Getting over a relationship with a narcissist is never easy and the pain can linger with us for many weeks, months, and even years after if we allow it. The key is to NOT allow it and a recovery game I created called Postpone & Pretend is one surefire tool for doing this…for helping us get past the initial shock of the narcissist’s Discard…for helping us to recover in a faster, more proficient way than we ever imagined possible.
As we know, the first few days and weeks that follow a break-up with a narcissist are the worst and it is during this time that we are our most vulnerable. The narcissist knows this, of course, and this is why he/she usually leaves without saying a word, subjecting us to a God-awful silent treatment that basically cripples us. An N knows how much the silence hurts and uses it to keep us in a state of heightened anxiety so that we’ll actually wait for the narcissist’s return instead of doing the right thing and ending it once and for all. If we could only maintain our strength during those first days of a “break-up”, it might change everything relative to how we behave when he resurfaces. By wallowing in our misery, we inadvertently participate in the narcissist’s game instead of helping ourselves out of the mess.
In normal relationships, although a break-up is always sad, the devastation is just a fraction of what it is when the other partner has a narcissistic personality. When I look back on how sad I felt in relationships that ended in my life before the narcissist, I remember feeling that I would never recover and I can’t even believe that now. Those break-ups were a walk in the park! The pain of the break-up is so very different with an N because of the level of betrayal and the depth of the deception that occurred leading up to the separation. Unless a person has experienced it, they can never understand it and this fact alone can isolate us. It’s nothing less than a ferocious type of abuse that sometimes even we can’t describe!
Having said all that, the key to a speedy and meaningful recovery is to get back up and going as swiftly as possible after the narcissist leaves us and this is where the game of Postpone & Pretend comes in. Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to feel the pain but the truth is that the narcissist has left us so many times before that perhaps THIS time we should consider that pain-feeling time already complete and get up NOW. I mean, it makes sense, right? How many times have we wasted the first days, weeks, and months crying into a pillow day in and day out only to take him back yet again because we hadn’t even begun to heal. Perhaps if we had begun to heal, we wouldn’t be so quick to succumb to his/her bullshit. It’s time to postpone the pain and pretend life is wonderful. It’s time to get the fuck up and going!
If you feel so sad that you find it hard to get through the day, do this the very first thing the next morning: when you open your eyes, promise yourself that you will postpone the pain for 24 hours. Just do it. Make the commitment before you even get out of bed. After all, there’s always tomorrow for being sad all day if that’s what you choose to do. For today, you’ve got too much to do and there’s simply no time to be sad over this jerk. I found that it’s much easier to snap out of a depression when you know that you have all day tomorrow to cater to it. So simply postpone it. That’s Step 1!
Next, since your sadness is postponed and life is going to go on for at least 24 hours, you might as well pretend that all is well. You don’t need to talk about what happened with anyone who’ll listen because it’s nobody’s business. Besides, its’ likely that family, friends, and co-workers have heard your story before and have tired of it. Act as if you’re doing just fine – pretend, pretend, pretend! Go about your business and when you feel the twinge of tears coming, push that thought out of your head because there’s always tomorrow. That’s Step 2! Now, when tomorrow comes, rinse and repeat – over and over and over. My little game of Postpone & Pretend helped to save my life. Not only did it save me from days and days of heartache, it allowed me the mental clarity to say “Fuck this!” to the narcissist’s tactics to control me. It eliminates the relationship amnesia we get right after the break-up when all we remember are the good things (which were fake anyway, don’t forget). It skips all that! When we postpone the sadness, we automatically eliminate all the junk that goes with it – the ruminating, the temptation to call or text or drive-by, the feeling of being distracted 24/7, the worry about what this person is doing now that they’re gone…all of that.
Playing the game boosts our confidence and puts a skip in our step. Each morning, when we wake up and commit ourselves to keeping it happy for the next 24, we get a big part of our power back. The goal is to keep the feeling going…to keep postponing and pretending until you don’t have to consciously do it anymore. I promise you that relief from that anxious feeling will happen faster than you think. Combine this game with a No Contact strategy and you’ll be a winner for sure.
Look, recovery from narcissist abuse isn’t easy which means that it’s going to take some concentrated effort on your part. My little game saved my ass because it forced me to take baby steps one day at a time. I didn’t have to think ahead a week or a month and wonder how the hell I was going to get through it. I only had to wait for 24 hours and then I did it again. Rinse and repeat, postpone and pretend and get your life back. I did it and so can you. Even if it sounds simple or silly, give it a shot…you have nothing to lose and lifetime to regain if it works.
Stay strong and stay the course, sisters and brothers!
Amaranthine
November 2, 2015 at 7:32 amYour posts have been very difficult and eye opening for me to read. I just came out of a 2 1/2 year long relationship with someone I believe to be an N. A friend of mine recently posted a list of traits of a narcissist and my ex hit every bulletpoint. I started googling and came across your site and it has hit home.
I have been struggling for a while to figure out what caused him to change, to go from keeping me at arm’s length (the excuse was always that he was afraid of commitment and cared for me deeply but had been burned by girls too many times and couldn’t open up to me.) That’s what it was for the first year and a half. He would be sweet, into me. He was intelligent and funny and gorgeous and our chemistry was off the charts. I fell and fell hard. Then he would grow distant. Silent treatment. Cool demeanor and short answers when he did talk to me. Then he would break it off but would want to remain friends because I was “just too important” for him to lose. So we would be friends. I couldn’t get over him and would pray every night that he would see how perfect we are together. Then we would hookup again and he would tell me he still cares and wants to try again. Then he would pull away again because he was “too scared.” A year and a half this went on.
Then after a few months of a long period of a breakup I started to talk to someone new. I told my N about this… partially because we were friends, partially because this pathetic desperate side of me wanted (craved) to know if he still cared about me, too. He flipped. He was heartbroken and “didn’t want to lose me.” He confessed his love to me (something he had never done) and said he wanted to marry me and that he had been working on himself so he could finally open up to me like he has wanted.
I was over the moon and he and I ended up together. The first few months were blissful. He was not the person I had seen before. He was romantic and happier than I had ever seen him and we actually started spending a lot of time together (before then, I would see him once a week if that.) I was so happy. We were finally official, he looked at me like he was so in love with me, he wanted to be around me, he told our fellow coworkers that he actually planned on proposing to me within the next year because he had no doubt I was his soulmate.
And then little by little, I started noticing a change. He became caustic and bitter about everything- mostly me. He would get mad at the slightest of things, but then when I got upset because he was overreacting, I would be the one accused of instigating fights. When I started having some semi serious u ealth issues and we didn’t know what was going on, I was scared, sick, and in pain and begged to come spend the night with him because I was scared and felt terrible and wanted to be near him and hadn’t seen him in a few days. He refused (in a cold, mean, harsh way) and when I began to cry, he flipped out, called me unstable and needy, blamed the fact that I am bipolar.
That was his favorite thing to use. Any time he was merciless and unnecessarily mean and made me cry, it wasn’t that he made me cry, it was that I was “unstable.” When he blew me off, canceled our plans to hang out with his friends instead and I got angry because multiple nights in a row he left me hanging until the last minute (silent treatment all day and all evening long) and then suddenly canceled, it wasn’t that I was upset he canceled on me, it was that I was “clingy” and “needy” and “unstable.”
When we finally broke up and said our goodbyes last week, he went on and on about how he hoped I got my sh*t together and get stable or find someone who will put up with me. I said that I wished he would see the part he played in the downhill slope of our relationship and he responded saying that he didn’t play any part, it was all my fault, and he should have known better to date a “broken girl” and that hopefully he gets it right next time.
I know that I do have bipolar disorder, but I’m in my twenties and have been in multiple relationships and have never seen the unstable part of me come out with anyone else other than him. He would pick and say mean and caustic things until I started feeling unsteady and crying, and then he would throw my disorder in my face and accuse me of “starting fights because I love this drama.”
It hasn’t even been a whole week yet since I stopped speaking to him, but reading your posts has helped more than you could know. It has been incredibly difficult and painful to read, knowing that all these characteristics apply to someone I loved with every fiber of my being for years now. But thank you for all that you’ve written on here. It has helped give me a little closure.
Zari Ballard
December 11, 2015 at 7:16 pmHi Amaranthine,
I realize it has been way over a month since your post and so much could have happened since you’ve written. Because I am so far behind, I am asking that you send an update so it will bump to the top and I can respond accordingly. I have read your story and feel very badly that you’ve been so hurt. He has all the textbook signs of a narcissistic asshole. Honestly, it’s just as if we’ve all had the same guy.
If you need me, I’m here. Use the same name and email if you respond and I’ll recognize it. Hope you are okay….
Zari xo
SophN
June 5, 2015 at 2:27 amAfter searching and trawling the internet for so many questions and answers on narcissism, I finally found this website. And relieved I did! Zari your words are spot on and the more I read, the more it confirms what I was (and am) up against.
The ‘fairytale’ began 18 months ago in the usual way. He wasn’t particularly great looking, a lot older than me and slightly overweight, however his charm, gifts through my letterbox and sweet talking soon swayed me, he virtually stalked or ‘love bombed’ me.
At the time I finally felt confident after being single for a year, was going out socializing and had many friends around me. I have a teenage son from a previous relationship who was happy that his mum was happy. Then Mr.N came along and swept me off my feet. And that was it, felt like I’d met the man of my dreams…
Alarm bells!! His ex who he’d left two weeks before meeting me was 4 months pregnant and in his words slightly crazy and her depression pushed him away. Of course he must’ve been telling the truth, because
he’s such a perfect man! He was still married to another ex who hated his guts! And has a daughter from another ex! Oh why did I think I was so special that I’d be different to the others?
The ‘relationship’ progressed and the doubts set in along with that gut feeling or intuition that something wasn’t quite right. He told me he loved me after 4 weeks, proposed after 8 weeks then moved into my home. The arguments started which were “all my fault as I had severe trust issues”, he wouldn’t ever cheat on me I was his perfect woman. I then felt the guilt of accusing him, he would storm out and give me the silent treatment for days. I would stupidly apologize and promise to work on my insecurities. He’d be back in a flash
like nothing had ever happened, treat me nice then back to the silent treatment. Only each time he came back, the arguments got more heated and he became more angry. Apparently I over analyzed, kept bringing up his past and not allowing him his freedom.
It got to the point where I lost every bit of confidence I’d built up, I doubted myself, tried to be the perfect girlfriend but deep down I had this insecure, nagging doubt that something was wrong. It became the norm with us breaking up then getting back together, I gave up on my friends and social life and invested everything I had into this joke of a relationship.
Sadly, my dad was fighting terminal cancer at Christmas time, which meant me caring for him and helping my mum and trying to be a support to my son. He died in early December. I was devastated and hoped that my caring partner would be by my side, after all he’d promised my dad he would in the short time he knew him. His support felt fake and forced and not one tear she’d by him.
I continued to grieve and along with the relationship becoming more and more strained I was struggling to cope. He was asking me to borrow money but working many hours, seeing his other children on a regular basis but showing me less and less affection. He never liked me questioning his feelings.
I eventually realised after yet another disappearing act that this man was wearing me down to nothing which in turn was affecting my son. I stood my ground calmly, packed his stuff and left outside. When he realized I had seen through him he flipped. Put a hole in my front door, trashed my garden and became very intimidating. He stormed off in his car and left me some vile voice messages. I felt relief but empty.
That could’ve been the end of it, as that’s when I came across the term Narcissism. Then I found out I was pregnant…
He slowly wormed his way back into my life and my home. He was over the moon, couldn’t wait to be a dad again, came to midwife appointments and my 8 week scan. Even started suggesting baby names in memory of my dad. I felt elated and believed that maybe this might work and what was I thinking? Accusing him of having NPD! It was all in my head.
No. He became argumentative and I knew he was looking for a way out. He came home after work and confessed he been taking drugs all night. My emotions got the better of me and that was it, he was out. For the last time. This time he didn’t fight for me or ‘hoover’ he asked for his stuff, he took it, blocked me and went no contact. I was in denial there was someone else and was heartbroken, believing this to be all my fault and blaming my insecurities. I was determined to carry on working though, went to the next scan on my own and took my son on a little holiday. I still had this feeling of no closure though. I needed to know what he had been doing behind my back.
He didn’t cover his tracks so well. His phone contract was in my name oh I was paying for that monthly! I reported his phone stolen and had a sim card sent out the next day, same number. I wasn’t prepared for what I discovered.
I had a 4 week airtime bill in front of me of all the numbers he had text messaged and called. Many sent to the same numbers, up to 70 texts a day. I contacted a lot of them who happened to be young pretty girls.
Then came the final blow, his ex before me happened to be one of them numbers. I calmly told her that I’m owed money by him and money is tight with a baby on the way. She knew nothing of a baby and said he had been staying there. She confronted him and he flipped, stormed off and blamed me for everything saying he never loved me and he only ever wanted her. Me and her had a long chat and unraveled all his lies, he had been sleeping with her throughout our relationship.
Turns out we were both tricked and played andnow he left us both heartbroken. He is still trying to get back with her now, apparently saying his life is ruined.
So, now I feel nothing but anger towards him and the extent of his lies are shocking. He has been living a double life the whole time but cast me aside like I was nothing. In a way I’m relieved that I know the truth but angry and hurt that he will continue doing this ruining people’s and innocent children’s lives.
My only worry now is trying to rebuild my relationship with my son and having this baby. I am carrying so much bitterness at the moment that’s it’s hard not to get stressed out. I would appreciate any advice on how I can move forward.
Thank you and I look forward to reading your books x
Zari Ballard
June 10, 2015 at 6:45 pmHi SophN,
Oh my, how very sad, sister. I am so very sorry that you are going through this. If it is any consolation at all, there are so many who have come here telling the same story…please be sure to read the stories in the comments under the articles because I am sure you will find them. I know it offers little comfort but sometimes it helps to know that we are NOT alone. And my books will help you – that I do know. If nothing else, they will empower you to make some very important decisions coming up.
I feel that it is very important to make him legally responsible for this child. I’m not saying as a “daddy” because we already know that he can never be that and I’m not even saying financially because Lord knows he probably is incapable of that as well. I’m not even sure what I’m saying – LOL – but it is making me insane that these monsters are able to get away with this over and over simply by shifting the blame or storming off or giving one girl or another the silent treatment at appropriate times or however they figure they need to do it in order to escape responsibility. I’m always torn in what advice to give when there’s going to be a baby involved. While NONE of me wants the narcissist to ever be involved in your life again, I do feel, when there’s a pregnancy, that he HAS to pay somehow, someway – either financially per the courts (but without rights as a dad) or simply by knowing (even if he ignores it) that there is a legal document MAKING his responsible no matter where he goes or who he shacks up with. Very rarely are they held responsible. The other option is to petition for a paternity test and then, once it comes out positive, petition HIM to give up his parental rights, whereby forcing HIM to court to either give up his rights or accept financial responsibility. Believe me, I try as hard as I can to avoid the “revenge” factor but, in these cases, it is so very hard.
I wish for you nothing but the best and I do hope you will provide me updates as to how you are doing. One day at a time is all you can do. Understand that he will use the pregnancy as he did before to worm his way in and out FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF STRINGING YOU ALONG SO THAT HE CAN AVOID RESPONSIBILITY. Do not accept that – ever. You KNOW what he is and the damage he has caused in his wake to numerous women and, now you know, children. At the very least, if to bring him to court is simply too much (which I understand), then vow to live your life as if you never met him. He is pure evil and you and your son deserve better in this life. YOU, my sister, deserve happiness!!
Please stay in touch, okay? I’m here to support you…
Zari xo
SophN
June 12, 2015 at 7:07 amZari, Thank you for the reply it means a lot. You must feel so much frustration reading through all the emails you receive and seeing the amount of destruction caused by these monsters.
Just a quick update, as you predicted he has been calling me constantly for 2 days now from a ‘withheld number’ and leaving me voicemail messages. The first one he was apologizing for the hurt he’s caused me and expressing his needs to talk about the baby. I ignored his further calls. Last night he left another voicemail, this time sounding annoyed that I dared ignore his calls! He went on to say that I need to keep my mouth shut as it’s affecting his new supply (I mean partner) and after all none of this is her fault so to back off! Apparently he’s genuinely sorry for what he’s put me through but we still need to talk about baby. His message had a very intimidating, nasty tone.
I have been feeling so much more positive since my first post on here, so I was ready for his call this morning. Unfortunately, no contact is very difficult with a baby on the way and he knows this. I told him I only wanted to discuss the baby and had no interest in discussing anything else. I told him my due date and that we need absolutely no contact til then. He was more interested in warning me off his partner and threatening me. I tried explaining that he would only have supervised access to the baby which made him question me why then went on to accuse me of being an unfit mother. At that, I politely said goodbye and ended the call.
But why do I feel so angry again?? What does he actually want from me and why the intimidating behaviour? I’m more mad at myself for not keeping my cool on the phone but I suppose these people drive you to it and now I feel like I’m back at square one and I’m to blame. As much as my friends have been great, they don’t always offer the most practical advice. I really feel he is going to make my life as hard as possible but it’s hard not to let it affect me.
Thank you, and books being ordered today, sounds like I’m going to need them! X
Zari Ballard
June 15, 2015 at 10:38 amHi SophN,
I’m so glad that you’ve ordered the books, girl, because they will absolutely help you. Look, you are NOT back to square one. It doesn’t sound to me as if you lost control at all. So what if you hung up – he deserves to get hung up on. His obvious worry here is how the baby situation and YOU could affect his relationship with the new target. Too bad!! If he keeps hounding you for all the wrong reasons, I wouldn’t be above using his worry to my advantage (i.e. “Look, you’re only calling to give me a hard time and what I’m going through is hard enough. YOU are not going through ANYTHING. Keep pushing me and all my anxiety over being pregnant and what YOU did is going to trickle over into your new relationship. I’ll make sure of it. This is YOUR doing and no matter what you say or do, you’re not getting out of the responsibility.”)
Again, you are NOT back to square one. You did just fine. I completely understand how NC with a baby coming is tricky and it doesn’t mean that you have to be nice to the jerk. Think INDIFFERENCE & DETACHMENT as best you can when you do speak to him and now, since he knows the due date, I don’t see why you’d have to accept any calls from him. Keep doing what you’re doing. I’m really proud of you. What you are going through is amazingly difficult and I’ll support you in any way that I can!!!
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Motivate12
June 4, 2015 at 10:07 amEverything became clear to me less than a month ago. For the past 12 years I have been living with a narcissist, with the exception of a 4 year time span we were apart following our divorce.
Last April, after he ended a 3 year relationship with his live in girlfriend, he convinced me to move back in, suggesting he “always loved me” and we could be a family. I have 3 children, two of my children are with him. From all appearances he is an excellent father to his kids. I am an educated, professional woman. I also suffer from major depression-the episodes lately have been so chronic , it is impacting my happiness, it is impacting my functioning. With my new found information I am trying to make better decisions about my interactions with him.
However, we are in a period now where I know he he is harvesting new “supply” with a girl he met during the course of our relationship when we decided to be “open” because he had some unmet sexual needs. I look back on the last year, and I get angry, then I get frustrated, then I get sad. I moved out this past weekend, and it is as if I am reliving my divorce from him all over again-all the pain, all the rejection and his lack of care if I am there or not. It really kills me to think about him grooming someone else, although it is not at all a surprise.
I am trying to get through this to the other side, because I know that I will be so much stronger and happier. Getting there is not easy, it hurts like hell. Reading your articles and words helps, because it provides me insight, it gives me validation to how I am feeling and allows me to see it for what it is from him: never going to change, a sickness-but there is always this small nagging part of my brain that screams “what if I am wrong?” what if it is me-what if I am unlovable? What if all those times he said it was my fault and he could never make me happy-were true? I am not perfect, so there are things I have done during our relationship to get my emotional needs met that I am not proud of, I just want to move away from the emptiness and jealousy I feel now for his disregard of me. I want to get to a place where I don’t care and it actually makes me chuckle. I am trying to learn that sharing my emotions and feelings with him, does nothing for me but make me feel worse. I have wanted to tell her (the new girl) all about this, but feel like it is not my place. I see only bad things coming from it, I will just look more crazy and desperate.
I am going to try this strategy of Postpone and Pretend..
Zari Ballard
June 29, 2015 at 12:38 pmDear Motivate12,
Thank you for writing and I’m sorry that you are going through this. First of all, understand that no decent man would ever make you feel as if you have to agree to an “open” relationship so that he can fulfill his unmet sexual needs. That is complete and utter bullshit. He is a narcissist and a chronic cheater and it will never ever end. You can not change him…nor does he WANT to be changed. I don’t care what kind of “emotional needs” you have had….they pale in comparison to his narcissistic antics and, moreover, I’ve no doubt that he caused you to have them by emotionally manipulating you to suit his own purpose.
if you can, please download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because my story will provide you even further validation of what is and has been happening throughout the course of your relationship. The problem is that you appear to want to find a way to deal with it and still remain in the relationship. I’m sure that, in his thinking, you agreed to be “open” before so, to him, that means for the rest of his life. It’s like his free pass to cheat and he’s gonna use it up, believe me. You have to decide whether you really want to waste any more time with this asshole. If you get my book, you will hear the tale of my own 13-year nightmare with a narcissist and you will see yourself on every page. I know that it’s hard to give up your history together, but what could is a history if the other person truly could care less. To a narcissist, 12 years is the same as 12 minutes and he loves nothing and nobody.
You have to get out once and for all. There is going to be no healing for you if you stay. Understanding what he is should be your reason for leaving, not staying. Postponing and pretending is a mental strategy for recovery AFTER the relationship is over – for THAT pain. Postponing and pretending while you’re still living together and while he’s running around doing what he wants is only going to give him more of a free pass. It has to end. He’s not worth a piece of shit in my book.
Think about your life. You survived without him before…you can do it again. Thank God that you’re divorced and it can be a clean break. Life is so short and you and I wasted enough time already!!! Get out while you can and happiness will find you:)
Please, please read the book, sister, and I’m also available for phone consultations if you feel that you need to talk one on one. Otherwise, feel free to write here any time. I’m here to support you!
Zari xo
Catherine Kane
May 7, 2015 at 12:15 amHi Zari,
I hope you are well. Just relaxing in the sunshine with my Beau on holiday.
I wanted to run something past you as you know these N’s inside out.
2 days before I went away, I was meeting my friends in the usual pub. My friend text me to say the devil had turned up but was leaving soon.
I turned up regardless, as I have said, I am past hiding.
When I got there he was standing outside with them wearing a smart suit and had a tan!
Immediately I got the feeling he would hope I would see him suited and booted and sun tanned!
My friend told me that he happened to walk past and one of them said hello…. In other words… They were saying he did not turn up, he was passing and they noticed him …. So I could not say he expected that as they could have ignored him and he would have maybe carried on walking…. My friend would not make that up!
Also, apparently he asked if I was coming and would I be ok with him there…. To which my friend told him I would not care!
He was laughing and joking and talking about how GREAT business was…. How great life was and how he was picking his girlfriends kids up later…. The great family man!
Anyhow, I ignored him and he left kissing all my friends and mutual friends and totted off down the road.
When he left, my friend said that he was LOADED now, running some great company, thus the suit and tan…
I asked her if she really believed that and she did say it was a bit much that for the whole 20 mins he was there he spent the whole time bragging about his career and wealth.
I don’t know what to think …. He obviously had been on holiday, had a suit…. Maybe his life has taken an amazing turn in a year…. He could pay me back if so rich now????
It upset me a bit as I was only telling you recently about his photos only in their living room etc…
I wish I had never gone pub that night as I did not want to see and hear those things and I did not want him to know I was there and could see and hear!
Please offer me some clarification on all this.
Love you
Cat
Zari Ballard
May 12, 2015 at 8:52 pmHey Cat,
Hmmmmm…well, not sure what to think here. Of course, it’s very possible that he got his shit together CAREER WISE and FOR THE MOMENT but everything a narc does is fleeting. You know, I know how it is….we like to imagine that they are always down and out and then when we hear something different we have a twinge and we’re not even sure why. The fact is that narcissists have to “get by” in life just like everyone else and so sometimes they have to whip it into high gear to get it done. What I find so typical about what Martin is doing is that he is flashing it around KNOWING that he owes you money. This is how they think. It’s all about appearances and how they can look to the rest of the world. It doesn’t occur to them that it’s WRONG to do this around people to which they owe money – HELLO!!! False sense of entitlement, of course.
As for the money….well….I might feel that the next time I saw him out flashing himself around, bragging about his life, that I’d be absolutely entitled to walk up to him and say, “Wow…looks like you’re doing alright. So, does that mean you can pay me back now?”. I’d also make sure I had someone standing close by…meaning I do not suggest that you go off into a corner to chat with him (he doesn’t deserve that consideration and it would give him a split second to turn on the charm) but instead have friends close by. Now, having said that, the response you’ll get would likely be that blank stupid stare we’re so familiar with so you’d have to be prepared for that as well. He doesn’t think he owes you a dime right now, don’t forget. My fear is that initiating a conversation just might inadvertently send you down the rabbit hole just because it may lead to a second conversation and then a third as he drags out his response, how he’ll pay you back, some here, some there….can you call me? Who knows? Bastard! I hate for you to even have to talk to him at all…too bad you couldn’t get a message to him through someone else although I hate to advise that as well. However, I know it’s a good chunk of cash and I’d be feeling just as you are right now about him flaunting his good fortune where you obviously could find out about it.
Think good and hard about it, Cat…whether any of it is worth it. If it must be done (since he basically boasted and bragged about it – asshole!), then focus on minimal contact, if at all, to do it. AND you also have to think ahead to when you would know that AGAIN you weren’t going to get it (if that was the case and you started getting the run around), know what I mean? Things to ponder as you lay on the beach with your new beau YOU LUCKY BITCH!!!! LOLOLOL Love you!!
Zari xo
Catherine
May 13, 2015 at 7:39 amHi Zari,
Thinking more logically, I think the devil is full of shit.
I mean why happen to be where he know I will be the one time he is in a suit and has a tan?
Because he wanted me to see him and think how well he is doing…
And I thought back to the many, many times when I was with him listening to him bragging to everyone back then whilst I sat there and thought to myself “well I know that is a lie, and that is a lie, so is that”
When I would give him cash walking to the pub to make it look as if he is paying for a round of drinks.
I mean, really…. can you imagine him turning up knowing I was there looking like shit and claiming poverty? of course not!
I am supposed to be jealous and wish I was still with him lol.
The fact is I could not give a fuck… the money he owes me is a small price to pay for getting this no good, useless, pathetic piece of shit out of my life.
He is a nobody and still has nothing…
Why spend the whole time talking about his success?
Really sucessful people would not brag.
Why is it he always moves in with his girlfriends from his parents?
Because he has nothing and never will.
All of us girls he moved in with he told people he owned our flats and cars….
Erm, no… just more pathalogical lying and pretending to be someone he is not!
As you once insitefully said… nothing an N does is by coincidence….
Why ask if I was coming?
Stop fucking asking about me….. I don’t ask about you!
He planned it all.
Pathetic tramp he is.
Her story will be all of our stories eventually.
Love Cat
Zari Ballard
May 16, 2015 at 6:18 pmHi Cat,
Exactly. What’s so ludicrous is that you’d think – considering the amount of money he owes you – that he’d MAKE SURE that when he came to the pub he was looking as impoverished as possible!! Not the other way around! Shows you just how shallow he is and how strong is his false sense of entitlement. It’s all just a fucking charade. As you say, small price to pay, girlfriend, and she’ll be here before you know it:)
Much Love,
Zarixo
Zari Ballard
July 6, 2015 at 2:37 amHey Cat,
Just checking up on you to see if all is well. The last time you wrote you seemed very stressed about your friend who was obviously dealing with a narcissist extraordinaire. I hope that things have mellowed for her and that you and your wonderful beau are enjoying each other this summer. Your probably sitting on some beach somewhere as we speak!! No rush to write back…just wanted to say hi, that’s all:)
Love ya,
Zari xo
Grace
May 31, 2015 at 10:26 pmHi Zari,
I am going through a divorce with a man that is a Narcissist, at first my councilor thought he had Asperger’s but she believes he shows many characteristics of a Narcissist. So I would love to have no contact with him, because I feel so much better when I do not have to communicate with him. However we have a son together and we need to communicate about our son sometimes. I am trying to keep it to a minimum, and mostly via text and e-mail. He is fighting me for coustody and wants more visitation with him. He sees him every other weekend and every Weds, now he is fighting for an addiitonaly day. My son who is 11 knows there is something not right about his father and believes he act very oddly at times. I have never said anything negative about my ex to my son and have never said that I think he is a Narciccist or may also have Asperger’s. There has been no official diagnosis so my lawyer says it is very diffficult to prove. My lawyer does not like the idea of a guardian ad litem because if you get a bad one they can be very unpredictible and they are court appointed. My son does not want to see his father many times or even talk with him on the phone because my ex continues to bully my son and degrades him they way he talkes to him. Do you have any suggestions to help protect my son? He does see a councilor but it does not seem to be helping. Please help my heart is being ripped out of my chest every time my son calls crying asking me to pick him up and I am not allowed to.
Zari Ballard
June 15, 2015 at 1:04 pmDear Grace,
please forgive me for taking so long to respond. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I went through the same thing years ago with my son’s dad (who is not the narcissist of my books but just as bad). I, too, never talked bad about him even though he trashed me up and down but by the age of ten, my son knew what was up. He continued to fly and see him (after he moved from here) and my ex continued to bully him and degrade him as well – it was awful. I had primary custody but there were many times he refused to give him back and I had to call the cops. It was a frigging nightmare.
I guarantee that your ex does not have Aspergers and I’m completely surprised that any therapist would say that. And, of course, you can’t call him a narcissist in court because it’s not an “official” anything. However, more and more, judges are seeing through these monsters and the truth is that, if you keep a low profile, and don’t get excited (because that’s what he wants), he will likely end up digging himself into a parental grave like my ex did. Narcissists see themselves as above the law and they have a tendency to act as such and, believe me, it doesn’t come across well in court.
Now, I just looked up the definition of guardian ad litem because I had never heard of it and, for the life of me, why would appointing one of those be even an option brought to the table? I don’t know what state you are in but from what I can see, a guardian ad litem is like having Child Protective Services step in to decide who is the better parent and that’s bullshit. Your lawyer is right! Do not allow that. People get divorced every day and have custody battles…you do NOT have to go that route. Are you saying that you were thinking about doing it so that someone else could decide if your ex is unfit or not? This is dangerous because a court-appointed guardian ad litem is NOT an expert by any means and basically, as I see it, can basically choose for the parent they “like” the most. Certainly, it’s not supposed to be that way but it’s possible that it could. Do not do that. if all he’s asking for is an additional day, then give it to him. It’s likely that he’ll end up losing interest in his visitation once the game is decided. All he wants is to push your buttons.
Look, eventually – and not to far from now – your son is going to say “I’m not going” and any father who physically forces a child to see him when it’s clear the child doesn’t want to warrants you seeking legal help to take away custody completely – so I doubt he’d push it to that limit. Give him the additonal day and then, every so often, find a reason why your son can’t make it. Maybe a playdate comes up or get him involved in something that takes up the day or maybe one of the other days. There are ways around it. But for God Sake’s, don’t risk some idiot from the court really making a mess just for one day. Do you know what I’m saying?
Your son will be okay just as my mine turned out. T too would cry every time I knew he wanted to come home and my ex had him EVERY weekend and holidays.This went on for years and then one day my ex, selfishly saying that he was “sick of being the second parent”, gave my son an ultimatum (“Me or your mother”) and my son chose me. We never saw my ex again and it’s been almost ten years. My son is 26 now and does the abandomment bother him? Of course but it is what it is and at least now we have peace.
Be strong. Give him his extra day and continue on being the best mom you can be. The narcissist will fade away as soon as the boy becomes to old for his bullying. Then he will lose interest and fade away. It’s very sad but it is for the best.
Please, I would love to have an update. I am here to support you, I really am:)
Zari xo
Rosemary Wyeth
March 22, 2015 at 4:36 pmHi
I am just about to order your books and am particularly interested in anything about recovery following the end of the relationship as I hope and pray I’ve finally got rid.
My story was complicated slightly the fact the man is a crack addict – I didn’t know this when we met, so many of the disappearances were due to him using. We lived together, he would disappear for days, he would not let me on his facebook but used this as a dating site, he would have women send him pornographic photos of themselves, all of which I found. My personality completely changed. I became suspicious, paranoid even, miserable, never smiled, insular. I lost my friends who couldn’t stand him and even at one point lost my family after he pulled a knife on my son and I took his side.
He would vanish back to his home town for weeks at a time, on one occasion his family reported him as a missing person. He would tell me he was madly in love with this woman or that and take off to live with her. He would move in with someone he had only ever spoken to on facebook!
I left my home and my job to be with him. Miles from anyone I knew, the mental abuse increased. One night we spent with his friends (boy & girlfriend). He walked them home and ended up screwing the woman! (The boy friend told me at a later date). He didn’t see anything wrong this behaviour saying she offered him ‘a threesome’.
Eventually I threw him out and he kicked my door in. He was already on probation for drug offences and so he went to prison. By the time he came out I had moved back to my home and my children but still he contacted me even though there’s an injunction in force. He will go three months and then send a text saying he’s sorry, he loves me, he’s in a bad place, his dad is dying, he misses me – anything to pull at my heart strings.
The final straw came when once again I went to his aid only to be confronted with his now girlfriend – another addict. Even this week he sent me a message to say he is going into detox and is clinging on the hope I will still be single when he comes out! I have now blocked him.
During our time together he has stolen everything from me, I am badly in debt but working to try to repay it – it will probably take me over ten years and I’m 55 now!
My problem is still I cannot stop thinking about him. I am the stage that I don’t want him back, I don’t actually care who he’s with. I do miss his family badly but they know what a dick he is and are willing to stay friends with me for now. I am however feeling big, strong urges for revenge. I want him to pay for what he’s put me through and I am obsessing over that right now. I need to get some peace. I need to move on and try ultimately to find a relationshiip with someone who will respect me and treat me well – however, I have met other people during periods of his absences and have never found anyone else so exciting! I need to work on removing the need for drama from my life.
Thanks for your help, its really comforting to know I am not alone.
Roz
Zari Ballard
March 26, 2015 at 10:53 pmHi Roz,
I do hope that you ordered the books because they will be really helpful to you now. All of them discuss in detail how to recover and how to change your thinking so that it’s not so painful. We get relationship amnesia and it keeps us from really making a clean break.
I have to comment, though, about the fact that you remain friends with his family. You say that “they are willing to stay friends with you”…why is it even necessary? It will never work. The only way to end this once and for all is to break the ties that bind – all of them. No contact means just that and it’s not always about not contacting just the narc/sociopath. It’s about staying away from anyone or anything that has the ability or the resources to give you periodic updates on what he’s doing, who he’s with, how he’s behaving, whether he’s in jail or out, whether he’s in rehab, and what have you. I know that it’s hard but it must be done. There’s no way that you can NOT be speaking to his family but not talking or thinking about him. It’s impossible. No matter how close you think that you are with them or how much they agree with you that he’s a dick, they are still his family and, when all is said and done, they’re going to side with him. Stay away from them. You don’t NEED their friendship. You only think you miss them but what you really miss is the connection to him. I understand this, I really do. But it will never ever work and you will never be able to move on. I’m not saying that you have to be rude to them. I’m just saying that you need to pull away. Don’t call them to chat or text them or what have you. Believe me, they’ll be okay with it because I have no doubt that the relationship, even though they like you, is annoying to them on some level. Do you understand this? I just wish for you the best and this will be a major obstacle to your recovery. Read the books and please feel free to write anytime. You’re not alone in the fight and this is what I’m here for:)
Zari xo
Alysa
March 19, 2015 at 11:40 pmI broke! It had been months since I contacted my N or he has contacted me. And I broke the other day. I have been calling and texting for the last 4 days. Telling him I love him, I miss him, I don’t want him out of my life! I really thought this time around I was finished and moving on and how here I am trying to get him back? After what he’s done to me for 9 years I can’t believe I feel this way about him. It scares me. I think about him and what he’s put me through both good and bad daily and then he is always in my dreams. Sometimes during the day I will get flashbacks of us-the good of course and want him back. I know you have talked about Trauma Bonding in your other posts and I think that is what is happening. One day I hate him the next day or days I miss him so much! This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. And I don’t like this is who I have become. I have always walked away from someone who has mistreated me, but for some reason I have stayed for 9 years, for some reason I took the blame and made the apologizes over and over again. I allowed this to happen and all I want is for him to come back! Sometimes the pain and hurt is so unbearable. I am lost and confused on how anyone could hurt and treat another human so horrible. I tell myself he is messed up mentally and emotionally, he is the one who is wrong but I love him.
Zari Ballard
March 22, 2015 at 9:16 pmHello Alysa,
Okay, girl, take a deep, deep breath. You are having a minor setback but you WILL get back on the right path. Stop texting, stop calling…it’s not too late to get back on the wagon. Breaking no contact isn’t the end of the world…it’s just the end of no contact and it’s only temporary. We’ve all done it at one point or another. I don’t get the urge to contact him anymore but was certainly touch and go for quite a while after the final discard. Like you, I was with my N for many, many years. If we didn’t feel the ache of what could have been, we wouldn’t be normal. We’d be just like him. The only problem, though, is that this person is not what you’re remembering right now. You are having a bout of relationship amnesia, that’s all. If you haven’t read my book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing, you need to download it TODAY from Amazon. And if you’ve read it, you need to read it again and do the exercises. You’re going to be okay, sister, I promise you. He’ll never change and you know that. You’ve come this far and you need to just keep going. It’s hard to wrap our head around what they do…that they could care less about a history with us that spanned years. The rejection is debilitating, I know that. But it does pass. I am 2 1/2 years in now…since he kissed me good-by and never ever came back. Since the final discard. And I’m still here and I’m still breathing and I don’t panic anymore. You will get to this point, I promise you.
And yes, of course he is the problem. And right now he is being the same person that he was with you. He will never be any other way. Get back to No Contact today. BLOCK HIM. JUST DO IT. Don’t give him the satisfaction of being able to respond or NOT respond. Play Postpone & Pretend starting now. Every morning, tell yourself that you’ll miss him TOMORROW and get on with your day, pretending as if you just don’t give a shit about him at all. Then, tomorrow, do it all over again.
You can do this…I know you can. If I could hop in the car and come get you, I would in a heartbeat, girlfriend! Instead, I can only send you a huge hug!!!! OOXX If it’s any consolation, it must be in the air right now because so many are lapsing. But it’s not the end of the world…it’s just another step in the process of being free! Let me know how you’re doing…please! I will be awaiting an update. You know that I’m here if you need me….
Zari xo
Alysa
March 24, 2015 at 8:52 pmThanks so much for you love and support Zari. I have not contacted him in two days which isn’t much, but I have to start somewhere (again). If I do get an urge to reach out to him I have to stop myself and think about what he’s put me through and how I can’t go back to that. I can’t keep spending my life with a sociopath. No matter how much I have loved him and cared for him it’s never going to be anything but heartache and pain.
Now my next hurtle will be not to think of him daily-good or bad and not to think about him at night and what I wish I could say, yell, scream at him. He is not worth losing sleep over and I have to tell myself this every night. The worst is when my N is in my dreams which is often. The dream does not always about him, but he is still there in my dreams.
Wow, they are really good at what they do.
Thanks again for everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XOXOXO
Cindy
March 19, 2015 at 2:08 amI just finished reading your book last night. Some of the behaviors you describe from your own experience (and that typical of a N) is so familiar to me it’s downright creepy! But thank you so much, your book validated many of my hunches and intuitions. And I’m not typically a paranoid or irrational person.
While my N was never quite as brazen as yours (thank goodness) we were together for nearly 5 years. During that time, he never introduced me to any of his family or his friends (though he doesn’t really have any close friends). He is Indian (I’m white) and his excuse has been that dating is a no-no in his family’s culture. I broke up with him at one point about 18 months ago because I was tired of being the secret, and after 4 months he wanted to mend things…promising to not keep me a secret any longer (a promise he didn’t’ keep).
Ironically he’s a Psychiatrist. I’m sure he’s aware of his NPD, though I’ve never called him out on it. Getting him to say I Love You has been like pulling teeth. And if he thinks you are trying to control him (in any other relationship, it would be considered cooperation & compromise), he will become defiant and a complete butt for weeks. And don’t even try to make advance plans with him on ANYTHING. Meanwhile the person he plays while out with my friends is Mr. Fun, Happy, Super Cool. And I have caught him in some of the dumbest lies over the years.
The first Silent Treatment was 3 years ago when I was watching his dogs while he was on vacation and he didn’t pick them up until the day after he promised. My being angry at him was enough for him to go Silent for 19 days. No apology after that, but I didn’t get another Silent Treatment until just this past May. And since then he’s dished the Silent Treatment out 4 times, from 10 days to 21 days, with the last one being indefinite. Prior to this last one, the dumbest reason for Silent Treatment (10 days) was when I told him I wouldn’t watch his dogs after one of them bit me and ran off for an hour. I stood my ground when he wanted that favor again, and it was enough for the Big Punishment. What a sense of entitlement.
In early December (3 weeks before the final Discard) we were on a trip to Cabo (I won an all-expenses-paid trip through work and he was my guest) I discovered by accident on his laptop that he had an online profile on an Indian Matrimonial Site (he had left the screen open). He was sitting next to me in bed, and I was crestfallen and immediately started crying. He insisted that it was his parent’s doing, and that he was just going along with it for them. He said he would face his parents and tell them about me soon, and was profusely apologetic. Like a fool, I fell for it.
I got the final Discard on Jan 1, on my birthday. My exN was supposed to come over for NYE after getting off from work. He even called at 6 to see what was for dinner and what movie I wanted to watch. My daughter was here at the house with me, and it was my N’s idea that we just have a quiet evening. At 8:30 he calls. I assume he’s calling to say that he’s on his way after being delayed. Well, he’s calling to say he’s going out with his two buddies. He’s acting like this was something he mentioned earlier, and ignoring me when I object to being stood up like this.
The next morning he calls (my birthday now) and tells me to pick out a movie at the theater, “his treat.” I insist on an apology for being stood up, and he’s acting like this was perfectly reasonable. He keeps brushing that off and tells me to pick out a movie. After my stating one way and then another that I deserve an apology, I call him an inconsiderate asshole (trust me, that was being nice). He says, “Oh so that’s how you are going to be” and it sounds like he throws the phone down. I hang up, thinking that’s that (announcer’s voice: “the silent treatment will now begin”). None of the previous silent treatments last more than 21 days, and at 15 days I call but he doesn’t contact. A day later I text and call. Nothing.
The whole flaking out on NYE felt like a setup. He knows how I hate when he bails on plans with me without advance notice (it’s been an argument before), and I am certain he did it to cause a fight and give him an easy escape. I guess that it was my birthday was like a sweet bonus in his eyes. An even crueler punishment.
By grand coincidence, he had borrowed$1700 in August with the promise to pay it back in January. Now I panic. I am thinking, he’s justifying keeping my money! And I need it for some house repairs (as he knows). I text to remind him to pay the loan. No response. By mid February, I’m furious. I text him I’m going to file a Small Claims Suit on Monday if he doesn’t either pay me back or write up a payment plan if he’s unable to pay in full. Voila, the phone rings (58 days later).
By this point I had discovered narcissism by Google and had read quite a bit into it. So in our conversation, I let him do a lot of the talking (seeing no point in defending my position since he’ll just discredit it). His rationale for going Silent for 58 days was because I hung up on him. And no one hangs up on him! And he’s insisting I apologize and saying that since I won’t, he’d still like to think we are friends (inferring I’m the irrational one since I’m not offering the olive branch for friendship at this juncture). Crazy talk. At least I got a written agreement (email) from him for a payment plan (nothing was in writing other than “loan” on the memo of my check) and he sent in his first payment. That was 18 days ago, and he’s still silent, which is fine. No need for me to go NC, he’s off doing his thing. His online profile has been updated, so I guess that’s his N Supply (or one of them).
Oh, and to mention the $1700 was for him to catch up on bills. Instead he bought himself a 70 inch 3D TV in December, two weeks before the final Discard.
I am very mad at myself for missing him even though I know he will never change, never genuinely be sorry for hurting me (the truth is that he set out to hurt me intentionally), and is probably with another woman (or women). And while my friends support me in my breakup, I haven’t told them the entire truth (such as the previous Silent Treatments or his online profile) because it’s just embarrassing that I’d be in a relationship like that.
Zari Ballard
March 21, 2015 at 5:18 amHi Cindy,
Thank you for reading the book and I’m sorry you are going through this. Shit, the silent treatments you describe sound EXACTLY as I received them in my own 13-year nightmare. ST’s are the cruelest of all the narcissistic punishments and they are NOT normal. Do not be embarrassed, sister, because it is not abnormal for us to assume that the person we love is telling us the truth. Why would we think differently? And, besides that, narcissists are very very good at what they do, as you know. They know how to tell a lie and they know what we need to hear so that they get what they want. From here going forward, though, you must be strong and committed to your own recovery. Missing him is a normal feeling so allow yourself to go through it but, at the same time, do not cling to it. The silences will never end, believe me. There are certain narcissists that absolutely LOVE to give the silent treatments for every little reason and yours and mine are two of those narcissists. It is very painful and you’ve got to let it all go. Hopefully, you will receive all your money back but do not let that keep you attached to him indefinitely, okay? A little bit of money – no matter how much you need it – is never worth what could become a lifetime of anxiety and SILENCE.
Stay strong and keep in touch! You are never alone and I’m here if you need me….
Zari xo