When we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get it. Social media may even confirm this for us as we get obsessed about stalking the narcissistic ex on every avenue possible. But how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship.
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And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.
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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.
So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.
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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.
So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.
The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free. And Amen to that!
Mara
February 19, 2022 at 4:52 pmI was in a loving “fairytale “relationship with a narcissist,6 months of bliss and he spoiled me, private jets, expensive tennis lessons, weekly massages,symphony.I was delirious in love and it seems he was too, and it was not about sex,we cuddled every nite more then actually being intimate.He introduced me to everybody and had only praise, made me over the top compliments, wrote beautiful cards, flowers etc.However on social events he always introduced me with my first and last name.He was always holding my hand in public and if another guy gave me too much attention he made sure they knew I was with him.He is obviously very wealthy but had no love from his parents, his father was a bully, he opened up to me,it was a surprise because he is very guarded who he shares with.He is a bit of a loner, but I got him out more and he seemed to enjoy it.He’s not exactly GQ looking and very insecure, but obviously he mad up with his homes, fancy cars and jet and what he wants he get’s a total charmer.I got along awesome with his son.I did get a lot of attention more then him when we went out,I think that bothered him, as his ego is bigger then the Himalays!!I would joke how is your flavor of the months, and he would say you are it,don’t talk like that,I’ve found what I want etc.We never had an argument.Then suddenly he became distant, no more hand holding, we would still see each other, he was never late picking me up.I did notice all this time he was looking at dating sites(he still does every day).We literally spent never more then 2 days apart in 6 months.We never argued or had a fight.Then one night he just said we need a break and see were this is going.Two days later he brought my clothes was very sweet and said it’s not me it’s him and I need to give him time.At first I thought maybe he was scared the relationship progressed too fast, since his third divorce was only 4 months back.Now I know I was kidding myself.That was his way of breaking it off and leaving me without closure and hope.It has been 2 months almost and no communication and the only time I have seen him since when he took me to surgery 2 weeks ago,I held him to it, it was planned awhile ago.He was very matter of fact, held my hand a bit but distant, like we are strangers.I acted very distant as I was occupied and nervous with my surgery.When he picked me up, he just dropped me off not do you need anything or coming in.2 days later he called to see how I was.I saw it as a curtesy call and did not pick up.Iam puzzled and read about narccism.Iam going through withdrawals and miss him, but iam also cold and are not reaching out.However now I feel I like to give him bit of his own medicine.BTW he only says good things about me to his friends.I thought I might ask him to take me to a show that we had planned to go to when we were together, just matter of fact just as friends nothing romantic and treat him that way.He’s not in a serious relationship I know from a friend.I know Iam supposed to not have contact,I still love him but can put my emotions aside and use him just like he used me.THoughts?
Chris
November 29, 2021 at 11:38 amLong story short, we were in a 2.5 year very semi casual relationship, no one knew about us but his kids pretty much guessed. When it was good, it was good. There was always him being hot and cold, family drama was never his fault, disagreements at work always the fault of someone else, marriages ending were never his fault, didnt know what he wanted, I walked on eggshells as not to upset him, we never talked feelings or emotions..I knew he was seeing other people when we were together as was I, , but I stupidly fell in love and only wanted him. He knew my feelings for him.. He came at a time when I needed it, amicable separation with husband. He knew what to say and do. He broke up with me a few times but we still always chatted and ended up back together. Final discard was 3 months ago, no warning whatsoever like the other ones, no contact which is very unusual.. A few weeks later I see him with his new girl, which I figured he had. He has introduced her to ALL his friends which he literally has not done with anyone since I’ve known him. He is posting the pictures and doing all the sweet stuff which again he has never done. He no longer comments or likes posts from single female friends like he used to. We spoke a few days ago and he sounds like he truly loves her, as do his friends, that she is a Godly woman and has brought him back into church. She has been widowed for almost 2 years and he is her 2nd bf since the death. I found out last night they are now engaged! All of his friends are liking and commenting how wonderful and how happy they are for them. Could I have been wrong and he’s just a jerk? He is older, almost 55. I just can’t believe he would be willing to hurt a person like that and when/if he does how is he going to explain it to everyone? His friends, who I never met, honestly do think the world of her. His own daughter knows he’s not a good man and has mentioned it to me numerous times.
socialmediasfuture
April 20, 2021 at 10:23 pmI still think I come to accept although after days and days of reading listening and just reading. I was not only lied to played but i just had a baby from him and he left me because i finally caught his ass red handed. I haven’t left my house in 2 weeks and finally stop doing the whole stalking stuff. I never in a million thought this was I would be proven wrong but this last episode was end for me and he knew that why he blocked me and all the other crap we endure. I cant even say leave me alone because of the baby. I am waiting for that bs to start. hes a coward and I called his crap from the first time and my dumb ass stayed thinking he will change. I am so messed up and it feel like a dream.I do not know how you left him after 13 years and a son? wow this is so dam hard.