To begin to let go of the narcissist, we must release the past and choose to live in the here and now. This, my friends, is the only answer to the (heart) aches and pains that we feel after it finally ends with our narcissistic partner. There was nothing we could have ever done, no love we could have ever shown, and no words we could have ever spoken to this person that would have ever made a difference in the outcome. It’s hard to accept and sadder than sad – I know. But it is what it is and life simply has to go on.
About an hour ago, I was actually on the fence about what to focus on for my next post. Then, I went to my email and found this from Daily OM as my horoscope for the day:
Release the Past
Aries Daily Horoscope (Daily OM)
You may notice mood swings today that may be due to memories from the past. There could be many emotional triggers that leave you feeling uncertain about how to handle various situations. You might feel that the past is more present to you than the present and that your ways of dealing with what arises doesn’t reflect who you are but rather who you were. Today would be a good time to become aware of these triggers and remind yourself that the past cannot hurt you. Should you feel that your thoughts about what happened previously affect your frame of mind, you can gently tell yourself that they have no power over you now. You might even repeat to yourself, “I am here in the now.” You could find that this helps you live more in the present and could help lighten your mood.
Reminding ourselves that the past holds no sway over us allows us to live in the present moment. It is easy for us to define ourselves and our actions based on either our past experiences, moods, or defense mechanisms. However, when we consciously bring ourselves into the now, our problems with the past dissipate. We see that there is very little in the present that threatens us and that the only thing in life we can change is our minds—we can’t change anything about the past. By releasing the power the past has over you today, you will discover the sweet wonders that await you in the present.
Wow. I instantly had to share this with you because it speaks of the one powerful Universal magic (solution) that actually has the potential to fix us once and for all…to take away our heartache forever…to fade the narcissist (and all his evilness) into total oblivion. It is the magic that makes a narcissist’s silent treatment our best friend and cognitive dissonance a figment of our imagination. It is the magic that instantly creates the closure from the narcissist that we’ve been searching for. And this magic (solution), if we so choose to believe, is right at our fingertips all of the time.
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It is the power of the here and now…the power of the present moment. If we live in the here and now….if we choose to be mindful (no matter how hard it appears to be to do it) of only this moment and nothing else….if we practice this every day and especially each time a memory of the narcissist (good or bad) invades our thinking, we can finally detach from the pain. We can experience the pain, acknowledge it, and let it go. The here and now is the foundation for No Contact.
Because the truth is that in this very moment the N has no bearing on your life. In this very moment, he does not exist because he is not with you. It’s easy to maintain the No Contact Rule with someone who doesn’t exist! And the past…well, it’s the past…and the past (yesterday, last month, last year…) can not touch you in this very moment. It is behind you and you, therefore, must release it. Releasing the past is the logical thing to do – and you simply can’t argue with logic.
That which is behind you can not hurt you, my friend. Let your heart not be troubled. Believe in this and you too will become free. It will happen, I promise you.
P
March 13, 2016 at 7:30 amReading through your blog has been so helpful. I’m still at a place where I’m contacting the N in my life, but I am getting to place where I’m understanding more about him, about me, and about how to let go of what I believed was real. Some days I feel so strong, other days it takes all I have to not have a meltdown.
Thank you again. It helps me so much on my worst days.
Zari Ballard
March 14, 2016 at 4:11 pmYou’re welcome…that’s what this blog is all about (keeping us educated and validated!)….
Zari xo
Tim Osborne
March 2, 2016 at 9:30 amFiled for divorce from narcissistic w paranoid delusions Feb 5, 2016. Wrote this today March 2, 2016:
What I thought You Were
When i first met you, I heard your song
It danced with my song
Your voice, the smell of your hair, the touch and taste of your skin, my lips gently upon your neck, delicately brushing yours for long moments, letting the love and peace dance across our entangled fingers.
I wanted to hold you forever, to be your blanket when you are cold, your pillow when you needed rest, your bed when you needed love. To be able to give to another is the greatest gift of all. But some vessels are empty and what
you thought was reciprocated was what you spilled on the ground from your joy of giving and no matter how much is poured into the vessel, it will never be filled and you can only pour until the inner sun begins to fade, and both vessels are cracked and empty. But the seasoned scarred vessel of the giver has a bottom and with rest, peace and forgiveness will fill again in time not to pour but to fill to overflowing so it is always full.
Zari Ballard
March 3, 2016 at 12:19 pmHi Tim,
Thank you for sharing….wish I could replace the millions of narcs in the world with guys just like you. I hope you find your happiness!
Zari xo
Tim
March 5, 2016 at 7:36 amThis is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I believed in her so much. The fact that I understand it doesn’t make it any easier. It seemed so real that I knew she finally was the one. She said all the right things. We were together 10 yrs married 4.5. She works as a paralegal and a case they had triggered a ptsd episode that brought out all her childhood trauma like a beast from hell. The woman I adored disappeared in that instant. I didn’t believe she was gone, i thought she was in there and only needed time to heal, that’s what we all need right, when we go through hard times? But she was an empty egg shell and lived on the surface. When it cracked and crumbled she disappeared. She, whatever she was to me died. That is it. I lost my life my lover and my best friend. Only a little worse because what she is now is still here wanting to stay in contact and I have to somehow get her to understand that when this divorce is over, we will never ever ever speak or interact in any way shape or form again. It fricken sucks that she doesn’t even understand why, or she does and just doesn’t fucking care. I could go with either.
Stephanie Farlow
February 16, 2016 at 7:01 amHi , I hear all of these stories of the brave and it empowers me. I would like to share briefly my story. 20/years ago I met my N and I had a very powerful experience w him and I fell head over heels. However back then I was at a point in my life where I had my shit together and he was living with someone at the time. So even though I still carried a torch, I ended up marrying and having to kids with a friend of his and my N and I stayed close friends. It didn’t work out with the friend, he too was toxic. Now I was a psych major and did have some knowledge about PD people but I just didn’t know . Anyway he was there for me every step of the way for my break up etc. Now but this is important. Over the years he would do really messed up shit and I would always end the relationship. We almost 3 years ago picked back up again because another close friend of ours died. Well we also picked up the romantic relationship again. Now I want to say that this part went EXACTLY as any other narc relationship starts out. Here’s the important part. Zari you said that N s do not just go after people that are emotional messes , low self-esteem people….. I’m going to tell you why this is so TRUE. My entire life was initially filled with low self-esteem and being a door mat. Well I turned that all around. I realized my ex was still controlling me and I went on a spiritual journey and became a Reiki Practitioner. I lost 80 lbs and I really after losing my home , job, cars basically picked back my life again. So ….when I was walking around in this state is EXACTLY when my current N , yes the 20 yr bestie, moved in for the kill. In the last two and a half years. I lost my new condo I was renting, custody of my kid’s, I’ve been living back in the city I grew up in w relatives, no job to speak of, my son is autistic and I had to pull him out of a great school district. I see my kid’s but they now live w there very toxic father. So do you see. I have become aware that John ,my N, has a NPD around six months ago but it really sunk in heavy the last month. He also through me out of his home in middle of a blizzard at ten at night. Two feet of snow on the ground and fifty mile an hour wind. That’s not what did it though. It was when he turned to look at me while he was shaving with no remorse and I saw how EMPTY he was inside fir the first time. Oh also did I mention that I now drink every weekend with him and snort coccaine. I never had any type of addiction before him except food. I am not fully out YET. I have relapsed but I changed the little decisions and that seems to be working. I was definitely the best delicious milkshake he had but as soon as I stopped telling him how great he was he pulled back and got bored. All great for me. I was also sucked in by our spiritual connection. I do believe that he and I have at the bare minimum shared lives together and I have had trippy experiences with him and I do believe STILL that he is my Twin Flame but……here is the kicker. You still can’t change a Narc !!!! Even if they are your twin. Love you enough to move the fuck on !! You can still love them unconditionally but do it from a distance !!! Please …I’m not out but I am , if you know what I mean. They are walking heroine so yeah it’s Fucking hard but I’ve been through worst.
Zari Ballard
March 1, 2016 at 6:30 pmHi Stephanie,
Thank you for sharing your story and I hope and pray you do get out somehow. I’m going to tell you, though, that your belief that you shared – ever – a “spiritual” connection to the narc is going to keep you tethered to the nonsense, girl. The only spiritual anything we feel relative to a narc is completely imagined. They mirror what they know we need to see/hear and it’s always part of some “connection”. I call it The Soul Mate Effect but it’s the same thing. No, you haven’t lived past lives together and he’s not your Twin anything. In order for that to be true, he would have to have a soul and he certainly does not. His intention is to drag you down as low as you can go and then he will leave you there. You need to gather yourself up and leave this motherfucker before you go any farther down the rabbit hole, sister. You are worth so much more in this life on this earth! Come back to reality…as long as you imagine any connection whatsoever to this alien demon, you will remain stagnant. There’s nothing spiritual about him…..demonic, maybe, but never spiritual. A narc is never worthy of unconditional love, not even from a distance. All the soulmate, twin, all that…it’s fake…conjured up to keep us in the queue with all the others. Save yourself….
Zari xo
Ashley
September 27, 2015 at 11:51 amJust so u know, I haven’t disappeared on u, I’m still at home, still missing u desperately, still in love with u, and still wish there was a way for me to show u that every single bit of the things u say, such as I don’t love u , and that I been with someone else are untrue. Not for a second have I been with another, not for a second have I stopped being completely in love with u.and not for a second has my heart not solely belonged to u Ashley. With all my love -chris- th………….
This is the love note Mr phyco emailed me what crazy psychotic ass ugh I hate him I keeping rocking rocking fucking hard crook l for my kids an my self sadly I’m having a miscarriage with the twins but I have sorrow but it’s a good thing also it better then knowing I don’t have to deal with phyco an knowing I’m not having kids by narcissistic phycothathic fucking bastard an even as my heartache still keeps coming I smile life’s funny some time
Zari Ballard
September 28, 2015 at 5:41 pmHi Ashley,
Wow…I am so sorry for everything that you are going through. Yeah, great….he turns into Mr. Nice Guy when it’s beneficial for him. Please ignore him. Focus on your health, sister, and my heart goes out to you. Some things are for the best although it’s hard at the time to grasp that. Yes, life is funny sometimes and we have to think that we’ll come out the other side of darkness seeing the humor in it. At the end of the day, the Universe has it all figured out:) Sending you hugs across the miles……
Zari xo
Ashley
September 26, 2015 at 9:27 pmI have so moved on from him I ignore him an i changed my number I blocked him I want nothing to do with him I didnt plan on having more children after my third I tied my tubes I’m just 1 out of those 10 people who gets pregnant when they get them tied After I graduate I’m planning on moving to Arkansas with my dad I running far far away from him he will not ever see my children or me again I’m glad I got away from him when I did took me to break down completely an utterly to realize something wasn’t right I let him have contorl over me when i finally ton thst contorl back there was nothing keeping me there
Zari Ballard
September 26, 2015 at 10:01 pmHi Ashley,
You rock, girl! If anyone is a survivor, it’s you. Go to Arkansas with your dad and your children and have the life that you deserve.
Zari xo
Ashley James
September 14, 2015 at 2:44 amI am currently right now and the moment of getting rid of a Narcissist in my life whenI met with Narcissist I had been clean for meth since I was 13 and 24 I started doing meth with him I had a boyfriend or a guy that I talk to you you took care of me he bought me everything I pay my bills and but he wasn’t the guy was married and i spent all the time whith Narcissist and all the time with developing feelings for him and I and basically controlling me to wear that point that I didn’t even notice one day I had StumbleUpon something kour gay neighbor couple who lived up there stairs around the corner and one of the men were looking at him like he was ready to choke down his penis and licking his lips so I confronted him bad choice are you fucking them we faught admit it fir weeks i just wasn’t convinced we broke up he disappeared on me so I don’t know at least a week or two baby is crying upset and texting an telling them to give me back my boyfriend and so he came back acted different for a second then he was back to normal and then slowly but surely like I started slacking on cleaning and on paying attention my kids cps was called on me my son got a brick dropped on his toe I just don’t care I was sitting around with him smoking meth in all the while me not even knowing it he concocted a plane to destroy me be to make sure everybody knew that he destroyed me C he completely obliterated all my friends I didn’t talk to anybody I didn’t go anywhere in the then I started like giving him some intuition and my higher spirits and told me but surely I’m starting to realize that he was having sex with this gay couple and then the guy that I dumped for him he got him to join in to my destruction so this is how did they get he set there and he told me that he wanted to be with me and he didn’t want to share me so he made me break up with that guy I lost my apartment I almost lost my children I lost my sanity on back and forth on whether he was cheating on me with that he was lying and and just we would break up and he would disappear in and he would be gone and then he come back and be gone and come back to h so recently he moved into his mom’s apartment and I have been over there for like a week or so and like I just kept noticing that he would be weird he was going to the bathroom with his phone of course cell phone Game and he would be on it and he would be texting and then I would see him to delete stuff and then see him delete more then heI say what i didnt delete nothing I’m like I’m looking at him and I’m like yes you did so I was just weird that started noticing really weird things about him sexually and so here at the moment they have initially succeeded in breaking me down hole completely getting off drugs they infected my body with parasites also my children and I am also apparently I am pregnant with twins of his he was trying to kill them continuously having sex with me cumming in me I’m guessing he was hoping that the parasites killed the babies like that how much he didn’t give a shit about us and still right now I have an undying love for him but I have hatred and he did the whole phone game with me again for like the 20th time he sleeps on the weekends but I know that’s not true because he’s always awake when I’m around the understanding when I leave he’s sleeping all weekend ok dude but I have finally free my mind from his N thumb no drugs getting rid of parasites an going back to school this is all cause I confronted him about being gay yet I still don’t know how to stop loving him trying to make up an excuse if why he did it if I would have did this an that an i know I couldn’t have done anything different I had been down that raid be for first time took me 5 years to excape to me ten months to realise this time ugh is so hard
Zari Ballard
September 26, 2015 at 8:41 pmHi Ashley,
My God, girl, just when I think that your story can’t get any crazier, it does! Stay away from this creep. He is dangerous and deadly and, yes, almost every narcissist swings both ways (even if they won’t admit it). Your intuition is right. Keep clean and healthy and get your life back. My biggest concern, though, is why do you keep getting pregnant when you’re having a hard enough time with the children you’ve already got? Stop it! Is it because having a baby is a connection to him that you’ll always have?
I re-read your other posts and this guy is bordering on psychopathic. Let his ass go. Get a restraining order. Move out of state. Do whatever you have to do to get away before something really REALLY awful happens to you and the children. I don’t know what else I can say, sister.
Please stay strong!
Zari xo
Ashley
September 26, 2015 at 9:38 pmAs iI was saying up there I had no plans on being pregnant at all I tied my tubes after 9:35 after I graduated from school I’m going to be moving to Arkansas I will be moving far far far very very far away from him he will never see my children and doesn’t even get a chance to hold them I do not hear from him and I’m doing right now as soon strong then Bern clean for like maybe a month now and I am literally so much more so much more happy with out him don’t even know I loved him and I don’t even understand why I was there I’d like it doesn’t even make any sense of why I was with him. At this point like I can’t see that now looking back there was nothing holding me there but me
Zari Ballard
September 26, 2015 at 10:06 pmAshley girl, we all scratch our heads and wonder what the fuck we were doing there to begin with. The truth is this: it’s not abnormal to believe that the person that we love is telling us the truth. It’s a natural human reaction to want to believe. It’s what happens after that that messes with us. As you know, a victim will trauma-bond to the madness and once that happens, the world becomes a blur and we can’t tell fact from fiction. It’s the roller coaster from hell and we can’t get off until we’re ready. You’re done and it’s NOW that life begins for you and your family!
JulianneUK
March 13, 2015 at 1:47 pmOh my goodness….reading all these posts, it’s like seeing the last three years going before my eyes 🙁 I have most definitely been involved with a narcissist and I feel as if I’ve been ‘hung out to dry’ a shadow of my former self.
The utterly sad thing is…I would go back if he asked, despite all the shady behaviour, numerous red flags and poor treatment.
What the hell has happened to me and my life; I feel duped, manipulated and ‘played’ BIGtime.
Don’t email me, I’ll read any comments here…I think i’ll dl the book on Kindle and cry!
Thanks for the info…..(could have done with it years back 🙂
JulianneUK
March 16, 2015 at 12:24 pmFurther to this (and any advice welcomed)
I had stopped contacting him after some vicious rows, he told me never to contact him again. Then later that day he asked why he hadn’t heard from he as he had a lot he still wanted to tell me. I replied, hethen ignored my reply for 3 days then texted asking if I had decided I would no longer be contacting him and if I had used the time (the days I stopped contacting him) to do some serious thinking.
What a mind f**ck
So then I texted and he wouldn’t answer anything directly.
It then blew up into an almighty row and he said I had made him a worse person and he didn’t want to contact me anymore 🙁
Am stressed….
Zari Ballard
April 2, 2015 at 10:14 pmHi JulianneUK,
It has taken me so long to respond to you (my apologies!) that surely much has changed on your end. I hope you are okay. Just remember that the narcissist’s INTENTION is to create chaos and anxiety in your life. There is never any other purpose to his actions. He will mindfuck you until the end of time if you allow it. I’d love an update so I can better help you…again, I apologize for the delay and I’ll be quicker on the next go-around, I promise.
Stay strong!
Zari xo