Narcissists & The Art of Future-Faking

wolfCalling out a narcissist as a pathological liar is not as important as pin pointing the type of lying that he does that really cuts us to the core: future-faking. By this, I mean that the narcissist talks about or hints at a future together to get what he wants from us right now. Indeed, his innate ability to future-fake is probably the narcissist’s most effective tactic for managing down our expectations and the biggest reason for why we stay in a relationship that is obviously so bad for us. In other words, it’s the depth and breadth of the lie that we become tethered to because it speaks to our heart’s desires…to what we’ve wanted all along. The narcissist, of course, knows this and thus will use his knowledge of our heartfelt desires to string us along until the end of time. It’s the part of the narcissistic pathological relationship agenda that lends itself to the fact that there is no boundary that a narcissist will not cross to get what he wants in the moment that he wants it.

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Now, mind you, what I’m talking about here goes far beyond the periodic broken promise because a periodic broken promise can be easily forgiven when followed by a promise kept. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the perpetual broken promise that carries the allusion of a promised future. It’s these types of broken promises that hurt the most because the lie itself is intensified by the authenticity of the way it’s presented. The narcissistic lover will spin us a future via promises containing all the words we want to hear. They’ll spin us a future via mirroring back to us all the things that we want from the relationship. They get us to stay or to come back or to wait for them to come back by faking a future with us that ultimately never happens. Future-faking is so much worse than ordinary lying because it shows how much of a pretender extraordinaire the narcissist really is.

For the first few years of my 13-year relationship, I made it so easy for my ex-boyfriend to future fake that he barely had to say a word – and he knew it. If he even alluded to doing something together in the “future”, I’d ride the fucking wave of hope right up to the shoreline where he’d gleefully slap me off my surfboard. Up until that point, of course, he’d have gotten whatever he wanted which was usually to stroll back in after several weeks of silence (with no repercussions or questions asked) or to have hot sex not after but during a fight or to distract me from catching him in a lie. For all of the above, he had no problem saying whatever it took to get the job done. Eventually, I grew defiant and combative whenever he even mentioned a future event because I knew it would never happen but that didn’t stop him from future-faking because to deliberately deceive me was… well… just too much fun!

Here are some of the ways that a narcissist will use future-faking to keep us in his queue of narcissistic supply:

  1. Future-faking during the idolize/love-bombing phase to make us think that this person really wants the same things that we do in life. This type of future-faking creates what I call the soulmate effect. Example: “Oh My God, that’s my favorite band too! Look, they’re coming in 4 months. I’ll get us some tickets – that’s a date!” or “You know, from the moment I saw you, I just KNEW we’d be together for a really long time” or “I can’t believe we like ALL the same things. I’ve never had that with anybody. YOU are the one for me.”
  2. Future-faking as a hoovering technique but only when we’ve had enough and have finally gone No Contact. Since a narcissist can typically lure us back with mere crumbs, future-faking is the emergency back-up in his bag of hoovering tricks. Example (by phone) “No, no no…don’t hang up! I wanna get married!” or (by text) “Hey it’s me. Look, I’m sorry. Let’s live together” or (in person) “Wait..look into my eyes. Can’t you see how much I love you? I want to grow old together.”
  3. Future-faking to end a fight. If, in the middle of a fight, the narcissist feels as if he may be losing, he’ll typically toss out some future-fakery to get you to relinquish control. Example: “Okay, okay..look, can’t we just stop this nonsense and get married or something?”
  4. Future-faking as part of conversation. Narcissists, as we know, thoroughly enjoy hearing the sound of their own voice and consequently will future fake just to keep the conversation going. Example: “Hey, I’ve been thinking that you could really help me start my business. What do ya think? Wanna do it together?” or “Remember when we talked about France awhile back. I think it’s time we started planning for that trip.”
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The idea of writing about future-faking was actually provided to me by a lovely woman who, during a phone consultation, lamented the fact that her narcissistic ex would continually make meaningful plans and then vanish into thin air. Shortly before the final discard, during a peaceful moment, he’d even urged her to start planning for a trip to Paris for the following year – something they had both expressed an interest in doing together over the years. Excited, she went to work, making the plans, researching the details….getting ready for what would undoubtedly be a trip of a life time. The fact that this was his idea and that he appeared excited it gave her hope that he actually meant it…that despite his ridiculous and unexpected silent treatments, he obviously intended to be around for the future, for the TRIP. Unfortunately, this was not to be when, shortly thereafter, over something ridiculous and unrelated, he simply vanished never to be heard from again as if the plans were never made. To her, obviously, this was devastating and hard to wrap her head around. When I labeled his behavior as “future-faking”, she was shocked by the fact that, here again, was another universal behavior so typical of the narcissistic personality that there was actually a term to describe the nonsense. I remember feeling that same shock. It’s the kind of shock that prompts us to review and re-label so many moments from the relationship. It’s the kind of shock that makes us shake our heads in sadness, wondering why the hell we allowed ourselves to stay in the relationship beyond perhaps not the first but – hell – at least the second time that it happened.

Seriously, how many futures need to be faked before we realize that fakery is all it’s ever going to be? When does it become time to reconcile the blame? In my case, the answer to that would have to be thousands or 13-years worth or whatever number the last faked future was before he never came back to me. In all honesty, it took me years to not realize but rather accept that my ex’s ability to future fake was just that – an ability – and that he never ever planned to follow through with anything that took place in a future time beyond, say, the next ten minutes. I had realized plenty before that but coming to a point of acceptance was a whole other thing. To accept that the person we love is a future-faker means realizing and accepting the reality that this person is NOT normal and NOTHING about this behavior is acceptable. There ARE people in the world who mean what they say and say what they mean…but the narcissist that we love/loved is NOT one of them. Hindsight may be twenty-twenty, my friends, but let’s be grateful that it happens at all. What happens after that is up to us and all we can do is the right thing.

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84 Comments

  • Danielle

    June 29, 2017 at 1:57 pm Reply

    Even a narc husband can future fake. After me confronting him about his online double life, he would claim he wanted to leave but never quite would do it. He would tell everyone I was his ex and he was separated. He strung me along an additional 2 years like this, never actually leaving or filing for divorce and then acting like we were still together. He refused to sleep with me though. His actions gave me small crumbs of how we might be working things out but no, it was just more sick games. I caught him cheating online again. He is cerebral and hates sex but likes to get into emotional affairs online. After he tells me he is in a relationship with someone he’s never met in another country and he tells me that we’ve been broken up for years yeah still living in the same house, I went down and filed for divorce. I have had enough.

    • Dr Blabby

      July 11, 2017 at 7:44 am Reply

      This could have been me, Danielle. I discovered the double life ( online) and outed him. He threw me crumbs of fake future just like you – I even caved when he hoovered me and had filed for divorce!! I dropped the proceedings ( I know. Stupid.) And then I found out about his online girlfriends — as well as having lied to his brother HUGE about something he’d CLAIMED I’d done… ( I had been ostracized by his entire family for 5 yrs – they refused to speak to me.. Didn’t understand it – but then I discovered the smear campaigns.) It was all SO twisted… They LOVE to triangulate – pit you against whoever — Even the family (THEM against YOU)….. We become the enemy – somebody to destroy. Yes, he strung me along as a convenience.. while playing on the side. They will never discard a good source ( us) if they can juggle others in the background. I filed for divorce 3/17. Reinstated 6/17 and I AM DONE. They continue to lie to everyone – including themselves – living in a mental Disneyland. My ex said to me.. ” I am a people person!!” NO, YOU ARE A LYING CHEAT> You see how they twist reality? Upward and Onward, Danielle. WE ARE FREE of the worst Mind F*ck in the history of the World. They will burn in Hell – Karma is a bitch.

  • Thomas bertelsen

    May 5, 2017 at 8:56 am Reply

    Some of you all need to be on Springer. I’m sure you are kind people you just have to really se there are users and the used. One is usually more committed than the others, even to their causes. The worst thing is to be a “Satelite” that floats around all alone in circles, readily available for the narcs to send us a signal.
    This future faking is not just romantic, friends and neighbors, even family play the same game. Again, some love more, some less, try to find a person who is better than you, not less, you can’t fix anyone.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 7, 2017 at 11:05 am Reply

      Unfortunately, unless a person has experienced the type of relationship weirdness we describe here FIRST HAND, he or she will never be able to understand exactly what we’re talking about. For example, you insinuate that narcissism is kind of, well, “normal” and that those who claim to have been hurt by it (lonely “satelites”?) are perhaps being too “dramatic”. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. I think I can speak for everyone here when I say that this particular relationship is certainly not our first rodeo. We KNOW the difference between a “normal” relationship break-up (where one partner is less committed than the other and it simply doesn’t work out) and a relationship with a person who has a narcissistic personality. It’s all about the LEVEL OF THE BETRAYAL and, again, if you’ve never experienced it, you’ll simply never “get it”.

      I also think we’d all agree here that future-faking isn’t exclusive to romance but no matter WHO does it – it’s wrong. Why? Because, again, it’s all about the pathological LYING and about making promises that you don’t intend to keep…over and over and over. It’s about lying to get what you want with deliberate intent and it is different than any other type of relationship. There is nothing normal or standard or typical about these behaviors and therefore, the “break-up” is very complex. It’s not as simple as saying “there are users and there are the “used”. Is that how you see people in relationships…really? Personally, I don’t feel that being the user or the used are the only choices we have but I can say without a doubt that this is EXACTLY how a narcissist thinks and therein lies the problem. It’s not okay to play the future-faking game and a decent person simply doesn’t do it. Maybe when we’re sixteen we might, but not as adults. And you’re right…we can’t “fix” people but the key is to find someone who is on your level, not “better”. What is “better” anyway? How would you even define that? Again, that’s what a narcissist looks for…someone “better”…so they can break them down. It’s far from typical and you have to live it to understand it. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

  • robert picasso

    April 29, 2017 at 11:35 am Reply

    Hi i just discovered your site and i’ve spent the last few hours reading page after page, i had errands to run but i couldn’t pull myself away. everything you say in your articles fits my partner to a T, form “lets live together” to sex as a distraction, even to the point i’m at now, where i speak up and don’t engage in the distractions.
    The difference is i’m a male and my girlfriend is doing this to me, can women do these same things too?, i guess that’s what i’m trying to ask,
    I’ve never told anyone or asked out of fear of looking dumb.
    Hope i made sense and thanks.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 8, 2017 at 3:23 pm Reply

      Hi Robert,

      Of course women can do the same thing! In fact, my friend, the female narc, in my opinion, is FAR WORSE than the male narc can ever be simply because society enables a girl to do these bad behaviors (fake emotion, etc.). Read my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face because it will confirm everything you are going through and then some! You are not alone, believe me, and we’re all here to support you:)

      Zari xo

  • Andy

    March 26, 2017 at 3:47 am Reply

    “deliberately deceive me was… well… just too much fun!’ There might be a Freudian slip there? Was it fun for you too? Anyways, in regards to these long term relationships with narcissists, I don’t know what to think. Narcs are tough to deal with. But you stayed 12 years, you obviously loved him as an individual being, or loved his companionship, or were able to see through his inability to connect to himself and TRIED to love him. Right? There is a lot of narc victim stuff on the web, but it is not really that black and white, is it? I’m sure you could fill up a page with the positive things about this person you were with, correct? And you still love him. Me too with my ex narc. That’s life.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 31, 2017 at 11:52 am Reply

      Hi Andy,

      I always say that, when we’re involved with these people, we get addicted to the very drama that we hate. Was it FUN? Uh…no. Most of the time, we don’t really even know what’s happening. No one said it was black and white. If it was black and white, we wouldn’t have anything to discuss. On this blog, all I can do share my experience. In over eighty articles that I’ve written here, I’ve tried to hit every aspect of this particular relationship dynamic so that we can understand the behaviors. Understanding is the key to reacting appropriately.

      And, no, I don’t still love him. Thankfully, that feeling – along with much of the anger – fades with time. It’s been over four years now and my life is very happy. There was a time when I thought happiness would never come so that’s another reason I’m here…to tell everyone that it does!

      Zari:)

  • J

    March 11, 2017 at 3:07 pm Reply

    Can they say they like to plan and come across as sincere and trustworthy early on in the relationship and still be future faking? He used to say he was a man of his word. But then didn’t come through on alot of things. Broke up with me over something small almost like he was really fishing for an out. Then blamed and blocked me. 3 hours earlier he was telling me he loves me before he broke up with me via text awhile I was at work. Plus I believe he’s a pedophile. Ever hear of pedophile narcissists? I don’t know if he was a covert narcissist or a pedophile grooming me- the single mom- by feigning a romantic interest in me to try to gain access to my child or both? He was eager to step in as dad and kept saying he would change the diapers. He never did those things he wasn’t even present during my baby’s birth like he said he would be. He watches his ex’s 7 year old. He has claimed her as his since a 2 year old. Married her mother after 2 months. Etc. Would tell me several times that he bathes and clothes the child and has a 30 minute bed routine with her. Looking back she soiled/defecated right after he got her a “treat”. Odd for a potty trained child. I’m bothered he future faked and not sure how to report child abuse with no clear tangible evidence. Is it possible he’s both a narcissistic future faker and groomer?

    • Zari Ballard

      March 14, 2017 at 3:50 pm Reply

      Hi J,

      Yes, of course it’s all possible. In a narcissist’s world, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. If you think there’s a possibility he’s a pedophile (and the world is full of them, believe me), then who even cares if he’s a groomer or a future-faker? I won’t even address those issues because both behaviors should be the least of your worries. Just on THE CHANCE that he’s a pedophile, I can’t imagine a single reason that you would ever give this monster the time of day again EVER. I would even go so far as to say forget reporting child abuse for now and just erase him from your life. Your intuition is never ever wrong. Run and never look back.

      Zari:)

  • Lisa

    February 4, 2017 at 1:52 am Reply

    Well .. he left again just before Christmas. . Second year running .. now he has a new dating site victim and has moved on ..thank god .. 4 montha in to recovery with absolute no contact xx helen

    • Zari Ballard

      February 5, 2017 at 8:01 pm Reply

      Good for you, Helen! Keep it up! xoxox

  • Helen reed

    September 30, 2016 at 5:23 am Reply

    Wow .. Once again I find myself, … after a fantastic Hoover I might add, back in the whirlpool with mr N. Thought I’d have learnt my lesson this time but only 6 months after his return and endless promises and future faking I have woken up to the realisation that once again I have fallen for this !! Mad at myself is an understatement but learning fast on my feet shall we say ! .. He was gone 4 months this time, the longest and most poignant as it was the week before Christmas .. Needless to say I promised myself that there was no way I would have him back. He fired me from my job .. A business we had built together and was soon on the internet dating sites and introducing women to his grown up kids and friends. That hurt ! I actually stuck to my guns all that time .. Even started to date someone else (normal) ha ha .. Then he ramped up the love bombing as he realised I was moving on. Then came the moment of weakness .. His father had been ill for many years and was in hospital, we spent the night talking on the phone as his father passed away, I believed that from that moment the realisation that life was short and precious had been learnt. We started planning our wedding for sept 2016 and honeymoon, we were finally going to be a team moving through life together, becoming business partners along the way. As I write this we have returned from honeymoon, which ended up just being a holiday as the wedding plans were ruined… And no nearer to becoming business partners … !! It was also my birthday whilst away and needless to say no card or gift materialised … Once again gutted but very aware that before long he will leave again … This time there will be one very firmly closed door and a deep breath from the other side !

    • Zari Ballard

      October 7, 2016 at 8:50 pm Reply

      Hi Helen,

      I am so sorry that this has happened to you! There is nothing worse than actually planning the wedding and actually getting to the day and it never happening. Marriage plans are the ultimate future fake. Parent deaths will often compel a narc back to whoever has been the most familiar. Mine did it as well after being apart for three years and I completely ignored it, even while he was knocking at the door. I cried, I felt bad…but he never saw it. It was harsh, I know, but there was just no way I could go back down that rabbit hole after being up above it for so long…not even to be a consoling “friend”. He simply doesn’t deserve another second of my time ever again.

      Kick this jerk’s ass to the curb. You don’t go into detail about the wedding plans but I have no doubt it was traumatic at the time. The good news is THAT YOU REALLY DIDN’T GET MARRIED – HURRAY! Don’t be sad, be glad and MAD and remove yourself from all association while you are still NOT business partners. Time is of the essence and there is simply no more time to waste!!!!

      Stay strong, sister!

      Zari xo

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