So, why can’t you get over the narcissist? Why can’t you let it go? This person is so particularly awful, why can’t you kick him or her to the curb and never look back? More and more, this is becoming the cry of those I speak with and I do have answers but I’m not a magician. However, the results can and will be magical. My tips and tricks do work but only if you put in the effort and this means changing your perspective about the entire affair. Due to the type of society we now live in, I do believe that people have lost the ability to think logically…to be critical thinkers…to look ahead to what is and is not sustainable over the long term…to understand that, like alcoholism and drug addiction, our attraction, attachment and obsession with a narcissistic abuser is something we have to work at rejecting. Nothing happens overnight but nobody wants to hear this.
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Unfortunately, with instant gratification being the fake key to happiness, to think about waiting for anything is considered defeatist. As the years troll on, my job gets tougher but that’s only because people are hesitant – at least at first – to see the bigger picture. Yet, three months into counseling, I will typically have to remind my new, relaxed friend about how sad and forlorn they were just a few weeks prior and then tack on a big fat I told ya so…because I did tell them. Ya gotta have faith, sisters and brothers. Ya got a have faith. Breaking up with the narcissist is only the end of the world because you allow it to be. You DO have control over the outcome.
So, why is the break-up so hard?
The break-up is hard because you’re attached to the suffering. Although I speak about this in my new book Vacancy in The Rabbit Hole, allow me to reiterate: it’s not the narcissist you miss, it’s all the damn suffering. By the time we know that the relationship is over or must be over, we typically all but hate the narcissistic abuser. Any love we felt for this person is now at the basic level and it’s certainly not for a lack of trying that we can’t kick the habit. We jumped through hoops, forgave the egregious behaviors over and over, looked the other way, chose to NOT make mountains out of mole hills, gave the benefit of the doubt, you name it…we did it…and it still did nothing to reign in a person who lacks a moral compass. We couldn’t right his or her wrongs any more than we can make the color black into pink by adding purple. And what did we receive for all of these efforts? A world of suffering and managed down relationship expectations...and we become attached to it. The world of suffering becomes the only world to which we fit in and in the end, we refuse to give it up because it’s our only connection to the abuser even though the abuser is on the other side of town or in another state or with his or her new target. It’s a rabbit hole of grande proportions.
How I did It
Although it’s typically a narcissist’s game of seduce and discard that keeps us on the twisted hook, money, lifestyle or, in many cases, great sex are also factors. No matter what our illogical reasons are for staying, the end result is suffering and it is our attachment to this suffering that makes the break-up with a narc seem unreal. The lines between love and suffering, pleasure and pain, become blurred and we actually become okay with that!
I remember so clearly the day that I decided to stop suffering…the day that I realized, in a split second, that “my suffering changes NOTHING”. My narc had kissed me good-by after a relatively uneventful day and all was well (or so I thought). As I sat at my desk, feeling rather relaxed and “happy”, I got a phone call. While I can’t remember the specifics of that call, whatever he said gave me that “uh-oh” feeling I had felt hundreds of times before. I knew he was trying to start trouble by creating a ludicrous story and blaming me for something outrageous. In an ominous tone I hadn’t heard in quite awhile, he twisted and turned the cords of truth until the only response I could muster was to say, “Hell, no! You are NOT doing this again” and hang up, which I did, and then I sat there in shock… once again. This being my 11th year in, I knew something had to change and QUICK before I did the usual and dissolved into a pile of mush. There simply was no time for that. So I instantly made a decision and this one decision changed the trajectory of the relationship forever and put me instantly back in the driver’s seat where I belonged.
My decision was to exit the world of suffering and to think of this as an experimental strategy. If I thought of it as experimental, I figured I wouldn’t be so attached to the results. In other words, if, in fact, it didn’t work or I couldn’t follow through, I wouldn’t disappoint myself. So, that day, as the feeling of despair welled up, my mind shifted and two choices were made very clear to me. I could choose the usual and succumb to the grief of knowing that the next couple of months, either until he returned or I went looking for him, were going to be hell on earth OR I could choose, for the first time in 12 years, to NOT SUFFER. By not suffering, I mean that I would simply go on with my life KNOWING that, historically, my suffering that occurred while he was gone never changed a thing. He would either hoover and return or not return and my suffering in the interim made no difference at all. This is a fact and this fact, by the way, applies to everyone reading this article. The decision, for me, in that instant was a no-brainer. After all, this certainly wasn’t my first rodeo. I’d been doing the same thing for years and had to experiment with something different. We all know the definition of insanity!
How It Works
So, I went about my life, going out, focusing on work, taking care of my son, blah blah and the days passed. I soon realized that feeling sad had never been a good reason to go back. Now, I’m not saying I was dancing for joy but I’m not gonna lie, not suffering, as bittersweet as it was, sure was better than being inconsolable. And sure enough, my ex returned on his own and I let him in but I was different and he knew it and he didn’t like it. Quicker than before, he left again over some bullshit, and I actually found myself excited and RELIEVED and I just continued on. I might have even said, “Don’t let the door kick you in the ass…!” that time when before, I would have been sobbing and begging for him not to go.
And sure enough, a couple of months later, there came the distinctive knock on the door and my heart dropped. I wasn’t ready at all…it was too soon! I actually swung open the door and before he could say a word, I flicked my wrist as if checking a watch and said, “Oh! Am I up in the queue ALREADY?” He sheepishly stepped inside and walked down the hall to my room, awkwardly trying to pretend nothing had happened. And – lo and behold – as I walked behind him, I thought, “Holy crap! I seriously don’t want him here!” I knew right then that this bullshit…this relationship that I had been obsessed with for nearly 13 years… was over. And it was. A few weeks later, I booted him to the curb and changed my numbers. He attempted many times to reconnect but I avoided them all because I could see the bigger picture. My incessant suffering was my only connection to this guy. Once I made a conscious choice to let that go, to stop crying and just get on with it, the clouds opened up and the sun shined through. And yes, I heard those angels singing. It was very empowering. And I never shed another tear.
How You Can Do It Too
First, understand that YOU, as the partner of a narcissistic abuser, are no different than the rest of us who have been there done that. Just as we were not able to get over it in a day, either will you. After it’s over or he or she is gone again, you must simply go no contact and choose not to suffer. You will have good days and bad days just like everyone else in the same situation. You must find comfort in the fact that you are truly not alone and end your self-imposed emotional isolation. Secondly, your narcissist is not the exception to the rule of every other narcissist on the planet. He or she is cut from the same damn cloth and can not be fixed. This person is a deceiver...a pretender extraordinaire... who will, by design, waste your life if you allow it. And to that end, the truth is that the love you feel is likely no longer real. Your attachment is to the suffering and it is the suffering that keeps us IN THE RELATIONSHIP even when the relationship has been long over. Release it. Go on with life. Don’t ruminate and spin your thoughts, worrying about shit he or she has already done. It serves no purpose, CHANGES NOTHING and only postpones the inevitable.
When you choose to stop suffering, do it INSTANTLY and you will get instant relief. Stick with it, and you will be CURED. That day, in those few seconds after hanging up the phone, my life going forward changed forever. My tolerance for the bullshit, by the time he returned, had dwindled to almost nothing and when he returned for the final time, my tolerance was at ZERO and soon thereafter, the relationship was over forever. You can do the same because, in relationships with narcs, our pain is comparable and our narcs, but for a few nuances, are interchangeable. The narcissist is a fool among men (and women) and there is no room in your life to dally with fools. Please, as soon as you can, shift your perspective or call me and I will help you to do it.
Stop your suffering (because it TRULY changes nothing)….and watch the magic happen.
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