Getting over a relationship with a narcissist is never easy and the pain can linger with us for many weeks, months, and even years after if we allow it. The key is to NOT allow it and a recovery game I created called Postpone & Pretend is one surefire tool for doing this…for helping us get past the initial shock of the narcissist’s Discard…for helping us to recover in a faster, more proficient way than we ever imagined possible.
As we know, the first few days and weeks that follow a break-up with a narcissist are the worst and it is during this time that we are our most vulnerable. The narcissist knows this, of course, and this is why he/she usually leaves without saying a word, subjecting us to a God-awful silent treatment that basically cripples us. An N knows how much the silence hurts and uses it to keep us in a state of heightened anxiety so that we’ll actually wait for the narcissist’s return instead of doing the right thing and ending it once and for all. If we could only maintain our strength during those first days of a “break-up”, it might change everything relative to how we behave when he resurfaces. By wallowing in our misery, we inadvertently participate in the narcissist’s game instead of helping ourselves out of the mess.
In normal relationships, although a break-up is always sad, the devastation is just a fraction of what it is when the other partner has a narcissistic personality. When I look back on how sad I felt in relationships that ended in my life before the narcissist, I remember feeling that I would never recover and I can’t even believe that now. Those break-ups were a walk in the park! The pain of the break-up is so very different with an N because of the level of betrayal and the depth of the deception that occurred leading up to the separation. Unless a person has experienced it, they can never understand it and this fact alone can isolate us. It’s nothing less than a ferocious type of abuse that sometimes even we can’t describe!
Having said all that, the key to a speedy and meaningful recovery is to get back up and going as swiftly as possible after the narcissist leaves us and this is where the game of Postpone & Pretend comes in. Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to feel the pain but the truth is that the narcissist has left us so many times before that perhaps THIS time we should consider that pain-feeling time already complete and get up NOW. I mean, it makes sense, right? How many times have we wasted the first days, weeks, and months crying into a pillow day in and day out only to take him back yet again because we hadn’t even begun to heal. Perhaps if we had begun to heal, we wouldn’t be so quick to succumb to his/her bullshit. It’s time to postpone the pain and pretend life is wonderful. It’s time to get the fuck up and going!
If you feel so sad that you find it hard to get through the day, do this the very first thing the next morning: when you open your eyes, promise yourself that you will postpone the pain for 24 hours. Just do it. Make the commitment before you even get out of bed. After all, there’s always tomorrow for being sad all day if that’s what you choose to do. For today, you’ve got too much to do and there’s simply no time to be sad over this jerk. I found that it’s much easier to snap out of a depression when you know that you have all day tomorrow to cater to it. So simply postpone it. That’s Step 1!
Next, since your sadness is postponed and life is going to go on for at least 24 hours, you might as well pretend that all is well. You don’t need to talk about what happened with anyone who’ll listen because it’s nobody’s business. Besides, its’ likely that family, friends, and co-workers have heard your story before and have tired of it. Act as if you’re doing just fine – pretend, pretend, pretend! Go about your business and when you feel the twinge of tears coming, push that thought out of your head because there’s always tomorrow. That’s Step 2! Now, when tomorrow comes, rinse and repeat – over and over and over. My little game of Postpone & Pretend helped to save my life. Not only did it save me from days and days of heartache, it allowed me the mental clarity to say “Fuck this!” to the narcissist’s tactics to control me. It eliminates the relationship amnesia we get right after the break-up when all we remember are the good things (which were fake anyway, don’t forget). It skips all that! When we postpone the sadness, we automatically eliminate all the junk that goes with it – the ruminating, the temptation to call or text or drive-by, the feeling of being distracted 24/7, the worry about what this person is doing now that they’re gone…all of that.
Playing the game boosts our confidence and puts a skip in our step. Each morning, when we wake up and commit ourselves to keeping it happy for the next 24, we get a big part of our power back. The goal is to keep the feeling going…to keep postponing and pretending until you don’t have to consciously do it anymore. I promise you that relief from that anxious feeling will happen faster than you think. Combine this game with a No Contact strategy and you’ll be a winner for sure.
Look, recovery from narcissist abuse isn’t easy which means that it’s going to take some concentrated effort on your part. My little game saved my ass because it forced me to take baby steps one day at a time. I didn’t have to think ahead a week or a month and wonder how the hell I was going to get through it. I only had to wait for 24 hours and then I did it again. Rinse and repeat, postpone and pretend and get your life back. I did it and so can you. Even if it sounds simple or silly, give it a shot…you have nothing to lose and lifetime to regain if it works.
Stay strong and stay the course, sisters and brothers!
marisa
December 16, 2019 at 6:12 pmI just want to say that I did many many years ago. I called it “checking in”. I would postpone the pain, NOT think about it, for maybe a month, then I would “check in” on how I felt when I DID think about it. It became less and less painful and also, as time goes by, you gain a lot of clarity on how things REALLY were, remembering the reality, not the fake happiness, because there really wasn’t any happiness. It also helps to be out and about and meeting new people all the time.
Zari Ballard
February 18, 2020 at 4:39 pmHi marisa…yup, I would have to say that “checking in” is the same thing. Good for you! Periodic checks keep us in self-reflection mode and help to keep it real. I’m grateful that you found a way to make it work…..:)
Rebecca McKay
November 24, 2018 at 5:07 amThank you for this. I broke up with mine we still talk huge mistake. Longest breakup ever. He has to rub another girl in my face the off in thin air. Luckily I didn’t care but he went silent again. I’m going to do what this said and make it permanent. My fault for allowing communication!
Rebecca
October 31, 2018 at 10:21 amThe postpone and fake it just saved my day! After him picking up the last of his things (while I was out) and leaving me a gift and a note, my pillow was far too wet for far too long. I had written my day off, but when I read this it struck a chord. I got out while it was still sunny. Thank you!
Good luck for your journeys…
Zari Ballard
November 9, 2018 at 4:32 pmHi Rebecca,
So grateful that the Game of Postpone & Pretend worked to save your day. I hope there are many more days just like it:) Think about it…if you “pretend” that your happy, no one will be the wiser. Eventually, it helps to re-train your brain back to normal….one step and one day at a time!
Zari xo
S.R.
October 16, 2018 at 5:06 pmZari, if I could, I would make you materialize right before my eyes so that I could give you the biggest, warmest, hug that my arms (and heart) could muster. If only I could…! This one article is exactly what I needed to read in order to stop the swinging pendulum that keeps me vacillating between “I’m over it” one day, and “How did this happen” the next. Thank you for writing it. I now have a new tool in my arsenal to get me through what’s left of the ‘dark days’.
I’m about six months into my recovery from the most damaging and devastating relationship of my life — a 3-year prison sentence with a quintessentially sadistic narcissist. This was my worst relationship ever, which is saying a lot, because I’m nearly 50 and I’ve been married before! (My ex-husband is NOT the narc in question.)
During the devaluation phase, I quickly discovered that the entire relationship was a charade, and every word the N uttered had been a lie. Invariably, I was discarded via the ultimate disappearing act. Since then, I have been binging on any information I could find about the pseudo-love entanglements that come with having a relationship with a narc.
Everything I’ve read so far, has been immensely helpful but not like this article. This article empowered me in ways that I was not expecting: 1.) It gave me permission to push-out my grieving so that I don’t wallow my days away, ruminating over something that was not my fault, and 2.) It lets me know that postponement is not denial, it’s merely a way of forcing me to bring my focus back to the most important component here: me, me, ME! (Forgive me if I sound like a narcissist right now, but I think I’ve earned the right. Just this once!)
Again, thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge with those of us who unwittingly stumbled into the tangled web of deceit that is the narcissist’s lair.
Zari Ballard
November 8, 2018 at 1:42 pmHi S.R.!
What a sweet post…I’d give you a great big hug back, my friend:) No, you do NOT need to wallow in the pain which we all have a tendency to do. It’s perfectly fine to postpone and pretend because no one will be the wiser! I found that I could push any feeling away for at least 24 hours and then it became a game to see how long I could do it ….postpone the tears…and eventually I simply didn’t have to do it. Re-training the brain back to normal after this kind of craziness isn’t easy but it is absolutely possible:)
Stay strong and Be Happy,
Zari
carol wynn
September 26, 2018 at 5:58 pmI have kept coming back and returning to my very attractive Narc, knowing that I was, in a way, using him in order to get stronger and eventually to not care if/when he discarded me because I had a different opinion about something. Oh, that was a ‘no no’ with this Narc. If I didn’t agree with his skewed assessment of a situation or reality, for that matter, well, I was ‘out of here’ and he’d invoke the silent treatment on me and immediately go to his ‘sideline’ supply, that was available at his slightest attention to her. What a very sick game he would play and I knew what it was the entire 12 years I was hooked in and that I was a part of it. Understand, I didn’t want to be part of the game, but I had to go back to my childhood and heal from having a narcissistic father, listen to hours of videos on narcissist abuse, listen so hard that feel I can now actually teach a course or counsel the unfortunate victims of narcissistic abuse at this time in my life.
I have a great, high profile, career, lots of friends, am attractive and a happy person, but this Narc, this emotional vampire, got his hooks in me, because of his sexual prowess and his sweet, fake words, and I went for it! I went for it for years, on and off. Noone understood my need for this guy and I became so isolated in my situation, because I would tell friends and family that I was over him, only to go back to him within a short time. My family was talking behind my back about how ridiculous my relationship and I was and so I had to learn not to tell anyone anything about my terrible struggle. I suffered for years, all alone with Narcissistic abuse.
Now that I’ve finally left, have finally lost my emotional connection to him, (or so I pray) & now he’s pulling a smear campaign on me. Did I expect this? Damn right I did.
His actions only embolden me to stay on this path of recovery and have only pity for the ‘new supply’ that this dude has tapped to be his next victim.
I say good luck sweetheart. And you will need that and so much more…
Natalie
August 6, 2018 at 6:34 pmThis advice is not at all what was helpful for me. As a survivor of many years and layers of narcissistic abuse, I can tell you that the ONLY thing that holistically helped me move forward was acknowledging the pain, despair and anxiety, and finding a therapist to listen and give me space to process these emotions. It is EXTREMELY important to find a person, be it a trusted friend, or therapist, to hear you and acknowledge your suffering. After this kind of abuse, we typically experience crippling self doubt and internalized gas lighting. PLEASE help yourself out of self-denial and give yourself the care you need. Share your story. Embrace your inner child who is so deeply wounded. Talk about what happened and how you are feeling. THIS will help you move forward and recognize any patterns that have been developed along the way.
Zari Ballard
September 17, 2018 at 4:04 pmHi Natalie,
I’m pretty sure that’s what we are all doing here, sharing our stories and and strategies for recovery and trying to work through the pain. I speak with people every day to coach them through these difficult times but, as victims of narcissist abuse, we have to be pro-active and work deliberately to keep our ruminating thoughts at bay. Talking about it over and over helps but it is not the only answer. We have to “push out” the bad thoughts as they pop in and make a conscious effort to distract ourselves, otherwise we’d find ourselves curled up in a ball wasting the day. Postponing and pretending was one of the ways I found that helped me to do this and so I am sharing it. I’m sorry if you did not find this one strategy helpful. There are many more and I hope your therapist will lead you in that direction.
Stay strong!
Zari:)
Alison Davies
May 28, 2018 at 2:31 pmThe way to hurt a narcissist is drop them like a hot potato and NEVER utter a word to them again. That doesn’t mean only “no contact” with them. It means NEVER mention their name to your family or friends EVER. NEVER mention their names to the narcissist’s family or friends. EVER. Act as though they died. I know, morbid and difficult, but the best solution. I was lucky, I knew early on that my boyfriend (he is 48 and I am 48) was a narcissist. I played along because, honestly, I liked the attention, gifts, trips, etc. and was in a vulnerable stage of my life. I knew full well it would end in a s—storm. He hated all of his exes. Why would I be any different? Why do you think you are so special? You are not. I’m sorry to tell you this. I do believe I was “special” and I was. I was special in that I did not bow to this man. I did the breaking up. I called the police when he got violent. I did not accept the groveling. Instead, I criticized him and dropped him. No looking back! I am very different from most narcissist’s victims as I can be apathetic in relationships. I can get sucked in only as far as I will allow and want to get sucked in. I was burned by several narcissists in my 20s, 30s, and 40s. I learned their methods and figured it all out. I don’t want to attract a narcissist, but I did when I felt it served me. I am ok with being alone and single. That is a trait you MUST develop to move on. You must love yourself and be ok with being single. Those who are addicted to relationships and depend on others to boost their ego are fair game to become a narcissist’s victim. This is your life. Don’t let anyone, narcissist or not, dictate your happiness. It’s been several weeks and though I do miss the good times, I constantly have a memory of the bad times and how he disrespected me, abused me, and thought he took advantage of me (sorry for him that I was always in preparation mode for this break up and final “good-bye”. Work on loving yourself and your success and silence will be the best revenge. I promise you.