The narcissist will, over time, manage down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more and more. This is one of the most powerful weapons in the narcissistic arsenal and it provides the narcissist (male or female) the most rewards. In fact, the narcissist personality really shines when implementing this particular strategy because it shows just how much patience he really has when it comes to controlling you. The managing down of a partner’s expectations allows the narcissist to stick close to the relationship agenda that guides him and it allows him the freedom to roam about on this planet fairly unfettered while we sit on the sidelines scratching our heads and grinding our teeth.
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Managing down our expectations is a method where a narcissist shows he has all the patience in the world. The process begins with the very first fight or the very first silent treatment (whichever comes first) and lasts until the final devalue & discard. The entire process can take many weeks, months, or even years and you won’t even know it’s happening. It’s the narcissist’s way of teaching you how to behave and how to react to any given behavior that he bestows upon you.
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The N manipulates your expectations by “training” you to react a certain way to certain situations. For example, the disappearing act. If your N is anything like my ex-N, he’ll just disappears for days/weeks at a time, not answering his phone (or changing his number), refusing to answer the door (or not being home for days), and basically acting as if you don’t exist. It causes horrible anguish and suffering – so much so, in fact, that you will do anything to make it end including forgiving his disappearance instantly upon his return. You will be so relieved to have the separation anxiety disappear that you may not even ask about or demand a single explanation. In other words, he gets away with it which is a narcissist’s goal in just about anything that he (or she) does. Now, to manage down your expectations a bit further, the next time he disappears, he will stay away just slightly longer than the time before, thus extending the time he gets to cheat on you (because that is what he’s doing, by the way) with each silent treatment. Ultimately, he will have managed down your expectations of the relationship to the point that he can stay away for months on end, returning with little or no fanfare.
The narcissist uses this narcissistic ploy to his benefit for many situations including having to take you on dates (he basically never takes you anywhere because you don’t expect him to) or being with you on the holidays (you just expect that he won’t) or paying his own way. Our expectations of what is “normal” in a relationship get completely messed up and we begin to allow everything and anything to take place right under our noses. It becomes easier to look the other way…to “forgive” the indiscretions and mind-boggling behavior…rather than to call a narc out on his behaviors and risk another departure. In other words, we give everything and expect nothing in return and nothing is exactly what we get!
Everything the narcissist does or says during the course of your relationship is a means to an end and don’t you ever forget that. Nothing is ever random. A narcissist is out to get whatever he wants whenever he wants with whomever he wants at anyone’s expense and the easiest way to do it is to manage down your expectations of the relationship so that you’re willing to accept mere crumbs of attention. In doing this, he can disappear and reappear on the fly without much fear of consequence. He will count of your suffering to keep you in his queue and your acceptance of crumbs to keep him from putting to much thought into any given lie.
Think about this when you beat yourself up over why you put up with any of this shit. Your concept of a normal relationship became or has become twisted and now, whether or in the relationship or finally out of it, you have to re-train your brain back to normal. What we allow will continue and only we can make the changes that will ultimately lead to our recovery from this type of relationship manipulation.
Get started today…I am here to support you:)
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BAS
October 26, 2016 at 7:07 amZari,
I have been involved with at least 2 Narcissists. The first was an introvert control freak and “withholder”, the second was like a movie star, popular, big bull shitter that everyone seems to love. Mainly because he has money and buys drinks and will have a party. But he has parties where the bar already has a band, etc., so all he does is collect the recognition and really the party is free! I can’t believe everyone falls for this. He would stand up in the living room at 1/2 time of a football game and say “the plans have changed”. I figured out that the wench he is with now texted him, he would just get up and leave. So I was on to him, caught the 2 of them at his place late. Texted if he didn’t let me in, I was calling police for my stuff! She was wearing his t-shirt and lace panties, the bed was messed up and BOTH of them insisted nothing happened! They are both liars, so maybe she is a narc too?? But after 3 yrs of him, he takes the biggest, loud mouth slut to his families wedding. He is now in pix all over facebook with her. Can you tell me when he is so worried about his rep and we went to church every Sunday – why in the world would he choose the biggest Ho in Cincy to advertise himself with? I had people tell me out of all the chicks he chased, I looked pretty good in pix I posted. He didn’t want me to, but he was in ignore mood, and I thought I’d fix him. LOL So let me know why a narc would choose a lowlife to run around with, when he had a woman that gets along with everyone and is cute enough. BTW, that wasn’t the first time he cheated, there were at least 2 other chicks. They weren’t all that either. Why and how long will it take for him to treat this chick like he did me?
Zari Ballard
November 7, 2016 at 4:44 pmDear BAS,
I don’t know when he will treat this girl badly but since he appears to have a zillion girlfriends, surely it will happen. My question to you, since I don’t sense even the slightest bit of pain and despair in your post about a break-up, is why are you putting up with it? It seems to bother you more that you find them not as attractive as you. If they were beautiful, would you feel better? Probably not. And since he’s – by your definition – a BULL SHITTER, then don’t worry about it. Let him do his thing and get on with your life. There’s no time to waste.
Zari:)
Grace
October 13, 2016 at 8:45 pmDear Zari,
Thank you for your work in helping the victims of this horrid disorder.
I met C on a dating site, and he pursued me with vigor. He said he’d treat me like a queen if allowed to be my exclusive boyfriend. What a laugh! He was painfully cheap, never bought me a single flower or gift for Christmas, Valentine’s, or my birthday. (Yet I took him out for his special days). He cheated on me with a woman weighing 300 lbs who was a senior citizen, and then lied about it (she confessed that my suspicion was correct). The most insulting thing? He refused to have me in his home, saying he has two boarders! Yes, we had to use motels. Sexually, he was very talented but mechanical. There was no genuine affection or romance. When I dated another man, he angrily asked if the lover brought me to climax–not whether I was in love with him!
He never made time for me, yet insisted on texting me dozens of times a day, even when I asked him to stop. I don’t think he was just trying to stay on my radar as a future second choice. I believe it was a control tactic so I would be reminded of him and not move on.
After not seeing him for over 3 months, the spell is finally broken. I’d rather be alone forever than used by a narcissist.
Emma
September 28, 2016 at 6:58 amI was targeted by a narcissist via a dating app, I considered him a bit of a pest at first but he persisted, messaging me and trying to engage in conversation and eventually he wore me down, I was flattered and we began chatting. The first phase lasted about 5 weeks where he lavished me with attention, flattery and mind blowing sex chat. I spent most of my spare time chatting to him daily and he said he wanted to be my boyfriend and eventually even set up home with me (I know this now to be love bombing/future faking). We planned to meet and I was thrilled, I even had a pic of him on my desk at work. I did consider it a bit odd but I was too far gone to care, I was hooked on this fit/handsome/charming guy. I even saw him in the street once randomly and I approached him and introduced myself. He was shocked to see me but then said hello. I was confused as though he was friendly his behavior in person did not match his behavior on the phone either on phone calls or via message. I recall that we hugged and agreed to chat properly when we met so I put it down to shyness. I was counting down the minutes to our first meeting the following week and in the mean time did not notice the contact/attention begin to wain a little, this was by about the fourth week. I was subsequently hit by the biggest shock of my life when I got a message from him a few days before the scheduled meeting date saying he had met someone else and they had been on a couple of dates and they were now an item. I went into shock, I could not believe what was happening, I replied saying I understood as I wanted to take the high road. He was grateful that I was being understanding and I suggested we keep in touch (I was desperate, I wanted him to keep me on his radar in case it didn’t work out). I sank into a depression desperate for any contact form him and though he never contacted me kept testing the water. He would always reply but it was only on a friendly basis and when I asked how it was going with her he said it was going well and always referred to her as ‘my Girl/My Girlfriend’ which cut me to the bone. I thought about him non stop for three months and had decided to stop contacting him as it had become pointless as I concluded he must have been happy with this girl and concluded he was done with me.
Feb 9 2016, I was out with work mates and was stunned to get a text from him saying it had fizzled out with his girlfriend and did I want to meet? OMG I was soooo happy, I feigned regret that it hadn’t worked out and like a shot agreed to meet him that Saturday for a date (The first date was brilliant). Amazingly we are still dating but his behavior is just like Zari describes, he cancels dates on occasion, he asked me if id like to go on holiday only to change his mind when I start wanting to plan it and now never mentions it. He told me he doesn’t want a serious relationship as he doesn’t want a serious relationship with anyone then says I don’t value him when I treat us as not serious according to his wishes. Deep down I know what he is but his trauma bonding has been too good, I’m totally hooked and an in the state where even shabby/inconsistent treatment is better than him discarding me again
Zari Ballard
October 7, 2016 at 8:39 pmHi Emma,
Wow…you have to know this guy is just a cad…a con man…and a super-duper player. I hope that are able to pull yourself out of it before it goes on much longer. NEVER accept mere crumbs of attention. From the moment he met you, he began managing down your expectations and now he gets away with whatever he is doing on the side scott-free. There is no way that he is NOT stringing women along on the side and I bet there is more than one.
Please know that you deserve more than this and that nothing about anything about him – not the way that you met, how he blew you off for someone else, how he acted when you ran in to him, how he pulled you up in the queue as soon as the his other dalliances didn’t work out or come through – is normal and it never will be. This is as “good” as it’s ever going to get. You don’t have to be “hooked” to less than you deserve. He is an online predator that truly is nothing nice. Be strong and send him on his way. Discard HIM before he discards you and if he does discard you turn it into no contact. Look ahead into the future and see that there is NO future with him. Sometimes we have to do the right thing for the sake of the one life that we have even if our heart is reluctant to the change.
Zari xo
Grace
October 16, 2016 at 9:50 pmBut how did you fall in love without meeting him? I don’t know that much about narcissists, but maybe he wasn’t really one…he just wasn’t viewing you as a real relationship.
In my online dating experience, it is never “real” until you meet. Chemistry cannot be determined online or in a phone call. And when someone drags out meeting, there’s a reason.
I wish you better luck next time. There are lots of cads, unfortunately.
Sabine
September 21, 2016 at 5:36 amIt is so amazing to read your book excerpts…. I just walked out of a relationship with a text-book narcissist…. Almost 3 years, I’m glad I didn’t stay longer. In the beginning I noticed some narcissistic tendencies which I found annoying, but what do you want to do, you let it slide. He love-bombed me like I have never experienced before…. You can imagine that made me feel like a princess…. He even told me that he puts his women on a pedestal, which I didn’t understand at the time…. He actually gave me plenty of verbal clues as to what he really was up to, we need to listen and when they tell us something, believe it… All the phases and markers happened in our relationship, its just amazing how they all seem to dance to the same sheet of music.. A big charmer, he charmed me, all my friends, had to dominate every conversation, flirted with every little waitress who gave him attention, oh it was so annoying. Lip service on how much he loved me and loved to be with me, but when we went out of town on our frequent motorcycle trips he always had to bring friends, I realize he always wanted an audience. When I found out he cheated, (I found a text message, and its so interesting I read the text where he asks the woman, you know after some talk how she looks forward to him touching her breasts…. “Are you falling in love with me, my dear” how his manipulation works its magic..), then the de-valuing began. He found things wrong with me, criticized me, questioned me about things that were never an issue, called me “difficult”. As I started reading more about the disorder I was again amazed on how text-book his behavior really was. Funny thing is I felt bad and sorry when I left him, I doubted my gut feeling, I wanted him to love me and only me, how stupid. When I went back to the house a few short weeks later to pick up some things and saw a woman’s stuff all over and evidence that he had bounced back awfully quick, my feelings turned into anger and disgust, and that’s really the best way to deal with this, because it opens your eyes to what this relationship really was: A BIG NOTHING!! Thank you so much for writing about your experiences, and good luck in the future.
Eileen
September 19, 2016 at 8:13 amMy husband was tragically killed we were married 40 years I managed to
Pull myself up. I’m an empath also I’ve learned codependent ,I met a man on line he loved bombed me,he had over a dozen relationships before me,he was covert and charming a wirkaholic also he told me autistic. I think asperges ,he totally love bombed me. Said I was the love of his life. Long story short I realised after afew red flags it was all his way. I was last in his list I purposely had words with him to see wat was going on I was anxious losing weight not feeling good I told him I didn’t sign up for all this stress he said Wel we didn’t sign a contract I said I did in my heart ,he said he’d be better off on his own. I said Wel be on your own then because I don’t want to be ,he’s broke my heart I feel close to a breakdown. But know he is unavailable. Cruel and it was. A lie. But am finding it very hard have gone no contact he hasn’t said anything since except thankyou for being kind I appreciate it. Take care. Didn’t fight for me try to resolve anything nothing. It was shocking how he just changed !!
Zari Ballard
September 25, 2016 at 5:04 pmHi Eileen,
I am so sorry to hear about the tragedy of your husband’s death…40 years is an absolute lifetime and I can’t imagine how you went through that and survived!!! The good news is, however, the fact that you have lived to write here on this blog tells me that you can survive anything. A narcissist, in the grand picture of life (and especially your life with such a tragedy) is really nothing. Please look at it in this manner. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH HAPPINESS, SISTER!!!!
Please keep in mind that I do provide consultation support so that we can work it out together in real time. Sometimes a conversation with someone who has been through an experience with an N just like yourself can make all the difference. It may just be the medicine you need:)
Stay strong and please do write here anytime. I am here to support you:)
Zari xo
Misdori
August 1, 2016 at 7:53 amHi Zari,
One of the celebrated Narcissist of our time, front and center, is running for President. I watch his speeches and interviews and think to myself…this guy doesn’t have a clue just how self-absorbed he is to the point of constantlty ‘defending himself’ for his rude and obnoxious mouth. I was just curious if you know of any Professionals who specialize in the Narcissist Personality Disorder, who have made an ‘arm chair’ analysis of Donald Trump (?) I am curious to know their thoughts….and i really think the Nation should request a psycho analysis if he should win…I’m just sayin’, God help us!
Msdori
Zari Ballard
August 12, 2016 at 2:44 pmHi Misdori,
I don’t know of any professional analysis but I’ll gladly give you mine: Let me say that every single politician, president, royal, leader ON THE PLANET is not only a narcissist but a SOCIOPATH as well. Every single one!!! My eyes opened up a few years back and I did some serious research and saw the light. The plan of all of these psychos is to bring this country down and make one big totalitarian world government. Trump does speak of this and in many ways tells the truth…it’s just the embarrassing way that he does it that makes me cringe. Mark my words, world leaders are very close to their goal. Hillary is a complete sociopath and very embedded in this criminal organization. She is a complete liar and she simply doesn’t care what she lies about. Trump, as annoying and loud mouth as he is, is more of an embarrassing loose canon than anything else and that’s what frightening to me about him. Clearly he is narcissistic but I have yet to see the signs or hear the stories that would define him as a narcissist as we describe. He doesn’t have the skeletons in his closet that a narcissist/sociopath would have and it appears that he has raised some amazingly well adjusted children who are very successful on their own. Even his ex wives don’t talk shit which I find amazing. Narcissists, as a rule, have plenty of skeletons and things to hide and family life is questionable. Compare him to, say, Bill Clinton’s behaviors and who is clearly the narcissist that we describe here on this blog? Hillary, because they have a political arrangement, is complicit in all of it. I see her as far worse than her husband ever was.
EITHER WAY, our choices suck and this will be the first time since I was 18 that I probably won’t vote. I’m not defending Trump at all…I’m just honestly saying it as I see it. An embarrassing baffoon with narcissistic tendencies…yes. A narcissist as we describe on these pages, not so much. And, believe me, I would be the first to call him out as I see it if I thought he was a textbook.
But I do agree with you when you say God Help Us!!! Amen to that.
Zari xo
Emma
May 3, 2016 at 1:48 pmAn excellent response zari! And good on you nessy for being so honest! I agree – a letter of apologies to your ex heals both of you to move on in the world.