Is the Narcissist Happy Now? (A Reality Check)

is-the-narcissist-happyWhen we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get itBut how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship. And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.

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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.

So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.

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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.

So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.

The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free.  And Amen to that!

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243 Comments

  • Mary-Helen

    April 28, 2016 at 6:33 am Reply

    Thank you for this. It’s been two months since the discard, which was “give me space & time because I’m mad at you,” and asking me to transfer from our workplace, only for me to find out he’s dating another coworker (which violates company policy) & might have been while we were together. But a month ago told my best friend he wanted to work it out! And the girl was claiming to be my friend the whole time! I think they’re both narcs and deserve each other.

  • TooOldForThis

    April 25, 2016 at 3:08 pm Reply

    Ugh! So this morning was the first morning in weeks I woke up and didn’t automatically check my phone or felt sad that the N didn’t contact me. I made a major life decisions regarding my work yesterday that was pivotal and everything has been going super well with my husband.

    Actually a mutual friend who the N has known since childhood told me that this guy has only one objective, getting women. Non victims of Ns see them as immature or douchey at best. But we don’t trust ourselves and we don’t want to admit that we were attracted to such an asshat. It is like by default we are asshats.

    Made plans with friends. I live in a big metropolis city, so I don’t feel like I need to go out of my way to avoid the N.

    Anyway, I am walking to the cafe where I am meeting friends and walk through a street party and see him. Fuck! So I say his name, and he looks up and is partially shocked and can’t even be bothered to get up-as a gentleman would-to say hello and greet me. He sits there and we chit chat. So I said ” You cant greet me now?” So he finally got up and greeted me.

    I was nervous. Small talk about what is going on. I ask him about the business he wants to buy, “It is complicated!” as everything is with him. I told him it is sad we can’t be friends, and he is coy. I said there is no reason for him to avoid me. I was an idiot! He was like, “Maybe in the future, it will take time.” As if we had some long, drawn out relationship! It was all of two months! Time for what? I said, well, my life is great right now, I am your friend if you want it.

    Then his friend came up and was odd with me. The N was like “Look who is here! In —-” As if I were stalking him! Then he basically acted like I was the plague and could not get away fast enough. He had to do “business” with these guys. Yeah right! It was a street party!

    Anyway, Like an idiot I messaged him that i dont accept his rudeness towards me and how it was hurtful of him that he sabotaged me on my business trip and then dumped me. I was like, you hurt me, but I have moved on. I am your friend but you are not mine. I have been nothing but generous, kind and compassionate towards you AND your friend. blah blah blah.

    of course he didn’t reply. Douche.

    Anyway, I am not sure I mentioned before how awful he was while I was abroad, but even he knew and called me after and apologized, etc. I saw him for who he really was, an ANGRY, lonely fucking immature weird asshole. And I truly believe he dumped me because of it. Once these guys let the mask slip, and you see then, it is all over.

    I am not a spiritual person, but I do believe in synchronicity. I want to celebrate seeing that asshat today. Even though it was difficult, it didn’t destroy me. I am not sure my recovery is over, but I am on my way. And even just a week of NC has made a huge difference.

    i told my friends and my husband and everyone from the outside is like IMMATURE! Whenever I read about Ns it is like they are locked in 8 year old mind forever.

    My good friend who has seen me through this whole thing smartly said, “It is almost like he would have pulled your pigtails in the playground.” FUCK! So true!

    As long as we have sites like yours, Zari and we have people who get it, we can heal! LADIES! (and men) DO THE WORKBOOK!

    I know I will need a couple of days to filter this, but really believing that no, I did not do anything wrong to this person, it is him! It helps. Fuck them!

    Pippi! Thanks for your comment! The twin flames. Lame. we are so much better.

    remember that it was all a lie.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 1, 2016 at 5:59 pm Reply

      Hi TooOldForThis,

      I’m sorry you had your encounter…I can’t believe that you keep running into him. I have to say this though about your comment that because we are with and trusted these “asshats”, we feel we are “asshats by default”. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. There’s no guarantee in life that everyone we meet is going to be a good person…and it’s normal for us to want to believe that these asshats are telling us the truth because we don’t know immediately that they are asshats. Narcissists are very good at what they do or they wouldn’t be narcissists. Stop the self-blame and chalk it up as a lesson learned. Who cares what he thinks or what he tells people? The next time that you see him at a cafe, walk right by. He doesn’t deserve a second of your time let alone a friendship or even civility after the fact.

      Zari xo

  • Marian

    April 23, 2016 at 3:55 pm Reply

    I am still in a state of confusion re the treatment by this narcissist man. After endless silent treatments and being blocked and unblocked on Messenger, I asked him straight out if he is in a relationship with someone else and he answered that he is. This was only a few days after he had called and wanted phone sex with me. He also called and hung up 4 or 5 times in one night. He then wrote and said he must say goodbye because she is not happy that he corresponds with other women. I had noticed that he had unfriended several of his female friends on Facebook and then he closed his page completely. I know what he is and want nothing further to do with him but cannot understand two things: a) why did he tell me the truth that he was in a relationship instead of being able to string me along by lying, and b) how come he is giving everyone up for her? I thought these two things were against narcissistic practice.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 1, 2016 at 10:39 pm Reply

      Hi Marian,

      How do you know he told you the truth? Because he said it? How do you know he’s giving everyone up? Because he unfriended some female “friends”? Three days before all of this he was having phone sex with YOU so who even cares if he IS seeing someone else? Sounds like he’s being a textbook narcissist to me. Please stay away from social media, girl…there’s no way to decipher the truth from whatever he’s doing or not doing on there. Block HIM and go your own way. Block him from everything so he has no way to contact you. If you don’t, you’re just leaving yourself wide open for more phone-sex pop-ins.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • LadyK50

    April 23, 2016 at 5:13 am Reply

    Narcissist are cruel and heartless individuals! I married my Narc 2 years ago. Immediately after we said “I do” the mask came off! It totally caught me by surprise as I knew nothing at that time about narcissism. After 7 months of marriage he abandoned me and I had no idea where he was. I can tell you it was pure torture to the point that I had to go to therapy. He would come see me once a month. I guess by then my self esteem was so shot that I accepted the “crumbs.” Each time I asked him where was he living, he went into a rage! I found out later that the reason he discarded me was because his estranged daughter came back into the picture. He said he had to make me “invisible” in order to have his relationship with his daughter because his daughter didn’t want us together and wants him to reconcile with her mother. I have taken so much from this man. He lies without a conscious about everything! He has used me to a level that is embarrassing. I had asked him to please move back home and he would not. In March he lost his job because he had “personality” conflicts with his supervisor (imagine that). When he got fired and had no money to get his own place, I allowed him to come live with me. I also allowed him to use my car everyday and I brought food and anything else he needed. Well that lasted for 3 weeks! I hardly saw him. He would pick me up from work and he would leave and come back around 9 p.m. One day I really had an ah-ha moment. Earlier that day he asked me to sign a promissory note for $10K. I refused because I may love him, but I am no fool! Had I loaned him the money, he would have just abandoned me later and I would not have know where he was. That very same day we got into a fight because he made a mistake and “butt dialed” my cell phone. I heard him having a conversation with his ex-wife. I was livid. When he came home, I confronted him and he went ballistic! He told me he was leaving and I caught him off guard and said, “hey, let me help you pack and I will drop you off at your ex-wife’s house.” I did just that!! The very next day I called off from work and I went straight to the courthouse and I filed for divorce!! Since he got served he has been emailing me and I have ignored the crap out of him. Now he wants to talk? His time to talk to me has expired! I know it hasn’t been long since NC, but I’m feeling a little power right now because I’m ignoring him as he has done to me many times, and I’m moving full speed ahead with divorcing him. He claims he wants to stay married, but I know it’s not for love. It’s only for me to be his fall back girl. I wish him good luck out there, because right now his looks have diminished, he is unemployed, and he knows he will never get another woman like me. NC is hell, but it will be worth getting him out of my life.

  • TooOldForThis

    April 17, 2016 at 1:47 pm Reply

    I wonder if anyone can help me figure out if I am dealing with a narcissist. I am trying to figure out if I am just being paranoid or if I am the crazy one here. Have been reading this blog for about 6 weeks now. Very helpful.
    So let me try to get this out, because I am both sad and confused at the same time.

    A little over two months ago, I was working at a trade fair for my industry, and this intense man came to my table and I was talking about the product. He found out I was married, and asked me “Are you still in love with your husband” It was as if he were the only person in the room. If anyone has ever seen True Blood, it was seriously as if I were being glamoured by a Vampire. I had other clients, I ignored them. He was intense and was just starring into my eyes. I felt blindsided. I invited him to join my group after the fair for dinner. He showed up.

    So being a push over who can’t say no, I gave him my phone number. He messages me the next day about how incredible it was to meet me. Ii told him, “Hey, you are very interesting but I can only be friends, I am married.”

    I should add that when I met him, my husband and I have been on the verge of divorce due to mutual neglect over the past 3 years. My husband and I work a lot and our jobs have interfered with our marriage. There hasn’t been a lot of affection lately.

    So we were messaging each other, about our common interests—which seemed like we had everything in common.

    We met two days later and again, super intense, he was into everything I like, we were talking about what we want in a partnership, we barely talked about me being married. He brought me a present. And he walked me to my car and we kissed. It was a very intense thing for me because I am married but also it was just intense.

    For the next two weeks we were either chatting or calling all the time. ALL the time. We were like twins, so it seems. He would say he wanted to meet a girl like me, or tell me all the time he likes me he wants me etc. He was intense, told me I was like fireworks, all the charm and romance. We saw each other again, we were kissing and holding each other for like 5 hours. Again, super intense. I told him I didn’t want to be his lover, that if we were going to be together we would be really together and that it would have to take time.

    Then the next day, I said, I am not sure I can do this, I don’t know what I want, and he said “I don’t want anything” And he more or less quit contact except every 23 days he’d said me a smily face or a photo or a curt “Hi” So I finally reached out and said, “Look, I thought you liked me I thought we had this connection.” And he told me yes, i do like you. I promise we will talk soon And so on and so on. This went on for two weeks. It caused me a lot of anxiety because I put so much energy and hope into it with the belief that this was the guy, and he was feeling the same, that is exactly how he presented himself.

    So finally he calls 2 weeks later. He needs help for a “friend” a 23 year college girl, who is “Very important” to him. BTW we are both in our late 30s. They had a thing a year ago. He helps her. He tells people that he is working in my industry-he doesn’t, he wants to-he lives with his mom. has some daddy money. Anyway, he wanted me to help her with some questions for a paper, and made it super ridicules and dramatic, when she just needed to email me with questions. So I felt this was not about this girl, but about him letting me know that there is another person who likes him and that he likes. Is this a triangulation?

    We made plans to meet “as friends.” We meet at his place of business. And of course we end up kissing and holding each other. It was nice. We start making all these future plans together, for travel or living. He seems to encourage me to leave my husband, be free, etc. And I am thinking, yes this is the route I want to take.

    The next time we meet we spent an entire day together, it is super intense as usual. During this whole time he’d not contact me for 2-3 days at a time. I don’t worry because we both have lives. I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my home life. And I have serious deadlines with work.

    I run into him randomly in the city, and I ask him to walk with me to to two shops. We go to the first for me to pick up an order which was not ready. He got really angry about it, saying how stupid they are and how rude that was. I personally did not care because it wasn’t urgent. It was odd. Then I take him into my friend’s wine shop, a friend I haven’t seen in months and did not expect to see, and while I run into my friend the N literally runs out of the shop and goes and sulks on a bench. I find him and ask him if I did anything wrong, why did he run out like this (this is like what a toddler does) and he told me in moment of clarity-“I am a really angry person.” I ask if I did something and he told me yes, but then changed his mind. It was odd. When I ask about his anger issues, he said “No, I am a very calm and quiet person.”

    We end up one night going to dinner the next day with a mutual friend. It is kind of awkward because we aren’t going as a couple. I was talking mostly with our friend because I had seen this man earlier and we came togehter. He starts acting really weird and whiny about me paying attention to our friend, and also because he and I were talking about personal things in our lives. I have known this friend for about 8 years. Nothing unusual. After the dinner, I am in the car with him and he starts berating me about sharing personal details about my life with my friend and also how rude it was that he was ignored and how would I have felt. It was really hurtful and I cried. We end up going to a wine bar where his friends are, and it is “fine.” His friend comments on us that we look like one octopus because we are holding each other so tightly that we look like one entity. In retrospect, this was odd, but at the time I felt like we were moving forward.

    I invite him and mutual friend to join us for a BBQ. I made sure to pay attention to him the entire day because of the previous night. Everything was nice. He started trying to convince me that I should be a mother (I have never wanted children because I was severely neglected as a child and am afraid I would be like my mom). And almost convinces me, but then suggests i do it with him, that we should have a baby. ALARM BELLS. Anyway, I am taking this as a sign that he wants further involvement with me, and maybe it is time for me to think about what to do about my home life. I had fun that day with other friends. But another weird thing was someone told a joke and I was laughing. and I happen to be a snorter when I laugh. And the N started snorting too, and our mutual friend told him to STFU, you are only snorting because she is!

    I see him a few days later. We had made plans to meet for one day but he changed that date. he had “plans.” Okay, fine, we meet for lunch. He was cold as ice. And I was really upset, and even cried, sobbing actually. he told me to “behave.” One thing that was odd was that he decided we should eat outside in the sun. After lunch, I asked if we could go inside because I was getting sunburnt, and he refused, so I went and sat alone inside and read a book while he read his outside in the sun. WTF? Are we five years old? When I left him, I kind of knew it would be the end. But I held on. After all, i had put so much at risk, I didn’t want to just forget it.

    So we message randomly and talk. Very superficial.

    I have a major business trip the following week, Something that was very important for networking and also I was speaking. We talk before I go (it is in another country). And I said, ok, we will be in touch and I will see you when I get back.

    Boom. first day there, he is already messaging me. Then calling me. He starts to get this college girl involved. This is when it gets even crazier.

    He called while I was speaking. Then I called him back two hours later. He was nice for a few minutes, we were chit chatting. then he brings up the college girl, had I gotten her email, she needs the answers right away, please go do them. So I did. He was very nice and polite about it, so i didn’t really think about it.

    The next day, I had a bunch of business meetings. I met a woman from this girl’s town who is in the same industry and, being a nice person, I put them in touch.

    That night the N calls me and goes crazy because I sent this girl a second email. telling me he instructed me to only answer the first email, that having extra contact with her was wrong and invaded his private life, how special she is blah blah blah. How then told me he separates his friends from each other and doesn’t want them to know is mom, brother, family or friends. Even with me. His relationship with me is “private”. So this is about 45 minutes. I was BAWLING at the end of the conversation. I sent him messages about how sad he made me, that the worst part was not having anyone to talk to about this. then he calls me back and says “you can talk to me” I couldn’t though. I was blabbering and crying. I feel like he was trying to sabotage me. I need to add here that a few months ago i experienced what can only be called a nervous breakdown while visiting my family over Xmas. They did not care about the pain I was in physically (I have a chronic illness). And the left me alone Xmas eve, Xmas and the week. So I stopped talking to them, because even before I met this N, I had been reading and reading about them because I think my dad is one and my sister. I think that with the serious neglect I survived has made me a co-dependent that actually wants this types as BFs or friends or anything. It is addictive and also seems to reinforce my sense of worthlessness.

    When he called me back, I could barely talk, I had this same feeling of drowning. So of course he had to go. He finishes by saying, “Oh, wow, you are much more involved than I am”

    Next day sends a message “how are you today?”

    And I answered honestly. So we chat for thirty minutes and he has to undervalue my feelings of pain and loneliness by telling me all this psychobabble crap about reality this, blah blah blah. real friends would just let me vent.

    the next day while I am at the airport, he calls and tells me how wrong with both were from the beginning. I was actually feeling okay, but in essence he dumped me.

    I was ready to go no contact, but he had some of my possessions that I wanted. So I got in touch and he made it a fucking hell to get these items. And had to call and make sure I knew he was busy meeting a “friend.”

    Within the two months I have known him he has gone from working two nights a week, quitting a very high end job offer where he worked for one day, deciding to buy a house with daddy money, then deciding to buy a business, then deciding he doesn’t want to work at all, then back to buying a business.

    When I met him he knew who I was. I have a reputation in my industry and he seemed like he was going to do this job as well. He told me when he saw me in a room of hundred of people, he was drawn to me. Well, I had been crying that day. Looked sad. He targeted me in my opinion, and me being married made me more interesting.

    and the moment I broke down, like really let it hang out, he was just done. But we talked, i called him. We made plans to meet for coffee, but he had to always make it for 15 minutes cause he was now so busy. He called me to cancel another time after we made plans and made sure to call me right when he was meeting a “friend.” at a really touristy area in our city. He has a thing for foreigners. I am one, too. Then tells me his plans. It took 2 weeks!

    Today I finally went to this place of business because he canceled so many times, i said just take my stuff to your work. He was there. Then we had 2 minutes of small talk. I have another major work even this week and he asked me when it was. I am afraid he will try to sabotage me, just like he did when I was on my business trip. Not even my husband would call me that much knowing my nerves. He also had to tell me his week plans, throwing in a and on Tuesday i have “personal plans”

    In my opinion he has new supply. And he used me for supply, trying to get me to break, to conquer a taken woman. And he almost succeeded if it weren’t for the 3-4 times I saw his rage. He always acted like he was this quiet and harmless guy, no drama, etc. But I have friends of over 30 years. Longterm friend that don’t create this.

    I don’t really want judgement about being married. I am seriously confused and sad. After seeing him today, I am going NC. Anytime I hung out with this guy, I felt drained an sad, and like MANY posts say, I didn’t understand how I went from perfect woman to nothing so fast.

    My husband knows, I told him. And he was actually receptive to me, and he knows that over the past month, I have been really waking up to the idea that I have a lot of childhood trauma that makes me sad, intense and attract wrong people. He has been surprising me lately with how great he is and open.

    I am reading the books and the blog, and for the most part, he seems to fit the part of an N. The love bombing, the devalue, the discard cycle. The mirroring, the super intense stairs. The projection of anger. And just all the red flags I didn’t listen to.

    Going NC from today, but still secretly hope he contact me so I can not contact him back. It is stupid. And anyway, I think he has new supply anyway. I am starting to understand though. A normal person who has a new interest will be honest and just say, “I am seeing someone else.” Instead of the cat and mouse thing where he is just having to do “personal” things. When I used to date, before my husband, that is how men were. And I was like that. It shows me that supply really is the ultimate objectification.

    So am i just being paranoid and reading all these articles but no backing or was a dealing with a real N or sociopath at least? I need help because I don’t want this to happen again. I have always been susceptible to toxic people, women, men, work. And I just can’t anymore. But in this case, I feel rejected firstly, and stupid for putting everything I have been working on at risk. Especially how I value myself.

    I know that I did something wrong because I am married but I feel like being married and being a person who feels no self worth is exactly what made this guy target me.

    Any tips or advice or words are welcome.

    • Zari Ballard

      April 18, 2016 at 4:13 pm Reply

      Dear TooOldForThis,

      Thank you for sharing your story…I was glued to the page. Girl, you already know what I’m going to tell you because you basically said it all. You figured him out…every bit of it. This guy is a narcissist extraordinaire and you are spot on in so many things about him…the triangulation with this college girl, his plans to sabotage you and at the same time use you for what you know, his desire to snag a taken woman and then make you insane…enough. As for the marriage dynamic, it happens all the time…a narcissist can smell trouble in someone else’s marriage and he knows just what to do. They are intuitive this way because it’s who they are. I hope that you are able to work things out in your marriage but if not, then you deserve to be happy no matter what and perhaps this is the time in your life to make decisions to that end.

      Look, I believe this guy will not disappear and you will have to block him and avoid him until the appropriate space has been put between you. He is trouble with a capital T. His “anger” issues are nothing more than distraction reactions intended to “train” you to pay attention to him the way that he wants it and to isolate you from the world. In many ways, it’s great that you were married because it kept you from falling down the rabbit hole so far that you couldn’t get out, know what I mean?

      As for the narcissists around you, I have come to the conclusion that we are never going to recognize these monsters right off the bat because they come in so many disguises and are so good at what they do. When it’s personal, the love-bombing is the biggest red flag because as good as it feels, it just isn’t normal. When it’s in the family, as hard as it is, you have to know that you are under no obligation to accept the abuse EVER and never allow them to guilt or shame you into doing it.

      When it comes to narcissism in any type of relationship, one of the most important things to remember is that our suffering changes nothing. We can suffer and cry and agonize within our own heads to the point of nervous breakdowns and the narcissist just continues on as if nothing is happening. While we can’t control the behaviors of these people, we certainly can control our reactions to it. I absolutely know that ending contact with this jerk is the best thing ever for you. He is a cad and a deceiver and you are miles above him in mind, body, and spirit.

      I wish you nothing but the best and write anytime! Life is so short, sister…please keep your eye on the prize and work on your happiness. You absolutely deserve it.

      Zari xo

      • TooOldForThis

        April 19, 2016 at 12:01 am Reply

        Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, I think I did know it all along, and in fact, I think I knew it from the first time we hung out. So, I am going to go full NC and block him. I have already deleted all his messages so I can’t scan them trying to find meaning when there is none.

        As far as my marriage is concerned, actually since I got back from my business trip, I have been communicating more with my husband and feel that we can turn things around because the love is still there. It is very easy to feel bored or get into a mutual neglect. My husband is actually a wonderful and smart man who has really been listening to me as I have finally been dealing with my emotional traumas. I want to live a happy adult life, not one that is full of fear of real intimacy.

        I am going to download your books and workbooks. And I LOVE the idea of postponing. Like yesterday i was reading a poem I know the N would have loved, thought about messaging him, but then thought, maybe later. Also because I have a feeling that when we contact them when they are with new supply, it gives them extra fuel to be even more confident with the new supply. He doesn’t deserve my energy.

        For me the issues is much bigger than this particular person. And I feel like he is the last straw. I am really learning about myself through all this because I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Thank you so much for this blog and your books!!

        The goal is to have the heart and mind align. I know intellectually what I know and now need to work on feeling it.

      • TooOldForThis

        April 24, 2016 at 1:48 pm Reply

        I lasted about 5 days before sending a “How are you message” which he replied to. Then I messaged back and then nothing. I think I am falling reaching a point where I see him as a little boy and pathetic, but there is still this ache that makes me want to prove my value to him because he devalued me. It is such a vicious cycle! It is like we need the validation from the person who devalued us.

        I don’t want to think this way, because it is destructive to all parts of my life. Here I have this amazing husband and I am still secretly hoping asshat will contact me, and for what? To start this cycle all over again.

        A mutual friend who has known him for years told me that he is obsessed with “getting women” I guess from that outside, people don’t recognise these are abusive and evil people, they just come across as womanisers.

        Anyway, it is really about aligning my heart and my mind. And luckily we have these online resources and these great books that help.

    • Pippi Langstrumpf

      April 20, 2016 at 7:25 am Reply

      I don’t normally respond to comments – but I just had to tell you that this guy is so much like my ex. We broke up about 9 months ago and I’m still reading these types of narcissists as a form of self-help therapy. GET OUT.

      Going NC is a really, really wise decision. As for the “secretly hoping he’ll contact me” bit, I still have that. Every day I want to prove to him that I’m ignoring him, so every day I hope that he’ll contact me so that he can see that I’m ignoring him. But that’s a dangerous pattern of thinking to put yourself in because it’ll impede your recovery. You should start switch your thinking to, “I’m not replying because I’m worth better.” I found that if I went NC and he held out longer than me then I would eventually get frustrated and try to provoke a response from him – thus breaking NC. So instead I tell myself that it’s not worth it, that I’m doing it for me, etc, etc… and that’s been a lot healthier and helped me move on a lot more too.

      The bit where you said you were like “twins” made my stomach lurch. My ex-Narc told me we were “twin flames” and I really believed him. The intensity of our meeting was so… vivid… it made me feel alive and wonderful. But it didn’t take him long to start showing his terrible side. I can relate to your story of how this guy got angry at the people in the shop, saying it was rude. In the first few months that I met my Narc we were in a fast food store and when he tried to buy a 1$ frozen Coke with a 100$ bill they said that they didn’t have enough change, and he yelled at the boy behind the counter and demanded to see the manager.

      Keep up with the NC. Get out while it’s still early – it really does only get worse. I’m afraid I had to learn that the hard way.

      You’re doing the right thing!!

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