Letting Go of the Narcissist = Releasing the Past

Zari Ballard’s Blog, TheNarcissisticPersonality.com

To begin to let go of the narcissist, we must release the past and choose to live in the here and now. This, my friends, is the only answer to the (heart) aches and pains that we feel after it finally ends with our narcissistic partner. There was nothing we could have ever done, no love we could have ever shown, and no words we could have ever spoken to this person that would have ever made a difference in the outcome.  It’s hard to accept and sadder than sad – I know. But it is what it is and life simply has to go on.

About an hour ago, I was actually on the fence about what to focus on for my next post. Then, I went to my email and found this from Daily OM as my horoscope for the day:


Release the Past
Aries Daily Horoscope (Daily OM)

You may notice mood swings today that may be due to memories from the past. There could be many emotional triggers that leave you feeling uncertain about how to handle various situations. You might feel that the past is more present to you than the present and that your ways of dealing with what arises doesn’t reflect who you are but rather who you were. Today would be a good time to become aware of these triggers and remind yourself that the past cannot hurt you. Should you feel that your thoughts about what happened previously affect your frame of mind, you can gently tell yourself that they have no power over you now. You might even repeat to yourself, “I am here in the now.” You could find that this helps you live more in the present and could help lighten your mood.

Reminding ourselves that the past holds no sway over us allows us to live in the present moment. It is easy for us to define ourselves and our actions based on either our past experiences, moods, or defense mechanisms. However, when we consciously bring ourselves into the now, our problems with the past dissipate. We see that there is very little in the present that threatens us and that the only thing in life we can change is our minds—we can’t change anything about the past. By releasing the power the past has over you today, you will discover the sweet wonders that await you in the present.

Wow. I instantly had to share this with you because it speaks of the one powerful Universal magic (solution) that actually has the potential to fix us once and for all…to take away our heartache forever…to fade the narcissist (and all his evilness) into total oblivion. It is the magic that makes a narcissist’s silent treatment our best friend and cognitive dissonance a figment of our imagination.  It is the magic that instantly creates the closure from the narcissist that we’ve been searching for. And this magic (solution), if we so choose to believe, is right at our fingertips all of the time.

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It is the power of the here and now…the power of the present moment. If we live in the here and now….if we choose to be mindful (no matter how hard it appears to be to do it) of only this moment and nothing else….if we practice this every day and especially each time a memory of the narcissist (good or bad) invades our thinking, we can finally detach from the pain. We can experience the pain, acknowledge it, and let it go. The here and now is the foundation for No Contact.

Because the truth is that in this very moment the N has no bearing on your life. In this very moment, he does not exist because he is not with you. It’s easy to maintain the No Contact Rule with someone who doesn’t exist! And the past…well, it’s the past…and the past (yesterday, last month, last year…) can not touch you in this very moment. It is behind you and you, therefore, must release it. Releasing the past is the logical thing to do – and you simply can’t argue with logic.

That which is behind you can not hurt you, my friend. Let your heart not be troubled. Believe in this and you too will become free. It will happen, I promise you.

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  • Jeff

    March 29, 2016 at 6:49 am Reply

    Who are we but a newer version of who we were. To say our past did not exist is to employ narcissist perspective tactics.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 30, 2016 at 2:33 am Reply

      Hi Jeff,

      This article never suggests that we should pretend the past never happened. Rather, it states that we should RELEASE the past so that we can move forward in the here and now. There’s a difference.


  • P

    March 13, 2016 at 7:30 am Reply

    Reading through your blog has been so helpful. I’m still at a place where I’m contacting the N in my life, but I am getting to place where I’m understanding more about him, about me, and about how to let go of what I believed was real. Some days I feel so strong, other days it takes all I have to not have a meltdown.

    Thank you again. It helps me so much on my worst days.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 14, 2016 at 4:11 pm Reply

      You’re welcome…that’s what this blog is all about (keeping us educated and validated!)….

      Zari xo

  • Tim Osborne

    March 2, 2016 at 9:30 am Reply

    Filed for divorce from narcissistic w paranoid delusions Feb 5, 2016. Wrote this today March 2, 2016:

    What I thought You Were

    When i first met you, I heard your song
    It danced with my song
    Your voice, the smell of your hair, the touch and taste of your skin, my lips gently upon your neck, delicately brushing yours for long moments, letting the love and peace dance across our entangled fingers.
    I wanted to hold you forever, to be your blanket when you are cold, your pillow when you needed rest, your bed when you needed love. To be able to give to another is the greatest gift of all. But some vessels are empty and what
    you thought was reciprocated was what you spilled on the ground from your joy of giving and no matter how much is poured into the vessel, it will never be filled and you can only pour until the inner sun begins to fade, and both vessels are cracked and empty. But the seasoned scarred vessel of the giver has a bottom and with rest, peace and forgiveness will fill again in time not to pour but to fill to overflowing so it is always full.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 3, 2016 at 12:19 pm Reply

      Hi Tim,

      Thank you for sharing….wish I could replace the millions of narcs in the world with guys just like you. I hope you find your happiness!

      Zari xo

      • Tim

        March 5, 2016 at 7:36 am Reply

        This is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I believed in her so much. The fact that I understand it doesn’t make it any easier. It seemed so real that I knew she finally was the one. She said all the right things. We were together 10 yrs married 4.5. She works as a paralegal and a case they had triggered a ptsd episode that brought out all her childhood trauma like a beast from hell. The woman I adored disappeared in that instant. I didn’t believe she was gone, i thought she was in there and only needed time to heal, that’s what we all need right, when we go through hard times? But she was an empty egg shell and lived on the surface. When it cracked and crumbled she disappeared. She, whatever she was to me died. That is it. I lost my life my lover and my best friend. Only a little worse because what she is now is still here wanting to stay in contact and I have to somehow get her to understand that when this divorce is over, we will never ever ever speak or interact in any way shape or form again. It fricken sucks that she doesn’t even understand why, or she does and just doesn’t fucking care. I could go with either.

  • Stephanie Farlow

    February 16, 2016 at 7:01 am Reply

    Hi , I hear all of these stories of the brave and it empowers me. I would like to share briefly my story. 20/years ago I met my N and I had a very powerful experience w him and I fell head over heels. However back then I was at a point in my life where I had my shit together and he was living with someone at the time. So even though I still carried a torch, I ended up marrying and having to kids with a friend of his and my N and I stayed close friends. It didn’t work out with the friend, he too was toxic. Now I was a psych major and did have some knowledge about PD people but I just didn’t know . Anyway he was there for me every step of the way for my break up etc. Now but this is important. Over the years he would do really messed up shit and I would always end the relationship. We almost 3 years ago picked back up again because another close friend of ours died. Well we also picked up the romantic relationship again. Now I want to say that this part went EXACTLY as any other narc relationship starts out. Here’s the important part. Zari you said that N s do not just go after people that are emotional messes , low self-esteem people….. I’m going to tell you why this is so TRUE. My entire life was initially filled with low self-esteem and being a door mat. Well I turned that all around. I realized my ex was still controlling me and I went on a spiritual journey and became a Reiki Practitioner. I lost 80 lbs and I really after losing my home , job, cars basically picked back my life again. So ….when I was walking around in this state is EXACTLY when my current N , yes the 20 yr bestie, moved in for the kill. In the last two and a half years. I lost my new condo I was renting, custody of my kid’s, I’ve been living back in the city I grew up in w relatives, no job to speak of, my son is autistic and I had to pull him out of a great school district. I see my kid’s but they now live w there very toxic father. So do you see. I have become aware that John ,my N, has a NPD around six months ago but it really sunk in heavy the last month. He also through me out of his home in middle of a blizzard at ten at night. Two feet of snow on the ground and fifty mile an hour wind. That’s not what did it though. It was when he turned to look at me while he was shaving with no remorse and I saw how EMPTY he was inside fir the first time. Oh also did I mention that I now drink every weekend with him and snort coccaine. I never had any type of addiction before him except food. I am not fully out YET. I have relapsed but I changed the little decisions and that seems to be working. I was definitely the best delicious milkshake he had but as soon as I stopped telling him how great he was he pulled back and got bored. All great for me. I was also sucked in by our spiritual connection. I do believe that he and I have at the bare minimum shared lives together and I have had trippy experiences with him and I do believe STILL that he is my Twin Flame but……here is the kicker. You still can’t change a Narc !!!! Even if they are your twin. Love you enough to move the fuck on !! You can still love them unconditionally but do it from a distance !!! Please …I’m not out but I am , if you know what I mean. They are walking heroine so yeah it’s Fucking hard but I’ve been through worst.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 1, 2016 at 6:30 pm Reply

      Hi Stephanie,

      Thank you for sharing your story and I hope and pray you do get out somehow. I’m going to tell you, though, that your belief that you shared – ever – a “spiritual” connection to the narc is going to keep you tethered to the nonsense, girl. The only spiritual anything we feel relative to a narc is completely imagined. They mirror what they know we need to see/hear and it’s always part of some “connection”. I call it The Soul Mate Effect but it’s the same thing. No, you haven’t lived past lives together and he’s not your Twin anything. In order for that to be true, he would have to have a soul and he certainly does not. His intention is to drag you down as low as you can go and then he will leave you there. You need to gather yourself up and leave this motherfucker before you go any farther down the rabbit hole, sister. You are worth so much more in this life on this earth! Come back to reality…as long as you imagine any connection whatsoever to this alien demon, you will remain stagnant. There’s nothing spiritual about him…..demonic, maybe, but never spiritual. A narc is never worthy of unconditional love, not even from a distance. All the soulmate, twin, all that…it’s fake…conjured up to keep us in the queue with all the others. Save yourself….

      Zari xo

  • Ashley

    September 27, 2015 at 11:51 am Reply

    Just so u know, I haven’t disappeared on u, I’m still at home, still missing u desperately, still in love with u, and still wish there was a way for me to show u that every single bit of the things u say, such as I don’t love u , and that I been with someone else are untrue. Not for a second have I been with another, not for a second have I stopped being completely in love with u.and not for a second has my heart not solely belonged to u Ashley. With all my love -chris- th………….
    This is the love note Mr phyco emailed me what crazy psychotic ass ugh I hate him I keeping rocking rocking fucking hard crook l for my kids an my self sadly I’m having a miscarriage with the twins but I have sorrow but it’s a good thing also it better then knowing I don’t have to deal with phyco an knowing I’m not having kids by narcissistic phycothathic fucking bastard an even as my heartache still keeps coming I smile life’s funny some time

    • Zari Ballard

      September 28, 2015 at 5:41 pm Reply

      Hi Ashley,

      Wow…I am so sorry for everything that you are going through. Yeah, great….he turns into Mr. Nice Guy when it’s beneficial for him. Please ignore him. Focus on your health, sister, and my heart goes out to you. Some things are for the best although it’s hard at the time to grasp that. Yes, life is funny sometimes and we have to think that we’ll come out the other side of darkness seeing the humor in it. At the end of the day, the Universe has it all figured out:) Sending you hugs across the miles……

      Zari xo

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