Male victims of female narcissistic partners have a harder path to walk (than female victims) on the road to narcissist abuse recovery and here’s how I came to this conclusion: In making this website, I take great pains in trying to address those topics related to narcissism that weigh the most heavily on the minds of my readers. To do this, I study the analytical data and statistics of the website itself on almost a daily basis. This data provides me with the gender of visitors, the demographics, the keyword search terms that visitors use, and a whole host of additional information. From the very beginning, I noticed something very interesting – and shocking – about the gender of my readers: a good portion were male. And I’m not talking just a small percentage. I’m talking a percentage big enough that for me not to address the specific issue of male victims of female narcissist abuse would be not only unfair but completely hypocritical.
Zari’s on YouTube – Subscribe Today!
So, that being said, I’ve written the following personal letter to all male victims who endure narcissist abuse at the hands of a female narcissist…all those males victims that visit numerous websites (including mine) looking for support on the subject of female narcissist partners, narcissist abuse, and narcissist recovery and who typically find nothing that speaks to them.
To Male Victims of Female Narcissist Abusers:
First, let me apologize on behalf of all female victims, website bloggers, and authors of books on narcissism for perhaps the biggest “slap-in-the-face” we send to the male victim of narcissist abuse: the constant referral to the narcissistic partner as he and him. Although I do make a disclaimer as to this reference in my books and have, in fact, written a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) that specifically addresses the female narcissistic partner, it still must be painfully annoying and I’m sorry for that. Now, unfortunately, having said that, it’s doubtful that, at least online, this reference to the male gender will change anytime soon. The fact is that, at least for me, it’s simply easier to refer to all narcissists as he since 1) the majority of victims who speak out on the topic are indeed female and have suffered abuse at the hands of male narcissists, and 2) most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male, and 3) I speak from my own experience as a female victim. So, I hope you can forgive and see past all that when seeking comfort for your own abuse on my website and others. I, for one, can promise you that the reference isn’t personal.
Second, let me say that, after reading through letters and forum posts both on my site and on other sites from male victims, I get the sneaking suspicion that female narcissists, though smaller in number than their male counterparts, might very well be the leaders in the evil department – and there ‘s a logical reason why. Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning, imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be! Male narcissists (MN), even while tormenting the female victim, still have to worry about maintaining the proper image in the global arena (i.e. outside world). Female narcissists (FN), on the other hand, are keenly aware that females in general pull in far more sympathy from outsiders than even the most victimized male and so the load for the FN is much lighter. FNs, without the extra workload of having to instantly smooze anyone and everyone who might sympathize with their victim, may very well be naturally inclined to do the more evil of narcissistic deeds – whatever that may be. Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ” You get my point. There are other reasons that lend themselves to the fact that female narcissists may be nastier and I promise to address this in future articles. For now, I want you to know that I do “get it”.
I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive. The truth is that I think most female victims feel as I do – that male victims are very isolated in this mess (as a whole) and do not have a whole lot of male-exclusive “victim” clubs to run to for support. Another truth is that, for the most part, female victims know that male narcissists – even though there are millions walking the planet – do not, exclusively, speak for the male population. We want to know that there are good guys out there! We want to know that the male gender can actually experience the heartbreak that we feel – that it’s actually possible. You won’t find female victims accusing you of whining, I’ll guarantee that. At the peak of our suffering, male victims are our only proof we have that good men even exist anymore! So, we want to hear from you! We want you to join the sisterhood!
My point in all of this is that I encourage you – the male victim of a narcissistic partner – to seek support among us. We are here to listen and to help. Narc abuse is unique in its passive-aggressive evilness. We know that you suffer through silent treatments and deliberate acts of chaos and gas lighting and co-dependency and all the types of manipulation that we suffer through. As I said before, we may even be inclined to believe that your specific degree of suffering is a tad worse. As for me, I definitely acknowledge the credit you deserve for putting up with the inevitable reference to narcissists as male because that is unlikely to change. This must always be a point of contention and the fact that male victims, for lack of a better place to go, even dare to brave the all-female forums to share your grief is admirable. Understand that female victims appreciate this fact and will recognize your sincerity.
To everyone, with the pain of a narcissistic discard often so indescribable that we feel nothing but isolation, all victims – male and female – are welcome on this website. Together, we can spread the word about narcissism, lighten the burden for victims who follow us, and hopefully get a handle on the madness.
Your friend,
Zari
Maxie
May 12, 2015 at 9:46 pmHi Zari—I posted a similar comment in response to another one of your articles, but I think this is a better home for it. I believe that female narcissists can be more evil than their male counter parts due to several factors but most importantly, having a better hand at playing the “sympathy card”. And, since they’ve began honing their skills from a very early age, by the time they get to you you’re literally in the ring with the heavy weight champion of emotional abusers and you don’t stand a ghost of a chance. I was intensely loved bombed by this predator at a party within a few minutes of meeting her. She literally came out of nowhere and treated me as if I was Brad Pitt! It was incredible as the control, manipulation, and brainwashing began instantaneously. She was beautiful, successful, very intelligent, extremely charming and convinced me that I was the love of her life. The red flags were waving by the thousands, but I ignored them. What followed was a text book version of more intensive love bombing, devaluation, and an extended discard (actually a hybrid of devaluation and discard) until the final death blow once my replacement(s) were firmly established. I have never been so disrespected, verbally abused, criticized and degraded by anyone in my life at this level. My friends would constantly comment that they didn’t recognize me anymore as I began being more and more an extension of herself while slowly was losing myself, even standing by her during her embarrassing drunken stupors at several parties where people would look at me and roll their eyes in disbelief.
When I read “When Evil is a Pretty Face”, I felt as if you were witnessing my story as it unfolded while I was being systematically brainwashed. Even though I educated myself after that fact, I believe I still would not have been able to leave once I realized the toxic nature of this relationship. The magnetic force is just too powerful (as you well know). Thank you for taking the time to write this book…I have read it several times.
I tried leaving on three separate occasions during my eighteen months on “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride,” but would always succumb to her Academy Award winning acting performances. Her Dad filled me in on her numerous past relationships, including the details of her dysfunctional and failed marriage. This alone should have had me running for the hills! I’ll never forget the last thing her Dad said to me when I told him how much I loved his daughter: “Good Luck”. Her selfish nature in how she treated her daughters and family members was a major red flag. Again, I ignored this. It took being heartlessly discarded by this pathological parasite to escape this emotional purgatory but I’m on the path to healing, although it will take some time. Somehow, I believe that this nightmare has a silver lining and will lead to a stronger, healthier, and wiser me! Unfortunately, her current victim(s) may not fare as well.
Thank you again!
Zari Ballard
May 16, 2015 at 6:33 pmMaxie wrote.…I tried leaving on three separate occasions during my eighteen months on “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride,” but would always succumb to her Academy Award winning acting performances. So true and we’ve all been there!!
Hi Maxie,
Thank you for writing and for reading the book. If you would be so kind as to leave a review on Amazon, I’d be most grateful:) I, too, feel that there is a silver lining to our experiences with, as you call them, pathological parasites (perfect!) and for me it was whatever compelled me to write the books and create this website. In doing so, I have been so privileged to be able to communicate with all of you who comment here. I also believe that the silver lining will show itself when you least expect it so know that it will come. Life is so much better without the angst and anxiety of anticipating the next move of someone that we love, knowing that it will be hurtful.
And, btw, my ex’s dad told me the exact same thing. He was a photographer and one day, in the middle of getting some promo pictures taken for a project I was working on, I said “I can’t believe how happy I am with your son” to which he looked up from the camera and said, “Oh yeah? Good luck with that.” LOLOLOL Hindsight is 20/20, isn’t it? We can’t say we weren’t warned!!!
Best of luck to you, my friend, and I’m here to support you:)
Zari xo
Maxie
May 17, 2015 at 9:54 pmHi Zari—I just left a review on Amazon. How interesting that your ex’s Dad said the same thing as mine did! And, you’re right, we can’t say we weren’t warned and they both knew exactly what they were talking about. In my case, her Dad had witnessed the carnage she amassed during her years of psychological terrorism. It’s been almost four months now and I’ve adopted a zero tolerance policy of PERMANENT No Contact. This could only be breached if she shows up in one of the clubs or restaurants where my band may be performing. If this happens, and if she approaches me, I plan to completely ignore her as if she doesn’t exist. After all, she never really did exist anyway.
I believe I’m currently being literally erased from her life. As you said in your book, I believe she knows that I have “found her out”. Next to being alone, a Narc dreads being found out. Anyway, it’s going to take a sometime, but I’ll get there. I’ve given so much of myself to her but I’m slowly taking it back, piece by piece.
Thank you!
Maxie
Zari Ballard
May 18, 2015 at 2:03 pmHi Maxie,
Okay…it gets even more interesting….I’m a singer and my ex (the narcissist) is a guitar player so we have much in common (you and I)…Thankfully, he’s not MY guitar player but running into each other at clubs where our bands are playing is always my fear. I’m laying low right now so I’ve avoided it thus far but it can’t be forever – I’m ready to get back out there and this town is way too small. I swear all of our lives are interchangeable!
Rock on, my friend:) And thank you for the review…I appreciate you!
Zari xo
Maxiey
May 18, 2015 at 8:32 pmHi Zari—Wow! Yes, we live in an interchangeable world. Your experience is a bit more intense than mine—13 years is a long time to suffer at the hands of a cerebral assassin. My year and a half in emotional purgatory pales in comparison. In essence, it was the last 13 months that was pure torture (when the mask was abruptly removed). And, when you first experience that bone-chilling Narcissist Stare—it’s pretty spooky! Nonetheless, the experience is always very painful and feels like a dagger through the heart when the final blow is administered. I refer to the final blow because I believe, in my case, that she will not be hoovering since she has an ample supply of eager victims. At this point, I believe that she has deleted me from her life.
I too have been laying low and it just doesn’t seem fair that I have to resort to living in a bunker while she parades around town with her happy face. However, seeing her would be just too painful at this juncture. Although we might not be able to rid the world of these maniacal misfits, we can certainly increase the awareness that these monsters are roaming the earth in ever-increasing numbers.
I ran across this “Narcissist Love Letter”, by John Howell. When I first read it, I thought for sure that she had written it specifically for me.
A Narcissist’s Love Letter
–John Howell–
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the way I feel when I’m with you. I love myself through you. I love seeing myself through your eyes. I love seeing myself through my eyes imagining how I look through your eyes. I love having someone new to tell my stories to, to express my opinions, and to share my profound theories and beliefs about the important things in life. I love hearing myself say these things as I imagine how they sound to you, and how enthralled with me I imagine you are.
When I say I’m in love with you, I love having someone beautiful to wear, like a new outfit. I love the way you feel on me. I love the way I feel about me when you are with me.
When I say I’m in love with you, I love not being alone. I love not being that tree falling in the forest. I love having a full-time, personal audience.
When I say I’m in love with you I mean I love being your mystery, your riddle, being what keeps you up at night, your obsession. I love being your altar, your sacrament, your icon, your miracle. I love being your answer. I love being the object of your sacrifice. I love being your pain.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I’m in love with being your sun, monopolizing your orbit, being your gravity, keeping you drawn back to me no matter how hard you try to jump or fly, keeping you down. Keeping you mine.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I’m in love with breathing your air, sucking your blood, eating your dreams. I’m in love with being your drug, your dagger, your suicide note.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
Keep up the good work and thank you for your support.
Maxiey
Zari Ballard
May 30, 2015 at 7:03 pmHi Maxiey,
Thank you for sharing that letter….how true it is! And as for laying low, although it doesn’t seem fair, the truth is that it’s more for your recovery than anything else. It’s okay to just “be” for awhile – the world will still be there when you feel up to getting out.
Zari xo
Maxie
May 19, 2015 at 9:19 pmHi Zari—I Know the feeling so very well about running into your ex-Narc in a club and/or bar because of the music connection and mutual friends. I too have been laying low and almost bumped into to her at a club just a few blocks from me. I was going to meet a friend there and he texted me saying that she had just walked in with….whew, dodged a bullet.
When I first met her, she had very few close friends (gee, I wonder why?). I introduced her to many of my friends, most of whom have now come forward and admitted that they “smelled a rat” from the very beginning. I must admit, I’m still “spinning” and still think of her often and feel that I am still “in love” with her. Of course, I’m in love with the facade—the illusion during those first four months of nuclear love bombing and expert future-faking. It’s mind boggling how I went from being Brad Pitt to Pee-Wee Herman within a few short months.
In your article, “Getting Over the Narcissist: A Game of Postpone & Pretend”, you mentioned the difficulty surviving these toxic relationships. You said, “When I look back on how sad I felt in relationships that ended in my life before the narcissist, I remember feeling that I would never recover and I can’t even believe that now. Those break-ups were a walk in the park!” This is so very true and trying to explain it to people who’ve never been there is literally impossible. It’s like trying to describe the ocean to someone who’s never seen it. Unless you’ve been victimized by one of these cerebral assassins, you have no concept of what it’s like. I cannot help feel that they will eventually crash and burn at some point and end up the sad and lonely empty vessels that they truly are. Although we might not be able to rid the world of these maniacal misfits, we can certainly increase the awareness that these monsters are roaming the earth in ever-increasing numbers.
Thank you for all you do,
Maxie
Zari Ballard
May 20, 2015 at 4:40 pmHi Maxie,
Yes, it’s basically impossible for those who haven’t experienced it to understand. I mean, people try to understand but inevitably they just start wondering what the hell the problem is. Somewhere in the tenth year or so, I solved that problem once and for all by making the conscious choice to not say a word to anyone anymore about the relationship no matter what was happening. In doing this, I felt I took the pressure off of everybody – me included. Sometimes, the ex and I would break up (i.e. I’d be getting the silent treatment) for a couple months and then he’d come back and the cycle would repeat a few times without anyone even knowing if we were together or not. I’m telling ya – I got REAL, REAL good at postponing and pretending. I learned to keep the relationship completely separated from anything else I was doing. This strategy not only saved my sanity by forcing me to continue on with life even through the bad times, it also put me in a great light when and if my friends or band mates would happen to run into him when I wasn’t around. For instance, one time when we weren’t even broken up, one of my guy friends described a time where he was at a house with a bunch of people I knew and my ex happened to stop by for something. As soon as my ex walked in and saw everyone, he started yapping…”Zari this…and Zari that…and you wouldn’t believe how she acts and what she did….she’s such a bitch and blah blah blah..” and he would not shut up, thinking that this was his chance to fill everyone in. My friend says he ranted for about an hour to the whole room and then said, “Yeah, I can only imagine what she must say about me” to which someone in the crowd replied, “Well, actually….no. She never mentions you at all. In fact, I don’t think any of us even knew you were still seeing each.” At that point, I’m told, the whole room chimed in in agreement and his expression was priceless. Within minutes, he was gone. Of course, my friend called shortly thereafter to ask if I was really still seeing “this asshole” and WHY….LOL. Not saying a word to anyone all that time made me look like an angel compared to the narcissist who apparently talked shit about me everywhere he went whether we were “together” or not. Sometimes saying nothing while letting them talk their crap is the best thing. It just makes them look like the monsters that they are. HAHA!!
Zari xo
Maxie
May 21, 2015 at 9:56 amHi Zari–What a great idea to just say nothing and let the Narcissist dig a deeper hole for himself! I read an interesting article by Melanie Tonia Evans about the power of doing nothing. It really makes sense because any energy you put forth is simply more ammunition for them to use against you—plus, they’re getting a reaction (supply) from you, so it’s a win/win for them only. I’m so glad it worked well for you. I can only imagine the deer in the headlights look on your ex-Narc’s face when they told him you haven’t mentioned anything about him. He’s probably back in his Narc hole right now, desperately digging up more supply so that he can get through the next day. I also like your strategy of postponing and pretending and will certainly incorporate that in my survival kit.
I know this wingnut well enough to be certain that my smear campaign is in full swing as we speak…actually, it started well before my final discard, which by the way was the day after Valentine’s Day (how thoughtful). And, I can only imagine what she must be saying about me: How I screwed everything up , am a such a bad person, and made all the mistakes, etc. She, on the other hand, is flawless and squeaky clean. And, who knows what she’s saying about the sex, which by the way was horrifyingly lame. It’s ironic because she comes across as being highly seductive and sensuous. Yet, I was so emotionally addicted and attached to this Svengali, I overlooked any and all negative aspects, including her significant deficiencies in intimacy. It’s so tempting to speak out and clear my name , yet I know it will merely backfire. I realize that I must sound like a broken record to many of my friends as I reiterate the nightmare, more times than it is healthy for anyone to hear (including me)—all in an effort to cleanse myself from such a polluted and toxic relationship. As difficult as it is right now, I know one day we’ll both be able to look back and see how insignificant and small they really are and wonder why in the world did we every give our hearts to these ass clowns.
Thank you for your care and support,
Maxie
Zari Ballard
May 30, 2015 at 5:48 pmHi Maxie,
Yes, the power of saying nothing is power indeed and I truly GUARANTEE its positive effect. A narcissist will ALWAYS dig his or her own grave. Seriously, I’d be willing to bet a good bit of money on it because I’ve never seen it NOT happen. Sometimes it takes a while and that time can seem like forever when their mouth is flapping but just remain quietly strong. The end result is that you always look like the better person and they are exposed for the devil that they are.
Keep on the right path and I’m here if you need me…
Zari xo
Phil
June 1, 2015 at 2:41 amHi Zari
Thank you for your supportive words and in relation to men being victims of female narcissists. It was something I had practically no awareness of as I did always associate with males and Im a counsellor to. My relationship with a female narcissist was the most deeply hurtful thing I have ever experienced. I cant ever imagine it happening again. I was just so in and loved her not just romantically but more importantly as a person and it was that realisation that the person I loved in that way was never that person. I thought we had a soul mate connection but she used and discarded me horribly like I meant nothing and more than once too. I ignored the initial flag thinking it was a blip but that was always what she was underneath and still afterwards seems to blame me. I have been so grateful for a few mutual friends being able to give empathy to me for how ive felt and my amazing Therapist and also my sister. I don’t know where I’d be without them and I’m so grateful I’m out of it. It could’ve got so much worse. It’s taken me into the depths of me to a deeper healing wound which I’m now working with. I’m writing a full story for another therapists ebook I hope to finish soon. Thanks again
Phil
Zari Ballard
June 5, 2015 at 4:24 pmHi Phil,
Thank you for writing and I’m always grateful to help:) I recently published a book on Amazon for the guys – When Evil Is a Pretty Face – which is specifically about female narcissism and all of the crazy behaviors. If you get a chance, give it a read because it will help you really understand what you’ve been through and are going through now. Support is everything and long ago I decided that we ALL – women and men – have to stick together because no one else will ever understand. I glad that you have a few chosen friends and a therapist who “gets it” because that is sooooo important!
Take care, stay strong, and write anytime!
Zari xo
jmkco
September 17, 2017 at 11:51 amThanks for this article – it describes my situation perfectly and is tremendously helpful.
After 18 years(!) of marriage, all along wondering what I was doing wrong (and trying to fix it), I finally realize what she is and how I was duped into accepting all of her projections. I’m humiliated by the realization, but I’m also FREE!
I stayed so long mainly due to our two wonderful kids and a strong internal commitment to be better to my family than my parents were to me.
She’s like a tornado that destroys your home – there’s no bargaining, no winning, and certainly no mercy. Honestly, there’s no real point even in trying to understand the one that flattened you. Well, other than to ensure you see the *next* tornado in time to get out of the way!
My only choice is to be grateful that it wasn’t worse, to pick up what’s left of my life, rebuild and move on.
There are good women out there, and I know I’ll find them! 🙂
Harry
April 28, 2015 at 9:46 amI am so disillusioned and hurt . I cannot believe that this world actually harbors such inhuman people as these narcissists . I gave all my love to this woman who I married almost three years ago . I gave more of myself to her than any woman before . I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life . When we younger we were best friends , talking on the phone all the time . She would skip school all the time and come to my house and we would spend the days talking and hanging out . It wasn’t till much later after we drifted apart that I found out she had told other people that she was in love with me . We were 16 and I had a girlfriend who I eventually married . So thirty years go by ,I had moved out of state and then after 13 years moved back . A few years later I began seeing another girl I had known back in the day and had been involved with back in the day . But the relationship was going nowhere and we both knew this . So one night , the day after Valentines day this girl and I were talking on the phone and she mentioned she had been texting the girl I had been friends with years ago and that she was alone at a bar sad because she was alone for The holiday . At first I was against the idea but my “girlfriend” talked me into going out for a few drinks with my old friend . Well thatis where the nightmare started . That was over four years ago and I still don’t really understand what happened . I read all this stuff on narcissist and the abuse they inflict , but it is so overwhelming and so hard to accept . Over four years of her manipulation , head games , leaving for days or weeks at a time and carrying on relationships with other men , drunk phone calls in the middle of the night begging to come home all the while sitting there with someone else by her side . `So many more things it hurts to much to relate . Well I started a NO CONTACT with my N on Januarary 31st this year after she came home on the 30th back from drinking with another man , so drunk she could hardly stand . When I stated my displeasure of the state she was in she proceeded to get violent and to punch me in the face and when I covered up with my head in my arms she wiggled her hands underneath my arms and tried to dig her fingers into my eyes . She went at my eyes so hard that she ripped my contacts out of my eyes . Eventually I got away from her and called the police and they arrested her for domestic violence as my face was gouged and tore up . I filed a PROTECTION FROM ABUSE order against her and she still tried to contact me through phone calls from the jail which I didn’t answer but she left msgs on my answering machine so I blocked her form calling from the jail . She also wrote 3 letters from jail begging me to write or came visit her like nothing had ever happened . I blocked her from calling from the jail and with that avenue of communication blocked she then had her cousin contact me telling me how much she missed me , how sorry she was and how much she really loved me and also there were moreletters she wrote her cousin to give to me that I needed to read . I refused the letters . Well her cousin dropped the letters off in my mailbox anyways and so I read them . As I went throught he letters I found one that was actually addressed to her cousin that was mistakenly put in with the others . In this letter she told her cousin to contact her ex fiance and another man she had cheated on me with so she could talk them into going to see her in jail and maybe begin a relationship with one of the two , which ever one wold agree to see her . Also in the letters EVERYTHING WAS MY FAULT ! She took no responsibility for her actions . She spent 70 days in jail and was released with a year probation and the PFA (3 years) still in effect . Every night since her release there were late night hang up calls from 2 in the morning till daylight . Finally on the 25th of this month she called late one night and didn,t hang up . She left a message on my answering machine saying how much she loved and missed me and how she forgives me for deserting her in jail . After i call the police reporting the violation of the PFA I get a harrassing ,threatening phone call from a friend she was drinking with and then more calls from her saying rude ignorant things . Now she once again sits in jail awaiting a trial for violating the PFA . This has just been in the last few months but this is what my life has been like for the last four years . Just different versions of the same old story . What is the worst thing in all of this ? I still , even through all this miss and love her so much ! Isn’t that sad , pathetic and stupid of me . I know it is over and I can never be with her again but that doesnt stop the feelings I have in my heart for her . I know all the loving times we had were only pretending on her side , but on my side all that was real . But I do realize she will never change . There will always be other men . There will always be lies . There will always be the punishments (silent treatment etc,) There will always be the manipulation of my feelings to get what she wants . I can no longer live in that constant state of being on edge waiting to see what she is going to pull next to hurt me . It is killing me because I do truly love her with all my heart but I cannot take anymore . Thank you Zari for your book “PRETTY FACE” . It is helping me through this . It is just so amazing how perfectly you described every aspect of my relationship these last years . Thank you , Harry
Zari Ballard
May 13, 2015 at 12:42 amHello Harry,
Wow….that is one of the most heart-breaking stories I have ever heard from the guys, my friend, and I am so sorry it has happened. Reading it gave me a very creepy feeling and I am very glad that you have the PFE in order. Just keep one eye in the back of your head even with the order because, as you know that I know from reading the book, narcissistic females are beyond evil. Her propensity for violence is awful and, believe me, I do hear that all the time. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that the females are far worse than the males in that they will kick, scratch, punch, and claw the male victim. Tearing your contacts out of your eyes makes me sick and I can’t get the image out of my head.
Look, you are free and you know that it must be that way. The person that you miss never existed…THIS is the real person and always has been. The person that we fall in love with is the fake one and that’s what we can’t wrap our head around. But it is what it is and No Contact is the ONLY way to recover from this madness and mayhem. In her mind, she did NOTHING wrong – nothing! As you said, she will always cheat and she will always blame you and she will always be violent. An order may not even keep her away. Right now she is going through some narcissistic injury because she is sitting in a jail cell and no one is paying attention to her. I guarantee that there isn’t another guy willing to deal with her shit now either – she is really, really bad, bad news.
I’m glad that my book has helped and if you ever feel that you’d like to talk one-on-one I do offer consultations. Think about the level of her behavior and how insane it really is….it’s dangerous, my friend. Call the cops every single time she breaks that order. Enough is enough. Again, I am so sorry you are suffering but you are on a positive track (even if it doesn’t feel like it). I hope that you have friends and family that support you although I understand that, for a guy, it’s hard to explain this to anyone who hasn’t lived it! I’m here if you need me and I do apologize for the delay in responding – I feel badly about that….If you need, I will be here.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
In the same boat
May 14, 2015 at 2:39 pmMy friend,
You are not alone in this nightmare as I too am in emotional tatters after the same(eerily same ) treatment. And my MN loved parading her extra carricular activities in front of me all the while claiming she’s teaching me a lesson and how I deserved it.. What an asshole!!! Be strong know that I will pray for your heart and peace ….
Jim Stanfield
April 19, 2015 at 8:58 amHi Zari,
Thank you for recongizing that there are female narcissist. I believe there are more of them than we believe simply because as men it’s extreemly hard to admit we were victimized.
My story is short, but I’m now on the 3rd month of no contact. After being devalued one more time in January I cut contact and walked away. Of course she had to have the last word, “that’s it, I’m done”, and then two weeks later a note in the mailbox saying,…well you know, it’s all my fault.
My wife died in 2013 after a long battle with cancer. We were married 30 years, 14 of which she battled the disease. In 2009 one week after her final diagnosis I too was diagnosed with cancer. Three weeks I was contacted by a former co-worker whom I knew for 13 years. We worked together for 8 years and I really hadn’t seen her for 5 years because this call. We went out for dinner together. I was a mess, well, in shock actually at the loss of my wife, but she had wanted me to move on. I communicated this during the dinner. We had a few drinks and then called it a night, but as I walked to my car she came on to me, asking questions about what we had talked about, and asking whether I was sure I didn’t want a new relationship. While I’ll loved my wife dearly the last 10 years of the marriage there wasn’t a lot of physical contact due to her illness. Additionally I now know – from grief counseling – that I was feeling like I somehow failed her in so many ways (normal my THP told me for men who survive).
Anyway we went to a few more bars and she got more suggestive, but I decided to go home. After getting home she texted me that her adult son was gone and if I wanted to come over I could. I should have stayed home, but didn’t. I went to her house with a bottle of wine, just to be there and talk, I really didn’t think anything would happen. She answered the door with a nightgown. We kissed a bit, I really don’t know why I did, I now know I wasn’t in my right mind, but after a bit of petting, she shoved me a way and said that really all she wanted was sex. I was hurt and shocked and left. She texted me a few times afterward saying she was sorry, but I was hurt and felt rejected.
However we had talked about taking a trip together – plantonically – during dinner and wanted to know if we were still going. Again, I should have said no, but I told her yes. We went on the trip, of course I paid for it, I realize now that I had told her about a sizable savings I had. We actually had a good time, and had sex and stayed the weekend and returned home. She was going overseas in the next month but before she left she had sent me a card that dripped with suraply language – best ever, the man of my dreams, etc.
Soon after this we agreed to get married. Of course friends and family were shocked but mainly supportive. But then it started the “push/pull”, “I don’t feel this is right”, “come here, go away” started. Then crytic facebook posts, etc. After a while it seems I became consumed with this to the point of not being able to function at work. One flag I noticed right a way was her reluctance to take the bill for anything, except here and there. Another was I gave her one of my cars to drive and she wrote me a note on FB that said in effect that she had doubted I would move on from my wife as when we went on that first trip there were still things in the car that belonged to my wife – just three weeks after her death. In fact she seems overly consumed with erasing the memory of my wife and chided/shamed me, whenever I would mention her or show sadness.
In Jan of 2014 I was let go from my long time job, mostly because my drinking accelated (trying to cope), and things really went down from there. The plan had been to move into my house and she did a few months later. She lived there for five months, basically free, never contributing anything. In fact she drove my car for 12 months and never offered once to make a payment even when I was out of work.
She moved back to her previous residence after the 5 months and then on a trip we made afterwards she told me that the jewelry that I had given her from my wife she had sold to pay for the move.
There were a lot more incidents over the next few months. Of course I was trying to cope with the alcohol and this caused me a lot of trouble – baker acts, and finally an arrest for DUI. After the arrest she broke up with me after really something I wrote in a private chat with my sister – she was always breaking into my FB and reading my texts. I didn’t hide things so I guess I left that door open.
In fact on this occassion she not only logged into my FB she deleted photos of her and me. Anyway when she told me it was over I was relieved and didn’t put up a fight. I had gotten into therapy at that time as well as 12 steps for the AB, and learned about Narcissism.
However after about three weeks she began sending “fake texts”, dropped calls, etc. Then one day she called and I answered (slap forehead). She was upset crying, and saying she couldn’t function, etc. I guess I felt sorry for her and honestly I even missed her too. So we met the next day for lunch and “rekindled” that evening. Things were great for about a week and then – yep, devalue. Criticism, accusations, etc. This went on through the holidays. Mind you she was staying at her place, while I was home. I started to notice that she was being wierd, hiding her phone, disapering etc. I couldn’t prove it, but my spidey sence was telling me that she was doing something on the side. In one case when I went to her place I could – smell it, that musky sex smell.
Anyway things came to a head in January and like I said I walked out. It hasn’t been easy (you go up and down), but I’ve maintained NC for nearly 3 1/2 months. Although I hope she’s gone for good I know different – she still has some things that belong to me. But through your site and others on the web I’m moving forward. Even to the point of properly grieving my wife.
Again, thanks for all your work and I’ve downloaded the book – wish I had had it 18 months again…:)
Take care.
Zari Ballard
May 12, 2015 at 8:07 pmHi Jim,
How you doing, my friend? I hope that you’ve downloaded the book and that you found it helpful. I’m so late with responses but I wanted to say that your story about your wife was very heartbreaking. Leave it to a narcissist to show up at the perfect time to snag a target. They have a sixth sense, I swear. Always remember that nothing a narcissist does is random – ever. I am so happy that you got away from her and can grieve properly and get on with your life. But you mentioned in your post that you too were diagnosed with cancer and then the girl showed up. Are you okay now? How did you get through that while dealing with her? You are strong indeed.
If you feel up to it, please let me know how you are doing…..and thank you for sharing:)
Zari xo
Richard
March 11, 2015 at 4:50 amI have posted on here before. This time after five months of no contact, the female narcissist starts calling from other numbers and finally gets me and lays on the I love you. I missed you, etc. I fall and meet with her. BIG MISTAKE! I knew it was wrong and sure enough she starts her crap and even threatens the police for no reason. I drove away hurting more than I did before, I am so.upset with myself! Why why why did I go back to the insanity??? Don’t do it if you’re in my position, the pain is the worst!
Zari Ballard
March 14, 2015 at 9:52 pmHi Richard,
I remember your posts. So sorry that she was able to weasel her way back in but don’t feel alone – we’ve all done it! Now, you have to make sure it NEVER happens again. Change your phone number so that she can NEVER call you again and get back up on your feet. Narcissists are very good at what they do – you just have to be better and more focused about what you know is right. She is all wrong, my friend. Forget it happened and move along now. This is exactly what she wanted to happen and narcissists usually get what they want because they will say and do anything to get it. They are ruthless and relentless.
The fact that you fell off the wagon isn’t the end of the world, it was only the end of no contact (temporarily). You have all the power to turn it back around and continue on. I know you can do it.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Diogenes
March 27, 2015 at 7:09 pmHello Zari,
I am a male victim of narcissistic abuse, and I stand proudly at one month and one day of No Contact. It hasn’t been easy, but resources such as your site have been a tremendous boost. After six months with my ex, and several breakups from which I was “Hoovered” back, a friend suggested I research NPD. What a revelation: the ex and her actions hit on so many different levels it was astonishing. I now move forward gaining strength with every day that passes. She failed to return numerous items of my belongings, including some that are deeply personal to me, so I half expect her to someday use these in an attempt to lash out at me again. My resolve is bolstered in finding and learning from sites such as this. Thanks for all you do.
M
Zari Ballard
March 29, 2015 at 1:10 pmHi Diogenes (M),
Thanks for the kind words and I’m glad you found your way to my website. If you get a chance, download my newest book When Evil Is a Pretty Face from Amazon – it’s all about the female narcissistic partner. You’ll appreciate it, I’m sure. It’s crazy when we discover exactly what we’ve been dealing with and realize that the behaviors and cruelty actually have a label attached. Shocking yet comforting at the same time, it really is.
Stay strong, brother, and keep reading at my site and others. We’re a team here and feel free to write anytime. You’re not alone in the fight and I’m here to support you:)
Zari xo
reluctanatone
February 20, 2015 at 12:04 amThank you. I realized early on that this evil is not gender specific. I have thoroughly “enjoyed” your articles and insights. Actually was literally laughing out loud when you used the term “sucker punch” 🙂
Just thank you for your efforts
Jeff
Zari Ballard
February 20, 2015 at 2:10 amHey Jeff,
Thanks for writing and I’m glad I gave you a good laugh. Everything a narcissist puts you through is like a sucker punch because the fun, for them, is that you never see it coming!!! How evil is that?
Hey, if you don’t mind, I’d like to send you a free copy of my new book on female narcissism. I can send it via email in PDF format. It just launched so I’m asking for input from the guys on it and to let me know if I left anything out so I can go back and add it. If you like it, I’d also love it if you’d leave a review on Amazon. It’s like pulling teeth to get reviews for new books:) But only if you like it! LOL
Stay strong!
Zari xo
reluctanatone
February 20, 2015 at 2:35 amIt would be a privilege and honor to read and review your book! 🙂 Not to mention the critical importance of educating myself to to true nature of this encounter. You have a beautiful,creative gift for creating a reflection with words that allows me to see for myself this almost indescribable insanity/evil. The most crippling obstacle for me, as a man, was to actually admit that I was indeed a victim of domestic violence. The other obstacle, and you mentioned it, is trying to find guys/people who actually can understand what I went through. I’m only a couple of months along the path. Not really measuring my progress in terms of time. I am still crippled by moments of doubt and actually returned for one more “sucker punch” for good measure. I am well acquainted with the 12 step model and get the absolute necessity of admitting “Powerless” … If any of my experience can be helpful in your Passion here don’t hesitate to ask.
You can absolutely count on an intelligent articulate book review.
Jeff
Zari Ballard
March 5, 2015 at 8:01 amHello Jeff,
I am so far behind in answering my posts…please forgive me. Please send me an update and let me know how you are doing, brother. I hope you are having more ups and downs. Stay strong and stay the course. Write back, okay?
Zari xo
reluctantone
March 5, 2015 at 9:17 amNo apologies ever necessary! 🙂 It ebbs and flows. I realize it as a process and not an event. I’ve been a long time member of AA (in fact that is where I met my nemesis) and we share a meeting that has been a part of the AA process for me for almost 28 years (sober 5 years at the end of the month:) This makes the “no contact” a bit more complicated. Having had the Awakening as the result of following the directions in the basic text, I have experienced the Power. This adds a new twist to my cognitive dissonance. The line is blurry here. I’ve already made a commitment to myself that if I fall back into the delusion I will find a different meeting to attend. I’ve adopted a “shared custody” approach to this scenario, but am truly grateful that I do have that option to sever all ties without abandoning a child. There are many “false prophets” within the rooms of AA. Sometimes it feels like an NPD feeding ground! … She is the consummate actress (in fact she is a professional actress in local theaters around town) and so I get fooled sometimes into thinking that perhaps she has had an Awakening that’s gonna make her human at some point in the game. I can almost see the smile on your face as I am actually typing this out 🙂 I laugh at myself sometimes as I watch this denial play itself out! I think that what I am really waiting for is for her to return to active addiction. Folks without compassion, empathy and remorse don’t stay sober. It’s just a fact. Sometimes I suspect I am a bit of a masochist in choosing this particular approach to freeing myself from this insanity, but like I said, the line is a bit blurry here.
I just wanted to thank you again for your efforts and know that being educated allows me the clarity required to free myself. Denial and euphoric recall are at the core of the alcoholic disease and the principles of recovery are applicable here.
Jeff
Zari Ballard
March 7, 2015 at 2:26 amDear Jeff,
Congrats on the upcoming 5 year anniversary of sobriety! You are an inspiration if there ever was one. And if you can do THAT, then you can surely do THIS (get over the N)!! LOL No more denial for anyone…it’s time to stop this awful madness and get on with the good stuff (and life really IS filled with good stuff). We’ve just lost our way for a bit, that’s all….
Stay strong, brother, and continue to write here…I truly appreciate it:)
Love,
Zari xo
Brian
February 9, 2015 at 3:22 pmWow!, after reading these stories, I feel fortunate to have only spent 4 months with my female N. We met online. She was extremely attractive (but that was not necessarily of any consequence to me since I’ve dated attractive women before who were nice people), but from the first date I didn’t feel comfortable with this woman. She put on heirs of being very classy. Wanted to go to fancy restaurants all the time (hinting that all her previous boyfriends treated her to all the best…hence she was entitled to this treatment). Drove a Mercedes despite having kind of a mediocre salary. Owned a large home, with an in-law suite where her mother lived. Apparently, the mother contributed a large amount of money toward the purchase of the home…and the way she treated her mother was appalling. “She get’s into my business” etc. I never witnessed that. So not only was she abusing the men in her life, she was abusing family members as well. According to her, every man she was with before was a fraud. By our 4th date I realized this was someone I didn’t really like. Everything seemed to be about “her”. I’m usually pretty good at reading people, and I’ve never had a problem letting go of someone who I didn’t think was right for me (pretty quickly I might add). So on that 4th date I told her I didn’t think we’d make a good couple and we should move on. She cried and convinced me that I was quitting on something that could be a really awesome relationship. In my head I’m thinking….”on what planet does this relationship look awesome”? But I thought maybe she was right…I was not giving it a chance….the beginning of the manipulation. For the first month it was lots of time spent together….non stop sex. Her telling me she’d finally found the man of her dreams. Playing this all up to her hundreds of friends. Then slowly all the adoration started to decline. And subtle signs of abuse started. The demeaning comments, we’re at her house all the time, never at mine. It got to the point where she’d say “WE” have to go clean up at my house. All the while she’s leaving dirty dishes all over my place as if it was some outdoor arena. Every little thing I did wrong was pointed out to me like a child. God forbid I’d leave a room and not turn the light out. Then one day we were having words while I was brushing my teeth (I don’t think she liked being challenged on anything), and out of the blue, she punches me in the back of the head. I should have known right then and there it was over. I got a very lame and insincere apology. I left. After hours of not hearing from her, I called. Huge mistake. She wasn’t going to call me. This could have been the end and it wouldn’t still be fresh in my mind. Then another time, I decided again that we should break it off and left her a note since I knew doing it in a conversation would just lead to her yelling and screaming. So the next morning she literally comes crashing through my front door. Yes, she literally knocked the front door down. Instead of recognizing this for the psycho act it was, I thought it was just an act of passion. When someone hits you in the head and knocks down your door, GTFO of that relationship. Don’t walk…..run! So finally I told her it’s over….. Realize this…N’s don’t like to be broken up with. They are used to hurting others and smashing their self esteem. In my case, somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew this was never going anywhere. So I always knew I’d be doing the break up. But I have to be honest, I was enjoying lots of sex with a beautiful woman. But eventually even that’s not enough.
However, beware of what’s coming when you leave her….an all out attack on your character. Eventually after the fact, I changed my facebook status such that we were not in a relationship anymore. This isn’t something that people see normally. It’s just some discreet thing that people don’t notice. But no, that was not ok with her. She had to publicly post that her relationship was over (and trashing me of course). All the friends who she has snowed, and have never met me btw, are coming out of the woodwork to heap shit on me, and tell her she will do better next time. Although I suspect many of them know the real her and wonder why a 48 year old would do such a juvenile thing.
I’ve been in enough relationships to know when someone cares for me and loves me. The N, is not capable of this and most likely will never change. When it’s over, you will most likely wonder if they are missing you, or happy with someone else. The answer to both is NO. They aren’t missing you because they have no emotion. And they aren’t happy with someone else because they are never happy with anyone. They are just sucking the life out of them. Just be glad it isn’t you anymore.
As pissed off as I am, at the same time, I feel sorry for her. I don’t think she realizes how messed up she is. But most of all, I am embarrassed that I wasted four months of my life that I’ll never get back, when I knew from the jump the kind of person she really was. God help the next guy.
Zari Ballard
February 14, 2015 at 6:51 amHi Brian,
Thank you so much for sharing your story and I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I am publishing my final draft of my book on narcissistic females tomorrow and I would really like to include your story as one of the side notes. It will be anonymous, of course, and there will be others included as well but I feel your story is an important example of how these female monsters can come from all walks of life and can try to destroy you within just a short amount of time. As you were describing her, I had an image in my mind and I bet I’m not far off. The title of my book is “When Evil is a Pretty Face” and she sounds like a textbook case. Good for you that it only took four months and thank you for offering your words of advice. But next time….try to stay away from the internet when looking for a date. Cyberspace is a narcissists playground and they are everywhere. In fact, it’s highly unlikely that a person we meet online is NOT a narcissist, sociopath, or someone with some type of personality disorder. It’s unfortunate because, otherwise, I agree that it’s a great way to meet lots of people.
Stay strong and may you find all the happiness you deserve!!
Zari xo
Liam Farren
February 19, 2015 at 12:50 amThis is all so mind blowing. I was friends with my ex for years, she was my neighbor. I was married and my wife and her became close friends. I loved my wife and was always faithful but i thought this woman was one of the most beautiful women i had ever seen. You could say that i had a major crush on her from the jump lol. Anyway she was with someone at the time aswell and we all use to hang out. Well as time went on her and her boyfriend always seemed to be breaking up and getting back together and being that she and my wife were close friends i would always hear how bad he treated her and how it was always the last time. Well as time past eventually they had a child and moved away. During that time my wife got involved with drugs and wound up walking out on me and our children. Around the same time my neighbor once again broke up with her man… he actually put her and their 3yr old daughter in a homeless shelter! She went back to her mothers who happened to own the house next to mine. One day she came over to tell me she heard about what happened with my wife and that she was sorry to hear it. One thing led to another and from that night on we were basically inseparable. There were so many red flags just from the outside looking in that i should have stayed away before it even got started but i was so smitten with this beautiful woman that i ignored all of them. I could go on forever but ill sum it up. We were together for just over 3 yrs. In that three years i fell so crazy in love with this woman that i chose to keep ignoring all the red flags that would pop up. I wont go into detail but there was all the same examples as everyone else has put out there from the cheating and lies to when i show her undeniable proof of her infidelity through her txt and photos she had sent to others that she would rage and become violent because she could not twist it any other way and each time i would try to walk away and end it somehow she would pull me back in. I thought we had gotten through all the ups and downs and life was just starting to get back to normal. I still loved her more than ever and she told me that she loved me just as much. I was her soulmate. She was so lucky to have such a hard working loving man to take care of her and her child who has been calling me dad for the last 2 yrs and that my wife was a fool to leave just as she would be. This is stuff i heard on a daily basis. My children looked to her as a mother figure as well and loved her. Well….on the morning of jan 9th i wake up to find that in the middle of the night while i was asleep she took her child…the little girl that i have raised as my own for three years…and her dog and left. Went back to her ex. No goodbye…no note..no fuck off…no nothing! I have not heard anything from her since. Not a word. I only know she went back to him by checking phone records to see who she had been talking to! Obviously there is so much more i could say about her behavior… it was always about her…my feeling did not matter at all. Plenty of examples but i know everyone has seen enough in their own life to know what its like. I have just felt so lost and empty because literally everything i did was for this woman and now i am so hurt and heart broken to know it all meant nothing. I can not tell you how much i appreciate having a place i can let this out to people who understand this kind of pain and confusion. In a way i guess im lucky that she discarded me so i dont have to worry about the temptation of hoovering but on the same level it is soul crushing to realise just how little you mean to someone who meant everything to you. Thank you for this page and thank you for taking the time to read my rambling. I feel alittle better letting it out. God bless all of you who are going through this pain and confusion as i am i have never felt anything as raw and painful as this.
Zari Ballard
February 28, 2015 at 11:51 pmHi Liam,
Thank you for sharing your story and I apologize for the delay in responding. I am very sorry that you’ve had to go through all this bullshit and I full well know the pain of waking up and having no one there who just the day before was saying all the right things. It’s mind-boggling and, if we allow it, the thoughts will consume us forever and a day. We’ll never get the “closure” that we want because it doesn’t exist anyway (only in the movies) so we have to come to terms with it on our own. The fact that there are kids involved just adds to the mix for us but honestly, your kids will be just fine. Thank God for the resilience of children and the tolerance they have for what they have to watch us go through in these situations.
Now, you have to imagine what is happening in her new situation. We might never know the truth about what happened in her previous relationship (that she went back to) but I guarantee it’s not anything like she made it out to be. The story of the guy sending her and the childhood to a homeless shelter doesn’t ring true to me at all although it DEFINITELY sounds like a story a narcissist might tell.If it’s true, then I would suspect that the child didn’t belong to the guy and this is why he could do that. But, more likely, the homeless shelter part of it didn’t happen at all and she simply vanished on him. Who knows and who cares but my point is that her whole life has been one big magic trick (of the darkest kind) and it will continue to be that for as long as she lives. I feel very sorry for the little girl but this is what happens over and over when the mom is a narcissist. Your children are better off with just a loving dad than they would be with either of your ex’s around. I believe from the bottom of my heart that, even with the pain that you feel and I know it is horrible, the situation is just as it should be. You deserve to be happy, brother, and this girl is and was never going to contribute to that in a meaningful way.
Right now, though, do not be surprised if she tries to hoover her way back at some point when she tires of where she’s at. You must, in your mind, turn HER silence into YOUR No Contact and make it impossible for her to easily contact you. Change your number or block her but do not leave the door open for her to slip back in. Female narcissists will pull out all the stops and you must not allow it. You know as well as I do that this girl’s “bad” is as good as its ever going to get.
Please, if you can, download my newest book, When Evil Is a Pretty Face, from Amazon. It just launched and I wrote it specifically for the guys because I know there’s not a whole lot of support out there for male victims. It will help you get a handle on what happened in a big way and it provides a path to recovery. Please, please read it. In the meantime, feel free to write anytime that you need to, okay? I am here to support you in any way that I can.
Stay strong,
Zari xo
Liam Farren
March 8, 2015 at 8:45 pmHey Zari, thank you for the kind words and the response. I have already read when love is a lie and now i am reading evil… awesome both! Question…since she has been gone i have had no contact except right after she disappeared because she wanted some pictures of her family she had left behind. I gave them to a mutual friend and that was that. Its been almost two months. I changed my number unfriended her on fb and all that. What i forgot was to block her on fb and today she sent a fb messenger message about wanting back some insignificant item she left in storage here. Now my question is …is this actually something she just thought of or is she just fishing for a reaction from me? Like i said i have not tried to contact her at all. I have not responded to her message either. She is still living with the man she left for and like i said it is just a small insignificant item ( a box of dolls she use to collect ). Just out of the blue… ate my dolls still there i would like them back. Thats the entirety of the message. Just wanted another point of view. I know i need to BLOCK her on fb now but after seeing her message i am feeling all crazy again after doing so good! Thanks again. And i will be sure to review your books on amazon with ☆☆☆☆☆!
Ryan
June 12, 2015 at 9:32 amSomeone I can relate to completely. Only with a F N for a 4 months but the manipulation and lies in that time is unbelievable. I have so much empathy for those with children and involved for years. ( she told me there’s a good chance she was pregnant during exam week and wouldn’t tell me the result) Honestly scared to post it on here for the fact she might see.
Zari Ballard
June 15, 2015 at 10:13 amHi Ryan,
Just so you know, you can always get an email just for posting here and use a fake name. Everyone does it. Then, you can feel free to share your story and get support:)
Zari xo
Mike
February 9, 2015 at 12:21 pmI have been reading all the books and articles about the male N and his traits yet I can very much associate my ex-wife’s N behavior for the most part. However, I am glad you have provided the opportunity for victims of female N voice their story. I have been divorced from ex for about two years, we have a son together. Until three weeks ago, I had no idea I had been dealing with a female N and I have pretty much suffered all of the listed abuse from her. She had managed my expectations down so well, our relationship of six years had become less than a shadow of how we had started. At the end, she had an affair with a close friend of mine (whom I also realized is a male N) over a year under my nose and then I asked for a divorce. When all was said and done, she blamed me for her affair and shifted the entire responsibility of our relationship breaking down on me.
All this time, I could not understand how someone who was so (supposedly) in love with me could do the things she did to me and had no remorse and had no empathy for my suffering. Without understanding her mind-set, I yearned for an apology from her so I could have some sort of closure. Although, she did apologize few times, I knew she was never sincere cause every argument we would have she would again place the entire blame on me and she would claim to be a perfect wife, mother and person. She lived in a state of denial and this was driving me nuts and could not get my head around this to save my sanity.
Then few months ago, I have decided to go no contact with her. I could feet that the change in my mood and the positive outlook in life was significant within couple months. I had a spring in my step and my confidence was growing until I had to have a conversation with her about our son’s school. I was dreading the conversation simply because knowing the outcome will be just like the other conversations. She would blatantly lie about the facts of the past events and lie about everything under the sun to make herself look like the victim and place the entire blame on me. This time around, I didn’t care as much because I thought I was on to her games. She started the conversation about how selfish I was being and this was the main reason why our relationship broke down and I needed to think about my son rather than always myself etc. During our conversation, I realized she had changed all the facts and truths to support her story. She cried and again made me feel like I had screwed up so badly and destroyed our relationship. After two hours of bashing, I was in state of shock and this feeling went on for two days. I had lost all my recovery to her manipulation and lying again. However this time around, I knew something didn’t add up and the way I was feeling was entirely a cruel plot to gain back the control. So after few day of feeling sad and guilty about how I messed up and how I made her cheat on me, I decided to research the root cause of why I was feeling this way and I googled “I just had an argument with my ex and I am feeling really sad and guilty” When I started reading the related articles about N personality disorder and how the victims suffer under their abuse, I was blown out with the similar stories. Then, I went on a mission to read all I can to understand why I have suffered so much under her relentless desire to control and manipulate me even after our divorce was final. I now see how I was drawn to her and how she managed my expectations down for so long and turn me someone whom I could not recognize myself. In her relentless mission to deflect the shame from her affair, she had spent enormous amount of energy and money to convince all our mutual friends that I was the one with the problem and she was the victim of a demanding and bitter husband. Unfortunately, most people ate this up and sided with her.
My first instinct after discovering the narcissist was to go up to her and face her with the truth she already knew. So I decided to keep this to myself and use this information to further disassociate myself from her and continue with no contact rule. Again thank you for sharing and I wish I had read about the narcissistic disorder two years back but I will take my loss and carry on.
Zari Ballard
February 28, 2015 at 8:30 amHi Mike,
So sorry that it has taken me so long to get back to you. I am going to send you a copy of my new book, When Evil Is a Pretty Face, because I believe it will help you. I will send it to the email that you used to write here on my website. I know this is hard but you have made the best decision possible in a very difficult situation. There is a chapter in my book about co-parenting and it will have some good strategies for dealing with her bullshit. The key is to practice DETACHMENT and INDIFFERENCE whenever you have to deal with her and to make this interaction minimal and only related to the child. She will use the child has a pawn to get you to react emotionally but you must not allow this. Have confidence in the fact that you know the truth – because you do know the truth. Stay strong, my friend, and thank you so much for sharing!!!
Be sure to check your email as I am going to send it now in PDF format.
Zari xo