The Narcissist’s Hoover & Our Conditioned Response

narcissism-boundariesIn relationships, the hoover maneuver is a narcissist’s claim to fame and there’s a simple reason for this: it rarely fails. This is fairly amazing given the fact that a hoover, by its narcissistic definition, is never a good thing and anybody who knows anything about narcissism knows this – including the recipient. Why knowing the consequences of hoovers doesn’t immediately deter a recipient from being a recipient can be credited to the narcissist’s excellent conditioning skills and his/her ability to manage down the recipient’s relationship expectations long before the first break-up and inevitable first hoover ever happens. Not only do recipients expect the hoover, they typically know it’s coming, often wish and even pray for it, and, in some cases, can actually will it to happen by using some backwards voodoo trick of their own creation.

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I, for one, knew exactly how to induce a hoover and could often make it happen within 2 – 24 hours of whatever little trick I used to do it. I referred to my process as “smoking him out” and it rarely failed as well. I dare say that I was as good at inducing a hoover as he was at hoovering non-induced. My “smoking-out” tactics would vary depending upon the emotion that was crippling me at the time. If I was pandering to my broken heart, missing him desperately and willing to forget the fact that he vanished without a word if he would just come back, my tactic might be nothing more than delivering a weepy letter (if I knew where he was living) either by friend or by mailman or by me, “cabbing” to his apartment in stealth mode, slipping it under his front door, and then ordering the driver to high-tail it out of there as if we had just robbed a bank. In stealth mode, I’d always take a cab and I expected all cab drivers – whoever they happened to be – to fully participate in the adventure!

The problem with inducing a hoover from a place of sadness, however, is that it didn’t always work. After all, what fun is it for a narcissist to return if there’s no drama involved in the homecoming?? In these instances, I could smoke him out by changing not only the tone of the letter (from weepy to pissed off) but the delivery location as well. As we all know, narcissists hate it when our behaviors threaten to “out” them to the world and therefore I knew that sending a letter to his work (but not addressed to him, know what I mean?) or directly to his mother’s house where I knew she’d get to it first would make his head explode. This tactic prompted instantaneous hoovers if for no other reason than to eliminate the chance of a second letter coming!

Yes, there were times where I was an absolute participant in the narcissist’s hoovering game. Guilty as charged. I was the narcissist’s puppet even when he wasn’t right beside me pulling the strings.  He conditioned me to react to his hoover before it even happened! Crazy, I know, but then why did I do it and why do hundreds of other women and men just like me do it too? Why do/did we willfully participate when we know/knew that the feel-good rush never lasts…when we know that the relief from the separation anxiety is merely fleeting (at best) when compared to the painful aftermath of the next sucker punch? Considering that we know exactly what is going to happen next, our behavior makes no sense at all!

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My point in all of this is that a narcissist is only as successful as our willingness to participate in his game. When we induce a hoover or wait for a hoover or cry into our pillow wishing it would happen, we enable the narcissist to be a successful narcissist (meaning that we enable him to be as evil as he can be). If we don’t do any of the above…if we ignore the hoover or, better yet, eliminate the possibility of hoovers by blocking him from every angle…if we get on with life and allow his hoover to fall on deaf ears, the narcissist can do nothing other than fall away of his own weight. He literally disappears into the nothingness that he is. It has always been within our power to make him/her powerless! To ignore a hoover or to make it impossible for the narcissist to hoover at all gives US exactly what we’ve always wanted – the last and final word. In other words, we finally get to have closure.

To recover from the pain of this type of relationship, we must avoid lingering connections to the culprit. A hoover, even before it happens, is a connection that we are very reluctant to let go of. Our participation is in the waiting, the hoping, and the wondering of when and if the hoover is going to come. It is our own anticipation of a hoover that allows the narcissist to continue to waste our precious time even while he’s gone. How fucking crazy is that, my friends???

Block the narcissist. Make it IMPOSSIBLE for him or her to contact you via social media, email, text, landline, or cell phone. Change you number if you have to. Once you’ve done this, then whip yourself up a cocktail or two, sit back, and enjoy the fact that you have NOTHING TO WAIT FOR, NOTHING TO WONDER ABOUT, NOTHING TO ANTICIPATE. Appreciate the silence and find your peace. If you are really serious about letting the narcissist go, it’s time to begin taking charge of your recovery. It’s time to relinquish your participation in the hoovering phenomenon.  A narcissist can’t hurt you if he can’t hoover!

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100 Comments

  • Damon

    February 27, 2017 at 6:17 am Reply

    I know that you can’t really diagnose her firstly,but i wanna understand what’s really going on so i don’t really make the same mistakes in other relatioships i described the signs she shows,please any answer would be gladly appreciated i really need help.

    So long story short I meet this girl at the road,I’m 22 she’s 22 basically,she was bothered by a guy almost raped I went to help her there was a party near my apartment,we quickly escalated,got her number facebook etc.

    We started talking on facebook she would pm me around 11 hours a day,she was really interested in me,she was amazed by my caring personality,I consider myself an Empath,I watched my father pass away in front of me we head a car accident and we hit a tree so sometimes I care way to much and I’m kinda sensitive from nature from the past events.

    She shared my music,my interests everything was just clicking so fine,it feelt like I’m living on a fairy tale world or something,It feelt like god gifted me finally someone that I can be in a serious relationship with.

    So the background story of the girl is that:Her parents got really early married they probably made a mistake or something,she lives with her little brother and sister,she used to tell me she hates kids in general,it was really weird,her parents basically don’t respect her privacy,home prisoned her so she does not get pregnant,and probably was neglected emotionally by her parents all her life,they never talked with her about her problems or anything.

    She studies psychology 2nd year on the University,she was amazed by my empathic traits I listened to her adviced her etc.

    She was really open with me shared most of the things,in the first few convos she tended to be really sexual then tomorrow she would test the waters telling me I’m not a ***** we should not talk maybe,I told her I accept you the way you are.

    She was a really deep thinker, telling me I was going to use her and ditch her,shes way to scared of starting sth serious,good things don’t last long stuff like that,i told her they will last long enough as soon as you allow them.

    She would telephone me at night cry a lot about her own insecurities,telling me she feels internal pain and has no idea why she is crying about etc etc.

    I saved her life around 3 times,once her cat jumped out of the window she is really close with her cat loves her and basically I was asleep and she telephoned me telling me I wanna suicide I went to her home at 5 am saved her life,the next time she gets drunk almost got raped from someone,she would do anything that gets attention from people,if offered drugs she would do it without thinking twice it was like she was living for the moment,very sexual but very caring,she would also kiss girls act like a bisexual etc.

    So we went out head sex everything was great,we were almost unseperable from each other everyday,she came at our home knows my mom etc,my moms a doctor we really liked her a lot,she would cause everynight drama about a little word telling me I cant love her I will use her etc,and sometimes I even cried for that I think she was trying to gain my trust then she would tell me I’m so sorry I again overthinked she did this around 10 times in total.

    At the beginning of the 5th month things started going out of hand,she started pulling off,giving me the silent treatment so called,never initiating contact first,I would pm her she would speak around an hour or two then would leave the convo in the middle run and then again the same pattern followed tomorrow.

    So one day I decided to remove all the emotional validation where she told me kisess when I left the convo like she did,she freaked out started threatening me stuff like that.

    After that she removed all the emotional validation,everyday the convo durations went shorter and shorter,I decided to ask her a few times what was wrong,she tells me it’s not you it’s just I don’t feel excited about anything lately,I wanna sleep but I can’t and don’t feel like talking to people,every single time I asked she would really get pissed and blame it on me,like it’s my fault,telling me you never understood me etc.

    She keept doing this patern for a month no emotions around 1-2 texts daily leaving me hanging,I keept asking her again and again and all I got from her was’’It’s not true that I don’t wanna talk to you,if I ever feelt that way I would have told you,I’m just bored idk been talking to a lot of people lately don’t feel much talkative,so basically she lied again the last time she told me she does not feel like talking to anyone.

    So after this one day I got really pissed and asked her’’In a long convo what was wrong expressing every emotion I head and her answer was…It’s not true that I don’t wanna talk to you,she answers the part she likes and the ones that she does not never answers them.

    I told her I see you lack interest and that you don’t wanna talk the question is really simple your answering the parts you like and the ones that you don’t you don’t answer them,I’m simply asking you’’Do you feel the things you feelt before for me??
    And she goes like I don’t know,can’t we just change the topic talk something normal without questions.

    So she basically is alternately Stone walling me by giving me 0 answers,leaves me hanging in there,enjoys every pain that she inflicted on me,then gas lightens me with it’s not true that I don’t wanna talk to you and keeps the convos 1-2 convos daily,leaves in the middle of the convo so she can get a reaction from me and everytime I suffer she enjoys it,I think I was feeding her narcissistic supply or sth.

    So I really got pissed and went on NC for about a month told her if you want to have sth with me the door is open.

    She told me whatever,imagine after all thos memories she didn’t even care,I was in shock.
    In the middle of the 1st month,she pms my mom tells her I love him so much,and I did not react so I don’t shift the power after around 2 weeks,she blocks my mom from facebook and does not block me,but never pms me.

    So after a month and 12 days I gave up on NC I was really in pain and pmed her,she answered again half answers keeping 1-2 texts daily.

    I invited her out,she told me I would Love to go out but I can’t busy with school,I then told her I really feel bad that you don’t have time for me and why do you even bother writing me anyways tried to provoke her by telling her like she initiated the first chat,and she goes like I never pmed you you did.

    Then I again asked if I did sth wrong she goes like’’No you just made a false statement right there’’
    Then I ask her how was your day,she leaves the message on seen and starts with the Silent Treatment again,it’s almost the 2nd month I feel really strong I don’t have that much of feelings for her anymore,I think she waited for me to react so I can feed again supplies or sth wanted me to beg and plead like I did in the old times so she can enjoy inflicting pain and feel powerful about herself.

    Also note on the last few convo’s i set up boundaries called her on her Lies even doe i head no idea what was wrong with her,told her your trying to convince me or manipulate me”Your saying all the right words and acting the opposite way”Which she denied them totally telling me it’s not true everything that you said,and also told me to not overthink it’s not good for you imagine the gurl that used to cry on the phone overthinking every little stuff,And she tried to play the victim when i called her on her lies telling me”If you don’t wanna talk with me just say it”.

    I’m so sorry I keept this so long it’s my first time I just want your ideas guys,what is going on in here,is she Narcissistic,did she ever loved me?,will she ever come back it’s like she does not care,I just want to take my revenge at least once from her telling her how sick she is.
    Please if someone could answer this it would mean the world to me I’m sorry again for keeping it this long.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 5, 2017 at 1:59 pm Reply

      Hi Damon,

      Well, you sure had your hands full but you are absolutely doing the right thing, brother. This girl is conniving, deceitful, callous, and very cold. She likes it when you’re tied up in knots. It excites her. She has no interest in anything normal. She is nothing nice. Yes, she is narcissist and if she is this way at 22, she will a sociopath by the time she’s thirty. By the time she’s forty, she will have left a wake of destruction and heartbreak behind her and she won’t give a flying shit about it.

      Look, narcissists KNOW right from wrong, they just don’t give a shit. Walk away and never look back. You are so young and this a very wicked world. DO NOT WASTE A SECOND MORE OF YOUR LIFE ON THIS HEARTLESS BITCH. Life is just too short and there is too much fun to be had for you. Enjoy your life and learn a lesson from this in case you ever happen run into another one of the creatures again. This was just a minor glitch in your matrix. BLOCK HER EVERYWHERE, GO NO CONTACT FOR GOOD, AND GET YOURSELF BACK OUT THERE.

      You are on the right path…just stick to it and never waiver from your values. You deserve to be happy!

      Zari xo

  • Shay

    November 13, 2016 at 1:18 am Reply

    Well my narc has been gone for 8 months and is with someone new he lies about it all the time he messaged me the other day I guess it was his way of hoovering hoping I was doing good and was ok he hasnt talked in about a month I told him to just enjoy what he has now and that he doesn’t need to concern himself with me anymore he hasnt talked to me in a week should I be expecting anymore from him can anyone tell me from other people’s experiences what should I expect

    Someone who needs advice

    Shay

    • Zari Ballard

      November 15, 2016 at 12:33 pm Reply

      Hi Shay,

      There are thousands of comments on this site under each article that describe relationships just like your own. A narcissist will continue to hoover as long as you allow it whether they are in a relationship or not. We never know exactly when they are going to do it but chances are that they will just to see if you’re still in the queue. Unfortunately, we do, in our minds, wait for this hoover and never really truly move on. Removing these avenues of communication is the only thing that gives us a long enough break so that we clear our heads. Narcissists will waste out time until the end of time if we allow it, sister!

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • snowpeak

    June 20, 2016 at 8:44 pm Reply

    I love your blog. Yes to all this. I became even abusive trying to ‘lure’ him out. I went a year with 6 months of silence in between and when I contacted him, it was as if nothing had happened. Then silence. Then the ignoring and indifference and my ‘behaviors’ escalated. I always managed to draw him out or get him to block me. Sometimes, the later was on purpose because I knew it was all so futile a d it was MY only way to stop me. He didn’t love me, so nothing was going to change. But I always knew how to mess with him. So sad, too, because I also always told him exactly why I was doing things. Never once did he express an ounce of remorse or apology for his role. I think that this internet ‘cry’ for closure didnt help. Before I understood what was really goong on, I thought that is what I needed. I ddidn’t have any words otherwise to describe what had happened to me. So that was one thing I kept begging him for. I had nothing else to hold on to for how someonecould have been so cruel and heartless. So that was also my excuse for creating hoovers. It was the only tiny bit of power I felt. Isn’t it just all so sad? That I became such a puppet and didnt even get how and why because my frame of life reference never included this levelof reality thiugh I think my narc mother was where it all started.

    The worst? He accused ME of always wanting war. Of never seeing how he was doing, say hello, etc. but just always provoking fights. It is mind boggling. The last time I reached out was on my brother’s death. True story. I felt I wanted to make peace with him as we are older. And I wanted to before he died so to speak. What a back fire that was. I was told he did me no wrong even though everything was a manipulation. I will never know what was ever true from his love bombing. Some stuff seems it was real, but when I look at the whole picture, it was all lies and fabrication. I was so hovered after 30 years. Nearly broke me and my life. This stuff is no joke.

    Thanks for your site.

  • bnd

    May 31, 2016 at 5:48 pm Reply

    When with my N I would try to go NC, cut out texting, phone calls ect… the problem is the monkey dance, narcasist dont like being ignored… mine would immediatly retaliate by any means necesary; such as driving into your new car/some rediculous story of why it was your fault, fake sickness, pregnancies, push pull the kids until house would explode..

  • Jane

    May 22, 2016 at 6:32 am Reply

    It’s almost impossible to remove a narccist. I’ve received the short texts ‘are you ignoring me?’ ….’I miss you’ ….’I don’t understand what happened’ …..’I’m sad’ …months after a rage and he moved on romantically.
    Visits to my home under the pretext of returning shampoo & socks, none were mine.
    Cards on my birthday, photos in the mail, accusations I’m playing games by ignoring me.
    I have pointed out that he has a partner so all of this is inappropriate but he is deaf to logic.
    I block him but he resorts to mail and visits. I have recovered my strength but fear him due to his angry tantrums. I am bland in my responses, logic is not understood which is so strange because he is intelligent.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 23, 2016 at 4:30 am Reply

      Hi Jane,

      If you’ve blocked him by phone, email, and social media, then start putting his letters back in the box marked “return to sender”. Is it happening every day? Every week? Or just on birthdays? I mean, he can’t be coming over all the time with shampoo and socks, right? If he’s really continually trying to stay in touch, tell his new girlfriend what’s going on or threaten to. That would make things a little complicated for him. If he knocks, don’t answer it and if he KEEPS coming by, get a restraining order so that he CAN’T. There ARE ways to keep him away although I agree they can be persistent when they are being ignored. If you do it long enough, you’ll piss him off and he’ll probably punish you by giving YOU the silent treatment.

      If you’re truly scared of him, call the police. Most narcissists HATE to look bad or to be in trouble (especially with the law). It’s not a losing situation so you can’t just say “oh well”. Don’t give up. The truth is that he’s only doing this so that you can’t move on, not because he wants to come back or truly “misses” anything. You don’t say how long it has been since you broke up but the key is to NOT read the letters or notes, don’t answer the door, block his phone and everywhere else. There are ways…

      Zari:)

  • Elizabeth1977

    May 12, 2016 at 7:56 pm Reply

    Ive just stumbled here after trying to make sense of everything that has happened to me in the last 3 years. Ibe initiated the “no contact” rule once I was figured out I was a victim of a narcissist or sociopath, what have you. I am separated from my husband but we get along as we have a child.

    I had been separated from my husband for a long while. He doesn’t live with me, yet he helps pay the mortgage for my house and contributes to his son. He is not a bad man, we just got married because we had gotten pregnant and our parents had pressured us. It wasn’t right for us.

    Long story short, I met a man. Charming. We started off as friends and he was quite a smooth talker. However, I called him out on his somewhat cliche “flirting” and gave him the benefit of the doubt.

    Why did I give him the benefit of the doubt? Well, he came from a cultural background I knew nothing about! He was Old Order Amish, had told me he had been excommunicated and that his Amish wife lived with her parents with two of their kids. He lived in his house with his oldest so. He had “three” kids”…. Lies.

    He is a successful business man, owns three Amish companies and is very talented with his profession. He had a truck, drove, still dressed very Amish. Claimed he kept his beard because it was easier on his kids but would be shaving it soon.

    For three years we did everything together. Travel, Adenture, great dates. He knew how to make me feel like a goddess! He was so cunning and smooth, that only in looking back on it, I can’t believe I did end up falling for some of what he said! He was a master at manipulating emotions. I believed everything he said hook, line, and sinker. Things became awkward when he claimed he couldn’t sleep over one night, then it became multiple nights. I never went to his house, his oldest son lived with him, and he felt it would be strange.

    When I questioned him about suddenly not being able to sleep over, about 1.5 years into our relationship he claimed his “ex” was mad that he was seeing someone and that his son had told her he wasn’t at home much because he was dating an “English” girl and that caused an issue.

    Okay, that’s valid. I can understand that: the Amish I have met are quite arrogant about being “better” than those outside their world, as in, us “English”.

    2 years in things were getting weird, so I did what I told myself I wouldn’t do, I ran a background check on him and discovered he had four kids.

    I questioned him on it and he did the most saddening heart wrenching pitty story ever. Basically to sum it up, much less emotionally and eloquently than he did (he was so fucking convincing). He was a monster who ruined his family and he had gotten into trouble living a double life and lost a lot of money at strip clubs etc. and he was afraid that he would never be able to start over with a past like his, and any woman would judge him for what he did to his kids and his wife. He even CRIED! Crocodile tears that were so authentic! OMG, I fell for his sob story AGAIN….hook, line, and sinker.

    I can’t believe it. And yet, I did believe him. He spoke of “second chances” and how everyone deserves them and we could have a second chance together and be happy. Yep, he painted a really nice picture of being happily ever after and how he’s always be there for me. And he did bomb me constantly with “I love you’s” “I miss you” “You are amazing” etc., etc.,

    So, after this round of my questioning things, we talked about how we should introduce our kids to each other and we planned a camping trip…. Which seemed to get pushed off! Ugh. But I still thought, well, if he is willing to get out kids together, then he must be serious.

    Again, things began to not add up again. Mind you, he is also VERY religious, I figured it was due to his Amish background. And in my mind, I kind of used the idea of him being extremely religious as a band aide against the possibility that he would be so evil! He always gave me the sad story about how he never wanted to be Amish but had no way out. He only had an 8th grade education and his parents threatened to disown and shun him if he left the Amish, even before he chose baptism. He figured he’d be successful one day and save up enough money to leave. However, he married Amish and thought he had chosen a woman who would choose to leave with him when that time came! But she didn’t want to and she wanted to stay Amish.

    Their bishop allowed them to separate (which I found out is becoming more of a thing in Amish culture, when dealing with excommunication, and few other issues). Divorce is forbidden in the Amish church, so if a spouse chooses divorce they can never come back to being Amish! The remaining spouse has to honor the marital law of the church and cannot remarry unless their divorced spouse died!

    There is one case however where the Amish church did sanction a divorce for an Amish couple, neither was excommunicated, and both remain Amish. I’m not sure if they are allowed to remarry, but they are divorced and both are still Amish and in attendance at the same “church district”. I have met them and it’s an interesting situation and a very long story.

    Anyway, my BF did a lot of charity work through his companies. He invited me to events but he made sure they coincided with other plans I had: as in he knew to ask because he knew I couldn’t. Once, for the hell of it, I said sure I can go, I canceled my other plans. He was excited, “yippie” so feigned. Three hours later he calls again saying that his youngest son was going to be there and he isn’t quite comfortable with his dad dating yet. Also some of his Amish relatives were going to be there and he thought it would be just too uncomfortable.

    Hmmm, now I started digging up the fundraising organizations events and the ministry programs he does. Searches led me to flyers that mentioned “he and his wife and family would be providing the food for the event”

    What?!

    My blood was boiling!!!!!! I did more digging found pictures of him with his Amish family all over the FB pages of these events. Being Amish, obviously his family was not posing, they were just part of the crowd scene, but in a few he was sitting next to his wife with his arm around her and a NEW BABY ON HER LAP!!!!!! WTF!!!

    So I found more info and learned that they had a sixth child (yes SIX) not four…. SIX!!!!!!! During the Summer of 2014…. Right smack in the middle of our relationship! Which coincided perfectly with him suddenly not being able to sleep over my place!!! That monster was waiting for number 6 to arrive.

    I found out from mutual associates that he was ALWAYS married. That he has a long history of leading double lives. He has been in trouble with his church community before and has been excommunicated several times. The story about strippers was real! He had been in trouble for coke too! He had a driver who kept his car parked at his house, so his driver, would pick him up, and drive him out of Lancaster, to where his house was then he’d get in his truck and pay his driver to well to keep it quiet!

    I began screen capturing everything I found online. Then, I sent it all to him. He never responded to that message and the images attached. I know he read it but he never once responded. He went into “silent mode”. Caught in his own game!

    I cut him off cold turkey after that. It felt great. All was well for almost three weeks, then he began sending me emails. I ignored them, then it was FB messages, I and blocked him (yes, Amish people use the Internet and have FB through their businesses!) they are quite savvy with technology as long as it’s not in their house! All of the Amish I’ve met have smart phones, lap tops, solar chargers for these things, some even had Apple Watches and Fitbits! They get around trouble with the church because they have “kids” old enough (rumpsringer) and that they technically claim they bought that stuff for their “kids”.

    He started leaving me messages on my phone, so I blocked him there! My saving grace, where personal contact is concerned, is that he is currently in trouble with his church again and was told that if he choosing permanent excommunication then he wouldn’t be able to attend his kids’ church singings and youth groups. LOL. So this Amish dirt bag is back to horse and buggy, no truck for him! Hahahaha

    Thank god because I have a feeling he’d show up at my place begging me to forgive him. Not going to happen! I’m not talking to him! I laugh because this is a 40 year old man that has now stooped so low that he’s made fake profiles across social networks to attempt to friend me and spy on me 🙁 ugh!!!!

    I was told that their fifth child was a late term miscarriage five years ago. His wife had found out about more of his double lives and had a nervous breakdown and lost a child late in the pregnancy! She has forgiven him so many times over. I feel so bad for her! She is part of a culture that doesn’t give her much recourse or help in her situation! It’s all about forgiveness and acceptance, and being subservient 🙁 I hope that she can stay strong. Poor thing! I’m so glad to be rid of him.

    So, I guess it’s pretty obvious that narcissistic monsters exist across all cultures! Sadly.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 14, 2016 at 2:59 am Reply

      Hi Elizabeth1977,

      What an interesting story…and I had to laugh with you at this: So this Amish dirt bag is back to horse and buggy, no truck for him! Hahahaha Yes, narcissism spans all cultures. I know this because of my phone consultations and the fact that I speak with people all over the planet AND IT’S THE SAME STORY. Amazing. I am so glad that you are out of this and I appreciate that you sympathize with his wife. So do I. We have to because we know exactly what she’s going through. Maybe someday she too will find a way but you…you’re free and clear and I’m so happy for that. No truck for him!!! I love it!!!

      Zari xo

      • Elizabeth1977

        May 14, 2016 at 5:51 pm Reply

        Zari,

        I’m mad myself for feeling so weak and unknowing in this relationship. Part of me feels like, had he not been Amish, I would have been a whole lot less sympathetic :/ He really was a Prince Charming too. The more I read up on narcissism the more I’m seeing what he is. He loved seeing how much he could get away with.

        His children are innocent in all of this and they don’t deserve the unhealthy marriage their parents have 🙁 and yes, I feel horrible for his wife. She can’t leave 🙁 unless she is willing to walk away from being Amish.

        I did go to my doctors and have a full physical and Pap smear after I found out about his past and the fact he was still actually with his wife and me, and from the looks of his FB account…. A bunch of others. Thank god results were good. But I was so disgusted and grossed out.

        Knowing what I know about the Amish now, I’ll never look at them the same again :/ I’m not judging them all as like him, it’s just the whole romanticized idea of the Amish being plain and peaceful and godly just isn’t true. There is no pedestal for them, they are humans and just like the rest of us with the same problems :/

        • Zari Ballard

          May 29, 2016 at 4:27 pm Reply

          Hi Elizabeth1977,

          It only goes to show that nothing in this world is at it appears AND NO DESERVES A PEDESTAL. But having said that, how could we possibly know? It’s normal – and human – to assume that the person we love or are attracted to is telling us the truth. What good does it do to blame yourself over something you could not possibly have known? Blame is completely counter-productive. I’m waving my magic wand and hereby declare you BLAME FREE!

          Zari xo

  • Amy

    May 10, 2016 at 12:44 pm Reply

    We lived together for 5 months before an ugly breakup. Argued back and forth for a couple weeks till i went into nc. Is it hoovering to contact me after 2 weeks of nc and start texting me and send pictures for a week then just stop responding?

    • Zari Ballard

      May 14, 2016 at 2:37 am Reply

      Hi Amy,

      Yes, it’s hoovering alright and the abrupt stop is all part of it. You need to BLOCK him so that he can’t text you and send pictures even if he wants to. Blocking at all avenues (to the best of your ability) is the key to No Contact.

      Zari xo

      • Amy

        August 10, 2016 at 8:29 am Reply

        Thanks I just saw this reply months later after stupidly getting back with him letting him take me on a vacation and was planning to move back home to him. Then found out his lame ass was active on dating sites. I confronted him and poof lol. Haven’t heard from him in 3 weeks. Imagine that. I think he’ll stay gone this time though.

    • Jenmy

      June 25, 2016 at 2:07 am Reply

      Like a fragile vase that had been dropped,
      I was shattered in pieces when I met you.

      You were a bit broken yourself, and between the two of us,
      I romanticized the illusion that our broken pieces could come together
      so we could each be whole again.

      But your pieces hurt; they cut me with your sharpness, broken dates, unanswered calls, “forgetting” to call, and at the end, utterly failing to acknowledge my entire existence. Your pieces sliced into my already troubled heart and damaged Spirit.

      For a moment, I had had dreams, hope, and faith in romantic love and companionship.
      My damaged insides had begun to heal with your protective touch and empty promises.

      Every sense flooded me with emotion I have never before felt:
      My eyes looked so deeply into those vulnerable and loving blue eyes of yours, as I felt our truths were expressed within a mere glance at each other.

      When you were so ill and vulnerable, you trusted me to be there and I was privileged to watch you sleep. I studied every contour of your peaceful beautiful face as you slept, all the while you were subconsciously playing with my hair, along with grabbing my hand to place in yours during those few dark and beautiful nights in which you let me in.

      Your smell was the perfect mixture of masculinity and tenderness. It moved parts of my mind and body that I did not know existed.

      Your voice whispered the most beautiful words I have ever heard. Hearing those words transcended all doubt that you loved me and that I would be safe in giving you the honor of protecting my heart.

      Whether those words were lies or half truths, I know now I misunderstood the most important part of it all. Words can be said to make me fall in love, but without action behind them, they are meaningless platitudes.

      With regard to touch, I can say that your hugs and affection created in me feelings of infinite safety and security that required no words, nor any weapons. You could protect my gentle heart with just your embrace.

      The loving touch in intimate moments is far too painful to think about.

      Finally, the literal taste of your lips and kisses on the skin will forever remain in the crevices of my memory and how I long for another delicious taste…

      and then there is the hardest of all to admit…

      I experienced a figurative taste of what happiness and love felt like. In retrospecT, I was so much better off not knowing true love and just bopping along ignorant and unaware that feelings so strong do exist. The short lived taste of perfection will fuck me up for years. There is now a part of my soul that knows it can experience a beautiful, respectful, stimulating, trusting, passionate and loving relationship. Now that I have a taste for it, how will anything else ever be good enough?

      fuck; how was I so wrong and gullible? My inner bullshit detector failed across the board.

      When I gave up fighting the losing battle to put us perfectly together, I focused on putting my own pieces back together as one.

      The problem with that is that I’m missing the pieces that represent my heart, hopes, and faith in man. You took those pieces of me and mangled them so badly, I will need time to make new ones on my own. For my heart, soul, hopes and trust have been so altered that they don’t fit in me, or that damned vase, anymore.

      Go ahead and keep them; I need to make new ones on my own this time.

      In the meantime, don’t touch the parts that did remain intact. I was able to retain a little self dignity and compassion for others. No matter how much I want to give everything to you to fix, my head knows that my remaining good pieces will be further damaged and cut by your illusory “support”.

      So keep the broken crap: yours and mine.
      I will remake my self, but this time with a stronger foundation, unbreakable walls and protective outside layers so that my precious inside pieces will not be subjected to harm again, nor will I be hurt by anyone’s bullshit. And bullshit you are, despite the pretty package.

      Thank you for the lesson. I just wonder how you faked it so perfectly. I guess we are both just pathetic stereotypes of ourselves.

      Love always, anonymous.

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