and pinching and giggling in the backseat, with the intention of driving the other one mad (and loving it!). Yeah well wouldn’t you like to hit the brakes, take off your belt, drop his drawers and just lay into him?
Ahhhhh, I do. It’s a very sad thing, to derive pleasure from manipulating and harming others.
When mine starts in with that bullshit, I think of it this way….
If the person he was intending on hurting was my small child……. What would I do? Would I stand by in the playground and allow them to do that or would I take my child somewhere else? Why I would take her by the hand to another place, wouldn’t I? Yes. That idea works well for me, that scenario, if I feel myself wanting to sucker punch him, raw emotions, volatile, ready to ignite. Momentarily I need to step aside from it. My soon-to-be ex, at the age of 65, put an ad on craigslist and quickly managed to find himself a younger married woman in a nearby state. He worked his charm on her, overtime. Doing what he can do very very well, he chose his victim, and he chose his words and he made himself a net to simply capture someone new. Don’t forget, narcissistic supply is at the top of their grocery list baby!! And don’t think he didn’t enjoy the drama. That condensed version having been said, he has reacquainted himself with some powerful sadistic behaviors. They’re enough to make you want to puke. Pennies to pinworms, I’ll bet you anything that they are a huge contributor to crimes of passion — Go ahead, think that one through, you get the picture. But!!!!!!
Be grateful he is that much of a sadistic prick. Yes!!! Simply put, the more intense and nasty the incident, (like the ones you described) The greater the likelihood of you “getting it” and crossing him right off your list. Honestly that sounds just awful. And pathetic, skedaddle yourself out of there!! Truly, Nancy
Sarah@hotmail.com
October 25, 2015 at 1:10 pmHi Zari, I have been reading and researching for a long time on the topic of narcissism and I found your writings really helpful and sooo accurate! I am in week 2 of no contact no and it’s killing me but i just can’t let myself go back. I met my narcassist boyfriend 3 yrs ago through work, he knew I was married and I turned down all his early advances. I had problems In my marriage but had and never would have thought of cheating. He didn’t tell me he was also married at the beginning (he removed his ring) but when I asked he admitted it. He pursued my stronger and intensely, like he was my soul mate, romantic, attentive, made me feel like we had known each other forever and said all the right things with grand gestures. He incorporated me heavily into his life, would call me 10 times a day, constant message and emails. We live in different countries In Europe but would see each other at least once a month for often a week per time as we both travel for work a lot. I loved him and would have done anything for him from an early point. 4 months later he started to change. To cut this long story shorter, he has spent the last 2.5years emotionally manipulating and abusing me, constant hitting on other women in front of me, including flirting, buying them drinks, dirty dancing, private dances and massages in strip clubs on corporate events when I have been there too, just leaving me to wonder what was happening behind the Curtain. which he claims was for cover so people didn’t know we were together, however it isn’t it’s for his own enjoyment as he needs constant attention from women and tells me in a jealous crazy person when I get upset by this) horrible cruel words, silent treatment, telling me he’s punishing me until I learn to control my emotions, witholding affection and sex, then giving just enough to keep me coming back. I have been in tears from his actions and words more times than I can explain but when I am with him I forgive him for all his antics because I feel so desperate to fix it and make it right and believe him when he tells me all is my fault and that I am crazy. He has basically lowered my expectations time and time again that I have learnt to accept the behavior, he can me so cruel and my emotional pain tolerance levels and so high now that i almost accept that’s the way he is. He says it’s only me he wants, that he always comes back to me, he’s just having his fun and that I shouldn’t ruin his freedom because I don’t have the rights to any demands or feelings as I’m not his wife. When I do snap and tell him it’s over, he becomes like the man I met at the start and feel in love with and I forgive him and Almost block out the last episode of what he’s done to me. He says he will not leave his wife because of the child, I have never asked him to. I am trying to fix my broken marriage but my affair with this man strips all my energies. He tells me he is very unhappy in his marriage but then posts pictures on social media of happy families, I don’t dislike his wife, I can only imagine she is is hell too, she checks his phone all the time, I have no doubt he made her that way. He relies on me for everything, for sexual and emotional needs, it’s all about him, never about me, he’s the most selfish egotistical person I’ve ever met. He also just can’t understand when I tell him how much he hurts me, he thinks I need to control my emotions like him (he said he compartmentalises things) everyone loves him, he has loads of friends and claims thousands of ex lovers, women love him despite him not being that attractive, he knows just what to say and act, if only everyone knew what he was like behind closed doors. He’s very jealous of me, any man who talks to me is removed and he’s always watching what I’m doing, it’s one rule for him and another for me. For the last 2.5yrs I have been humiliated, degraded and manipulated to the point I have questioned my own sanity but he won’t let me go, I don’t understand why. However this time After a week away on business in the US together he was sooo horrible to me that I couldn’t handle any more and I had voiced how unhappy I was with his constant need to hit on women on front of me and he said I was getting to controlling and we had to finish this, I was desperate as for the past 4 nights we had been fighting, had no sleep and to much alcohol so the anxiety I was feeling was really heightened. That next night he took me to a strip club (with the other work crew) and made me watch while he gropped and touched one of the girls who then started touching him, the whole time he was looking at me, like he got off on it, he had already warned me to control my jealously on the way in. After this incident I had enough, something snapped, I knew I had to go as no contact as possible. I’ve spoken to him once in 2 weeks, where he almost just rang to check If he could still talk to me. He is on a work conference at the moment abroad, I didn’t attend because of him, I know he is fcuking about and it’s killing me. I gave him my heart, soul and savings and just can’t get me head around that he knew what he was doing, that he did this on purpose. I won’t get Closure, can’t make him understand as I don’t think he has the capacity. Hurting very badly right now but I know I can’t let him get away with treating me like this anymore, I have no self esteem or self worth left for him to take left anymore.
Thanks for listening
Sarah
Broken
October 21, 2015 at 7:38 pmI am the discarded wife of a married sociopath/ narrsicist. We have been married for 13 years and have a 12 year old son. Over the years he has cheated too many times to count,physical,verbally,mentally and emotionally abused me. He had started the emotional and mental abuse of our son. My trauma bond with this man is so strong that he was able to charm his way back into my life after serving 5 years in prison for assaulting me. He was the perfect husband and father for several months after he came home. Of course that what I thought. He was fake future planning, taking us to look at new houses, making it sound like we were going to watch our son grow up and then we would grow old together. He new that was my most heartfelt wish. Our family being together. Then it started, the put downs , working on over, then being all sweet followed fits of rage at both myself and our son. I went into denial. And I shut down. Didn’t give him the usual drama of crying,begging, and I think he hated that. After more fits of rage and threats he finally sent a text that he was not in love with me anymore and he would be moving out as soon as he found a place. That broke me. He wanted to stay with us just to watch us deal with the pain that he caused. After a week of this and a horrible fight with him raising his fist to hit me , my son and myself screamed at him to leave. That was August 30. Since then I have found out that he was having an affair with a 22 year old he works with. He is 43. They have come by my home screaming whore and slit to me. Where our son can hear. Based on the physical abuse and threats my son and myself were granted an 2 year protective order. No contact. Right after it was granted he had her go get a emergency protective order on me based on lies saying I had been to here home and told her roommate that I was going to physically harm her.I don’t even know where she lives. I have also found out that while he was living and having sex.with me , having sex with the 22 year old.twit he was also hooking with women on several sex sites. So now he is living with his enabler mother and making plans to move in with and marry the new girl. He hasn’t even made arrangements to get his belongings for our home. I am devastated. My son and I are in counciling. I feel like I will never.get.Over this.
Y
amy
October 20, 2015 at 12:46 pmits been quite some time. and here i am. Zari Zari Zari.
finally went back for the last and final time. all the tricks i knew.
but i dont want to talk about him. i want to talk about how im thankful for you.
if it wasnt for you and your speaking out, i would have never had anything embedded in the back of my mind to help me.
no contact. im moving on with my life. i left material, i am not looking for it..
just wanted you to know im thinking of everyone.
monsters are real. they are human. without souls.
Zari Ballard
October 24, 2015 at 11:53 pmOh my God…Amy!!! Good grief, girl, I think about you every time I see the “Get on Instagram” note on my To-Do List…LOLOL…Wow…okay, so you went back in for the last and final time. That’s alright because you got out and that’s all that matters.
You know, Amy, I’m starting to think that it TAKES that one last time to validate it for us. I really am. My observation of the process has truly evolved since my first book and this is it: After the Idolize Phase is up, we go through the hell of not knowing what the fuck is going on and this can take years. Then, we start the investigation, find out what he is, and think that maybe we can fix it…maybe we’ll be the exception. This can takes years too. During that time, we’re usually STILL on and off sites like mine and similar ones gathering information, bouncing around ideas, and supporting one another…but then something odd happens. In a way, I think, we become desensitized to the information (and in saying that, I just became inspired with the topic to my next article!) and if the narc plays it right, popping up at the most opportune time, we just might go in for one more go-around. HOWEVER, the difference in US as we go back the last and final time (as you just did) is that, desensitized or not, WE LEARNED (FROM EACH OTHER) EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT THESE MOTHERFUCKERS. This time, validation and confirmation that we need TO GET THE FUCK OUT is swift and undeniable! IT JUST IS WHAT IT IS. This is my whole point in Stop Spinning, Star Breathing…that breaking-up with the narcissist must begin in our own heads before it can ever actually happen in real life. We can beat ourselves up for going back in but in doing that, we’re missing the point! Sometimes a last and final trip down the rabbit hole, as horrible an demoralizing as it can be, is exactly what we need to close the book on this most difficult life chapter. In other words, there’s no WAY that we can go back with all this knowledge in our heads and STAY! Eventually – and quicker than all the times before – we’ll be able to say that, yup, this was definitely the last fucking time.
YOU are going to be just fine, Miss Amy. You didn’t EVEN go in to this final fling as the same person as before…you knew exactly what you were dealing with and I’m sure it became real clear real quick how it all had to end. Thank you so much for coming back to visit me and, believe me girl, I learn as much from you as you do from me. Case and point once again that we all need to stick together.
Much Love,
Zari xo
Cam
October 13, 2015 at 8:07 amYep. This was my guy. Completely.
He was married. We were friends. Right. Like he knows how to be a friend. I knew he was married but before anything every happened between us he told me he was getting a divorce. I was also married. I was miserable and actually was in the process of separating from my husband. I think that’s the only reason he said he was divorcing. He knew I wouldn’t get involved if he was married. But, even thought I was miserable, I don’t know if I would have gone through with it as I had been separated twice before.
He did and said all of these things. Classic. He lived 1500 miles away and kept me hooked. He then took a job on the other side of the country, which he said was for me, so he could make more money and make plans to get to the city where I was and where he grew up. So he was 3000 miles from her and 1500 from me for almost two years.
He got mad when I called her his wife and always said she was just the mother of his children.
He got his own bank account, said it was just a marriage of convenience, said he they didn’t love each other. But there were those family vacations that were for the kids. Every once in a while he would make a slip and post something on facebook. But overall, he was a genius. Even all of our mutual friends thought there was nothing between he and his wife.
I started counseling almost two years into the relationship and it took about a year and a half more with counseling before I finally told him I couldn’t do it anymore. I told him he didn’t love me and he didn’t want to be with me. I told him to go home to his wife and children. He never responded. Not one single word. But about five months later he got his transfer back. Friends tell me he posted lots of ridiculous over the top things about his wife and for the first time in six years (because remember I knew him as a friend before) he posts pics of them together.
So, I completely agree with the whole article. The married N is sick and has skills we somewhat average people can’t even imagine. It’s been a year since I have heard from him. And most days I still think about him. It is still so hard to believe what he did. That I loved someone who was capable of such cold-hearted, unfeeling evil.
I’ve been NC for nine months. It is the weirdest thing to think about him so often and yet have no desire to speak to him…. to actually be afraid of him. I consider myself very lucky that with counseling and by the grace of God that I was somehow pulled out of that situation. It could have been much worse. I could still be there accepting his lies and abuse.
I feel bad for his wife and have been tempted to send her your book in the mail. But I don’t. Who know why she stays. But that is her choice. Better her than me.
Zari Ballard
October 17, 2015 at 2:27 amHi Cam,
Wow….that’s a story right out of a married narcissist’s playbook. I am so, so, so sorry that he dragged you through that. It is amazing how they do it…how they can convince the victim, the victim’s friends…how they can compartmentalize everything and create an entirely separate life from the marriage as if it ain’t nothin’ but a thang! Then, to finally face up to him and in a snap, he’s gone without a word, hopping back into the married compartment as if he’d never been gone. What a piece of shit he is and, even though it still stings, what a lucky girl you are, sister. Yes, better her than you. Thank God you’re free of that narcissistic cancer.
And the wife? Well, she stays because she’s “family” invested and she, too, wants to believe. Eventually she’ll find her way here looking for answers – like we all have – because he’ll do it again if he isn’t doing it already. A narcissist never ever changes and, for him, this awful game of cat and mouse, push and pull, and seduce and discard…well, it just never gets old.
I wish you nothing but the best, girl. Stay strong and focused on YOU! I’m here if you need me….
Zari xo
Zari Ballard
October 12, 2015 at 11:16 pmZari here...LEBBY posted the story below on another article and I just HAD to copy it to this article because it fits it to a TEE. If there ever was a story about a married narcissist who played both sides like a pro, this is it. Good for you, LEBBY, for getting out and staying out – and thank you for sharing!!!!
Hi Zari. I found your site earlier this year and downloaded both your books when I went NC. My N tried every two weeks to reach out to me for months, but all his texts were blocked but could still go to my Ipod. I never responded. He works with me AND IS MARRIED, so it was difficult to ignore him but I did it. He had surgery on 5/1 and was out on medical leave for 10 weeks. During that time he still continued to try to communicate. Finally in mid June I sent to eff off and he went away. I got on with my life, tried joining a dating site or two.. but no one really interested me. I missed my N, but not all the b.s. that came with him. He came back to work mid-July. I had just broken up with a guy I briefly dated(I never WAS into him,but just decided to date him rather than be lonely). It was almost as if N sensed that.. he texted me something very random about a memory he had about our time together and I guess because I felt vulnerable or was fearing being lonely again, I responded to him very briefly. Like in all my breakups and NC, that’s all it took. He began texting, Iming me at work, calling me on our work phone asking for help with work issues, etc. Within a week we were meeting after work a couple times for a drink, he helped me find a used bike and we rode one night after work and soon of course, we were sleeping with each other again
I heard the same thing I had heard before..he hated his wife, he wanted out and was definitely going to leave her. He admitted when I broke things off he had reconciled with her and really tried,but he knew it was pointless. He was a master future faker and INSTANTLY began throwing those little carrots out there about what we would do when he became available, I was 100% skeptical that anything would happen and figured he would string me along for a while until I got tired of it, but being with him was comfortable and it was better than no one. The first time we had sex following our reconciliation, was one morning before work. THAT AFTERNOON he came to tell me that he felt like I should know that he was going on a family cruise a week and a half later. I told him he should have told me BEFORE we hooked up, but he told me he hadn’t thought of it at that time..but he had been struggling with telling me because he knew I’d probably get upset, but he felt he should come clean. What could I say? I told him it was Ok since the plans were made long before we started talking again. I wasn’t happy about it, but he promised things would happen by the end of October for sure. I tried convincing myself that I would just use him this time. as a friends with benefit type thing and not let his future faking get to me.
He asked me to send him some nude pics shortly after we reconnected. I complied. Well, his wife broke into his phone and found them in his deleted pic file. She texted me to stop and to leave her husband alone and a huge fight ensued. He called me that day to see how I was and I told him I was understandably upset. I questioned why she would (if she indeed hated him and was talking about moving out) tell me to leave her man alone? That obviously she wasn’t going anywhere. He got angry and told me that he had spent all day defending me and if I was going to give him crap as well, he wasn’t interested in continuing. I backed down and just said I didn’t know what I was thinking and I was sorry. He told me it got physical and she burned him with a curling iron. YET HE STAYED. He told me he packed a bag in case things got ugly. I thought..how much uglier can it get? Does she have to stab you before you leave?
He continued to give me more and more excuses and his plans for exit..none of which I knew were going to pan out. He even went so far as to point blank ask me if I believed that ‘this time’ he was really going to separate. I answered that I really had my doubts to which he thanked me for my honesty This time he was giving me an additional excuse that we weren’t “IN THE AFFAIR”, we were just taking things one day at a time and he was really enjoying the fact we were talking and interacting again. He used to be very hit or miss with contacting me when he got home, but this reconciliation was much worse. He barely talked to me at all when he was home. He went on the family cruise and told me he stayed in a cabin with his son and his wife stayed with their other son. That the only reason he went was because his parents were coming along.. otherwise, he would have cancelled altogether because he didn’t want to go anywhere with her (because she was so irate over the pictures she had found).
He was called away on a business trip three days before my birthday in Sept. He texted me to wish me happy birthday bright and early and sent me texts during the day. I thought he would call, but he never did and in fact at 5:30 texted me that he was going to dinner with the bosses and he had no idea what time he would be back in his room, so he was telling me good night early. I was like..gee..thanks! It’s my BD and not only can’t you call me, but you’re giving me the brush off. The next day he told me I make too much of a big deal over my birthday when I expressed my unhappiness about him not really making my day special.
BUT.. odd how things unfold in life. A total stranger who had been on my FB page for a couple months wished me Happy Birthday and we started conversing. One thing lead to another and I admitted that I was in a messy situation and it was best I didn’t talk to him since I felt like I was cheating. The more we talked,the more I liked this guy and I finally admitted to him that I was involved with a married man (who also happened to be a raging N). I told him my story and he said based on personal stories he had been told by friends, this guy wasn’t about to leave his wife. He told me my married man was lying to me. I argued and said he was telling me the truth..but I had been having these nagging doubts and questions of stuff that my N had mentioned to me or had commented on and things were not really adding up. I decided I liked this guy and was possibly giving up the chance on someone GOOD for the asshat I had been messing with for 3 years. I ended up telling my N I wasn’t interested in seeing him anymore. He questioned why..reminded me that I had told him I would be there for him ‘this time’ and promised I loved him. He told me 4 times he loved me and didn’t want to break up. He kept asking what changed and I finally admitted I had met someone. Of course, he wanted to know details about when I met him, where I met him, etc. but I wouldn’t tell him and we hung up.
I knew that I had to burn that final bridge in order to take the steps to END IT FOR GOOD AND FOR ALL and give myself a chance for this other guy. I texted my N’s wife and told her that I had told him I wanted no further contact and apologized for hurting her. Her reply was understandably nasty and she just told me to quit sending her husband inappropriate pics. The next day she told me she had talked to her husband and he denied speaking to me and in fact said we hadn’t talked in over 4 months. I sent her the screen shot of his INCOMING call to me the night before and another screenshot of the list of all our calls the past few days. I told her that at no time did I come after him (what he had been telling her all along),that it had always been him reaching out, that he never stopped trying to contact me the entire time I ignored him and that HE had requested the pics, I didn’t just send them trying to get him back. Well if you’ve ever seen the movie “The Other Woman”, that is what started happening. We were texting non-stop comparing notes. We actually LIKED each other. We both thought the other was a sweet person. Just this SOB was playing BOTH of us. He told me they hadn’t slept together in months.. as it turned out, they only slept apart maybe a night or two, but continued to have sex the entire time he had been involved with me. They went on the cruise in January as a 2nd honeymoon, he bought her a new wedding ring, a new car and promised he would never hurt her again. The family cruise he went on they were in the same cabin..not in separate ones. A vacation he took last summer in which he told me he went alone with just his kids was another lie. She didn’t go with him,but he called her two days later and had her drive herself to where he was to spend the week (and to have sex of course).
He told me she had hired a P.I. when they got back from the cruise and used it as an excuse why he couldn’t see me one weekend. He brought it up several times that she was having him followed, so he had to be really careful..even parked in my garage a few times when we hooked up so no one would see him. He told me he had confronted the guy and the police were even called. Well, she never hired one!! The lies continued.. The night of my birthday he didn’t go to dinner with his bosses. He had asked her to come visit him on her day off,they went out to dinner and she stayed over! I was LIVID. The day she found the nude photos, he didn’t defend me at all. To the contrary, he just kept telling her he had no idea why I would send him those pics because we hadn’t talked in four months. He said the instant he got them, he deleted them and told me to stop. The more things unfolded the more upset and angry I got. I felt like such a fool that I was so gullible and believed every word he told me. Apparently the night I broke up with him he told her he loved her and said the only reason I reached out to her was because I was trying to get in the middle of them because I wanted him.
I had tried for months to find my N on FB, but couldn’t.. he had even asked me a while back if I saw some pics on FB and I said I couldn’t find him. He had no explanation and asked if I had HIM blocked and I said no. I’m usually pretty quick about stuff like this and had it been anyone else, I would have thought to have one of my friends look him up, but again I believed him so I didn’t try to check up on him. My new guy friend looked him up today out of curiosity (I didn’t ask him to) and said it was unreal what he saw.. the trips, the pics of them being nothing but happy, wearing wedding rings (I never saw him wear a ring) and generally looking like the perfect couple. My N had even told me last October he had left her and tried to get me to agree to date him while he went through his divorce. I told him no, I wasn’t interested. There is a picture of them IN OCTOBER with their arms around each other smiling happily.
His wife sent me a text from him mid week of his bgging for forgiveness saying he had hit rock bottom, he had been lying to cover lies and that he wanted to work things out. He came back to work and tried to give me more lies about my birthday and some other things but I knew that is what they were.. just stories. He was scrambling trying to win ONE of us back because he was being shut out by both. His wife and I texted each other whenever he contacted us. One day I left early and he texted her he was thinking of her. 4 hours later he texted me asking me how I was feeling as I had been sick and said he hoped I was doing better. He is a psychopath!!!
All texts from both of them stopped on Thursday (which was fine.I really didn’t want to be drawn into their drama. I knew I was done and didn’t care what happened). Apparently, she just switched her profile pic to a picture of them together with their arms around each other, so he must have worked his magic and convinced her to take him back and work on their marriage. I think it’s sad that she is allowing this POS to stay in her life, but that is all she has known for 35 years, so good riddance I guess!
It was my weakness and his preying that allowed this parasite back into my life,but fortunately it was only for about 9 weeks this time. He was in still in his acquiring stage, so he was definitely nicer and had tricked me into thinking he had indeed changed. It’s disgusting to read these stories on here of so many N’s doing the EXACT SAME THING! Once I talked to his wife and got her side, things made so much more sense to me of times he used the silent treatment and then quickly followed it with love bombing and future faking. It made me sick. He had constant supply going back and forth. He’s truly a monster.
I’m just so grateful that my new friend opened my eyes to this man. Not only did he open my eyes but he supported me and even told me if the N tries to make contact, HE will intervene and it won’t be pretty. It’s great to have a male advocate who is more than willing to help me finally break all ties. I will NEVER EVER speak to my N…not even for work related questions (there is nothing he can’t find out from someone else). I sort of expect him to transfer now anyway if he is truly trying to repair his marriage and I can honestly say that would be the best for both of us.
Just wanted to share… 🙂
LEBBY
October 13, 2015 at 5:54 amZari, if I can help ONE woman get out of a similar situation, it will make the last 3 years of my living hell with the N worth it! I wanted to add that I was one of the 99.9999% married women when he started to pursue me and even though I told him repeatedly I had no interest in cheating OR him, he persisted until I finally gave in. He told me initially he was just throwing out the line to see if he could bait me..that it was all in fun, but then he fell in love. He was full of promises that he too would leave his wife when the time came to tell our spouses. His wife found out about it, called my husband – sh*t hit the fan and guess what he did? Yep! He stayed because he ‘couldn’t walk out on his kids’. My marriage was in complete shambles by that time and the fact we worked together and he had such close proximity made it impossible for my husband to trust me. We ended up getting a divorce. My N did apologize, said he felt ‘somewhat responsible’ but never really showed remorse for that of course.. I was devastated then and told him to leave me alone, but he still kept hoovering to just say hello, checking in to make sure I didn’t need anything, offered to help me find an apartment and soon we were in a full blown affair (since I was now single and available whenever a whim struck him).
Second comment I wanted to make about your article is the fact that he could compartmentalize so well. One trip we took I actually asked him if he thinks about his wife when he is with me or what people would think if they knew he was married and here we are at a hotel. It bothered ME and we were with total strangers! He said no..that when he’s with me, he never even thinks about her, that when we are together, it’s just us. Having said that though, there were many times when we were with each other, that she would text and he’d answer her back. I didn’t always know it WAS her, but now looking back I know that it was. He kept giving me reasons (which changed LITERALLY within hours from not being able to, to it was ok to) that we couldn’t see each other because he was “trying to keep the peace”. Seriously? If you are supposedly splitting, why are you keeping the peace? I must have heard the phrase, “I’m doing this as fast as I can” no less than 1000 times. I kept wondering WHAT he was doing fast because it pretty much seemed like he was doing nothing but avoiding her(or so he said). In actuality I’m assuming there were no discussions ever about splitting until she discovered something else to prove he had a girlfriend and then a fight would ensue which he must have skillfully lied his way out of.
Lastly, I found a post that I wrote earlier in the year (after we reconciled the 2nd time) that you responded to which ended up being exactly SPOT ON. You even said you knew he was lying and most likely having sex with his wife at the same time. You also commented that I should take issue with the fact that his wife knew about me and still stayed..which should have been a red flag that what he was telling me was all a lie. I appreciated the response but thought, no..she’s not right on this one. He’s telling me the truth because he would never lie to ME, I’m the one he loves! UGH. What a fool I was! Guess I had to find out myself because I just wanted my divorce and the years of sitting waiting to be worth SOMETHING.
Now that I’ve met this man (who is NOT a narcissist) I see what true love can be and what it feels like. There is consistency, no drama, no lies and of course, no wife. LOL. I realized the other day that I’m actually happier now than I have been in years! It’s good to be free.
Zari Ballard
October 23, 2015 at 3:51 pmLEBBY wrote….Now that I’ve met this man (who is NOT a narcissist) I see what true love can be and what it feels like. There is consistency, no drama, no lies and of course, no wife. LOL. I realized the other day that I’m actually happier now than I have been in years! It’s good to be free.
Truer words were never said! Keep it up, girl, and always let me know how you’re doing!
Zari xo
Bethd
October 14, 2015 at 6:56 amWow this story is so typical. It could have been my friends story to a tee! So glad you escaped. The wife is nothing more than an abused woman who is paralyzed into staying. Especially if he supports her and she has kids. It’s easier to believe his love bombing lies and stay.
Carolyn
October 15, 2015 at 3:28 pmOMG. This scenario just answered questions I had about the narcissist who recently sent me another email demanding to know why I’ve gone no contact with him. Zari, I removed him from Facebook two years ago and hadn’t seen him for the two years before that. But now he claims to be “worried” about me for blocking him and his flying monkey enablers (I can’t block email unfortunately).
I thought this was bizarre. Why would he care so much about trying to keep control over me? We haven’t seen each other in years AND last I heard he and his wife were very happily married. I think these people want to have their cake and eat it too. Even if he’s posting pictures of a happy marriage, you know it’s smoke and mirrors. So weird.
Zari Ballard
October 25, 2015 at 2:57 amHi Carolyn,
It’s control alright but in a very covert, off-handed kind of way. What he’s doing, every year or so, is checking to see if maybe – just maybe – you’re still in the queue, that’s all. If it seems like you’re not (when you don’t respond), he basically mutters a few not-so-kind words and simply continues on until the NEXT time he feels compelled to check if you’re still in the queue…and around and around it goes. I’m not sure why you can’t block him but, if that’s true, then I guess ignoring is the obvious thing. For him, this game will NEVER get old but for you it will (and has) and eventually you’ll just see him in the email and just scroll past it. As you know, he’s not “”worried” about anything, least of all why you blocked him. The truth is that he KNOWS why you did it…he just doesn’t particularly care. To him, it’s still worth a shot to call when time comes to take inventory of The Queue. He’s likely moving down a list and your name keeps coming around because you’re one of those – or the only one – that doesn’t respond! KEEP IT UP! Right now, YOU are in control. The second that you reply – even to say something like “Fuck off!” – he’s back in the driver’s seat!
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Fuck off”
BethD
October 12, 2015 at 5:29 amHi Zari! Spot on! All of it. I have numerous friends who have gotten involved with married men mostly on the Internet. Yes they are usually high level narcissists who wine and dine and give the old “I’m separated” act. Some say they are living with wifey while selling their house, or when not available on weekends they invent offices they have in other locations or older kids they need to see on weekends away at college. I’ve heard it all and most times the woman just doesn’t want to believe it. These are truly the wolves in sheeps clothing who literally charm the pants off their mistresses and lie with ease to both the wife and mistress. I have a friend who was involved for over 20 years with her married lover who swore they would be together when the kids got older. He kept upping the ante with expensive gifts and vacations but of course it never happened. Thank God my friend finally had the courage to leave him but she is damaged for sure. He replaced her with ease and I believe there were many others while they were together. My advice to women who meet these online predators is to google immediately. Once they get you in their web it is hard to get out. They are so damn believable because they are good at what they do! Another great post!
Zari Ballard
October 12, 2015 at 5:04 pmHi BethD,
How are ya, girl?? I love it when you pop in to visit:) Ah yes, the married narcissist. I was coming across this situation so many times in consults and through emails that I figured I’d better post about it. It’s truly mind-boggling how the married narc can coordinate (seemingly effortlessly) the events/details of the additional relationship so that it rarely interferes with the marriage. It all comes down to the narc’s lack of a moral compass. A “normal” married guy trying to cheat or thinking about cheating simply doesn’t have that kind of finesse or ability to compartmentalize. This is what separates the narcissist from the guys that are just assholes. Granted, it’s a fine line but there is a difference.
As always, I appreciate your input!!
Zari xo
Bethd
October 14, 2015 at 6:51 amThey have all the tricks to pull it off. Compartmentalizing is easy for them because when the heat is on they disappear better than anyone. My friends would always mention the disappearing acts. When the wife puts the heat on they will start a fight or just disappear without reason. This gives them time to make all well at home. It also trains the mistress not to rock the boat. They are usually so devastated by the silent treatment they accept the lame excuses for the ST. These creatures are the most despicable of the bunch. Thanks Zari for bringing out this important subject in the world of crazy Narcissism!
Zari Ballard
October 17, 2015 at 2:30 amBethd wrote about the married narcissist….These creatures are the most despicable of the bunch. Yes, they absolutely are!