Male victims of female narcissistic partners have a harder path to walk (than female victims) on the road to narcissist abuse recovery and here’s how I came to this conclusion: In making this website, I take great pains in trying to address those topics related to narcissism that weigh the most heavily on the minds of my readers. To do this, I study the analytical data and statistics of the website itself on almost a daily basis. This data provides me with the gender of visitors, the demographics, the keyword search terms that visitors use, and a whole host of additional information. From the very beginning, I noticed something very interesting – and shocking – about the gender of my readers: a good portion were male. And I’m not talking just a small percentage. I’m talking a percentage big enough that for me not to address the specific issue of male victims of female narcissist abuse would be not only unfair but completely hypocritical.
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So, that being said, I’ve written the following personal letter to all male victims who endure narcissist abuse at the hands of a female narcissist…all those males victims that visit numerous websites (including mine) looking for support on the subject of female narcissist partners, narcissist abuse, and narcissist recovery and who typically find nothing that speaks to them.
To Male Victims of Female Narcissist Abusers:
First, let me apologize on behalf of all female victims, website bloggers, and authors of books on narcissism for perhaps the biggest “slap-in-the-face” we send to the male victim of narcissist abuse: the constant referral to the narcissistic partner as he and him. Although I do make a disclaimer as to this reference in my books and have, in fact, written a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) that specifically addresses the female narcissistic partner, it still must be painfully annoying and I’m sorry for that. Now, unfortunately, having said that, it’s doubtful that, at least online, this reference to the male gender will change anytime soon. The fact is that, at least for me, it’s simply easier to refer to all narcissists as he since 1) the majority of victims who speak out on the topic are indeed female and have suffered abuse at the hands of male narcissists, and 2) most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male, and 3) I speak from my own experience as a female victim. So, I hope you can forgive and see past all that when seeking comfort for your own abuse on my website and others. I, for one, can promise you that the reference isn’t personal.
Second, let me say that, after reading through letters and forum posts both on my site and on other sites from male victims, I get the sneaking suspicion that female narcissists, though smaller in number than their male counterparts, might very well be the leaders in the evil department – and there ‘s a logical reason why. Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning, imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be! Male narcissists (MN), even while tormenting the female victim, still have to worry about maintaining the proper image in the global arena (i.e. outside world). Female narcissists (FN), on the other hand, are keenly aware that females in general pull in far more sympathy from outsiders than even the most victimized male and so the load for the FN is much lighter. FNs, without the extra workload of having to instantly smooze anyone and everyone who might sympathize with their victim, may very well be naturally inclined to do the more evil of narcissistic deeds – whatever that may be. Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ” You get my point. There are other reasons that lend themselves to the fact that female narcissists may be nastier and I promise to address this in future articles. For now, I want you to know that I do “get it”.
I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive. The truth is that I think most female victims feel as I do – that male victims are very isolated in this mess (as a whole) and do not have a whole lot of male-exclusive “victim” clubs to run to for support. Another truth is that, for the most part, female victims know that male narcissists – even though there are millions walking the planet – do not, exclusively, speak for the male population. We want to know that there are good guys out there! We want to know that the male gender can actually experience the heartbreak that we feel – that it’s actually possible. You won’t find female victims accusing you of whining, I’ll guarantee that. At the peak of our suffering, male victims are our only proof we have that good men even exist anymore! So, we want to hear from you! We want you to join the sisterhood!
My point in all of this is that I encourage you – the male victim of a narcissistic partner – to seek support among us. We are here to listen and to help. Narc abuse is unique in its passive-aggressive evilness. We know that you suffer through silent treatments and deliberate acts of chaos and gas lighting and co-dependency and all the types of manipulation that we suffer through. As I said before, we may even be inclined to believe that your specific degree of suffering is a tad worse. As for me, I definitely acknowledge the credit you deserve for putting up with the inevitable reference to narcissists as male because that is unlikely to change. This must always be a point of contention and the fact that male victims, for lack of a better place to go, even dare to brave the all-female forums to share your grief is admirable. Understand that female victims appreciate this fact and will recognize your sincerity.
To everyone, with the pain of a narcissistic discard often so indescribable that we feel nothing but isolation, all victims – male and female – are welcome on this website. Together, we can spread the word about narcissism, lighten the burden for victims who follow us, and hopefully get a handle on the madness.
Your friend,
Zari
Todd
April 21, 2018 at 2:30 amI was in a long distance relationship with a female narcissist. Off and on relationship, for 3 years. She would use the silent treatment to demoralze me, make me feel it was all my fault. She would break up with an ugly text multiple times if things were not going her way, then want to get back together and say it was all my fault but she loved me and wanted to work it out. The last time,the straw that broke the camel’s back, was when she ignored me for 6weeks because I couldn’t wire her money for an upcoming business trip/vacation. We lived 120 miles apart. I begged for her to engage in conversation, to talk to me, but her responses were short and curt. She said she was too busy. Never let me know how the vacation was, when she got back, nothing. She finally told me through an ugly text that her silence was her breakupp, that she didn’t want to continue on with our relationship, adios. This was just one month after we were looking at houses together, and she suggesting we get married, to me and my two daughters. We were also looking for a new car for her, in which I was to help with the down payment and co sign for her due to her poor credit. About 2 weeks after she broke up with me, she starts calling me and texting me multiple times a day, as if nothing happened. I saved her ugly text, and sent it back to her. She just laughed and said she was just busy and she had time for me now. I lied to her and sent her a picture of a pretty girl I knew only from Facebook. I just started talking to her on FB, but we never even met. I told her that all the time she was ignoring me I met this beautiful woman and was going to be introduced to her family that upcoming weekend. She went on a jealous rant and texted me pictures of her and her other guy hugging on each other, screen shots of their flirting text messages to each other, she was doing even at the present time she was trying to get back to me.this was the guy she went to see on her “vacation’ in which she said she needed me to wire her money. She told me how much she loved him , would do anything for him, and had “3 times bigger dick” than me. She called again few days later and blamed me for her silence treatment. She always accused me of cheating, always going through my phone. Even made me take selfies when I went grocery shopping late at night to prove I was telling the truth ( I work shift work at my job so I shop late at night) I had to have the food isle in the background of the pictures to prove to her I was shopping! All this time doing this to prove myself, and she had another guy.. she tried to get back with me, but I won’t, and am doing well. My biggest struggle is letting go of my anger towards her. But then I feel guilty for being angry, but this is becoming less and less as time goes on. I seeked therapy for about 2 months and it helped.
Zari Ballard
June 7, 2018 at 2:34 pmHi Todd, I am so sorry this happened to you and I hope you have kept up the strength to stay away. No one deserves that. In time, the anger will fade so do not worry about that. The anger will go away on it’s own in due time and when the time is right. At this point in time, the anger is your friend because it allows you to see her for what she really is.
Zari:)
Sara Singleton
April 16, 2018 at 9:11 pmAs a woman, I am appalled that you are perpetuating one of the worst sexist stereotypes about women.
“Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning…”?!
(cunning meaning having or showing skill in achieving one’s ends by deceit or evasion, devious)
Your article states that the “logical reason” female narcissists are worse than narcissist men is because since we’re all already so devious and deceitful, “imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be!”
“Female narcs are the worst of the worst,” as in we women are already so lowly, that a female narc is even lower.
How insulting to honest, decent women. And yes, there actually are some, believe it or not.
These statements are even worse than the incorrect one made by a man I know, “Women can’t be friends.” We’re not all catty and cunning, ya know.
Zari Ballard
April 23, 2018 at 6:07 pmHi Sara,
Thank you for writing in – I appreciate the feedback. First, let me say that I am not perpetuating anything, sexist or otherwise. I am simply telling it like it is. You happened across the one article that I have written to comfort the male narcissist abuse victim and, therefore, you are basing your presumption of how I see the world on about 200 written words. My books and 99% of the articles written here are all about the male narcissist and, believe me, I don’t have a whole lot of good things to say about him either. I re-read my article and while I can see how you might view my reference to women being “cunning” as sexist, this can only happen if you skew the true definition of the word which, according to Merriam-Webster, means “to be dexterous or crafty in the use of special resources (such as skill or knowledge) in attaining an end”. Maybe you deny the fact that there are certain types of women (and men) who will use their innate ability to behave in gender-specific ways to get what they want at the expense of others AND that these behaviors are almost always not conducive to being in a relationship. I’ve been on this planet long enough to know that women will be women and men will be men and I’ve known the best of both and the worst of both. I didn’t even use the word “catty” and I find it interesting that YOU would given your aversion to those kinds of stereotypical descriptions so I kinda think that makes us even…lol.
The people that I speak of in my books and articles are NARCISSISTS and, yes, these types of people turn the normal qualities of men and women into tools to do harm to others. Although I obviously coach more women abuse victims than I do the men, this is because men tend to keep the pain to themselves. Society has made it this way. When men do finally call me for help, they are gobsmacked themselves, never having dealt with a female who can be so scandalous. Without fail, the female narcs I hear about are drop dead gorgeous and they use this to bring these guys to their knees. Female narcs will use their “feminine” qualities in very narcissistic ways and they will stop at nothing to get what they want. I’m sorry but the beautiful female narc, as a whole, has a much better chance at getting away with things than the average male narcissist. Whether you like it or not, society STILL gravitates and tends to sympathize with a sob story told by a beautiful woman even when that story is a crock of shit. I hear it day in and day out. Now, does this make me have a general negative opinion of one sex over the other? No, of course not. The majority of narcs, sociopaths, and psychopaths are MEN and that is the fact as well. The female narc that doesn’t give a shit about destroying her family and anyone else in her path to get what she wants is and will always be the minority but this doesn’t lessen her ability to be evil. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I’d go so far as to say that the minority status may change as well because I see a generation of female millennials being groomed toward narcissism under the false pretense of oppression and this is a recipe for disaster. It’s all as simple as it is complicated and you can read into my words what you will. The truth is that I speak of a certain type of woman and a certain type of man – the narcissist – and there’s nothing nice about either one. The minority (female narcs) are smaller in number but bigger in accomplishment BECAUSE they actually think it’s okay to use their own stereotype to overtly abuse others. The male narc is bigger in number but simply can’t top this. He will always have to abuse covertly because even a narc knows that society has always frowned upon the guy who is an asshole. So, he lies and deceives and people buy into it. The result is that narcissists and sociopaths run the planet and ruin relationships. It’s an epidemic.
As for the guy you know who says “women can’t be friends”, he is probably a narcissist so his words hold no meaning anyway. Pay no attention. Of course guys and girls can be friends. This is the way it is supposed to be and I, for one, enjoy plenty of mutual friendships with both sexes. I’ve stopped getting upset or “appalled” over what people think or say anymore. We can’t control the behaviors of others…we can only control our reactions to it and we can make ourselves nuts trying to convince others to see it our way. We have to ask ourselves….would I rather be happy or would I rather be right? Personally, I’d rather be happy but if you had asked me that just eight years ago, I’d have probably given you a different answer. We live and learn. My job here is to help both women and men find their way out of the darkness and in order to do this I have to understand the workings of both sides. It’s not easy but the results are amazing rewarding and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Again, thanks for writing in, Sara, and please feel free to do so any time.
Regards,
Zari
Greg
April 14, 2018 at 11:21 pmYour pronouns still hurt.
Zari Ballard
April 23, 2018 at 6:15 pmWell, Greg, there’s not much I can do about it since I write based on my experience with a narcissistic boyfriend. However, I do try. I did write a book specifically for the guys and it probably would help to offset the pain of those nasty pronouns:)…xo
Larry Abruzzo
April 10, 2018 at 7:50 amIn regards to my FN, evil, pure evil and your right about them smelling like a rose, Her flying monkeys always there to hear her out and tell her how awesome she is….made me sick to my stomach. It’s been a little over two years and I’m finally starting to feel free of her in my head…FINALLY!!
Thank you for your help, believe me reading on here helped so much, I wasn’t alone or crazy…L.A.
Zari Ballard
April 23, 2018 at 6:16 pmNo, you’re not crazy, Larry! And you are definitely NOT alone:)…xo
Justin Kitto
April 8, 2018 at 2:02 pmWow! I’m elated that SOMEONE recognizes that female narcissists exist! All I can say is Thank you! After over 2 years, I still haven’t recovered…but I’m healing slowly. Thank you for speaking the truth!
Zari Ballard
April 9, 2018 at 2:19 amHi Justin,
Your welcome and thank you for stopping by. Female narcs are the worst of the worst and the guys they treat like shit are the best of the best. I know this because they call me for help:) If women that I speak with want to know where the good guys are, I always tell them, “They’re with the female narcs!” So, focus on your recovery and get back out there.
Zari xo
SB
April 8, 2018 at 10:31 amThank you for what you do Zari. I have just found you and this place already feels safe. I am going to jail. I have about fourteen no contact order violations and am struggling to keep the number there. My Covert Narcissist has a father who is a lawyer and with a single set of well placed lies has taken my two year old son and my whole life to XXXXXXXXXX. I think about them every day.
We were happy. I had caught her cheating several times over the course of our seven years together but had tried to forgive her. She is 18 years younger than I after all. I did not expect that she could or would be completely mature at 21 when we met. At 29 however with our first child CXXX a year old and me struggling to find work her parents who are a successful couple on the island who were never able to have children of their own and therefore adopted two girls offered to let her and our son move back to VXXXX with them. The invite was not extended to me. She told me about this and I told her it was ok if she wanted to go temporarily until I got a handle on things. U reasoned that there was no sense in making life so hard on us all when it could just be hard on me and that should prove to be a solid motivating force to get things accomplished. What I didn’t know was that she was intending for the move to be permanent and that she was going to provide her parents with the child they were never able to have themselves. She told our neighbor and friends that this life was too hard for her and that she knew she was a spoiled little rich kid and that she was going to move back home. She had a very large problem though. The invite was ostensibly made to provide for CXXX’s best interests so he obviously had to go but she dared not risk any kind of custody battle with me over him due to her methamphetamine habit and the positive test for it that she had at his birth. She knew she would lose. She therefore concocted a plan to get us into an argument and call the police and assert that she was a domestic violence victim. She executed her plan and even though the police showed up and determined there was no one injured and no crime and therefore no charges were filed she and her father were able to get a protection order with a bunch of written in addendums attached to it granted by a pro tem judge on a day where I had no attorney and had petitioned for a continuance. Apparently the judge had only read the complaint and had decided I must be some horrible wife and child beating monstrosity and was determined to put a stop to my rampage. I have since tried to do as instructed but all that means is I cannot see my son. I have seen him only twice since August. I cannot even begin to conveigh the depth of sorrow that a parent feels when their child with whom they have a special and unique relationship after three months apart looks at them without any recognition whatsoever. It absolutely devastated me. I am now stuck. She has denied me and my whole family visitation of any kind since the order was approved and every email I send asking after my son is two violations. I am at my wits end and completely outmatched. During this whole ordeal I have had to watch as she cultivates sympathy from everyone for the ordeal she has been through. It has made me sick and has completely destroyed my faith in our legal system. On the basis of a mere accusation I have been handed consequence without due process all in the name of trying to emphasize dv crime across the nation. I can’t begin to tell you how alone I feel. I can’t even decry her without the dv stigma attaching to me and she certainly doesn’t have to deal with even hearing about the pain she is causing because I am not even allowed to voice it to her. Where is there justice?
Zari Ballard
April 9, 2018 at 3:25 amOh SB, that is such a tragic story:( I am so sorry, brother. Do you know for sure you are going to jail??? It sounds to me like you became lost in a very broken WXXXXX judicial system because I do know of cases where the dad was able to either get the kids from the narc mom and/or share custody. It was my understanding that courts were starting to see through this but your story tells me it may be going backwards in some places. I fear that this entire nation and every court system – especially the system involving child services – is filled with corruption. The key to your case, of course, was her daddy the attorney. Without that scam in place, I’m sure you would have had a chance. There has to be something you can do since some time has passed. Are you really going to jail? Because of the violations?? Maybe this would be the time to write a letter to a judge or point of contact in child services? I used to write letters for people as part of my freelancing and I’ve written many for people going to court for different things and even for those going to prison in hopes of getting lighter sentences and they’ve always worked. With the court system, I find that letters…anything in WRITING works best because it forces the other side to put their LIES in writing as an answer and no one ever wants to do that. Judges love letters. You can’t give up because the truth is that you didn’t get due process at all. How can they just say you can never see your son? They can’t do that. Were your parental rights severed? Do you pay court ordered child support?
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I’m sure it seems so out of your hands but you really do have truth on your side. Your story makes me very sad. Write back if you can…..there has to be a way…
Zari xo
P.S. For your privacy, I’ve changed your name to just your initials, XXX’d out your place of residence, and changed the name of your son to just C. I think it’s best that way in your situation.
Shannon
April 9, 2018 at 5:10 pmHi Zari,
You have surmised correctly that it is repeated violations of the protection order that are likely to have me wind up jailed. I had several conversations with Rebecca ( my ex Narc) in which I tried to make extra clear that if she pushed this all the way I would have no choice but to defend myself and present not only a true accounting of the incident that either spawned her jumping off point or more likely was designed and executed for exactly that purpose. She had friends coming down to visit the night before the incident and before they arrived she texted me a message saying and I quote ” If you do anything to embarrass me while they are here I will call CPS and the police and have you removed.” Less than 20 hours later after she had been out drinking with those same friends while I watched our beautiful little 1 year old boy, coming home only after I told her I was going to lock the door at midnight, being so drunk that the whole place reeked like booze the next morning, sleeping it off until 1030 the next morning and then getting up only to initiate our final fight, she got around to fulfilling her promise. I knew she was likely to be pretty hung over so when I heard the pitter patter of little feet at 6am I got up with Caleb. I also knew that letting her sleep in just might maybe tip her attitude positive enough that we could recover the ground we had lost the day before. I actually recorded myself going in and asking her if we could just try to get over yesterday and have a good today. Her reply “I don’t think so.”
Zari the whole setup was brilliant. She initiated an argument and escalated it into throwing my stuff around and as soon as I did the same came the raging demon down the hall with a wrought iron spike in her hand threatening to stab me with it. After throwing a full pot of hot coffee on me and a kitchen chair at me I found myself in close quarters with her as she was trying to grab for my you know whats and was forced to physically stop her. The cops were called and I left. I had already had this experience with her two or three times before and I had no desire to sit in jail for her for another weekend because there was no way I was sending the mother of my son to jail. I couldn’t have lived with myself. I love her. While I was gone the cops showed up and took her statement and since she was not injured they left. She then called her sister and her Dad and apparently they came and got her and her things. For the next few weeks we talked at length about what had happened and what things I needed to accomplish to make that happen. She was also unbeknownst to me writing to and soliciting sex online on the island via fetlife and had made the acquaintance and more of a couple living on the island with whom she has been fucking ever since. Only after I had seen her fetlife page and the “post play” pics she had posted as well as an article she wrote titled “Discretion is the Better Part of Sluttiness” did the entirety of the picture finally become clear. My worst fears were then verified by our erstwhile neighbor and her meth dealer who was out on the island visiting her when she announced to him how amazing her sex life had now become. She could have any and everything she wanted and had already been to several fetish parties wherein she fucked everything in sight. In our former neighbor’s exact words to a mutual friend ” Poor Shannon. He is fucked.”
It was at this point that I began contemplating actually filing a complaint with CPS or trying to exert my rights as Caleb’s father but the addendums written into the protection order forbade me any contact until I had undergone Domestic Violence treatment. I was stuck. Without ever having a trial, without charges ever having been filed I was locked out of even filing for a court ordered parenting plan because no matter the outcome I could not be near any of them. I have gone slowly insane trying to plead, cajole, bribe, sweet talk and just plaun reason with her as well as her parents all to no effect except to rack up violations of the order. Zari I am literally at my wits end. My mother and sister who both also had relationships with Caleb independent of his mother and I have since the order was signed been forbidden any access to him as well. He is just a pawn in her game or worse he was just the price she paid her parents for room, board, and cable.
Zari Ballard
April 23, 2018 at 7:01 pmHi Shannon,
I know it takes me so long to get back to everyone and I am so sorry for that. Thank you for all of the information. You have painted a much clearer picture. I’m afraid I don’t have a magic answer, though, and I wish that I did. This girl is HORRIBLE and she does have you over a barrel. It’s outrageous that ADDENDUMS in a protection order can demand that you get DV treatment given that there were no charges filed (the cops left, right? Because she was not injured?)! I mean, our system here is bad but that is worse! I’m almost thinking that you should call her bluff by going through with those classes just so you can move forward with paperwork or CPS or visitation or SOMETHING. I bet they would not be expecting that and, in fact, put it in the paperwork as a roadblock for that very reason. Once enrolled in treatment, I would be making it known to all that would listen that going to treatment is not an admittance of guilt to anything and, in fact, no charges were ever filed and that you are doing it only so you can make another step. You might be able to get more information on how this works. Then, once completed, you start making your case for everything else whether it would be CPS or visitation or the parenting plan. What you really need is a good lawyer but I know that isn’t always possible. However, if everything you say is true, then you have been unjustly accused and unjustly restricted from your own child. Meanwhile, he is being raised by an awful abomination of a mother who isn’t fit for anything.
Think about that treatment and give me your thoughts….
Zari:)
2 times tired
April 8, 2018 at 6:56 amWas married to a N for 13 years. With the affair she had an the ability to turn it all on me I became a total mess the last 2 years of our marriage. I remember the days of just complete survival mode. I was trying to work, be a father to my 2 daughters, and still try to be a husband to someone who had no concern whatsoever for how I was feeling. N’s have no empathy at all. My divorce from the N took over 2 years and she attacked me with everything she had to ruin me from her guilt of what she had done. It’s so hard to even begin to explain these events to someone.
Then after being single for 2 years a long time friend set me up with her niece who was divorced and had 2 kids. We hit it off right away. Our interests were the same and after 8 months I thought I met the one. Then the mask came off. Started with periods of rage. She would scream at me for no reason. In an effort to sit down and work through the problem I would get the silent treatment. Was told by the N that she doesn’t like conflict. In 1 year she couldn’t connect emotionally with my girls and her kids absolutely loved me. I actually disciplined them with love. Something they were clearly not getting from their N mother. Then came the friend card. She would refer to me in public and to only her family as me being her friend. So in my head I’m feeling like we are living this double life and questioning her love for me. But I can’t talk to her about it. She listens but with absolutely no response. Then the next week she ignores me and sends a text at the end of the week saying “love you miss you”. We connect and I find out the she needs something from me. This cycle of abuse and being used continues for 4 months. Everyone in my life is telling me this woman isn’t right for me. My best friend stated- “You’re great for her and her life but she is not great for yours”. The sad things is at one point she was and was really trying to be. But when the mask came off the devaluing started and never stopped. I’m DONE!! My girls couldn’t be happier.
I know their are great woman out there I’m just loosing confidence in finding one that doesn’t use me. Are there connections we can make on this site?