The narcissist will, over time, manage down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more and more. This is one of the most powerful weapons in the narcissistic arsenal and it provides the narcissist (male or female) the most rewards. In fact, the narcissist personality really shines when implementing this particular strategy because it shows just how much patience he really has when it comes to controlling you. The managing down of a partner’s expectations allows the narcissist to stick close to the relationship agenda that guides him and it allows him the freedom to roam about on this planet fairly unfettered while we sit on the sidelines scratching our heads and grinding our teeth.
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Managing down our expectations is a method where a narcissist shows he has all the patience in the world. The process begins with the very first fight or the very first silent treatment (whichever comes first) and lasts until the final devalue & discard. The entire process can take many weeks, months, or even years and you won’t even know it’s happening. It’s the narcissist’s way of teaching you how to behave and how to react to any given behavior that he bestows upon you.
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The N manipulates your expectations by “training” you to react a certain way to certain situations. For example, the disappearing act. If your N is anything like my ex-N, he’ll just disappears for days/weeks at a time, not answering his phone (or changing his number), refusing to answer the door (or not being home for days), and basically acting as if you don’t exist. It causes horrible anguish and suffering – so much so, in fact, that you will do anything to make it end including forgiving his disappearance instantly upon his return. You will be so relieved to have the separation anxiety disappear that you may not even ask about or demand a single explanation. In other words, he gets away with it which is a narcissist’s goal in just about anything that he (or she) does. Now, to manage down your expectations a bit further, the next time he disappears, he will stay away just slightly longer than the time before, thus extending the time he gets to cheat on you (because that is what he’s doing, by the way) with each silent treatment. Ultimately, he will have managed down your expectations of the relationship to the point that he can stay away for months on end, returning with little or no fanfare.
The narcissist uses this narcissistic ploy to his benefit for many situations including having to take you on dates (he basically never takes you anywhere because you don’t expect him to) or being with you on the holidays (you just expect that he won’t) or paying his own way. Our expectations of what is “normal” in a relationship get completely messed up and we begin to allow everything and anything to take place right under our noses. It becomes easier to look the other way…to “forgive” the indiscretions and mind-boggling behavior…rather than to call a narc out on his behaviors and risk another departure. In other words, we give everything and expect nothing in return and nothing is exactly what we get!
Everything the narcissist does or says during the course of your relationship is a means to an end and don’t you ever forget that. Nothing is ever random. A narcissist is out to get whatever he wants whenever he wants with whomever he wants at anyone’s expense and the easiest way to do it is to manage down your expectations of the relationship so that you’re willing to accept mere crumbs of attention. In doing this, he can disappear and reappear on the fly without much fear of consequence. He will count of your suffering to keep you in his queue and your acceptance of crumbs to keep him from putting to much thought into any given lie.
Think about this when you beat yourself up over why you put up with any of this shit. Your concept of a normal relationship became or has become twisted and now, whether or in the relationship or finally out of it, you have to re-train your brain back to normal. What we allow will continue and only we can make the changes that will ultimately lead to our recovery from this type of relationship manipulation.
Get started today…I am here to support you:)
This is an updated post
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Sarah
January 20, 2022 at 7:28 pm[This might be a bit long, Zari, but I wanted to give you the whole picture. Feel free to edit it if you want to use any of it.]
A lightbulb went off when you summarised the whole N. ‘arsenal’ as passive-aggressive – the fact that it is ALL bullying. And so hard to put your finger on. I am now coming to terms with totally cutting off my grown daughter, after the latest bout of future faking. (That’s hard to justify to others, given that the bullying is ‘hidden’, and the mother-daughter relationship seemingly so ‘sacred’.)
She lives overseas, so when she plans to visit she gives me her travel dates – sometimes months ahead – and tries to rush me into agreement. These dates are supposedly fixed by now, with her travel agent and friends, while I haven’t been consulted. If they conflict with mine, or I have any reason for saying ‘no’ (eg COVID) she won’t compromise by even one day. She’ll throw a tantrum, play victim (‘You’re rejecting me again’), and hoover me (‘I’m only coming all that way, and spending all that money, to see you.’) She has usually lied and wheedled the money out of others by saying she’s concerned about her old Mom, but can’t afford it. And she never has any money herself, of course,
After a year of near-silence from her, and my attempts at grey rocking, I believe she’s now just trying to shore up her inheritance. (Her Narc father is spending his money on a much younger woman in Asia.) My mistake was to over-explain my reasons for saying ‘no’ at his time. This gave her ammunition for arguing sgainst me. She was willing to make all sorts of sacrifices once she was here – she just wanted to ‘spend time’ with me.
Finally she went for emotional blackmail: She had to come then, and if not, she couldn’t come at all. She’d put the money somewhere else. Implied: If I can’t come when I want to, I’ll miss out altogether, and it will be your fault. For once I saw the manipulation and replied that I wasn’t responsible for her decision, and wouldn’t discuss it further.
I got the predicted responses: I’m rejecting her (again); ‘something else’ must be going on with me; she would have done all she could to adapt to my needs etc. I didn’t reply, and while I felt shaky about it, I also felt a 40-year burden lifting. (Over 70 years, if you count time living with my father and her father.) Life’s too short.
I think the shedding has been made easier by distance, and mainly through the absence of anyone significant that she could now triangulate with. I have nothing to lose now (even inwardly), and knowing that I’ve liberated myself from a lifetime of conditioning, finally feel that I can find peace of mind. Thank you so much for your contributions.
Zari Ballard
May 8, 2022 at 1:55 amThank you so much for sharing, Sarah…I posted the whole thing! Stay free, sister…peace of mind is all its about:)
mike
November 23, 2018 at 3:43 pmMy expectations of my Narc have been reduced to crumbs as well…Strangely, I have been content with her as a sex partner for the last 2 months…I have no great expectations of her or our “relationship” So, I wont be too disappointed with her…Funny how it works….I know the “relationship” is just sex..Always has been but she made me feel there could be more…Just love/sex bombing in hind sight….I don’t feel she ever had an agenda in her mind….Its just how most Narcs operate…
Debra
March 2, 2018 at 10:20 amI married a narc 3 years ago just to learn he is married to someone else. The typical patterns as others, so many lies and affairs..15 or more. Dating sites, sex before, during and after work with just about anyone. He “loves” them all and wants to “marry” them all. The first book I read in one sitting was “When Love is a Lie” which opened my eyes to what I was with. No one understands the hold they have on you. We are now living together and his heartless response when I told him he’s still married was I didn’t know. Another major lie. I hurt deeply and I’ve convinced myself that the open cheating, constant disrespect will help me finally be able to stay no contact and never return but I still am in love with the illusion. He’s successfully managed down all my expectations and basically I am a 5 minute release a few times a month. After that massive disrespect. I’ve turned to God as I feel that’s the only way to stop this cycle. I have failed time and time again.