Getting over a relationship with a narcissist is never easy and the pain can linger with us for many weeks, months, and even years after if we allow it. The key is to NOT allow it and a recovery game I created called Postpone & Pretend is one surefire tool for doing this…for helping us get past the initial shock of the narcissist’s Discard…for helping us to recover in a faster, more proficient way than we ever imagined possible.
As we know, the first few days and weeks that follow a break-up with a narcissist are the worst and it is during this time that we are our most vulnerable. The narcissist knows this, of course, and this is why he/she usually leaves without saying a word, subjecting us to a God-awful silent treatment that basically cripples us. An N knows how much the silence hurts and uses it to keep us in a state of heightened anxiety so that we’ll actually wait for the narcissist’s return instead of doing the right thing and ending it once and for all. If we could only maintain our strength during those first days of a “break-up”, it might change everything relative to how we behave when he resurfaces. By wallowing in our misery, we inadvertently participate in the narcissist’s game instead of helping ourselves out of the mess.
In normal relationships, although a break-up is always sad, the devastation is just a fraction of what it is when the other partner has a narcissistic personality. When I look back on how sad I felt in relationships that ended in my life before the narcissist, I remember feeling that I would never recover and I can’t even believe that now. Those break-ups were a walk in the park! The pain of the break-up is so very different with an N because of the level of betrayal and the depth of the deception that occurred leading up to the separation. Unless a person has experienced it, they can never understand it and this fact alone can isolate us. It’s nothing less than a ferocious type of abuse that sometimes even we can’t describe!
Having said all that, the key to a speedy and meaningful recovery is to get back up and going as swiftly as possible after the narcissist leaves us and this is where the game of Postpone & Pretend comes in. Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to feel the pain but the truth is that the narcissist has left us so many times before that perhaps THIS time we should consider that pain-feeling time already complete and get up NOW. I mean, it makes sense, right? How many times have we wasted the first days, weeks, and months crying into a pillow day in and day out only to take him back yet again because we hadn’t even begun to heal. Perhaps if we had begun to heal, we wouldn’t be so quick to succumb to his/her bullshit. It’s time to postpone the pain and pretend life is wonderful. It’s time to get the fuck up and going!
If you feel so sad that you find it hard to get through the day, do this the very first thing the next morning: when you open your eyes, promise yourself that you will postpone the pain for 24 hours. Just do it. Make the commitment before you even get out of bed. After all, there’s always tomorrow for being sad all day if that’s what you choose to do. For today, you’ve got too much to do and there’s simply no time to be sad over this jerk. I found that it’s much easier to snap out of a depression when you know that you have all day tomorrow to cater to it. So simply postpone it. That’s Step 1!
Next, since your sadness is postponed and life is going to go on for at least 24 hours, you might as well pretend that all is well. You don’t need to talk about what happened with anyone who’ll listen because it’s nobody’s business. Besides, its’ likely that family, friends, and co-workers have heard your story before and have tired of it. Act as if you’re doing just fine – pretend, pretend, pretend! Go about your business and when you feel the twinge of tears coming, push that thought out of your head because there’s always tomorrow. That’s Step 2! Now, when tomorrow comes, rinse and repeat – over and over and over. My little game of Postpone & Pretend helped to save my life. Not only did it save me from days and days of heartache, it allowed me the mental clarity to say “Fuck this!” to the narcissist’s tactics to control me. It eliminates the relationship amnesia we get right after the break-up when all we remember are the good things (which were fake anyway, don’t forget). It skips all that! When we postpone the sadness, we automatically eliminate all the junk that goes with it – the ruminating, the temptation to call or text or drive-by, the feeling of being distracted 24/7, the worry about what this person is doing now that they’re gone…all of that.
Playing the game boosts our confidence and puts a skip in our step. Each morning, when we wake up and commit ourselves to keeping it happy for the next 24, we get a big part of our power back. The goal is to keep the feeling going…to keep postponing and pretending until you don’t have to consciously do it anymore. I promise you that relief from that anxious feeling will happen faster than you think. Combine this game with a No Contact strategy and you’ll be a winner for sure.
Look, recovery from narcissist abuse isn’t easy which means that it’s going to take some concentrated effort on your part. My little game saved my ass because it forced me to take baby steps one day at a time. I didn’t have to think ahead a week or a month and wonder how the hell I was going to get through it. I only had to wait for 24 hours and then I did it again. Rinse and repeat, postpone and pretend and get your life back. I did it and so can you. Even if it sounds simple or silly, give it a shot…you have nothing to lose and lifetime to regain if it works.
Stay strong and stay the course, sisters and brothers!
StephPI
May 9, 2016 at 8:32 pmWell, this could be a long story, but, will keep as short as i can…Little different than all, am a lesbian with a 17 yr relationship that was pretty damn good…were the butterflies a little lost, yes, but , the rest was good, until…the narcissist coworker moved in. Until, I started doing search on personality disorders did i realize, I had become involved with a narcissist. Heterosexual, blonde, blue eyes, continually seduced me until it finally happened, the idealization stage. I now know..Kept my distance, but, fell for it. Watch out, its just the beginning…The first 3 months, she was persistent, I tried leaving, but, she’d show up at my work, want to talk, blah, blah..that should have been my first warning sign. Oh, no, I fell for it..We went on the best rollercoaster ride after that for 3 yrs, she cheating, lying, u name it…I should have just bought annual passes for Disney World, the happiest place on the earth..the rollercoasters end after the ride in 5 minutes. ….I’m not your typical dyke, nor am i ur beautiful Miss USA, but, am attractive, have a lot going for me, decent job, own my own home, have a retirement plan & plans for retirement…she nothing, but,” I love my grandson, nothing makes me happy but him….Hello, that should have been my second clue…She chased me kept up a good front, then we got to devaluation, everything was mine or someone elses fault, the demeaning, belittling, insults started..Oh, no, gotta keep her happy & and admiring her all the time, building up her self-esteem,,,then she gets diagnosed with colon cancer, surgically removed, went through chemo, she’s doing fine….Oh, no, the narcissisum in her came out even worse. Was it all about her before, yes, is it worse now, yes. Now, we have to find someone that i can marry, get on their health insurance plan, stop working, now mind you, she is perfectly fine now, and become a snowbird, we live in Florida, “so I can come & go to NY to see my grandkids, “Don’t want a relationship, just a business deal so i can be with family” which she doesn’t get along with..I finally began to see through this smoke screen, said, “nope not giving you any more money”, now, don’t get me wrong, she has a good job & makes good money, but, another narcissist thing “my money is mine & yours is mine. Then discard stage started. So, all I can say, watch out you new victim, not only did she have cancer, she still has it, because she is a living cancer, that will suck every bit of life out of you & laugh all the way the Devils Den
Zari Ballard
May 14, 2016 at 3:29 pmHi StephPL,
So, did you leave your 17-year relationship for this person? I can’t tell but it seems like it and I’m so curious. And now you’re in Florida and still involved/living with this person? You know that the reality is that you’re NOT stuck, right? You don’t have to put up with her shit until the day that you die. Like you said, watch out new victim! Let her go be someone else’s problem. Gladly hand her over to the next target.
As I’ve said, female narcs are the worst of the worse and when it’s a girl/girl relationship, the victim gets a double throttle. Who knows better how to push a girl’s buttons or gain control over a female than a female? It’s complicated.
I hope that you’re breaking free….stay strong and send me an update if you have a minute. I’d love to know the outcome…
Zari xo
StephPI
May 15, 2016 at 8:34 pmHi Zari,
I thank & appreciate your response more than you know. It’s people like you that keep us, I think I am, normal people from going insane. The 17 yr relationship, had its problems, but, honestly, nothing that terribly major. I was financially pulling all the weight, but, was somewhat at fault, for allowing it. My partner, kinda gotta a little lax, but, treated me very well, very loving, compassionate, caring, very good to my family, she’s, definitely not a narcissist. But, was getting a little frustrated, she not wanting to pursue a better work career to help relieve me of some financial burden. She, was fortunate enough to only work 6 months out of the year, in citrus marketing, as we are in the citrus belt here, but, I allowed her to. For the past 5 yrs, I had been asking her to look into getting a better, all year long job, as that was what I was doing. Wanted to be able to sock some more money away for our retirement… I’m an independent sonographer, so, I do ok, but not a six figure person. I just luckily, know how to manage my money, and can be comfortable. We did separate for 6 months, & no, I didn’t move the new one in…something just wasn’t right??? She sure as hell wanted to. She stayed in her own apartment, & thankfully, that 6 month break from my current relationship began to allow the true colors of the “New Love”, haha…come out…I spent alot of money, energy & time on her, but, now I realized, that only allowed her to spend her money, on her worthless piece of crap son, that supposedly makes $100,000, but, still mooching off of her because he has no gas money….but, then again, he is the father to the grandkids, & “that’s all that makes me happy”…She makes less than him, ok…see where I’m going…Now, his girlfriend, mother, to the grandbabbies, early 20’s, has no education, doesnt drive, & no job, & now up to 3 kids, WTF, anybody know about birthcontrol??? No, because who has to be responsible, grandma keeps enabling. Clothes for the kids, toys, parties, u name it, they get it…So, here sits me, kind hearted, loving, compassionate soul, that just wants to try to make her life better…mention anything about, “you have to let them stand on their own to feet & be responsible for what they’ve created”, & she agrees, but, then flies off the handle on me, in the next breath, all the while I’m paying for expensive dinners, trips, giving her money, etc. This is such a long convoluted story, I don’t want to waste your time. My ex & I are trying to repair & move forward with our relationship, which is hard for me, bcuz as everyone says, coming out of a narcissist relationship is extremely difficult..I’m trying to let myself heal, & not fall back & hurt my ex, anymore than I already have…But, the straw that broke the camel’s back, with the Narc, was, “She saying, I dont want a relationship, dont want the responsibilties of it, while steadfastly, looking for someone to marry, take care of me, not have to work, so, I can be a snowbird, go to NY & be with my family, now she is only 49..Hmmm, doesn’t that require something back in return??? Well, anyway, back to the straw….I texted, even as just your friend, I’m amazed & appalled at what ur doing…I hope you dont find someone who slits your throat…”I’m as docile as they come, never physically fight, maybe a little verbally, but, thats the extent…as my mother always said, you are so loving….WELL!!!! I get a text back, I’m taking your message to the police about slitting my throat. I said, I never threatened you, go right ahead…& then the barrage of texts came, “you’re a loser, pathetic, nuisance, dangerous dyke…And, none of that’s true….I’m the one who owns their own home, works hard, new car, retirement plan, investments.???…..She nothing, rents an apartments, pays her bills??? So, not sure, if you can make a judgement call, but, is this sounding like a narcissist??? And, it even gets deeper..
StephPI
May 15, 2016 at 8:45 pmJust an addedum…I got a text, last night, Goodnite…after her barrage of texts, she was getting a new phone….We always did text that every night…Was that for the new victim, or just to mess with me???..Havent talked in 3 weeks…I didnt respond, trying to stick with NO CONTACT
Zari Ballard
May 16, 2016 at 6:42 amHi StephPL,
Oh, I’m sure it was to mess with you. If you can, block the new number. She can’t be allowed to do that whenever she feels like it…
Zari:)
Steph
May 16, 2016 at 8:15 pmThank you Zari…ur continued support has helped me stay stay strong..I would like to talk with you…have no problem with ur rates, just depends on my availability of time on my end…I just need the final closure of some1
who knows narissists…and that I feel u now plenty about…
Steph
May 17, 2016 at 8:59 pmWell Zari,
U were right, that late goodnite text was intended for me. She showed up at my work today…The only good thing is we are both professional, so nothing major happened. We talked peacefully, best thing, we don’t need any major explosion to disrupt both of our jobs…I have bought an hr conversation with you, hope we can both make it work into r schedules…I feel you can understand my situation, & then I can move on…No Doubt in my mind she is a narcissist, just hope u can help me confirm this…I just need to be able to rid myself of this cancer & move on
Zari Ballard
May 19, 2016 at 6:06 pmHi Steph,
I sent you a confirmation on the 17th right away and then sent a follow-up today because I hadn’t heard back from you. I didn’t even make the connection!! LOL I think I sent the confirmation from my yahoo address and the follow-up from my gmail to make sure that you got it. Respond to yahoo if you get it but I’ll check both…..I look forward to talking with you!!!
Zari 🙂
Val
May 6, 2016 at 8:42 pmWow. I am so glad I found this, thank you.
My narcissistic nightmare began a little over two years ago, and is still just now ending. The N in question and I have known each other since childhood and always had an interest, hanging out a few times throughout our early twenties but the timing was always bad. (Oh, and he had a girlfriend. Just uncovered that.)
But finally, two something years ago, the stars aligned and it was magical rainbow shit. True love. Constant messaging, phone calls, weekends away and planning for the future. It’s what he had “always wanted”….us.
I live two hours away, but we saw each other as much as possible when I wasn’t at work or with my two young kids. I was so goddamn happy.
There were some red flags. Weird vague stories and seemingly senseless lies. Our first fight was a month or two in, when I looked at the fb page of a girl who liked all of his posts and pictures. In fact, if ever she commented on a post of his, he promptly deleted the post. On her page, it said “in a relationship”…and she had just posted an article about having an ideal relationship, tagged him, and put a little heart emoji. (she lives about three hours away. Convenient)
I confronted him. He cried and pleaded, telling me that it’s his ex who couldn’t move on and he never even talks to her, etc…like the dumbass I am, I eventually decided to believe him after two days of missing him. I wanted to believe.
There were other little incidents where he was probably most definitely with other girls, but I ignored my gut feeling. He was so attentive and loving to me that I couldn’t believe it. We tried moving in with each other but *insert wacky drama in his personal life here* it ended up not working out, because he couldn’t wait for my son to finish the school year. This was my fault, btw. I didn’t want him enough. I was hurting him. I should try harder and why wouldn’t I just be with him and make everything ok? I started to feel insane. I WAS trying. I did want him. He would “get too hurt* and ignore me for days. But I was still his gf, that much he made clear. He was insanely jealous of any attention – perceived or imagined by him – that I received from any other guy.
Just last month, he bailed on our weekend plans. He gave a lot of weird excuses and I caught him in multiple lies about his real plans. He swore there was nobody else and he loved me so much and was “bummed” about his family obligation because he had desperately wanted to spend time with me. I saw him a week later and we made up. Everything was fine again…until he bailed on last weekends plans. Plans we had made in January. He said “I’m so sorry beautiful I’m working and can’t get away” .
So I did some digging. I found multiple dating profiles, where he was pictured in clothes I bought him.I found out that he and his “crazy ex” were together for MONTHS into our relationship. He would visit her when not with me. I started checking the fb profiles of every girl who liked his stuff (friends list is private) and that’s when I found her…his new gf. He’s been seeing her since January. His profile is completely devoid of info about her, but hers was full of him! I confronted him…and he suddenly completely changed. No more sweetness. Coldly told me that it’s my fault for not wanting him enough, for not being with him full time. I confronted the new girl, who was bitchy at first until she saw all my screenshots…him literally laying in bed next to her, texting me about how much he loves me.
He came unglued. He’s been threatening me, which i the first I have EVER experienced of his nasty side. I’m in shock. He’s calling me evil and insane, and told the new girl he only saw me last month to “shut me up” because I was demanding closure. He told me we were together! We slept together. He asked me to stay the night! Closure..??
She dumped him, and he is in a total rage with me. It’s so insane. He won’t admit to any wrong doing, just mad that I ruined his life. Seriously. I know I’ll never get an apology…but goddamn, this fucking hurts. I am caught off guard and don’t know how to recover.
Sarah
June 1, 2016 at 11:58 amI’m so sorry for what you’re going through.I was with my narcissistic ex for just over 18months.He started out as a gentle ,kind loving guy ,who couldn’t do enough for me.
He knew I’d experienced some rough moments with a previous ex.When he drew outility my fears ,he showed compassion at first ,then turned them against me.
Sexually he used to be gentle ,but became more perverse ,demanding I do things I’d confided I didn’t like.The last night before he left ,he sleep raped me.I was ,I am devastated.
Since we parted ,11 weeks ago I’ve read lots on narcissist personalities.He ticks all the boxes..The stony silences when I’d wonder what I’d done wrong ,and try desperately hard to be better ,make him happier etc.
I know realist the reality is the relationship was a lie..he’d never marry me ,he couldn’t settle in my home ( your problems with your son resonated with me ,as mine complained about my 2 girls at home).He constantly blamed me for the mood swings he’d have ,saying if I paid more (how???? ) attention to him ,we’d have had a successful relationship together.Now ,painful though it is ,I know nothing could have changed him ,and we’d never have worked out.Simply because it’s never enough ,no matter how stressed we become ,no matter who we are made to eliminate from our lives.
The only one a narcissist truly loves is themself….*hugs* ,I do so empathise with how you’re feeling..Keep reading ,it’s helping me so much,.x
Msdori
May 3, 2016 at 6:17 amHi Zari,
Don’t know if anyone else has mentioned this song, “Jar of Hearts” by Christina Perri
I ran across it while listening to some popular songs…found it to fit perfectly about getting over a ‘narcissist’ relationship, re-enforcing the strength we have in staying strong….give a listen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UtKYYMkiAE
Msdori
PS I’m already on your email list
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2016 at 1:40 amHi Msdori,
I know that song and I love it!!! It is all about a narcissist…WITHOUT A DOUBT. Thank you for sharing the link!
Zari xo
Avis
April 20, 2016 at 5:42 pmI love you, and I love this site! Seriously. I’ve been doing research on narcissist, listening to youtube lectures on narcissism and codependency in my car for months now, not even sure if my situation applied. I got way too attached to one of my students (college level) nothing physical but his neediness over the last four years has cost me dinners, hours of counseling, my attention to my other students and yes, a broken heart. I’m a dance teacher and he is/was a great dancer, and of course needed constant reassurance he was a good performer. He was the star of most of our shows for 7 years!! Sent him to NYC, called friends to give him a chance, pulled strings, etc. I called him my muse, and he lived with me and hubby for 3 months while he was working on production. So proud and attached I was…I found myself texting him late into the night, talking about our lives, and the arts. He started posting things on fb to get my attention regarding other people and how they were better for him, doing more…then he’d “forget” to come to rehearsal. As the lead of several productions, I’d call, beg and get this new stern refusal that he was busy. I found myself in rages, texting crazy things, obsessing, THIS IS NOT ME! I felt desperate, anxious, my chest was always tight and I was afraid to tell anyone how I felt because “everyone likes him”. I felt like the bad guy, I felt like the abuser! I would demand more of his time and he would just brush me off. He openly declared he was not going to share his Snapchat with me, and I was visibly shaken when he asked me if I was jealous. I didn’t know what to say, and couldn’t figure out how I got into this situation. I kept asking what was up with me?! Was I in love with him? No…? so why was I so attached and why did I care so much and so deeply? During a rehearsal, someone out of the blue accused him of being a narcissist, so I looked into it! This is a classic case and a month ago I got so mad he didn’t text me back, I sent him a text saying I understood why his mom treated him the way she did. WOW. the rage I got back, he called saying he couldn’t work with me anymore, he couldn’t trust me and he needed “time” to think about what to do next. I was crushed, guilty and lost. I felt like a 5 year old begging daddy not to leave me alone in my room for being a bad girl. I’ve been quietly hysterical while dealing with the silent treatment for a month now, however he did come to a show two weeks ago. He hugged and fawned over everyone, and chase me around to hug me in public. Didn’t happen…so I guess I made him more mad? In any event it is so hard to have rehearsal without him, he was such a part of my every day life. I have breakdowns sometimes, and text or call and leave a message. I’ve been blocked from his facebook and Instagram… but I’m going to do your postpone and pretend starting NOW.
Kim Yu
March 17, 2016 at 10:59 pmHi Zari,
How does one go about being strong and deferring the sadness and pain when ex is the father of my 8 month old baby? What can i do to stay strong and get over him? We are in contact in hopes of keeping a harmonious and amicable relationship for baby’s sake but it has been very difficult for me to move on. It had been 4 months but the contact and exchanging baby during visitations is not helping me! Plus, ex regularly asks what I’m doing and who I’m going out with. Looking forward to your insight. Thank you
Zari Ballard
April 8, 2016 at 11:16 pmHi Kim,
I realize that it has been a long time since you wrote and I apologize for the delay in responding. In hopes that it will help you, I have listed some strategies for dealing with a co-parenting narcissist. This is all about intimidation and control and you simply have to stand up for yourself. It takes practice and resolve but it is NOT impossible.
1) Keep all verbal communication (in person and on the phone) to a MAXIMUM of ten minutes and no more. There is nothing that he has to say to you or you to him that can not be said in under ten minutes. If you have to watch your watch, do it and let him know, if he goes off, that his time is ticking away so he’d better make it good. Then hang up or walk away. What’s the worst that can happen? He’ll get mad? So what – he’s mad all the time anyway.
2) Keep all verbal communication to about the baby only and ONLY if it’s necessary information. You have to be the judge of what is necessary and what isn’t and be confident in your decision. This tip goes hand in hand with Tip 1 above. Ten minutes and no more. Most importantly, you do NOT have to answer questions about your life – it’s NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. Walk away or hang up.
3) No matter what is being said, practice showing only DETACHMENT and INDIFFERENCE. Show him no emotion whatsoever even if it kills you. Shut the door and beat the wall, but don’t let him ruffle your feathers. This is what he obviously LIKES to do. My thought here is that, by keeping all interaction to ten minutes, you can fake ANYTHING for ten minutes – even a non-emotion. Know what I mean? At the same time that you’re training him to see that he doesn’t have the crazy effect on you he used to have, you will be re-training your own brain to understand the same thing. Fake it till you make it.
4) Document everything…even if the interaction is good. Ten minutes at a shot is easy to keep track of. Keep a journal/notebook handy at all times. If you need to go back to court against him for whatever reason, this will be worth it’s weight in gold.
Good luck, Kim. Write me whenever you want. I’m here to support you!
Zari xo
Tasha
January 2, 2016 at 9:26 amThank you….i just broke up again from my narracist and this is it….i’m done can’t do it in 2016
Amy
December 28, 2015 at 5:31 pmThank you for your bravery in sharing your experiences and wisdom about how to recognize this type of individual and for giving support and positive steps for moving on and not looking back!
Zari Ballard
December 29, 2015 at 7:34 pmHave a wonderful New Year, Amy! Moving forward and never looking back is the goal and recovery is a team effort:)
Zari xo