To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners

male-victim-narcissismMale victims of female narcissistic partners have a harder path to walk (than female victims) on the road to narcissist abuse recovery and here’s how I came to this conclusion:  In making this website, I take great pains in trying to address those topics related to narcissism that weigh the most heavily on the minds of my readers. To do this, I study the analytical data and statistics of the website itself on almost a daily basis. This data provides me with the gender of visitors, the demographics, the keyword search terms that visitors use, and a whole host of additional information. From the very beginning, I noticed something very interesting – and shocking – about the gender of my readers: a good portion were male.  And I’m not talking just a small percentage. I’m talking a percentage big enough that for me not to address the specific issue of male victims of female narcissist abuse would be not only unfair but completely hypocritical.

So, that being said, I’ve written the following personal letter to all male victims who endure narcissist abuse at the hands of a female narcissist…all those males victims that visit numerous websites (including mine) looking for support on the subject of female narcissist partners, narcissist abuse, and narcissist recovery and who typically find nothing that speaks to them.

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To Male Victims of Female Narcissist Abusers:

First, let me apologize on behalf of all female victims, website bloggers, and authors of books on narcissism for perhaps the biggest “slap-in-the-face” we send to the male victim of narcissist abuse: the constant referral to the narcissistic partner as he and him. Although I do make a disclaimer as to this reference in my books and have, in fact, written a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) that specifically addresses the female narcissistic partner, it still must be painfully annoying and I’m sorry for that. Now, unfortunately, having said that, it’s doubtful that, at least online, this reference to the male gender will change anytime soon. The fact is that, at least for me, it’s simply easier to refer to all narcissists as he since 1) the majority of victims who speak out on the topic are indeed female and have suffered abuse at the hands of male narcissists, and 2) most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male, and 3) I speak from my own experience as a female victim. So, I hope you can forgive and see past all that when seeking comfort for your own abuse on my website and others. I, for one, can promise you that the reference isn’t personal.

Second, let me say that, after reading through letters and forum posts both on my site and on other sites from male victims, I get the sneaking suspicion that female narcissists, though smaller in number than their male counterparts, might very well be the leaders in the evil department – and there ‘s a logical reason why. Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning, imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be!  Male narcissists (MN), even while tormenting the female victim, still have to worry about maintaining the proper image in the global arena (i.e. outside world).  Female narcissists (FN), on the other hand, are keenly aware that females in general pull in far more sympathy from outsiders than even the most victimized male and so the load for the FN is much lighter. FNs, without the extra workload of having to instantly smooze anyone and everyone who might sympathize with their victim, may very well be naturally inclined to do the more evil of narcissistic deeds – whatever that may be.  Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ” You get my point.  There are other reasons that lend themselves to the fact that female narcissists may be nastier and I promise to address this in future articles. For now, I want you to know that I do “get it”.

I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive. The truth is that I think most female victims feel as I do – that male victims are very isolated in this mess (as a whole) and do not have a whole lot of male-exclusive “victim” clubs to run to for support. Another truth is that, for the most part, female victims know that male narcissists – even though there are millions walking the planet – do not, exclusively, speak for the male population. We want to know that there are good guys out there! We want to know that the male gender can actually experience the heartbreak that we feel – that it’s actually possible. You won’t find female victims accusing you of whining, I’ll guarantee that. At the peak of our suffering, male victims are our only proof we have that good men even exist anymore! So, we want to hear from you! We want you to join the sisterhood!

My point in all of this is that I encourage you – the male victim of a narcissistic partner – to seek support among us. We are here to listen and to help. Narc abuse is unique in its passive-aggressive evilness. We know that you suffer through silent treatments and deliberate acts of chaos and gas lighting and co-dependency and all the types of manipulation that we suffer through. As I said before, we may even be inclined to believe that your specific degree of suffering is a tad worse. As for me, I definitely acknowledge the credit you deserve for putting up with the inevitable reference to narcissists as male because that is unlikely to change. This must always be a point of contention and the fact that male victims, for lack of a better place to go, even dare to brave the all-female forums to share your grief is admirable. Understand that female victims appreciate this fact and will recognize your sincerity.

To everyone, with the pain of a narcissistic discard often so indescribable that we feel nothing but isolation, all victims – male and female – are welcome on this website. Together, we can spread the word about narcissism, lighten the burden for victims who follow us, and hopefully get a handle on the madness.

Your friend,

Zari

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236 Comments

  • AG

    March 15, 2017 at 4:42 am Reply

    My boyfriend is a victim of a female narcissist. And that is on top of sexual abuse as a pre-teen. He feels tormented by the fact that his children have been pitted against him. He has four children and none of them will speak to him. He gets video calls from his youngest (13) daughter on facebook and the background is black and they won’t speak. I suspect this is his soon-to-be-ex-wife (STBEW) using his daughter’s phone. He left his abusive STBE nearly 3 years ago. He is terrified to go to court because he knows how they give preferential treatment to the female and she is a master at playing the victim. Even though their children witnessed what he was going through, she played the victim in all of this and now they will not speak to him. His two middle children will contact him occasionally, but usually only when something is needed. The oldest and youngest won’t contact him at all. I have been through a messy divorce myself and finally got the courage to leave my narcissist ex back in 2012, but he did the same thing to 2 of our children, my two boys. They will not speak to me to this day (21 and 18). I met my boyfriend nearly 3 years ago when he was in the process of leaving his abuser. We bonded immediately because of what we had both been through. As much pain as I still have at the loss of my children (as they want nothing to do with me), he seems to be having a much more difficult time at recovery. He feels tormented. In the beginning of our relationship he felt free to love again, it felt good to love again and be loved. He began to seek out God again (he is a convicted man which is making this much harder for him to face – that he loves someone other than his narcissist STBEW). He began to feel like a man again. He started having direction and knowing what he wanted. That is… until she stepped in and stripped that away. She then turned to religious abuse and began laying the guilt trip on him trying to ruin the peace he had begun to find. She guilt tripped him and began turning his children against him by playing the victim. It all became about him leaving them for another woman (the marriage was already essentially over due to her abuse, neglect, and extra marital affair). She has fabricated events saying I have sent her pictures of the two of us together when I did no such thing. She has harassed me with repeated phone calls to the point I had to get an app on my phone that would uncover the phone calling me. It was her. But still she tried to say it was her daughter, trying to avoid responsibility. When I had finally had enough, I sent her a text one day with him beside me and she IMMEDIATELY (was definitely waiting for me to do something so she could once again play the victim) sent him a text turning tables saying I was harassing her. I am seeing a counselor because of what I have been through. I have confided in him about my boyfriend and he told me that you cannot apply logic to an illogical situation. Narcissists do not act logically and to try and deal with them logically, is useless and frustrating. My boyfriend is in so much pain and she just keeps trying to torment him by using his daughter’s account so she still doesn’t have to take responsibility. She calls at all hours on her daughter’s account and messages him. There seems to be a pattern. She will text him or try to call him, he won’t answer her. So then he will get messages on his daughter’s facebook messenger and phone calls from the same. Only they will not show their face and will not speak. Messing with his head. We will be video chatting and they will be able to see he is on another call and she will then start sending him messages calling him a sinner and me a whore. She is sick. HE isn’t positive its his STBEW and thinks it could be his daughter as she is so much like her mother. I have to think that a 13 year old girl wouldn’t do such things. These are the actions more of a scorned woman. He has not gotten a divorce yet, because there is no reasoning with her and he cannot afford a lengthy drawn out court battle. He was hoping that she would begin to move on and sometimes we begin to think she has, but then here come the harassing calls and texts again. I sometimes wonder if she finds another victim for a short while, but when they discover how she is they end it quickly and then she is back trying to make his life miserable. He feels helpless and is trying to deal with so much and I feel frustrated as I want to be able to move forward in our relationship, but we are still standing in this knee deep.
    How does a male victim of narcissism find a way to move on? How do they strip the abuser of the control? He tends to prefer just to ignore her which works for a while, but she finds her ways. He wants to be able to have civil conversation with her with respect to the kids, but I am of the notion that it will never be possible. How do we find a way to move on from here? Do two victims of former narcissistic partners and sexual abuse and abandonment have hope of being in a successful relationship? Your advice would be appreciated.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 18, 2017 at 6:37 pm Reply

      Hi AG,

      Okay, now I’m not saying that everything you described about your boyfriend’s ex isn’t true, but you seem to be of the opinion that this guy has done nothing wrong and I’m not so sure if I believe this. First of all, if he really wanted to be divorced from this woman, he would be. There is a reason why he isn’t moving forward with it. If all or some of the children are under eighteen, then taking this to court would obligate him to pay child support and at the same time give him some sort of visitation. Whether they are speaking to him or not, they would have to spend time with their dad. Again, if he really cared about his kids and seeing them and if he REALLY wants away from this woman once and for all, he would grow some balls and get it done. He would FIND the money. I don’t believe his situation is the same as yours.

      You said something interesting that you should think about….that it appears to you that she is acting like a woman scorned. Why do you think that is? Now I don’t know the whole story, of course, but according to you, he left her three years ago. Three years ago! What has he been doing for three years? You say he is a “convicted” man (I assume you mean “Godly” by this) who has a hard time accepting that he loves someone besides his ex? Really? And he’s been separated for three years? So, for three years, he hasn’t seen his children or made a legal move to do so even though going to court would secure his spot as their father? And apparently he’s “terrified” of his ex but not so terrified that he wouldn’t move out three years ago and move on with HIS own life? I can’t help it – the story just seems “off”. There’s just HAS to be reason why, after three long years, that this woman – as horrible as she may be – is acting as if she’s been “scorned”. Even a narcissistic female has her limits there. And it is the narcissistic female who usually does the kicking out. Could it be she behaves this way because this guy is still her husband and he isn’t even making a move towards a divorce? You, as his girlfriend, only knows what is happening from what HE tells you.

      I am also wary of any guy who allows his girlfriend to be all involved with this…to allow you to get into a text war with her while he sits beside you. It’s weird, it just is. Stop getting involved and tell him to handle his own affairs. There’s a reason why she is behaving this way after three years. My thinking is that he’s only “tormented” by her when it’s convenient…otherwise he’d much rather give her the silent treatment so she can go nuts. Her behavior seems, to me, very reactionary. Do you live with this guy…and I only ask this because of the patterns I am seeing. Given how she reacts with him (as if they are technically “still” together), during those times that she is fairly quiet, to me, it is more logical to think that he is playing sweet to her then, maybe even being with her, stringing her along at that time, than to think that she is busy with another guy. When suddenly she rages, you gotta wonder if he didn’t suddenly go silent and now she’s pissed which would be normal. There’s something called triangulation and he may just be doing it with her AND you to keep both of you on the hook. Three years and he’s still TERRIFIED? You wanted advice and I’m giving it…you need to sit back and take a good look at this guy’s game.

      Finally, since you have had unfortunate issues in your life, I am grateful that you are in therapy but please don’t make your sessions about what the wife is doing to you. She’s just reacting. You truly shouldn’t even be involved at all…this is about him and her. He should be PROTECTING you from it. You need to think about his story. What guy video chats with his girlfriend but leaves his settings open so that his wife and children can see that he’s chatting and start messaging? Think about that. He’s not getting a divorce and I don’t think he intends to….I hope I’m wrong for your sake but you need to look past all his words, words, stories of “my ex is so awful” and “I’m a victim”, words, words and see what his ACTIONS really are.

      Good luck to you, sister!

      Zari:)

  • Kevin Fichtler

    February 10, 2017 at 12:42 am Reply

    Out of all the evil things my ex-narcissist has done to me, the one thing I have the most trouble with is the alienation of my four kids. Everything else I can learn, grow and heal from. But alienation is the one thing that never goes away. When we started the divorce, she kept my oldest and youngest from me. Most likely telling them untrue things about me to cause them to hate me. In a mediation session with my oldest, he told cousellor and I that his mother told him that for his first Christmas, I said we shouldn’t get him anything. He was so angry about this, even when I denied saying it, and despite this was just heresay from his mother, that was enough for him to hate me. Throughout much of the divorce, my two middle sons stood by me. That is until two years ago. I even told my two sons that my ex would one day create an incident where everyone would end up hating me. Their response… “That will never happen, you’re the best dad ever!”. So all four of my kids have had no contact with me or anyone from my side of the family for coming up to two years. And I am still paying support for kids that want nothing to do with me. This year they will be 18, 19, 20 & 24. Words cannot begin to describe what that feels like. I have done a lot of work trying to heal from this, but it never really goes away.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 13, 2017 at 6:07 pm Reply

      Hi Kevin,

      I am so sorry for your situation! First, I have to ask WHY you are still paying support for adult children??? If you are doing this out of the kindness of your heart…stop immediately. Your legal obligation should be done. You can’t buy their love. Second, I understand that this is very painful but you know that you’ve done nothing wrong. At some point, and who knows when, they WILL see this for what it is. Something will happen that will turn the tides and it will be up to you if you will be there for them. What this woman has done and said relative to the children is unforgivable but it is also unforgivable that four grown adults would still be falling for the ruse. It is what it is and you must move on despite the pain of it all. You have to salvage the rest of your life and you DO deserve to be happy. Hopefully, the two middle sons will come to their senses since they showed support for you during the divorce.

      But the money part really bothers me. You say… And I am still paying support for kids that want nothing to do with me. . I hope you are speaking of the one who is turning 18, right? And as soon as he turns 18, that needs to stop. None of them deserve a dime of your money ever again.

      Stays strong, brother!

      Zari xo

      • how witty

        February 14, 2017 at 10:03 pm Reply

        Parents of adult children can be ordered to pay child support. That can be due to the adult child being a college student, having a disability, or the parent owing back child support. If the parent owes arrears, then they aren’t necessarily paying for the benefit of the child, but paying interest to the state.

        So if a man is cut in half by the court, your advice is for him to just carry on with half of what he’s earned for the rest of his life?

        Is it even worth the risk of being let down to hope that someone who wants nothing to do with you will magically come back into your life for the better?

        I know that some children grow up with a lot of resentment toward a parent who wasn’t there. These kids are really impressionable. Sometimes, when the court and the mother are against you, there’s nothing a guy can do about it. These psycho women will do anything, including poison children with lies, just to keep up the facade that they are the perfect victim. It’s not them that suffers from isolation and/or poverty, but the men who are ripped apart by the lies and fines.

        • Zari Ballard

          February 17, 2017 at 10:49 pm Reply

          Why don’t you reply directly to the person that you are referring to and give them advice…the person who made the post? I understand all about the courts and how some guys get the raw end of the deal as I’ve already explained to you. I also know about arrears because my ex-husband had to pay arrears until my son was 24. So, you are not telling me anything I don’t know. I’m basing my response on HIS story and he doesn’t say anything about being behind. My hope for him is that he be able to continue on with his life…what more can he do when his ex has turned the kids against him?? If you have a better answer, then why waste time critiquing my response? He likely will not see that and therefore it’s non-productive. Respond to him directly by clicking the “Reply” button next to his name and post.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 13, 2017 at 6:08 pm Reply

      Hi Kevin,

      I am so sorry for your situation! First, I have to ask WHY you are still paying support for adult children??? If you are doing this out of the kindness of your heart…stop immediately. Your legal obligation should be done. You can’t buy their love. Second, I understand that this is very painful but you know that you’ve done nothing wrong. At some point, and who knows when, they WILL see this for what it is. Something will happen that will turn the tides and it will be up to you if you will be there for them. What this woman has done and said relative to the children is unforgivable but it is also unforgivable that four grown adults would still be falling for the ruse. It is what it is and you must move on despite the pain of it all. You have to salvage the rest of your life and you DO deserve to be happy. Hopefully, the two middle sons will come to their senses since they showed support for you during the divorce.

      But the money part really bothers me. You say… And I am still paying support for kids that want nothing to do with me. . I hope you are speaking of the one who is turning 18, right? And as soon as he turns 18, that needs to stop. None of them deserve a dime of your money ever again.

      Stay strong, brother!

      Zari xo

      • Kevin Fichtler

        February 13, 2017 at 8:11 pm Reply

        Thanks Zari,

        In response to your comment… Why are you still currently paying support ? No, I am not doing this out of the kindness of my heart.
        I spoke to a lawyer around this time last year. My daughter was still in school at that time.
        He said that since she (not sure if the older boys were in post secondary as we have no contact) was still in school, and not self sustaining, I must continue to pay. She was 17 at that time. He also mentioned that there is a possibility that I may even end up paying more Support. Since I have very limited resources, I chose not to pursue support alteration at that time. I decided to wait until all kids were out of school. I can’t afford to keep going back to court. Her birthday was on July 23, 2016 and turned 18.
        I am now considering going back to see about getting the support order. But have to save to be able to afford a lawyer. I also came across something recently regarding ‘Child terminated access” which may be helpful to me. Thanks again for your help and concern.
        Kevin

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