To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners

male-victim-narcissismMale victims of female narcissistic partners have a harder path to walk (than female victims) on the road to narcissist abuse recovery and here’s how I came to this conclusion:  In making this website, I take great pains in trying to address those topics related to narcissism that weigh the most heavily on the minds of my readers. To do this, I study the analytical data and statistics of the website itself on almost a daily basis. This data provides me with the gender of visitors, the demographics, the keyword search terms that visitors use, and a whole host of additional information. From the very beginning, I noticed something very interesting – and shocking – about the gender of my readers: a good portion were male.  And I’m not talking just a small percentage. I’m talking a percentage big enough that for me not to address the specific issue of male victims of female narcissist abuse would be not only unfair but completely hypocritical.

So, that being said, I’ve written the following personal letter to all male victims who endure narcissist abuse at the hands of a female narcissist…all those males victims that visit numerous websites (including mine) looking for support on the subject of female narcissist partners, narcissist abuse, and narcissist recovery and who typically find nothing that speaks to them.

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Download from Amazon Today!

To Male Victims of Female Narcissist Abusers:

First, let me apologize on behalf of all female victims, website bloggers, and authors of books on narcissism for perhaps the biggest “slap-in-the-face” we send to the male victim of narcissist abuse: the constant referral to the narcissistic partner as he and him. Although I do make a disclaimer as to this reference in my books and have, in fact, written a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) that specifically addresses the female narcissistic partner, it still must be painfully annoying and I’m sorry for that. Now, unfortunately, having said that, it’s doubtful that, at least online, this reference to the male gender will change anytime soon. The fact is that, at least for me, it’s simply easier to refer to all narcissists as he since 1) the majority of victims who speak out on the topic are indeed female and have suffered abuse at the hands of male narcissists, and 2) most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male, and 3) I speak from my own experience as a female victim. So, I hope you can forgive and see past all that when seeking comfort for your own abuse on my website and others. I, for one, can promise you that the reference isn’t personal.

Second, let me say that, after reading through letters and forum posts both on my site and on other sites from male victims, I get the sneaking suspicion that female narcissists, though smaller in number than their male counterparts, might very well be the leaders in the evil department – and there ‘s a logical reason why. Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning, imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be!  Male narcissists (MN), even while tormenting the female victim, still have to worry about maintaining the proper image in the global arena (i.e. outside world).  Female narcissists (FN), on the other hand, are keenly aware that females in general pull in far more sympathy from outsiders than even the most victimized male and so the load for the FN is much lighter. FNs, without the extra workload of having to instantly smooze anyone and everyone who might sympathize with their victim, may very well be naturally inclined to do the more evil of narcissistic deeds – whatever that may be.  Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ” You get my point.  There are other reasons that lend themselves to the fact that female narcissists may be nastier and I promise to address this in future articles. For now, I want you to know that I do “get it”.

I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive. The truth is that I think most female victims feel as I do – that male victims are very isolated in this mess (as a whole) and do not have a whole lot of male-exclusive “victim” clubs to run to for support. Another truth is that, for the most part, female victims know that male narcissists – even though there are millions walking the planet – do not, exclusively, speak for the male population. We want to know that there are good guys out there! We want to know that the male gender can actually experience the heartbreak that we feel – that it’s actually possible. You won’t find female victims accusing you of whining, I’ll guarantee that. At the peak of our suffering, male victims are our only proof we have that good men even exist anymore! So, we want to hear from you! We want you to join the sisterhood!

My point in all of this is that I encourage you – the male victim of a narcissistic partner – to seek support among us. We are here to listen and to help. Narc abuse is unique in its passive-aggressive evilness. We know that you suffer through silent treatments and deliberate acts of chaos and gas lighting and co-dependency and all the types of manipulation that we suffer through. As I said before, we may even be inclined to believe that your specific degree of suffering is a tad worse. As for me, I definitely acknowledge the credit you deserve for putting up with the inevitable reference to narcissists as male because that is unlikely to change. This must always be a point of contention and the fact that male victims, for lack of a better place to go, even dare to brave the all-female forums to share your grief is admirable. Understand that female victims appreciate this fact and will recognize your sincerity.

To everyone, with the pain of a narcissistic discard often so indescribable that we feel nothing but isolation, all victims – male and female – are welcome on this website. Together, we can spread the word about narcissism, lighten the burden for victims who follow us, and hopefully get a handle on the madness.

Your friend,

Zari

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245 Comments

  • Grounded

    December 17, 2015 at 3:33 pm Reply

    Zari:
    It is nice to finally see someone siding with the men of Narcissistic abuse, rather than making the man out the be the villain all the time.
    I spent a year a marriage with a Narcissist, who I have been separated from for almost 4 weeks now. She was able to suck me in very quickly out of my emotional loneliness after nine years divorced from my first wife, who also was a Narcissist and unfaithful in the marriage.
    My current wife has used her words to tear me down over and over again. the abuse just kept getting worse every day. She is a textbook narcissist in every way.
    One moment she would rip my heart out with her words and within minutes act as though nothing happened.
    The only time she would really treat me nice is when she needed to be pleased sexually some times this would last for a few days until she was content with the pleasure she received and right back to tearing me down again. Sometime the disrespect would come as soon as we were done having sex. Other times she would act out against me during the act of sex.
    I have addressed her many times on how she treats me only to be made out to be the bad guy and that I was the evil one because I would get upset with her.
    She pushed and pushed and repeated things about my dad (someone who she never knew, never met) I myself know nothing about my dad. He died when I was a year and a half old. She said things a number of times about him and one day really pushed at me with her words and what she said about my dad and wouldn’t stop until I lost it and slapped her upside the head. I messed up by striking her, but she never took any action other than her words against me for it and kept bringing it up again and again that I slapped her causing her pain.
    I made the mistake in the beginning of the relationship by sharing things with her about my past, only to have those things used against me.
    She did what she need to keep me in the relationship until I confronted her on how she was treating me by asking her why she felt the need to do what she was doing. (addressing her very specifically on things). I never received an answer from her other than accusing me of being unloving, uncaring, having no compassion for her.
    Many times I would try to give her what she desired in love, care, compassion, you name it, only to be pushed away or she would withdraw from me.
    I am struggling right now to move beyond the pain, and once again loneliness.
    Thank you for your article. I look forward to exploring more of your site.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 26, 2015 at 12:25 am Reply

      Hi Grounded,

      Thank you for writing and I’m grateful you found your way to my website. I’m sorry that your going through this and I hope that you find your way to peace sometime soon. One step at a time…one day at a time. It’s all you can do. Female narcissists are the worst of the worst and I wouldn’t trade places with you for three seconds. I wrote a book (downloadable from Amazon) about the female narc called When Evil Is a Pretty Face and it would probably bring you a whole lot of clarity. The more you know about what you’ve been dealing with, the easier it will be to distance yourself from her evil ways. Even though I never condone physical altercations of any kind, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that it was her INTENTION to drive you to do it and I would have probably done the exact same thing. Don’t feel guilty at all and just move on.

      Stays strong, brother, and I’m here to support you. Recovery is a team effort!

      Zari xo

  • Rob

    November 18, 2015 at 4:26 pm Reply

    I was in a marriage for 10 years with a female narcissist.as I’ve always been a very kind helpful loving person it seems to me that she played on that take full advantage of molding me in to what she wanted me to be taking me away from my family and friends also having three gorgeous little girls of 7 6 and 4. she left the marital home and left me to look after the girls and run a business on my own and she was messing around behind my back as I use to question her more and stop doing things for her that’s why I believe y she went off with somebody else.or was i just a crap husband .her words to me were I should have never had children and never got married and also had a career she used to always say to me that I used to imagine things I just started to notice which of course is a sign of narcissism.she’s now joining the RAF and funny enough for new bloke is also in the RAF she used to spend loads of time with him and completely ditch the children and see them for 72 hours a month . I’m getting at the moment is if I don’t basically do as I’m told and be controlled by her as always she threatened to take the children off me and what she does is she keeps saying that I used to abuse her and beat her up this is what I’m worried about as ive never done anything like this ever I never would don’t know there’s any advice out there for me for help. I’ve had the children live with me now fir Aprox 6 mouths on my own. She still makes me feel that I never done anything for her and was a crap husband I was always jealous .it Brings Me Down because I believe what I done for her was alot of stuff I always use to come home break times cook hoover clean do everything tea and toast in bed every morning all the things I thought husband to do even tho she was a house wife and I had to do 8-12 hour days some times .every thing had to be done her way too i could never be right .hope this makes sense as I’m not very good at writing this stuff.

  • Yves

    November 18, 2015 at 3:53 pm Reply

    Thank you for addressing this problem, I have experienced a female narcissist, just at the end of an 11months divorce, still awaiting the judge decision, I adopted her biological daughter, and I am going broke trying to save her from her narcissist mother, with the help of my family in law, that has now pretty much adopted me…lol…..it is very difficult, exposing her started an all out war, she has tried everything she could to destroy me, I am still standing strong, because my little girl needs me, I search the net all the time, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around what has happened, I am just in survival mode for my 6 year old daughter, I hope one day I will be able to resurface from this.

    Yves.

  • travis

    November 4, 2015 at 1:44 am Reply

    In the thick of it right now. Going through an ugly divorce and two littl kids involved. Been stay at home dad for 6 months then she takes all my money and leaves me on my birthday for a man she been cheating on me behind my back sense the day we met….now shes playing victem in court and ive been selling everthing i own to take care of our kids…..shes got a dv. Lawyer who buys her lies now to. Anmy kids havent seen her in 6 months. Nor has she sent us a dime! Mans worst night meres all come true.

    • Topper

      November 14, 2015 at 11:33 pm Reply

      Zari and other guys like me,

      Ok guys, here’s the deal. You are not alone. It’s NOT you. All we are is fuel. They will never be happy, they can’t , but we can and we should. Their make up is so deep they just think it is normal for them to take.

      The fact that we are here as men talking about ours feelings, like hurt, pain, agony, is the very first step to take. Our life is far to short to waste our precious time trying to please them, when I promise you, they just don’t give a shit about us. Getting professional help is healthy for you. Go get some. Make sure they are of American Heritage. This is an American family issue. People of another country or culture have no clue.

      In time you will be able to spot them like a flashing red light…..just don’t stop…..run the other direction or you will loose big time. I am getting help, courtesy of the V.A. Free. Now, after almost fifty long years of turmoil, I know now it is not me. The monkey is now off my back and I have a chain around his neck running around with a cup collecting tips while I play my accordion. In my minds eye ……that is how I feel. the help you will be getting is nothing different than taking a class for something. It is an education you must have. So make it a positive thing, like a new adventure.

      You will find just how transparent they are. You will find just how weak they are. They can be toys, but that is a very bad thing for you. Be a gracious winner and be happy.

      Remember, they need us for fuel. We do not need them. The best revenge is quiet success.

      Get well, be happy, GOD bless America.

      Topper

      • Zari Ballard

        November 15, 2015 at 1:32 pm Reply

        Topper wrote…You will find just how transparent they are. You will find just how weak they are. They can be toys, but that is a very bad thing for you. Be a gracious winner and be happy. Remember, they need us for fuel. We do not need them. The best revenge is quiet success. Well said and you’re comment on “quiet success” just inspired me for my next article.

        Thank you for sharing &, yes, God Bless America, Topper!

        Zari xo

  • James

    October 18, 2015 at 5:50 pm Reply

    Hey zari,

    So many of these stories have reminded me of my situation. I met a girl back in May. She was beautiful, funny, smart, and down to earth (or so I thought lol). She was new in town and didn’t know many people. I met her through friends and we hit it off really well. Like REALLY well… Too well. I was almost a little intimidated at first, but kept my cool and took her on an awesome first date. We had sex, which was great, then it went from 0 to 100 real quick. Next date I met her kids and she gave me a key to her house. She’d shower me with texts, calls, attention, affection, sex, you name it. It was really intense all at once. I even thought this was kinda weird, but told myself I was just being parinod. Plus she was hot and I really liked her. She told me things like, “I want you over all the time” .. “I never liked someone so much so fast” . I mean, she went well out of her way to win me over. Plus she makes around 100k a year, so she had resources to take the love bombing extremely far. As this was happening, I noticed more often she would she would put down her friends, co-workers, family members, ect. She has 2 kids from 2 fathers, who she acted like she didn’t like, but had a pretty suspect relationship with them (this became more clear at the end)… Obviously I caught feelings and fell in love with her. It was like she was everything I wanted in a girl.. Well maybe not the baby dad drama, but she sold herself pretty well that I was able to get past it. Anyways, this went on for about 3 months until one day she pulled back on almost everything she was doing. Out of the blue, she became cold, distant, and very critical. All of a sudden, I go from the “perfect” guy to someone who can’t do anything right. She started stonewalling and throwing tantrums like a child. I knew something was off. When I tried calling her out on this, it made it worse. It’s like she couldn’t take any kind of criticism at all. She accused me of being needy and clingy, when I was asking about her behavior. And what’s really messed up is that all the expectations of texting, calling, touching, and seeing each other we set early in the relationship by HER. She ended up saying she didn’t want to break up, but she wouldn’t have as much time to hang out because she had “a lot going on.” I quickly learned this meant she wasn’t going to make an effort anymore. I told her that wouldn’t work. She said I couldn’t handle someone with responsibles lol. Then she never spoke to me again. It was rough after. How could someone go from the “perfect girl”, and going out of their way to make you feel awesome.. To just bouncing on you and acting like it was nothing . I eventually learned about the idealize, devalue, and discard phases of a narcissistic relationship. That put everything together for me.

    • Zari Ballard

      October 25, 2015 at 12:08 am Reply

      Hi James,

      Well, I sure recognize this story! I had to laugh when I saw it given the fact that you booked a phone consult and we had the phone consult in the time that it took for me to get to this particular date of posts. I think I need to work on that response time! LOL I’m grateful that we had the opportunity to speak together or else you’d be still waiting for a reply!!

      All that being said, you’re an awesome dude and she’s just an evil narcissistic bitch. Like I’ve always said, the female version of the narcissist is the epitome of a wolf in sheep’s clothing…and far worse than a male narcissist could ever be. YOU are going to be just fine…chalk it up to another of those life lessons that make us go hmmmmmmm.

      Stay strong & be happy, JAMES!!! I’m here if you need me…

      Zari xo

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