Narcissistic hoovering so often becomes our epic downfall after a break-up with an N simply because we allow it so easily to lure us back to the abyss. It is this hoovering – this preferred narcissistic tactic of our toxic insignificant other – that invariably sucks us in for another no-win round of cat and mouse time after time after time. It is the hoovering that gets the best of us – more often than not – and makes it nearly impossible for us to put an end to the narcissistic nonsense.
Why do narcissist’s hoover and why does it appear to have such a hypnotic effect on the broken-hearted? I mean, how can this be considering that he who hoovers is, without a doubt, the perpetrator of the original crime? Why do the victims of a narcissist not only expect to be hoovered but will even wait for it, hope for it, and even beg for it at some point in the relationship? Because there are always a slew of questions about the hoovering maneuver in the wonderful emails I receive from website visitors and from readers of my book, I thought the time was right to create the following Hoovering Q & A:
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What exactly is hoovering?
Hoovering is an “action” that describes how a narcissist tries to weasel his way back into your life after a break-up or after he’s vanished for a period of time (i.e. a silent treatment). A “hoover” is the tactic he uses to do it.
What are hoovering tactics?
Hoovering tactics, which come in many forms (text message, email, letter or card, by proxy via someone else, phone call/voice mail, etc.), are always deliberately subtle at first in order to hide the deception behind it. How the hoovers continue is based upon your response to the first few. Also, because each relationship is unique and your narcissist has created a mental list of all the special things he can use to tug at your heart strings or pull on your conscience, he or she will combine/include what he knows about you with his hoovering methods.
So, for example, text message hoovering tactics out-of-the-blue after a silent treatment could involve:
- text messages pretending to be oh-so-sweet: “Hi. How are u? Are u ok?” or “R u there?” or “Hey, it’s me:(“
- text messages on special occasions: “Its my b’day. Really miss u being here” or “Happy b’day. Wish I was there”
- text messages about the kids (especially if they’re not his): “Hi. I was thinking about Joey today. Is he ok?” or “I know u hate me but wanna wish Suzie a Happy 8th b’day”
- text messages about a convenient upcoming event: “Foo Fighters r coming. Wanna go? Couldn’t go w/o u”” or “R u going to Maggie’s wedding?”
- text messages about things you like to do that he’s never been interested in doing with you before (one of my ex’s favorites): “Hey, I was thinking, wanna go bowl a few strings?” or “Hey wud u like to go for a drink?”
- text messages about bogus family illnesses (including his own) (another of my ex’s favorites): “My mom had a stroke. need to talk to u” or “I don’t no, think I might have cancer. Can I c u?”
- text messages about sex: “Don’t u miss us being together?”
- text messages that attempt to flip the hoover back on you: “Did u just text me?” or “Did you just call me?” or “Did u just drive by?”
- text messages, when all else fails, making bogus accusations to get some type of emotional response (my ex’s all time favorite and it usually worked): “I know what u did” or “U better tell ur boyfriend to stop calling me” or “I know u hacked into my fone” or ” or “I’ve moved on. Why r u bugging me?”
All of the above can be swapped for use in emails, letters, notes taped to cars, voice mails…you get the idea. The point is..it’s all a crock of shit to get a response from you so that communication is initiated and he can worm his way back into your life.
Why does a narcissist begin to hoover?
A narcissist hoovers for a few different reasons (none of them good, by the way) but the main one is to keep you from ever moving on from the pain that he caused you. Successful hoovering (i.e. you responding) keeps you in the queue with all of the narcissist’s other victims (and there are always others) and this, in turn, ensures that he will never run out of narcissistic supply.
What has happened to the narcissist for him to start the hoovering?
A narcissist only hoovers because things aren’t going his way wherever he’s at – and that’s the only reason. So, if the narcissist in your life starts hoovering suddenly after a long (or brief) absence, it’s because 1) he’s had enough fun with whoever he left you for, 2) his current fling did something he didn’t like and he’s getting ready to blow her off, 3) his current fling is getting too close to finding out about you or others and he knows the end is near anyway, or 4) he’s in need of something you’ve got (i.e. money, transportation, sex, etc.)
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What will happen if I fall for his hoovering tactics?
He will expect the relationship to pick up where it left off with no repercussions from you and the next time he leaves (and he will leave again) he’ll make sure it’s more painful for you than the time before. Nothing good ever comes from falling for a hoover.
And it only takes one (1) response from you for the hoover to be successful. If you notice, a narcissist will often hoover with a text or email or phone call that gives you hope and then, as soon as you respond in kind, he disappears. That’s his way of just checking on your status in his queue of victims – and then he goes back to whatever or whoever he was doing.
Is it ever possible that the narcissist really misses me and feels bad about what he did?
No. A narcissist has no conscience and, although he knows the difference between right and wrong, he doesn’t care about that. He doesn’t miss you or love you or miss the kids or have nostalgic thoughts (not like we do anyway) or feel sorry for what he did or for hurting you. Nope, it’s none of that. He might be missing the sex but that will only be temporary because after you’ve let him back in, he will eventually leave again to go back to wherever he was because he now misses that sex.
Well, I hope the above clarifies the hoovering method of the narcissist a little. As always, no contact is the only way to rid yourself of the narcissist. The more we understand the reasoning behind each and every hoover and that it’s all a big crock of shit, the better our chances of recognizing and ignoring future hoovers.
SillyRabbit
February 9, 2018 at 12:33 pmHi,
I would love some advice. I am certain that i was in a realationship with a narc i need a second some advice. Long story…….. My narc reached out to me via facebook we used to go to school together. He has 2 children and advised me that he and his kids mother were no longer together and he wanted nothing but to co-parent with her. The love bombing was so intense and quick after about 2 weeks he was telling me he loved and by 1 month he moved in and at 2 months he moved myself and my children to a house. He begged me to quit my job stating i no longer needed it he would make sure the kids and i were ok. We talked about marriage constantly planned for our future talked about buying houses the whole 9. I thought he was my soulmate as he so kindly stated all the time. He loved to say i was the female version of him. Our relationship started in Jan. By April I started to realize that something was still going on with him and the kids mother. I questioned him he yelled at me which he never did and said he was going to leave. We somehow made up but things did not go back to normal. He tells me he is leaving and will be back after a month he needed some space and he would still pay the bills and come see me until he comes home. Well the day he was supposed to leave it turned into a diaster. He waited til I wasnt home and took our dog he bought for me and the kids the tv he got me and lef the house a mess. I came home in the middle and ruined it saw he and his friends jump in the car and pull off right in front of me. I go in and discover all the things gone and my precious dog and all her stuff gone. He left me and the kids no money and i had nothing. I was devestated never been treated this way in my whole life. He blocked my number i was reduced to reaching out to him thru social media. 3 days later he had his uncle to call and so called check on me and said he was going to bring money and never did. A week later the uncle calls again saying he really wanted to talk to me and apologize for how he left. Mind you i still had our dogs certification paper he didnt get everything when he left cause i came home. He left may2 right before his birthday and by may 7th his kids mother was flaunting them on Facebook. Needless to say he moved back in with her his plan the whole time. They were out shopping at espensive places meanwhile me and my kids were high and dry. May 14 mothers day 2017 he reached out to me via a long text. Apologizing saying how much he missed me and wanted to come home. So i slowly let my gaurd down to try and save face with the kids mom cause I was humiliated and i needed money. So after that day he was coming to see me daily and bringing money for us. Kept promising to come home. He was gone for a total 1 month and 3 weeks. At one point while he was gone he went silent on me for a week because I called him out and asked why he was still there with her if he wanted to come home to me. So june 28th he came back home. Prmomised it would never happen again. That he loved me and i never had to worry about her again. I wanted and did believe him for whatever reason. Shortly after his return home his kids mother started posting sublimal messages on FB and i saw ofcourse. indicating that they were still sleeping together. I confronted him about it he flew in a rage and hit me so hard in my face i was in shock. I had never seen this side of him before. This dynamic continued for the next few months she continued taunting me and he was lying and trying to make me seem crazy and the kids mother childish and petty and jealous. He would abuse me everytime I mentioned him cheating he has literally pulled my hair out from the root. He would then go so calm and even comfort me when he was back to normal. By Nov the truth had come out I found out not only was he sleeping with her the entire time but also done so in my car and while i had thier children. He had her thinking he paid no bills becuase by this time i was back working. I had shared with him that i had a fear that he would leave like he did the first time i would come home from work and he would be gone. At work I had so much anxiety i couldnt even concentrate I knew he was lying but he was so convincing that i was being insecure but my intution is so strong i knew he was lying and couldnt prove it. He would beat me to prove that he wasnt cheating and then come to find out everything i accused him of was infact true. So i asked him to leave. He then started calling me all kinds of names talking really nasty to me like never before and refused to leave. After 2 days he finally left for 2 nights. Texted me at 4 am one of the nights and i ignored it. Sunday night rollls around and we texted all night. I then packed all his things and had it sitting out waiting for his return. I went to work. He then starts telling me how mch he loved me and that we would get thru this i advised we wouldnt. When i came home all his things were unpacked and back in the closet. He pleaded with me for 2 weeks to forgive him even cried first time i saw that. Well my son got sick and had to stay home Nov 28 2017 and i left him there with this man. I called checked on him he was stated he was fine and playing. He was telling me he loves me. I get a call from the daycare around 115 that day asking me when i was coming to get my son cause he couldnt be there sick. I was so lost. I explained he is not there he is home. I call him he does not answer. I rush to the daycare and then home. To find him gone all of his things some of mine. He went so far as to take the bed the bed that he threw my brand new one out for . He left me on the floor. He took our new washer and dryer and replaced it with the kids mother old dirty set. And wouldnt take my calls. He didnt give my son and medicine or didnt even feed him while i was gone. Blocked me on all social media. I am friends with his sister and had become really cool with his family who were all in shock. Couple days later i spoke to kids mother he had told her all kinds of horrible things about me as he did the oppisite of her. I couldnt believe it. She posted 3 weeks later thier family pics on Facebook and has since posted tons of taunting things on social media. Bare in mind she has been dealing with him for 10 years and from what i was told he has gone so far as to sleep with her first cousin and she still stayed with him. I have not heard a word from him. Mid Jan I noticed he unbloced me on IG because I had a video up that kept getting viewed. And checked to see if he had unblocked me and he had. I left him unblocked thinking he was going to see me happy and hoover which personally I dont know why i wanted him to i just couldnt believe he threw me and my children away like thrash. After living with us almost a year. Finally he met with his mother who had been at odds with him about the situation and other horrible things he had said about her. I exposed the truth to her and his sister from the abuse and all. he had began his smear campaign saying i would get drunk and beg him and cry whe n he wanted to leave me and leave my kids with him. So he had to leave that way basically saying i was obbsessed with me. Lies all lies he slandered my name. So once i heard of this i went and blocked him on IG. I was devestated i thought its now been 2 months maybe he feels bad but nope he didnt its been a little over 2 months now. and i feel lost. IS he now going to marry her? They have been laghing at me this whole time? Is he not a narc and just a creep? But all this stuff lead me here. Will he leave her again and do this to another woman. Was this the final discard and i should not expect a hoover? Please help !
Carolyn
February 8, 2018 at 9:50 amAdvice needed. Have been successfully no contact for 8 months. Blocked phone, e mail, social media ! Hoorah. Today the ex was in my local park. I was with my 2 dogs one of whom he sees as ours. When I realised it was him I tried to go in opposite direction. He called the dog over and said dog was ‘delighted’ to see him. I am concerned this is the behinnning if a ‘hoover’ attempt. No way will it work. Advice needed on what I should do/ say if he turns up again either in park of at my house. If it’s my house I can just not answer door but in a public place ??? J was so not expecting this ! Even though I read about it. What’s the best way for me to respond so as to get him to leave me and the dog alone ! Thanks
Carla
January 25, 2018 at 9:27 pmThis is to Travis. Travis, after being with a Narcissist for 19 of the most miserable, confusing, chaotic months of my life… Your comment was ridicules. They are exactly as the article states. Period. My narc was so exactly like this. To the letter. Time frames of ghosting, silent treatment, discard, hovering. I had to ask the question… is there a book out there that these people read and then go and act out? A guide book? It is real, it is ridicules and it is life changing for the victim. I was a victim. I got taken for over 30k, lied to cheated on, hovered and devalued and discarded. He did it like he was painting by numbers. Please do some research. I did, months and months of reading and videos. It sounds like you are a narcissist because only a person with the mentality of one would spout what you spouted. Good luck.
Mcm
November 29, 2017 at 11:58 pmI wanted to say thank you for this post. I started reading about hoovering and narcissism again just recently, when the narc reached out to me on an online dating site…after 3 years of no contact (NC). He discarded me twice before I finally decided to go radio silent on him.
He pulled the selective memory card, sending a very casual, seemingly inconsequential message with no acknowledgement of our history. Deactivated my account on the spot.
I think that if you’ve experienced narc abuse, going NC and staying NC is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Of course, not all of us can do this, especially those who need to co-parent with a narc. But I believe that even limited contact can do wonders for one’s well-being.
Zari Ballard
December 3, 2017 at 4:46 pmMcm wrote…I think that if you’ve experienced narc abuse, going NC and staying NC is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Of course, not all of us can do this, especially those who need to co-parent with a narc. But I believe that even limited contact can do wonders for one’s well-being.
Amen to that!!! So true, so true…..
littlevoice
June 7, 2017 at 10:10 pmI am at the end of my ‘run in’ with a Narcissist. He was my Musical Director and Singing Teacher. We are both married, and I fell VERY quickly for his charms…..the Love Bombing Stage was not a very long process with me, I already worshiped him. I noticed the manipulation techniques very early on as I am a psych student Majoring in Profiling and I STILL was completely conditioned and obsessed with him even while being aware.
Over the course of 8 months, we never got to the point of a sexual relationship though he cryptically would tease me that it was coming if I had patience and followed the ‘rules’ that he would issue to me via subtext and through song choices (he has had many mistresses in the past). During the Devaluation Phase, he was preparing me for the Discard with songs about affairs/relationships ending and learning how to ‘Hide Your Feelings’. He, myself, and his wife were all working together in the Theatre Company 4 days a week so it was all very risky.
I questioned the nature of our relationship via text stating that I felt like I was being pushed and pulled, he touched me in a way that was subtle but intimate, there was flirtations, and we were messaging each other late into the nights where the next day at the Theatre he would act like I didn’t even exist to him. I asked him to clarify if we ‘were friends or not friends’ because I couldn’t handle being lead up a garden path and all the confusion.
That night, at reheasals, he approached me and tried to completely gaslight me, saying my attentions were ‘unwanted’ and that I needed to stop! I mirrored and became aggressive back saying it ‘WAS unwanted’ and HE needed to stop! He cancelled my lessons, I became distressed, we were both pulled into separate meetings with our Theatre Company Committee and were individually advised that there are rumours we were having an affair and now there is animosity. We both denied this but my discomfort and distress grew, I was messaging him every 3 days to please talk to me and acknowledge me. He then vilified me to the Board members of the Music Conservatorium (that he runs) and the Theatre Committee stating; that I was harassing him, and sending him constant texts. He started to CC the Committee and the Board into our emails where I fell right into his ‘stalker’ trap. I requested a meeting to discuss the professional implications of recent events with him and stated I felt harassed, to this email I received a reply from the Vice President (honorary solicitor) of the Conservatorium drafted up as an illegal mock AVO in which he CC’d in my Theatre Company Committee, the entire Board and Admin staff of the Conservatorium, his wife, and his long term mistress.
I have taken legal action back at him and we are currently in a position for me to receive an apology for the ‘lawyer’ about the fake AVO and defamation…. and an apology from the Narcissist for his inappropriate behaviour with me as a student, substantiated by text messages from him that I have as proof that I am not a stalker and in fact an upset woman trying to preserve her career in the local music industry.
I guess what I’m getting at is; I’ve been reading about Hoovering, and he does Hoover (I’ve seen it) but, given the public and very FINAL nature of my Discard I don’t believe I will be Hoovered. Is this naive? If there is a Hoovering I fear it will be Malign
Zari Ballard
July 5, 2017 at 3:10 amDear littlevoice,
What a sticky situation. Well, the best way to debunk a narcissist’s smear campaign is to stay very, very quiet. This way, no matter what he says, how much shit he talks, your silence casts doubt on his story. The good news is that you really DIDN’T have an “affair” affair so you aren’t/weren’t technically lying when confronted by others. I imagine the whole thing has been very embarrassing and since it’s not really still ongoing, I’m not so sure if I would keep bringing it up to the Board and pushing the issue unless you truly felt you might get the boot. It sounds as if you have a very high position in the Theater Company…one that can’t be easily replaced…so maybe you should take it in stride. This guy obviously has a reputation that precedes him. You mention that he already has not only a wife but a long term mistress as well so you can hardly be faulted for what has happened.
As for him hoovering, he may because narcissists have no shame at all but when and if this happens, you will have to document it but completely ignore it. I wouldn’t worry about it. There’s nothing that can come of it if you don’t allow it. Please let me know how this turns out. I will be curious!
Zari:)
Travis
September 9, 2017 at 8:23 amThat is just about the most ridiculous and absurd description of something that you very much just generally applied to your own relationship gone bad, making only one thing true about only one of you (you & your ex).. Trying to get back with people you’ve had a bad break-up or relationship with is relatively normal. People get lonely and, so, if there was ever anything good, sometimes it’s just a human thing to go back to the familiar & comfortable, because at some point, even that feels better than being alone, being consumed with pain & misery. You also act as though Narcissism is something that specifically identifies types of people who are all literally the same in thought and action, which is ridiculous. Lots of people exhibit those traits, especially in, during & after relationships. It’s like you could apply these things to anyone after having had their worst day or after having been in a horrible relationship. But you can’t, because the only truth is that you have a victim mentality and are likely the person also exhibiting the narcissistic traits. You can’t get enough of it, because that’s your role – not the one you get to blame on someone else to sell a book. And hovering. Jesus, your so-called definition of that and the tactics, examples, etc. made me laugh harder than I have in quite some time. Those were all like pretty much the most common texts that anyone could’ve and probably has sent to someone at some point or another. You can’t just throw a bunch of interesting topics out that you have no real grasp of or date on etc. and rely solely on the fact that a lot of people will simply choose to buy into it, and your book, so they can justify their own pains, etc., become victims themselves, perpetually, and apply all guilt upon the lover who left them with the biggest scar… Because that’s what you’re doing with all of this garbage – and that makes you the abusive ‘narcissist’ and anyone who pathetically buys into this your victim, as you’re doing nothing more but preying on weakness. Otherwise you’d not have to write long, detailed essays to describe and hopefully promote/sell your BS. Good luck with that though.
Zari Ballard
September 9, 2017 at 7:05 pmHi Travis,
First of all, the word is “hoovering”, not “hovering”, and it pertains to a specific behavior of narcissistic partners so my “so-called definition” is not one that I made up…it just is what it is. In other words, my so-called definition is the ONLY definition and what I describe as the behavior is spot-on. Anybody who has ever been involved with a narcissist understands what “hoovering” means, Travis, and if they don’t, they have an “a-ha” moment as soon as they read my article. This is exactly why I write my articles….to give information so those who are dealing with this shit can understand what’s going on. And you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about, right? Right.
Since you don’t say what brought you to my website in the first place, I can only assume that 1) you are a trolling for another website, or 2) you are a narcissist who feels basically “called out” by the words that you’ve read here. Thus, your snarky, illogical way of thinking. My ex (the narcissist) was fascinated by his own disorder as well so I recognize it. I’ve been doing this a long time and, believe me, your intention shines through. Save yourself further embarrassment and move along as your contribution clearly isn’t for the better good of those who come here for support.
Zari
Robert
December 29, 2017 at 4:53 pmTravis has not experienced what I have,thank you Zari,your insight and knowlege shaved years of grief from my life.
LALA land
May 2, 2017 at 7:03 pmHi zari do i have an email? I need to talk to u.
– victim of N
Zari Ballard
May 3, 2017 at 2:53 pmHi LALA land,
Contact me here and I will write back and then you will have my personal email:)
xo
Jo
February 12, 2017 at 10:08 amMy N dumped me out of the blue after telling my family and his family we were going to get married. He love bombed me in the beginning, moved me in right away, and we began ring shopping. I thought he was my soul mate.
After several months the devalue, criticizing, verbal/emotional abuse began and I found myself constantly walking on eggshells trying to please him. Nothing I ever did was good enough and he continually raised the bar. I was paying the bills, meeting all his needs, working full time, and yet he always complained about something I wasn’t doing right. Would throw temper tantrums and give me the silent treatment. I never knew what was going to set him off. Yet all of this was peppered with moments of intense love, passion, great sex, and tears from him. I isolated myself from family and friends, my social life became almost non existent, and I was turning into a shell trying to make him happy. I didn’t want to be abandoned and I tried harder at this then in my own marriage. I am divorced.
My N kicked me out after 2 years in January so I hired a moving company and left when he was at work. I deleted social media and went no contact. He recently emailed me on a Friday night after a month of no contact saying he has some “important” mail of mine and would like to know how I want to get the mail.
Is this hoovering?
Zari Ballard
February 17, 2017 at 10:20 pmHi Jo,
Yes, of course this is hoovering. Block his email – and all of his phone and cell numbers for that matter. He will try to suck you back in just so that he can hurt you again. This is what they do. This is who they are. Do not fall for the ruse. You did the right thing by leaving and laying low. He shouldn’t be allowed to contact you at all.
Zari:)
Jo
February 18, 2017 at 5:49 amZari,
So after the “mail” ordeal he got really nasty and was telling me to return his key and treating me like a total pos so I blocked him. Then a few days later l had multiple people tell me he is now plastered all over FB and IG in a “new relationship” after 4 weeks of me moving out!!! He dated this girl years ago for a few months when he was going through his divorce. They never got to really know each other. Anyway all of his family is congratulating them on social media. I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone.
lily
March 6, 2017 at 1:38 pmHave someone else come and pick up the mail if you can, do not let him know where you live if he doesn’t already. I was with a narc for 10 years and he kicked me out after I ended things. This is not so much a hoovering tactic. This is still the “discard” phase. It hasn’t really been long enough for “hoovering”. Hoovering will come many months later when it doesn’t work out with whoever he’s left you for (I promise you, there is someone else in the picture). I was already dating someone else two months after the breakup and my ex did the exact same thing. “I need to drop off your important mail, tell me where you live”. Not only that, he had to the nerve to actually open my mail (a federal offense, thank you very much) to tell me, “You have a really big bill from the tax department”. Narcissists relish in your anguish. Know this and never go back. I made that mistake 5 times and left him 5 times. I lost what should have been the 10 best years of my life. The person I dated after him is a closeted homosexual who also started with the same kind of abuse. Be very, very careful who you let into your life after this experience. Until you come to terms with what has happened to you you are at risk of having another narcissist come swooping in to feed on the leftovers. They have a sixth sense for the perfect “supply”. If I can give you any comfort at all I would say this: Narcissists seek out women who are strong and talented. They do this to showcase themselves and will try to hijack any of your friends in the process. You are traumatized right now. The person you fell in love with simply does not exist….you created him in your mind and he simply mirrored that.
Zari Ballard
March 7, 2017 at 1:38 pmWhat great advice to share with Jo and everyone….thank you! I know all too well about those lost ten years…xo