When we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get it. Social media may even confirm this for us as we get obsessed about stalking the narcissistic ex on every avenue possible. But how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship.
It’s a SOCIAL MEDIA MIND-FUCK and what do we do about it?
And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.
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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.
So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.
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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.
So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.
The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free. And Amen to that!
Jenny
December 25, 2015 at 12:44 pmOmg! What a monster!!!
I too had a narc jerk like this.. Not quite as bad as your ex … But a dirty lying triangulating bastard all the same…
You will get over this… You will have self respect again.
Let this woman have him… Good riddance….
Jdoll
December 22, 2015 at 3:01 pmI’m pretty sure my ex fiance is a narc with BPD. All the signs were there but I chose not to see them for over 10 years because I was living in a false state of happiness. I really believed he loved me, I was his everything, he would paint pictures of me, took me on trips, spoiled me, even got me and my name tattooed on his arm. We just bought a new house together a few years ago and over a month ago he decides to end our relationship. I found out later there was someone else, which he denies. Tells me he still loves me and misses me, that he hasn’t changed his mind about us not finding our way back together, but he just wants me to be happy and for now it has to be without him, whatever the f that means! We have a child together so initially he wanted her and I to stay in the house and he’ll continue to pay the mortgage. But now that he found a place of his own, he says he can’t afford to lease his place, pay the mortgage AND pay child support. So now I’m probably going to lose the house I love and our child will be upset because she’s close to her school and friends. He makes me so sick. I want nothing to do with him and would love to have absolutely NO CONTACT WHAT SO EVER with him but because we are connected with our daughter, I kinda have no choice. I do feel like he’s trying to control and manipulate me through our child. When he texts me he acts like we’re together or something and turns into a jerk when I don’t text him back or my texts are one to two words. How do you handle someone like this when you have a child together?
Zari Ballard
December 25, 2015 at 6:20 pmHi Jdoll,
Thank you for writing and Merry Xmas to you. The good news is that you sound like you’re DONE with this asshole. I hope that his tattoo gives his new target fits every time that she sees it. The bad news, as you know, is that you’re stuck with him for a while until your child grows up and sees him for what he really is. How to handle it? With DETACHMENT AND INDIFFERENCE. Keep all communications to a minimum of ten minutes and only regarding the child and ONLY when it’s necessary. Do not show any emotion whatsoever when speaking with him and if you keep the interaction down to ten minutes, this should be no problem. What he wants is to keep you riled up and that’s what you have to control. While we can’t control the behaviors of these assholes, what we can control is our reaction to it. He’s always going to turn into a jerk no matter what you do so make it difficult for him by being completely indifferent and detached (as if you’re watching a movie about someone else’s life).
I hope that you have a court order as to child support because if you don’t, you should. Don’t let him get away with giving you whatever he can “afford” due to his own indulgences with the new target. Take his ass to court. Too many narcissists get away with that.
I’m sorry that you had to go through this. I have three books on Amazon, starting with When Love Is a Lie, that will confirm the behaviors that you think are narcissistic. Because you spent ten happy years together, I’m can’t say for sure that he’s a narcissist but, at this point, who even cares? He’s an asshole cheater for sure and that’s all you need to know. I wish you nothing but the best, girl, and always remember that you deserve to be happy.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Emm
December 22, 2015 at 2:38 amZari, i know i really need your advise! Im loosing my damn mind right now! I was with my ex N for 8 yrs and 2 kids. I keft him last yr bc he nearly killed me. So i left him. After i left him within 1 month he was already living with some other girl.. I was like wtf?!?, i jst literally went no contact without even knowing how no contact worked until i started reading about Ns.. All this past yr has been the worst yr of my life!! To make the long story short i havent talked to him in 1 yr and half BUT 4 mnths ago we met up at my son’s school and he started begging me to get back with him and and that he misses his family and he still loves me.. Sooooo i felt in his game and we had sex that night in His car!! And im so f’ckn stupid bc i knew he was with his gf! But he kept on telling me he wasnt with anybody! Well that same day he bought my a new car, gave me extra money, and spent the whole day together with our kids.. It was going on like that for 2 days straight.. That last day we had sex for almost 3 hrs!! And during the sex he was asking me if i wanted to get back together with him or just be having sex.. I was like wtf are you talkin about? And he just stut me up and kept on going. And mind you i havent had sex since i left him which was 1 yr and half..well getting to the main thing.. The last night we were together we went to the beach with our kids and in the middle of the night he’s fone started to ring and it was a private call.. I told him to answer it and he didnt want too. I got his fone and started lookin through it and his fb was open.. He was what girl and she was waiting on him to have sex! So i told him that why the f was he lieing to me like he always has and he jst stood quiet… So i told him that the girl was gonna know everything.. I called her and she answered but i clicked.. Then she called again and i answered his fone and she stood quiet..she asked who was it and i told her my name, she asked me if i was with him and i told her that we been hanging out and having sex for the past week..and she jst started to cry ober the fone.. I started to tell her everything that happened and i even left him hickeys on his neck and she told me she saw them but he told her that SHE was the one who did them the last time and that she didnt remember. i told her that he was gaslightinf her..and she told me that he did witchcraft on me… Sooo i out her on speaker and he got in the conversation. She was saying that she was pregnant and he straight out told her that wasnt his bby. He also told her that he doesnt love her and he’s been unhappy during the whole time he’s been with her.. And she jst started crying even more.. “He also told her that how many times do i leave you and you come back crawling like a dog after me”.. THAT part i was like wooww..so she was telling me that she does t want nothing to do with him and thats done and she wishes us the best and that he’s talked soo many nasty things about me that i wouldnt believe… Sooo i clicked on her and you know the first thinf he told me after that convo?? ” soo when am i gonna see you or have sex again?” I was like wtff!! I told him ” look what just happened, you dont care, and you’re telling me when we’re gonna fuck?” This is what he told me zari ” i dont care, what just happened is not important to me, i see no importance on that, i dont feel no guilt nor empathy, i really dont give a fuck” sooo i left and i didnt speak to him for a week.. The next week i see him and he tells me that id we’re still gonna get back together and i told him that no bc his with that girl. And he tells me that if i wanted to he can call her so i can make sure.. And there i go like a dumbass callin her and this is what she said to me ” you again, now what you want?” I was like wtf.. I told her that if he’s still with her and she told me that yeaa he lives her and they jst had sex before he left right now.. I was like wtf what happend to what he told you last week? She said that they talked…. And that if he wants to be playing his games, that shes gonna let me play his games.. That theres a difference if he doesnt come home for 3 days than a whole week. I told her that she if just getting brainwashed by him.. Ans she started to laugh and started to tell me that if he treated me soo bad what im i doing with him still? I told her that is none of her fucken bissness.. That if i just want to talk to her i can be her friend on fb… Talking all fucken sarcastic.. I told her that the same will happen to her and to just wait a couple of yrs.. Ans she started to laugh and told me that she’s not like me…that i look riciculous calling her and talking to her about all of this and i lowered myself down to that level.. And that im just pist off bc they’re gonna get married and have plans for the future blah blah blah…
W/e jst bc she’s 8 yrs older than me she feels mature enough for him.. She feels that she can control him and change him right!!! She’s in it for a good one!! Idk all this that happene really confused me and now i feel more lost than ever!!! I feel degraded big time!! He just fucken used me to pist her off and get her to be on his terms of his life style! He wanted an open relationship with her and by doing what he did with me made him like in charge of their relationship… I feel fucken stupid,used,nasty,lost,isolated.. I feel like he choosed her over me! Bc he didnt kiss ass to me like he always used too.. He had my phone number and he will only txt me starting and 10am only 2 texts and the last one at 9pm.. When usually he’ll txt me none stop when we were together..i feel unimportant and unwanted know. I dont know why if i wasnt with him for 18mnths.. Now i feel like this.. I my confidence is sooo low, just making simple decisions is hard for me, i always have to ask my family or someone’s opinion about everything!!! I have to double check everythin i do at work and at school( if i put down my name on exams, appointments for dr the right hr, even to what to wear) i want to live free without the thought of him!! This whole community where i live is sooo toxic!!!! He abuses through the court system!!! He wants to take me to court everytime bc he has alot of money! And i dont…i havent talked to him in 1 mnth. My mind has been like in a fog and i cnt think about nothin jist about what happened. I have to many questions. Like what happened to tjat girl to change her mind like that? Or what did they talked about for her to agree on him having sex with other ppl and she’ll be okay with that..and i just rethink of the times he’ll cheat on me when i was with him and it just sucks knowing thay everythin that he did was a lie!! I thought i was someone that he’d value and cherish bc WE experienced everything together first… I was with hin when he didnt have nooo fuxken money, I had to give me my money for him to eat!! NOW he has a bissness and a bunch of cars, and money.. I feel like i was the one who suffered bc he didnt have nothing when i was with him now that he has all this fame and money some other girl is enjoying it!! And i worked soo hard to stay with him to keep my family together, just for someone else enjoying his stuff.. And he told me that since we suffered together we should of enoyed his stuff together right now, but since i left him i choose not too enoy it with him and that was my dumb choice! I feel so degraded bc he buys all these expensive things to me kids and i knoe i cant afford that.. He partys and has bigass partys at his friends house and his gf shows off pics of them on fb with all the “friends” we had!! He’s family members said that i will always be their favorite sis in law, yet i see them takin pics and fb tagging the new girl.. He’s a freaken asshole.. I know that everythin he does with the girl and my kids is to hurt me!! I also feel like i got some traits from him, bc im starting to see life like he sees it!!! I buy my kids clothes thinking if he’ll like it or not.. Or whatever in wearing i can imagine him talking shit about my clothes.. He likes useing brande name clothes..i also feel like i see alot of ppl as “normal” ppl not interesting enough like he is.. I feel like i would never date again bc everyone else seems for boring to me.. I feel like healthy is boring BUT bc i was soo used to him and the drama thet he caused followed by all of his family!! I kind of wierd being back to quiet and piece.. Idk what happend, i was doing sooo good! I was starting to get myseld back in shape, wearing makeup, my personality back together,my school,job.. And BAM! I almost went to go live with him!! I feel like god didnt want me to go back with him.. Ans right now i feel so fucken miserable.. This xmas i have no spirit what so every!! I fucken hate these holidays coming up bc i dont feel it. And also bc i know that my ex N is going to through another bigass party with famous singers and all his family and our friends will be there, and im just gonna be at home watching tv ans eating with family.. Every holiday i feel miserable bc i know that he’s having the time of his life! Which i feel degraded and i know he does it on purpose!! He wants the best partys,best clothes,best cars, best materialistic stuff, the best of everything.. He sees me as boring,same routine,dont know how to dress,fat, dramatic,
I just know i need help!! I dont want to live like this, i see the world through his eyes. My family stopped talking to me bc of my almost leaving to go with him.. So i feels lonely.. And i feeld like if he trys to suck me in again im scared i might give in, and i dont want to… Its wierd to explain! I feel like im fucked if im with him, im fucked if i leave him bc either way i’m miserable!!!! Damn if i do,damn if i dont!!!!! I can never compete with him not financially,emotionally.. He always has a way on stepping on me.. He pulled of a successful tragulation with me and i lost my own respect and dignity. I feel grossed the fuck out and bad bc i been were that gurl has been at. I guess i needed closure from him, bc i though that he was treating her all good and nice, but he was talking to all the girls that he cheated on me with and was treating this new girl the same way he was treating me.. But now i feel like he got her to his level of thinking and that wierd life style he wanted, that i couldnt give him bc it jst wasnt normal to me… Im sorry if i wrote this essay but i just need to get this off my chest since everyone around me is fucken tired of hearing the same thing from me, ans also if im typing all nasty im falling asleep.Ugh idk i just wish god can help me bc its something crazy. I feel like im going crazy sometimes.. Your advice will be soo helpful zari..
Mo
December 19, 2015 at 11:24 pmFOREMOST,
VERBAL, EMOTIONAL, AND MENTAL DOMESTIC ABUSE IS A CRIME UNDER THE LAW.
MY ADVICE GET OUT NOW!
I left my livingroom set and my bed. He never cleaned up after himself. I quit. He ruined my furniture & bed.
I am handicapped. I put all of my belongings in garbage bags, loaded up my car, movers moved 4 things I could not carry.
After 3 years and 3 months of living with a Charming INHUMANELY CRUEL Narcissistic Sadist, and my suicide attempt (It was not an attempt I wanted to die because I was stuck financially and thought at that time I cannot stand his bizarre mind games, lowest of low intensely cruel verbal and emotional abuse for one more second. He sat in the hospital next to my bed 24/7 for my entire stay. I was well onto him by then. It was not because he loved me. I knew EVERY word out of him was a lie. He knew he was the main cause and wanted to make sure I did not say anything to the doctors. I had barely survived. Both lungs partially collapsed and I lost consciousness. That experience was the lightening bolt wake up call I needed. Afterward I could feel my full strength returning. I became an entirely new person. The Stockholm Syndrome was GONE. 2 1/2 months later I left him. He tried to verbally bait me to make me cry. Nope. He made a few crazy comments but not having to do with us.
He did not even ask where I was moving.
I called the police and told them my moving date and time. Mr. Sick Freak got a 1 day notice and told about the police. Every one of the countless videos I have watched fit EVERYTHING he had done to me. My mind was blown! EVERYTHING. I Am Out & Elated to be alive! Sad thing is I was unknowingly played by a Narcissist. I was reeled in and gutted over and over. I have a history of being abused including a physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally ex-husband. I met him in 1979. Married him in 1984. Divorced him 28 years later. I have severe Fear of Abandonment. CPTSD.
FIRST Warning SIGNS for me:
INCONSISTANCY aka LIES
NAME CALLING.
EVERY WOMAN HE’D EVER DATED PHYSICALLY HARMED HIM.
Get this one. He told me he had a sexual love relationship with singer Liz Pair!?! He is extremely obese, unattractive, and lacking in good hygiene. She made the move on him. He told me
her song “I Can’t Breathe” was WRITTEN BY HER ABOUT HIM! I told him 6 months later she was married back then to a gorgeous guy.
I told him he lied. Silence. Never mentioned again.
It takes a lot. Seek out support.
Call National Domestic Abuse Hotlines
Women’s Groups Against Abuse Organizations.
It’s a hard first step
That Narcissist is Fully Capable of Killing You.
Do not fool yourself.
NO ABUSER IS HARMLESS.
Zari Ballard
December 25, 2015 at 5:02 pmHi Mo,
Thank you for the great advice and for sharing your story. I am grateful you are still here, sister! You are a true survivor and an inspiration to all who visit this blog. I wish you nothing but happiness and love in your life. You are deserving of all of it and more….Again, thank you…
Zari xo
Pseudo
December 14, 2015 at 5:38 pmHi everyone,
I don’t know exactly where to begin. I suppose I can start with a brief summary of our relationship. Throughout these three years my ex proclaimed to everyone that I was his “fiance,” his “soulmate” the “love of his life.” He was there for me at my worst times and was the first to offer advice every time I’m down…I honestly felt that he really did love me with every fibre of his being…this stupid belief makes me want to throw up when I reminisce about it…
Now the breakup.
He chose to do it two days after my birthday…via a text message. I was in shock because I felt as though everything was ok between us. I called him and my sixth sense told me that a girl was involved. When he answered he told me that he was with a girl (at her house) who he has more in common with and proceeded to shout profanities at me (which he has never done during the course of our relationship) and hung up on me. I was devastated at this point.
I honestly felt sick..I couldn’t eat and couldn’t sleep. After calling one of my best friends after the breakup, she revealed that her boyfriend told her that my ex showed him pictures of his “+9outside fling” (words used by my ex himself) for my birthday party. Infuriated, I called him back and he laughed and said yes he did start talking to her one month prior to my birthday and he proceeded to send me pictures of her.
To summarize…he tortured me by constantly messaging that he missed me but if I were to respond, he’d change his display picture on whatsapp to a picture of both of them cuddling or kissing. There was a moment where she broke up with him and he ran back to me saying that he was sorry and he realised he chose the wrong person and that she was a psychopath and tralala…
I know something wasn’t adding up but I did the easy thing and started back talking to him. He said I was way prettier than her and that he loves me and wants to have a future with me.
We decided to meet up one day…..and the day after that the worst thing happened.
He called me to say that he had sex with the girl and that he’s sorry it happened and that he doesn’t want to hurt me. After that conversation I blocked him on all social media and from my contact list on my phone…The week after however the bastard was posting pictures of them together captioning them “the love of my life” and that he was “madly in love.” AFTER posting these things he called me (via a private number) to say that that was a lie and that he will get rid of her in due time :/
Now a brief history of this girl: She’s filthy rich, drives an expensive car and basically buys him clothes. She loves to boast that she’s a devout Christian and that “she loves Jesus,” but my bitter self often jokes whether Jesus would condone infidelity and coming on to someone else’s boyfriend. She’s into photography and he is as well so they both post cinematic pictures of themselves kissing or holding each other faces….(it’s quite sickening actually). A few months ago word came back to me that they both started a business together (filming, music etc).
When I was with my ex he was quite broke and often took many loans. I usually paid most of the dinner bills, movies, dates etc (which I didn’t mind)…I don’t have the budget that his new girlfriend has to buy him all these expensive gifts…which he loves flaunting on social media and calling her “the best girlfriend ever” and that “they’d have beautiful children.”
I’ve come to realise that he is probably just using the girl as identified in the traits of a sociopath. When I confronted him after our breakup, he told me that she knew people in the business and that she’s very rich. When I responded that I was sorry that I wasn’t well acquainted with those persons (high sarcasm), he got defensive and said that that wasn’t the reason that he chose her over me. He is also very narcissistic and his love bombing was/is very strong (both with me and the girl). It hurts a lot because he’s putting on this very pure and saintly image, professing his love for God (which he didn’t do with me) and that they belong together. Whilst I really don’t miss him, my pride wants them to be finished…after all…he hurt me in the worst way and chose to flaunt it on social media….can he really change? Is he really happy?
Zari Ballard
December 18, 2015 at 4:14 amHi Psuedo,
Thanks for sharing and I’m sorry you are feeling so hurt. Three years of thinking everything is okay and then getting the Discard out of the blue certainly is devastating. I agree, the way he did it was really downright evil and it makes me sick just reading your story. Bastards!
Now, you state, Whilst I really don’t miss him, my pride wants them to be finished…after all…he hurt me in the worst way and chose to flaunt it on social media….can he really change? Is he really happy? and in the article that you posted under (Is the Narcissist Happy Now?), I tried to answer all of those questions the best way that I can. As I explain, social media is the killer and if you really want to get over this creep and move on, you will absolutely need to stop looking at it. Of course, he’s going to flaunt it…he KNOWS you’re that watching everything. No, of course he’s not going to change and the new target is just going by what he tells her. She probably never even knew he had a girlfriend and even if she did, she never knew what really happened. As for him, he just sounds like a complete asshole. The worst of the worst. It’s hard to believe that for three years he was a perfect boyfriend and you saw no signs of his true personality. For a guy to go from perfect to evil overnight, he had to be like that all along. None of this is your fault. You should be laughing at his new “saintly” image because you know what a joke it is. Is that what you always wanted him to be? Saintly and pure? Of course not. So don’t be hurt because he’s acting like that…it’s highly amusing and it will never last. Like I tell everyone who asks the same question, the new girl will eventually find her way to this website like everyone else – it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime, stop looking at the online pictures. You’re just torturing. When it comes to social media, what we don’t know won’t hurt us. Please re-read the article again because I do provide answers as to why they act like that and why it is all still a farce. You need to block him so that he can’t contact EVER. And do not call him anymore…he’s not going to give you any truthful answers. He will only play games to hurt you because that’s what narcissist do.
Again, I’m so sorry and I hope and pray that you can just cut him off. Life is too short to spend with douchebags such as your ex. be glad he is someone else’s problem now.
Stays strong and write anytime sister!
Zari xo
Pseudo
December 18, 2015 at 12:57 pmThank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it. I have maintained no contact since May of this year but he unfortunately called me from a private number in August. Since then I have been ignoring all unknown numbers.
Throughout the three years we were together I’m not going to lie, there were some questionable moments. At times he could be very sexually demanding and would often fuss if I didn’t give in. He would then play the guilt card saying that I didn’t really love him if I didn’t succumb myself to some of his requests. There were a lot of other instances that his mask actually slipped but I naively chose to ignore it as I thought he was a great person for the majority of the time (a misconception due to his love bombing at the beginning of our relationship).
When we began our relationship, my sixth sense kept telling me something was off. He was very obsessive and persistent in the beginning. Whenever I asked people about him they replied that he was an asshole….but I didn’t believe them because he was such a great person to me….that should have been a warning sign for me.
ALSO when we broke up he revealed that he had sex with 7 persons before our relationship….another revelation that made me sick to the core. I am absolutely positive his current “love of his life” is not aware of this sick history of his.
Ultimately as cruel as his discard of me was, I’m grateful that I no longer have to put up with his lies. I prefer that this happens now before marriage or any other important commitment. Karma will definitely serve him appropriately for his evil ways in time.
Not Saying
December 13, 2015 at 3:02 amI really wish people would stop posting this divisive one dimensional garbage, always with “he” as the villain. It exploits the rage welled up inside people and manipulates it. Real people – including truly pathological narcissists and mild narcissists (most people) have many sides. Most North American people are narcissistic to various degrees. Your readers’ best healing is love of self, love of others and even love of the people who hurt them, for those people have suffered deeply to have developed their patterns.
The real monsters blogs like this talk about are rare but such blogs, especially when in a weak or distressed moment, influence women to develop a distorted view of their own partners. This is far from looking at the good and trying to enhance it.
No person is pure asshole, and only if severe, severe transgressions have occurred and continue to occur is it fair to “write someone off” as useless and unable to improve. Doing so is hateful and brings more trouble into the world.
Please have a look at your own apparent inability to have compassion and a calm view. You too can improve your attitude and no one should write you off as a lost case of anger fire. Things hurt people and the develop reflexive bad habits – only love cures them. Sometimes you need to protect yourself but it hurts even yourself to indulge in hatred.
Zari Ballard
December 13, 2015 at 6:13 amNot Saying wrote...No person is pure asshole, and only if severe, severe transgressions have occurred and continue to occur is it fair to “write someone off” as useless and unable to improve. Doing so is hateful and brings more trouble into the world.
Hi Not Saying,
1. Oh yes, there are people in this world – male and female – that are not only assholes but pure evil as well, 2) the severity of transgressions is relevant and case-specific and not for you to decide, 3) narcissists and sociopaths (by pathological definition) not only can’t be fixed or improved (Lord knows we’ve tried), they don’t care to be and therefore, “writing them off” is the only way, and 4) the only one being hateful here is you so speak for yourself. Hmmmmm….Do I sense a bit of narcissistic injury in your post?
If you’ve stopped by to debate the topic of narcissism in relationships, you’re way out of your league. Love, unfortunately, can’t cure a narcissistic or sociopathic personality. If it could, none of us would be here. As for hatred, no one here encourages hatred or even revenge of any kind so please don’t project your own negative feelings on the rest of us. This is a place of support for those who need it and visits such as yours only defeat its purpose.
Good luck to you!
Zari:)
Jesse
December 7, 2015 at 4:56 pmGreat advice! Do you have any tips on how to deal with seeing your ex-n with a new girl in person. He is frequenting my local spot (where I know everyone prefers my company to his) and bringing the new target along with him and they are all over each other. I think he fed her lies about me because she glares at me like I did something awful to him, meanwhile he’s the one who broke my heart after justifying his terrible behavior and ending the relationship unexpectedly.
It’s been six months since the breakup and I had finally moved on, but it feels like he is trying to hurt me all over again. I don’t want to have to change my routine to avoid him, but I don’t know what else I can do.
Zari Ballard
December 20, 2015 at 2:17 amHi Jesse,
The only way to handle seeing your ex and his new target at your local spot is to stop going to the local spot. There is no other way. If you don’t go, you don’t have to see them, talk to them, notice her stares, wonder what he told her about you, and feel hurt all over again. Believe me, it’s worth the routine change. I stopped going everywhere for three years to avoid EVER seeing him – and guess what? It worked. And I’m no worse for the wear. It didn’t kill me not to hang at the bar or avoid mutual friends (who I, too, knew preferred my company over him – but oh well!). My good friends were more than willing to change up the bar scene when and if I did want to venture out.
I wish I had a better solution. Your only other option is to continue going and suck it up. Whether he’s trying to hurt you again, I don’t know but the bottom line is that you FEEL something about seeing them there and it doesn’t feel good. Only you can change that.
Stay strong!
Zari xo