When learning how to deal with a narcissist, there are really just three steps to follow that will get you to a position of power. As we know, when we’re involved with a narcissist, there is not always the opportunity to just walk away from the relationship…to break up with the narcissist. If we’re involved romantically, of course we know intellectually that we should leave the situation but our heart is powerful and often wins us over. This is why people stay for years with a personality disordered person. If we’re involved professionally and the situation is beneficial to us, obviously we’re not going to just up and walk away from it. If we have to co-parent with a narcissist, then we have no choice – we simply have to deal with it. Given these above situations, there’s only one thing we can do while staying in it so that we do not lose our sanity – and that is to MITIGATE the situation. It’s not easy but – oh yeah – it’s possible.
So here are three keys to remember when having to deal with a narcissist:
- Be confident in the truth that you know. Stop waiting for the narcissist to give you the answers you’ve been waiting to hear because it’s not going to happen. In other words, stop waiting to hear the truth because you already know it and, more importantly, so does the narcissist! When you have confidence in the truth that you know, it doesn’t matter whether the narcissists admits his or her wrong doings because the truth is the truth. This leads to….
- Stop explaining. From the second you “grasp” this point, you don’t have to argue with the narcissist anymore. When you become confident in the truth that you know, you relieve yourself of the burden of ever having to EXPLAIN anything to a narcissist ever again let alone over and over and over. How many times can recall having the same argument with your narcissist literally hundreds of times? Most of our “arguments” involve us trying to explain, for the 100th time, why the narcissist’s behaviors hurt, why what he or she did was wrong and how they need to repent! All the while, the narcissist stands there with his dead stare or cocky smirk, watching us fumble over our words. Did you ever feel better about any of it? No! Once you have confidence in the truth that you know, you simply stop freaking yourself out. By refusing to explain, you are automatically moved into the power position. This goes for texting too. Keep it short and sweet. During any argument with a narcissist, the only have to say two connected little truisms…
- I know the truth and so do you. That’s it! No matter what the narcissist says, that’s all you have to say. He already knows the truth. Remember that a narcissist knows right from wrong, he just doesn’t give a shit. LIMIT YOURSELF to variations on that one sentence and you will WIN every argument every single time by default. If the punishment for you calmly telling him confidently that you both know the truth is a silent treatment, then so be it. Let the training begin!
You have the power to win every time without feeling anxiety or doubt. When I realized this, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t done it sooner. Will the narcissist get annoyed? Of course! But better he or she be annoyed than you feel frustrated and invalidated on what you BOTH already know to be true. Stop explaining and be confident and watch the miracles happen in your own head.
Laura
July 8, 2019 at 9:44 amI said the: “I know the truth and so do you” phrase to my recent ex narc… and his response was “Your truth is different than my truth” All this after the repeated blaming me for his miserable life when in truth, he has caused all his problems. Do I just leave it at that? I am so exhausted from his trickery.
Zari Ballard
July 26, 2019 at 1:07 amHi Laura,
To that response, I would have said, “Nope, truth is truth. You know it and I know it.” Because he DOES know it! And that’s that.
xo
Zen Jen
June 12, 2019 at 8:42 amDon’t we have to be in an argument in the first place, to use that phrase, “I know the truth and so do you”?
Confronting them with something?
Zari Ballard
February 18, 2020 at 4:52 pmNo, he could be spewing some word garbage at any time, saying something that is completely untrue and it would work just fine. No confrontation needed.
debbie burnett
May 28, 2019 at 11:09 amZari i have been listening to your audible book “when love is a lie” and just love love it.
I have being with my “n” for 11 months now.
He has given me the nc for the longest time 1 week.
I usually do it back to him also.
I have broken up with him 4 times but keep letting him back in my life. the longest i have gone nc is 3 weeks, then the feeling sorry for myself texts started to arrive and the voice mails started. once i let him back i cant seem get him out again.
i feel bad just to go nc although i can think of many reasons to do so but my heart just won’t let me. I am going to counselling to get stronger but i truly feel that i love this man. he is not unemployed and probably going to be staying with many different supplies he has. he keeps coming back to me i guess he knows i am weak. He isnt verbally abusive to me but he has a terrible temper and does not want to talk about our relationship. he does say he is sorry and does apologize and even made the bed this morning….probably trying to make a good impression.
I have seen texts from a women whom he claims is a very old and good friend but i am not so sure. WOW i am not even sure if he is an asshole or a narcissist. He has the traits of both.
Anyway i wanted to let you know how much your book has helped me out. you are a wonderful strong woman.
which other of your books would you recommend i read next.
bye for now
cdb
Zari Ballard
July 26, 2019 at 1:18 amHi Debbie,
Thank you so much for the kind words. I have the book Stop Spinning, Start Breathing on Amazon and Narcissism in A Nutshell which would help. I wish you the best, sister! Stay strong and keep your eye on the prize. Everyone deserves to be happy and we only get to live this short life one time….xoxo
Tarina
April 13, 2019 at 1:37 pmHello and good afternoon. I recently started dating this cop, of all people, he would ghost me or give me the silent treatment from day one. I did the explanation thing over and over and tried to figure out if it was me that was broken. But about three weeks ago, we had a blow out. He said, haha and I laugh now, that he is overly frustrated with me and the vibe has changed. Then said goodbye. This man said his fist and last name over and over on every call for 5.5 months. After he hung up on me,I sent many text telling him what a piece of shot he is, and went as far as telling him the sex actually sucked because he couldn’t ever keep it up in order to please me. Then he asked me, after I said my new by for the last month has been keeping me very satisfied, he says well if you have already been seeing someone else, why have you continues to contract me? My last text got no response, I told him because I wanted the chance to tell him what I really thought of him. I said you used me, you lied to me, and then justified how you treated me. I even went on to say, your wife left you and took her money and social status with her because she couldn’t stand you anymore, your jokes are stupid and people are really laughing at you not with you. Lastly I said, women like me who treat their men like kings deserve kings not toadstools. It’s been almost three weeks now. Is this typical will he try to reach out to me again? I still have anxiety and sometimes feel bad for what I said and wish I could apologize. If he will call me or text me again I want to change my number, I just don’t want to if I don’t have to, it’s been my number for years the process yo change it and let everyone know would be astronomical. Any advice is very much appreciated, and also thank you for the books and blogs, until these things I thought I was !messed up. So thank you, thank you thank you!!!!
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2019 at 12:43 amHi Tarina,
Just so you know, I receive soooooo many calls from women whose narc was in law enforcement. Cops, overall, have to be narcissistic – I even feel that it is LOOKED FOR on the psyche eval as a POSITIVE thing. So, your story does not surprise me. You don’t have to change your number…not yet. He would be stupid to start stalking you so hopefully he will move along on his way and you can live in peace.
Zari:)