Calling out a narcissist as a pathological liar is not as important as pin pointing the type of lying that he does that really cuts us to the core: future-faking. By this, I mean that the narcissist talks about or hints at a future together to get what he wants from us right now. Indeed, his innate ability to future-fake is probably the narcissist’s most effective tactic for managing down our expectations and the biggest reason for why we stay in a relationship that is obviously so bad for us. In other words, it’s the depth and breadth of the lie that we become tethered to because it speaks to our heart’s desires…to what we’ve wanted all along. The narcissist, of course, knows this and thus will use his knowledge of our heartfelt desires to string us along until the end of time. It’s the part of the narcissistic pathological relationship agenda that lends itself to the fact that there is no boundary that a narcissist will not cross to get what he wants in the moment that he wants it.
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Now, mind you, what I’m talking about here goes far beyond the periodic broken promise because a periodic broken promise can be easily forgiven when followed by a promise kept. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the perpetual broken promise that carries the allusion of a promised future. It’s these types of broken promises that hurt the most because the lie itself is intensified by the authenticity of the way it’s presented. The narcissistic lover will spin us a future via promises containing all the words we want to hear. They’ll spin us a future via mirroring back to us all the things that we want from the relationship. They get us to stay or to come back or to wait for them to come back by faking a future with us that ultimately never happens. Future-faking is so much worse than ordinary lying because it shows how much of a pretender extraordinaire the narcissist really is.
For the first few years of my 13-year relationship, I made it so easy for my ex-boyfriend to future fake that he barely had to say a word – and he knew it. If he even alluded to doing something together in the “future”, I’d ride the fucking wave of hope right up to the shoreline where he’d gleefully slap me off my surfboard. Up until that point, of course, he’d have gotten whatever he wanted which was usually to stroll back in after several weeks of silence (with no repercussions or questions asked) or to have hot sex not after but during a fight or to distract me from catching him in a lie. For all of the above, he had no problem saying whatever it took to get the job done. Eventually, I grew defiant and combative whenever he even mentioned a future event because I knew it would never happen but that didn’t stop him from future-faking because to deliberately deceive me was… well… just too much fun!
Here are some of the ways that a narcissist will use future-faking to keep us in his queue of narcissistic supply:
- Future-faking during the idolize/love-bombing phase to make us think that this person really wants the same things that we do in life. This type of future-faking creates what I call the soulmate effect. Example: “Oh My God, that’s my favorite band too! Look, they’re coming in 4 months. I’ll get us some tickets – that’s a date!” or “You know, from the moment I saw you, I just KNEW we’d be together for a really long time” or “I can’t believe we like ALL the same things. I’ve never had that with anybody. YOU are the one for me.”
- Future-faking as a hoovering technique but only when we’ve had enough and have finally gone No Contact. Since a narcissist can typically lure us back with mere crumbs, future-faking is the emergency back-up in his bag of hoovering tricks. Example (by phone) “No, no no…don’t hang up! I wanna get married!” or (by text) “Hey it’s me. Look, I’m sorry. Let’s live together” or (in person) “Wait..look into my eyes. Can’t you see how much I love you? I want to grow old together.”
- Future-faking to end a fight. If, in the middle of a fight, the narcissist feels as if he may be losing, he’ll typically toss out some future-fakery to get you to relinquish control. Example: “Okay, okay..look, can’t we just stop this nonsense and get married or something?”
- Future-faking as part of conversation. Narcissists, as we know, thoroughly enjoy hearing the sound of their own voice and consequently will future fake just to keep the conversation going. Example: “Hey, I’ve been thinking that you could really help me start my business. What do ya think? Wanna do it together?” or “Remember when we talked about France awhile back. I think it’s time we started planning for that trip.”
The idea of writing about future-faking was actually provided to me by a lovely woman who, during a phone consultation, lamented the fact that her narcissistic ex would continually make meaningful plans and then vanish into thin air. Shortly before the final discard, during a peaceful moment, he’d even urged her to start planning for a trip to Paris for the following year – something they had both expressed an interest in doing together over the years. Excited, she went to work, making the plans, researching the details….getting ready for what would undoubtedly be a trip of a life time. The fact that this was his idea and that he appeared excited it gave her hope that he actually meant it…that despite his ridiculous and unexpected silent treatments, he obviously intended to be around for the future, for the TRIP. Unfortunately, this was not to be when, shortly thereafter, over something ridiculous and unrelated, he simply vanished never to be heard from again as if the plans were never made. To her, obviously, this was devastating and hard to wrap her head around. When I labeled his behavior as “future-faking”, she was shocked by the fact that, here again, was another universal behavior so typical of the narcissistic personality that there was actually a term to describe the nonsense. I remember feeling that same shock. It’s the kind of shock that prompts us to review and re-label so many moments from the relationship. It’s the kind of shock that makes us shake our heads in sadness, wondering why the hell we allowed ourselves to stay in the relationship beyond perhaps not the first but – hell – at least the second time that it happened.
Seriously, how many futures need to be faked before we realize that fakery is all it’s ever going to be? When does it become time to reconcile the blame? In my case, the answer to that would have to be thousands or 13-years worth or whatever number the last faked future was before he never came back to me. In all honesty, it took me years to not realize but rather accept that my ex’s ability to future fake was just that – an ability – and that he never ever planned to follow through with anything that took place in a future time beyond, say, the next ten minutes. I had realized plenty before that but coming to a point of acceptance was a whole other thing. To accept that the person we love is a future-faker means realizing and accepting the reality that this person is NOT normal and NOTHING about this behavior is acceptable. There ARE people in the world who mean what they say and say what they mean…but the narcissist that we love/loved is NOT one of them. Hindsight may be twenty-twenty, my friends, but let’s be grateful that it happens at all. What happens after that is up to us and all we can do is the right thing.
Shelly
September 23, 2016 at 7:03 pmWOW, I’m on my 30 day no contact with my future faker narcissist ex boyfriend. Please people run, run, and run and don’t look back. I thought since he was married for 12 years that he was different. Anyway, I’m thinking about changing my phone # since he got through my voice mail even though I had my phone reject his calls, but now I downloaded Mr. NUMBER and think he can’t get through, but just in case I still might change my number. Do whatever you have to, but just don’t let him contact you. I’m thinking about counseling so I can increase my self esteem because it says they don’t bother woman who give them the time of day.
Raj
August 25, 2016 at 5:56 amI don’t wanna tell the whole story here.., But Thank you Zari… I owe you big time…
Zari Ballard
August 25, 2016 at 7:43 pmGlad to help Raj!
Karen
July 30, 2016 at 7:59 amHi Zari,
Thank you so much for your books and your website. Your help and the help I have found in the narcissistic abuse recovery community has literally saved my life. I have been involved with a toxic narcissist for 10 years (I have been trying to leave him for at least 8 of those) and it is only now that I really believe there will be an end to the nightmare my life has become and that I will recover and be happy again. It is impossible for people who haven’t ” been there” to understand what we go through and the devestating pain narcissistic “relationships'” cause. I was 40 years old, recently divorced and very vulnerable when the narcissist found me. I might add that I have a degree in psychology and had an understanding of narcissistic traits but no concept of narcissistic personality disorder. I believe that the same way teens are educated about dating violence in the physical sense, there should be education about mental and emotional abuse from pathologically self centered narcissists. So many of these stories show the same modus operand! If only I had known that first week that I was being ‘love bombed’ and that it carried the danger equivalent of being hit, I would have run. So much second guessing and trying to make sense of nonsensical behavior on the part of the narcissist kept me stuck. In no time at all my life was in ruins and I was a shell of my former self, unrecognizable to those who knew me before. I liken it to being sucked dry by a vampire-the narc was parasitic in every way. His own mother told me he was no good but he told me I was his “savior” so I thought all of his past bad behaviors with people were because they didn’t mean to him what I did. Very foolish of me I now know, but he manipulatively encouraged me to think this way as it worked for him! He ruined every holiday he could-not only Christmases and birthdays but Halloween and July 4th as well. And if vacations did take place, he would institute a silent treatment DURING them and refuse to speak for the length of the trip. I once indured a 4 hr silent car ride because he left me in a store after telling me he need to go to the bathroom and when he didn’t return in an hour, I txt him to ask him where he was. I indured a 6 hr silent plane ride after commenting offhandedly that I didn’t like the program he had put on the on-flight tv. He thought nothing of breaking plans at last minute by feigning a headache or a tummy ache-even after reservations were paid for, time was taken off from work and/ or family were waiting. He was shameless and shameful. He was very sex oriented and typically future faked to get sex as in, “I’ve got a terrific dinner date planned for us Saturday night at an exclusive restaurant in the city to be followed by a Broadway show but it would be a fantasy of mine for you to rip my clothes off as soon as I walk in the door and make mad passionate love with me before we go”. If I fell for it, he would then do one of two things-start a fight over nothing and anything the second the sex was over and storm out or mumble about how peaceful and tired he was after being satisfied and could we please order take out? Perhaps pizza. So much for my Broadway show. To call him an ***hole would be an insult to the word. He had a job as a sales representative for a plumbing supply company but told anyone who would listen that he was really an inventor who had patents on the ‘latest, greatest’ this or that that would surely make him a millionaire and revolutionize the world. His ‘inventions’, which he also called his ‘dreams’, were sad at best- one included a cereal bowl that wouldn’t tip over when a child’s head fell into it when said child fell asleep eating breakfast while watching cartoons. I can’t make this up. But I’m empathetic! I felt sorry for him. He is convinced that his 30 yr old son is going to become a famous film maker and his 24 yr old son is going to be a ‘studio musician’ and tour with Billy Joel. To say there is not a scintilla of evidence that either would ever be possible is an understatement. The worst has been to watch what he has done to his daughter. She is, according to him, ‘special’. I have witnessed her evolution from a very disturbed young child into a full blown narcisstic adult. Like her father, it is all about her and what she can take from others. She is going to make some poor unsuspecting man miserable one day and no doubt continue the horrendous legacy of narcissism with her own children. Thank you, Zari, for being willing and able to educate us in spite of the pain you have endured with your ex-narcissist. Your help and insite has been invaluable.
Zari Ballard
August 8, 2016 at 2:06 pmKaren wrote…So much second guessing and trying to make sense of nonsensical behavior on the part of the narcissist kept me stuck.
Hi Karen,
Wow…girl, I hope you are getting out of this mess, I really do. It’s horrible what these creatures put us through – the very people that love them. And for the record, I have spoken with counselors and therapists who have found themselves entangled in this mess so you are in good company. The distinction that you make between narcissist traits and the narcissistic personality is important because I think we spend most of our life – and are even taught about it in school – that narcissism is all about delusions of grandeur and this is SO not the case. Sure, those traits are plainly there but it runs so much deeper and the level of betrayal and deceit is so dark that delusions of grandeur are the least of our worries. I agree that education needs to get to the heart of the matter. Take what you know and teach the world, girl! You know everything that I know PLUS you have psych background. You could move mountains. In the end, to do it right, we must make lemonade out of lemons in order to make sense of the nonsense (as you stated). I know you can!
Let me know how you are doing and thank you so much for sharing your story. I am here to support you….
Zari xo
HELENA.
November 21, 2016 at 8:17 amKaren we must have been with the same man!
We were on a self-catering holiday on a small island far from home, in a supermarket, pushing a trolley around, collecting various items. The first thing he picked up was mayo for salad, but later we decided against salad and when we got to the checkout I picked up the mayo and remarked (pleasantly) that we no longer needed it. Hearing my innocent comment sent him into a blind red rage. In front of everyone, he shrieked at me “How dare you treat me like an idiot! You think I don’t know that? Bringing you here was a big mistake!” Everyone was staring, but he kept screaming at me. Then he stormed out, leaving me there to pay for all the groceries, pack them and carry them out to the car. When I emerged he was sitting in the car, steaming with rage. I fell apart, collapsed into a sitting position on the kerb, feet in the gutter, dropped all the grocery bags and sobbed and sobbed.
He ignored me for about ten minutes, then got out of the car, approached me, picked up all the groceries, and spat, angrily, “Get in the car!” I wept all the way to our apartment whilst he drove in silence. I reached out and tried to take his hand but he pulled away. He then refused to speak to me the rest of that day. He sat, reading a book. I sat curled up on the bed, crying. The more he refused to even look at me, the more my stomach churned and I was petrified that the relationship was over. He was utterly ruthless in his endeavour to force me to apologise and eventually I had to beg him to forgive me. I knew that I had done nothing wrong, but I felt so vulnerable, being thousands of miles from home, and madly in love with him. Once I apologised he became warm and loving again, giving me lots of affection, smiles, kisses and cuddles, holding my hand as we walked through the town and performing once again all the gentlemanly little acts like opening doors and complimenting me.
For the rest of the holiday I was walking on eggshells because I was desperate to keep him in a good mood.
On the way home, we reached the very small airport at 9pm. He told me to “wait here” with our luggage in the deserted forecourt whilst he returned the hire car at an office about 100 feet away. I walked 25 feet to a bench and sat down. I watched him enter the hire office and then emerge and walk towards me. As he approached me his face was like thunder and he exploded with rage, shrieking at me for not standing exactly where he had told me to. It was unreal, irrational. He grabbed his case, stomped angrily into the airport and marched up to the check-in counter. I stood ten feet behind him, shaking, tears running down my face. He smiled and flirted with the check-in lady, then, as he left her and started walking towards security, he suddenly lifted his case above his head and then brought it down as hard as he could, slamming it down so it landed heavily and loudly at my feet, missing them by inches. Everyone turned and stared but nobody came to my assistance. I was stunned for a few seconds then looked up to see him, bright red in the face, shouting angrily at me for still standing there when I was supposed (he said) to have followed close behind him to check in. He reduced me to a nervous wreck. I felt ripped to pieces, extremely nervous, and utterly befuddled by his irrational rage.
He stormed off to the departure lounge and sat sulking for 2 hours till we boarded. He continued the silent treatment for a five-hour flight, an hour’s wait for our prebooked taxi and then on the two-hour journey home. When I tried to take his hand he pulled it away. He chatted merrily to the taxi driver all the way. We had planned to both go back to his house, but he told the driver to take us to my address instead. When we arrived he got out angrily, snatched my case out of the boot and threw it violently into the gutter, then looked me coldly in the eye and said: “Goodbye, Helena” in a tone of contempt. He then got back in the car, slammed the door and it drove off, leaving me weeping on the pavement at 3am.
Zari Ballard
November 21, 2016 at 3:38 pmHi Helena,
I have to share a story like that…the berating in public…it’s awful. Once, while he was staying with me (saving for an apartment), we woke up to find that the cable had been shut off. Since I knew he had a pocket full of cash, I asked him if I could borrow the $70.00 just until my paycheck came in that evening. He was instantly annoyed but said he would do it. He drove me down to the little check cashing place to pay the bill and he was becoming enraged, I could tell. I was trying to be quiet, just looking out the window but I was starting to shake. When we pulled up, I got out to go inside and pay it and he was right behind me. Normally, he would just wait in the car – but not today! Mind you, this check place is about the size of a living room with just one Mexican dude behind a glass window and there’s always a line. He was quiet while we were in line but as soon as I got up to the window and slid my cash under the glass to begin the transaction he started berating me. It went on and on and on. He was telling me how lame I was that I needed his money and why I didn’t take care of the bill when it was due and how irresponsible. My hands were shaking and I’m sure a tear or two came down and what I’ll never forget is the look on the kind man’s face behind the glass when I looked up. Our eyes met and his look said it all. Meanwhile, Wayne was going on LOUDLY about how I better pay him back, blah blah. It was awful. I cried like a baby all the way home and started to apologize to save the day (it was only 8am!) and then and only then did he calm down because, after all, our suffering IS THE NARCISSIST’S REWARD FOR A JOB WELL DONE.
Narcissist’s are so delusional…they actually believe that other people – those watching the scene – are on their side. They have to or else why would anyone make scenes like that? This is the false sense of entitlement that is so pervasive within this twisted personality.
I am sorry for your experience on your trip. It makes me very sad to read about it. I hope that you are free and happy, girlfriend!
Zari xo
Yulia
December 11, 2016 at 11:09 pmHi zari,
I love your observation that “Narcissist’s are so delusional…they actually believe that other people – those watching the scene – are on their side”
I had a similar story with my dad, who is a narcissist. When I was little (I don’t remember which year exactly, but some time when I was in elementary school), we went out to BBQ with people from my dad’s church. When the event was wrapping up, my dad wanted me to carry some stuff back to his car, but my hands were already full with other stuff he wanted me to carry. So I didn’t pick up the addition stuff he was handing me. He then slapped me in the face in front of everyone and screaming at me for my “bad attitude.” I could see he was extremely proud of himself for doing that. He’s got to be delusional to think other people would approve his “parenting authority” and “style”
Zari Ballard
December 13, 2016 at 3:02 pmHi Yulia,
Oh how sad! I’m so sorry for that incident and all the others like it during your childhood. That made me want to cry:( But yes, this is how they are. My son’s father would do this all the time to my son (when I wasn’t there, of course), berating him in public as if everyone all around would approve of what he was doing. My narc did it to me, scolding at me as we stood at a check cashing window paying my cable bill because he had let me borrow the $30.00 I was putting on the bill. It was a small room with a line of people behind us and he was talking LOUD so everyone could hear him. My hands were shaking, my eyes were welling up and I never forget looking up and meeting the eyes of the kind man behind the window who gave me a look like, “What the hell are you doing with this guy?”. I swear, in the five minutes it took to do the transaction, with my ex going on and on and on about my financial irresponsibility at the top of his lungs, me and the man behind the glass had am entire conversation with just our eyes.
Narcissists feel that they are above everyone else…that the rules of the world do not apply. They have such a false sense of entitlement that they do believe that the world approves of them. I am sorry for how your father treated you and I wish I could give you a big hug for the little girl that you were on that day at the church and for the amazing person you are now as you share your story with others. Stay strong, my sister. You are not alone and never will be….
Zari xo
Jason
June 25, 2016 at 12:25 pmSorry I accidentally unsuscribed so ill have to tell my story again .
I have just come out of 2 year relationship back in February and I’m pretty sure my ex sounds like a narcissist , although up until now of doing research and trying to find some sort of answer to my problems and break up I didn’t actually know what a narcissist was .
So my story !
I met my ex girlfriend at a party 2 years ago , we don’t actually live in the same country ,she lives in germany I live in England . I actually knew her mum and her step dad before I met her
We got on pretty well when we first met and everything seemed normal . When I left and came back home to the UK I told her if she ever wanted to come visit then she could stay at mine . Well we spoke a bit on fb but nothing really seemed to get going which was ok as just being friends was ok . A few months went by and then out of the blue I got a message saying she would like to come for a visit for the easter weekend . She came over and we went to London for the day . While sitting having a coffee she told me that she was married but she has been separated from her husband for a year now . From what she told me she had a bit of a rough marriage and a few problems in her life . She found out her dad was gay when she was 16 ,and she told me she didn’t speak to him for 5 years .
She seemed quite happy being with me and we seem to get on well . When she went back home to germany after this weekend ,by the Wednesday she asked if we was a couple now and if she was my chick ? I was a bit taken back by this at first because I hadn’t been in a relationship for a long time ,but I thought what the hell why not ,although it seemed a little fast . But not long after that she dropped another bombshell ! She told me she was with this guy after her husband and he was married with children ! I found this to be quite a big shock for me as my last relationship I had my ex girlfriend cheated on me a few times . I was in quite a bit of shocked when she told me ,I asked her how she could do that with someone knowing he had a wife and kids . Her answer was I don’t care ,why should I he’s doing the cheating not me . Well it took me a while to get my head around this but I thought, well I can’t judge her on this and people make mistakes .
I had to put up with a lot in this relationship over the 2 years . She was in the process of getting a divorce ,her dad was gay which was fine by me but obversely this had an effect on her life , and she had the affair . She would always tell me that she loves me and how we match so perfectly . A d we did seem to match well , we would laugh a lot and had lots of fun with each other .
As we didn’t live in the same country I knew that to make it work one of us would have to move . But before I was even thinking of this she said she was going to move to England . Again I was shocked at this as it seemed very soon and quick we had only really just started dating . She told me that we have such a great concation and that I was perfect for her . She said that she was going to move after Christmas so it was about six months away . In the ean time she was asking me about house prices and telling me how perfect it will be . I was sucked in by this ,thinking it was all great and that what I’ve been looking for . Well the September came and a new change came . Her job role had changed and they wanted to keep her in germany . I asked her if she would still move to the UK for a little while so we could be together and I could learn the language and save then I would move to germany with her . But she freaked out and cried and said that she can’t lose her safety sucrity. She cried begging me not to leave her ,she didn’t want to ever lose me . So ok ,I will move to germany and start a new life as I was in love with her and would do what ever I took to make it happen .
So I started learning the language , but the strange thing was although she always told I was doing a good job she would never actually help me . She would never sit on skype with me and say let’s speak german for 20 minutes . When I would ask her to help me she would tell me that it’s difficult for her to explain stuff to me .
Any way I was trying hard and learning the language and was getting ok at it .
When we would see each other in person (which was every six weeks ) we would stay with each other for a week at a time .when I came time to leave she would always say oh I wish you could stay ,then on skype she would alway tell me how much she missed me and wished I was with her . I wished and missed her and wanted to be with her as well . I really thought we had a good thing . Last summer her dad paid for me to go on holiday and she couldn’t wait . So In October we went on holiday together with her family . We had such a great time , everything was perfect , her dad told me I was part of the family ,he was glad that I was with his daughter . When we got back I decided ill set a date for me to move , I said to her that I’ll move after Christmas at the end of march . Now this is where things changed . We seem to argue out of the blue then patch it up and go a few weeks ok again .
Christmas came and we arranged to have 2 of my friends come over to germany with me and spend a few days with us . It went great and we all had a great time . When it was time for me to leave she said ,please don’t go I wish you could stay . I also wanted this but I told her ,it’s not long now and I will be here for good .
When I got back I went straight to my boss and told him I’ll be leaving , sold my motorbike , and was preparing the last few things before I movev.
Then this happened out of the blue .
On the Friday she text me asking where I am , I said I’ve just got in from work .she said we’ll I’m skyping you pick up . Ok ok hold on I said . So we talked everything fine .
Saturday I get ,good morning baby I’m going to go to the mall today . Ok then have a nice time . Everything find .
Saturday night we talk for a bit but then she falls asleep and doesn’t reply to my text.
Sunday I get ,good morning baby sorry I didn’t text back I fell asleep on the sofa and now have a bad back .
Oh dear I said we’ll just relax maybe take a bath and just chill for the day .
Later I text her ,no reply ,I call her no reply , then 20 or minutes later so text saying why are you going crazy I was in the shower .
I said I was worried about you and was checking you’re ok . So then we talk for a bit .
I noticed she had changed her whatsapp picture to a picture I didn’t like as it was a picture she sent to this guy she was having an affair with and we had arguments about theses pictures before ,as she sent me one once where he had taken a picture of her naked o a bed just after sex ,and she sent that to me which I didn’t think was right .
All,I said was I’m didn’t like that pic and that was it ,that was then beginning of the end .
She didn’t talk to me for 3 days and I asked why she was so upset and why she won’t talk to me . She then replied and told me it’s over and have a nice rest of my life .
Well I broke down in shock and tears . She blocked me from whatsapp facebook and any means of contact .
At christmas I took all my stuff with me ready to move in hers, now what do I do ?
So I wrote her a letter pouring my heart out to her and asking why .
What I got back was disgusting !!
She told me to leave her alone any further contact with her will be useless ,if I don’t pick up my stuff by September 2016 it will be destroyed and have a nice rest of my life . And that was the last thing I’ve ever heard from her .
I tried getting fedex to get y stuff but she wouldnt do anything for fedex , in the end I had to get some friends to get it for me and when they arrived she left a note on the door telling them where she had left my stuff . I have no clue how someone can be so cold heartless out of blue .
I do think though that now she is divorced she doesn’t need that support now I guess , who knows .
Thanks for reading my story and I hope maybe some one can shed some light on this behavior . It’s been 4 months now and I still ask myself why .
Zari Ballard
June 27, 2016 at 6:35 amHi Jason,
Actually your first post was still here…I just hadn’t got to it yet. However, I went ahead and deleted the first one and left the most recent story to go by. I am horribly sorry that this happened to you. She sounds like an awful person and a typical narcissistic female. You see, it’s all about what they can get away with…this is their whole life, day in and day out. When we buck their system, this is usually when we get kicked to the curb (discarded) as if we never existed. And it doesn’t have to be any big bucking either. All we have to do is take offense or not agree with or become suspicious about something they say or do. That’s it and we’re done.
As hard as this is, rest assured you dodged a bullet. You need to block this girl from being able to contact you in any way, brother, because I doubt you’ve seen the last of her. Nobody in her life is ever going to get treated any differently and narcissists love to reach out periodically to mess with your head and check if you’re still in the queue. Blocking her everywhere – phone, text, email, social media, Skype – all of it…is the only way to put space between you that counts. I assume you didn’t settle in Germany – at least I hope not. Go back home to friends and family and get on with your life. There are no easy answers to this except to say that she is what she is. If you can, download my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face from Amazon because it will get into more detail about what exactly the female narc is all about and just how evil these women can truly be. You are not alone so never feel that way.
Stay strong!
Zari:)
Jason
June 27, 2016 at 11:54 amThanks zari for getting back to me ????
I didn’t go ahead with the move to germany and I was lucky enough to get my job back ,my boss was very understanding and also shocked at this behavior!
You are right with the (always taking ,never giving ) I sacrificed so much to move and be with her to the extent that I moved out of my house I was sharing and back in with my family where I have been sleeping on a camp bed since last August in the living room . None of this
Makes any difference to her at all , she couldn’t care less . The unfortunate thing for her is she knew how much I loved her and how I would do anything for her , she has thrown that all away from her own selfish doing . I don’t think (or I hope ) she won’t find anyone that will put up with all her issues for as long as I did and hopefully she will meet her match and maybe karma will come round to bite her in the arse .
Although in my head my thoughts are (in this state of being hurt ) you think that you are the problem and she will find someone new and it will all work out for her and she will live happily ever after , but I’m guessing this won’t happen .
She was a very selfish girl and very self centred ,she would say stuff like (at my birthday party ) I want to look nice and make all your friends jealous show them that you have a great looking girlfriend ! I just loved her ,didn’t care what others thought ,found stuff like this a bit strange .
But the part about getting what she wants is true too ! Although I have seen these selfish bits in our relationsip like when I spent
– £400 getting my car fixed to drive to germany
-£200 on the euro tunnel to get me and my car across the water
–£200 on gas
we then drove to her mum’s and back which is about 3 hours from her house ,I said to her her
“I’m not bothered about money but you never offered to pay and gas money ,as I’ve spent so much already ” her answer to this was “well you wanted to go to my mums too ”
But at her birthday last year I did see first hand this cutting off behaviour. She was wanting to lose a bit of weight and befriended this guy at work that lost a lot of weight , he wrote a diet plan for her and they became very good friends always going out for a drink and stuff . Well at her birthday her said a few strange things and then bam she cut him off deleted his number and was no longer friends with him . She later told me her got angry with her at work because he said hello to her and she totally blanked him . I’m guess he was angry because he probably helped her out loads and put time into helping her . I told her that she just can’t do that to someone ,you need to,atlas let him know what he’s done wrong .
This is obversely how she works as this is exactly what she has done and the behaviour she has shown me .
I will download your book as I am now very interested in learning more about this behavior.
Thank you for your help and your quick reply .
Regards
Jason
Zari Ballard
June 28, 2016 at 5:03 pmHi Jason,
The thing that we have to remember is that everyone in their life gets treated the same sooner or later. You have seen this first hand with how she’ll treat a “friend”. I’m so glad that you made it out alive. The book will really help you and you will recognize this girl on every page. It is what it is, brother. No matter who she’s with, better him than you!
Zari xo
Ali0943
June 6, 2016 at 11:30 amI’m pretty sure I’m with a narcissist. I finally had it and said im leaving our 20 year marriage. Now he says he’ll do everything I ask if I stay, rehab and counseling . But, if I leave, it’s over and there’s no working on getting back together.
I’m sick to my stomach because he’s given me hope. Now I don’t know whether to stick it out one more time. If I do, I know I’ll lose myself.
Zari Ballard
June 11, 2016 at 4:22 amHi Ali0943,
I have to ask…he’s given you hope for what? It sounds to me as if he’s turned the tables on you and basically NOW it’s HIS way or the highway. Do you understand this, girl? Although I’m sure you know what I’m going to say, I’m going to say it anyway. You’re the one who said you’d had it and that you were done, right? You’re the one who told him he did this, this, and this for 20 years and now it’s over, right? So why is HE giving YOU an ultimatum? Either YOU stay and do rehab and counseling or LEAVE and there’s no working it out? I thought you were leaving because you were done…after 20 years of lies, you want to salvage what’s left of life in peace, right? You know that if you stay, you will absolutely lose yourself….that this could be the last chance. So just leave!! Don’t stop now…you’re half way out the door. RUN!!!! It was your choice to leave and now suddenly he’s giving you a choice???? He’s never going to change and he’s proving it just by flipping the switch and manipulating the break-up.
Please pay attention to what’s happening here. Don’t be sick to your stomach. Enough is enough. Tell him “fuck you” and go start your life. He’s not offering you “hope”, he’s tricking you into giving up the control so he can waste more of your life away.
Stay strong and do the right thing for yourself. With that, you have NOTHING to lose.
Zari xo
ELLJAYPEE
May 19, 2016 at 10:04 amI just got dumped by a future faker. I found this “type” person by searching Google: “What did I do to cause this break-up.” Here I am along with some other very insightful articles.
My future faker was a good friend of a close friend. I thought I couldn’t go wrong giving him a chance because he was half the country away from me, but intended to move to my home state in a few months to pursue a business venture for himself. My friend wouldn’t knowingly hook me up with a jerk, right?
We started out liking or loving all the same movies, all the same activities, we had the same goals and dreams.
After a couple months everything felt perfect we kept saying to each other “are you real, you’re too perfect.” He said everything I needed to hear. RED FLAG #1
He showered me with compliments and text me first thing in the morning: Hello Sunshine, Hello Pretty Lady, Hey sexy girl…”hope you have a great day – I think about you all the time.” Of course I said all good things back because it felt so good to be validated, and to have someone think you’re pretty, sexy, etc.
I was quite frankly infatuated and smitten after only 2 months, so I was happy to return the compliments. RED FLAG
We had a 2 hour time difference, so during the day he would send me pics, see how my day was, tell me about his day, and tell me he told so and so all about me and how crazy it is, but we’re so connected. RED FLAG
One day we were talking about meeting sooner than when he could come to my state, because we just couldn’t wait to meet face-to-face!! We made plans to meet in between our states. We both bought plane tickets, he prepaid for hotel, dinner reservations, car rentals, etc. All we could talk about for weeks was meeting, touching, making love, having dinner, drinking wine, making love, making love…I was so excited! It’s all I thought about day and night. RED FLAG
We video chatted once a week and talked on the phone for hours (like 5 to 6 hours) and texted throughout the day. He sent me songs that reminded him of me. One I will never forget is “You can crash my party anytime.” I don’t listen to country and quite honestly hate it, but that song was so sweet. RED FLAG the song is about calling anytime day or night, calling when he’s out with his buddies, and he’ll stop what he’s doing to be with you. I was thinking this guy is amazing. I’m falling in love!
Here’s a list of things that he said/did that made me fall hard and fast:
Sent flowers to my work
Sent another small gift to my work
Sent me a photo I commented about of him that I really liked.
Sent me a semi-expensive electronic gift
Told me he loved me first
When I tried to warn him of all the potential things that could go wrong with him coming to my state he had a “compromise” or could work out every scenario.
We had some really intimate video phone calls, photos and texts.
He offered me money several times
Showered me with compliments
Told me he talked about me with his daughter and co-workers/friends
He had me friend some of his FB friends and a family member on Facebook
He wanted to stay with me when he came to my state
He asked me if I’d change my name if we got married
He assured me our marriage would be different from my ex
The list goes on…
We were so love drunk (or at least I was) one day I was at a store with wi-fi and I jokingly texted him, “hey I have wifi lets video chat.” And we literally did…we video chatted in the store. I was so flattered that he actually did it.
He called when my parents were visiting to tease me and send me photos that made me blush to get a rise out of me. It was all in good fun. I loved how he teased me.
The big trip to meet is 30 days away: Here’s where shit got real:
No calls or texts one day, so I’m worried about him. I emailed first thing in the morning “hope you’re ok, give me a call.” He texted back that he was ok. That was it…
The texts got further and further in between and the responses were short. He said I’m at work, I’m busy, I’m tired from working all day.
Two promises to call and two times he didn’t call.
When I asked him what was up he made no apology just “awww you’re making me feel bad.”
Communication got even more spotty. I texted and said “Call me this Sunday when you’re off, I’ll only keep you for 10 mins; I promise, I’ll set a timer.” He politely turned me down saying he was planning to spend the time with his parents and daughter. I was crushed. You can’t take 10 mins to call me when you get done with your visit? What happened to “you can crash my party anytime?”
I started feeling too needy and pushy. I replayed every text and conversation to analyze what I did/said wrong. I apologized in an email asking if I had hurt his feelings unknowingly. He wrote back that I was being “crazy in a good way.” I’m familiar with gas-lighting so I backed off.
Nine days without a call and only a couple texts. Our trip is 17 days away at this point. He called…I was so excited thinking I had overreacted and he was busy at work, etc. He called to ask me to return one of the gifts he sent me 🙁 That’s all he wanted to say.
Later that week I sent him a gift I know was delivered to his house, and he never commented or thanked me.
I sent an e-mail because I was afraid to bother him with a phone call. RED FLAG I told him my concerns. We went from I love you, I want to be with you every day, and calling every day to nothing…fizzled…too busy/tried to talk to you.
Later that same day he texted me to say that someone was bothering him on FB and he was deactivating his account. My spidey sense was buzzing because the story was so lame, and inconsistent. He’s a very tekky person he could have blocked the annoying person. FB is how we used to video chat so I was really hurt thinking ‘this is another way to NOT communicate with me.’
I saw on FB about the time things got cold with us that he and an old GF were FB friends again, so my mind is racing and I’m FB spying and stalking. RED FLAG
He called that night to tell me his parents thought he was making a mistake coming to my state. He then politely told me I was keeping him from spending time with friends and family, and keeping him from getting chores done. He hem-hawed around and finally canceled the trip we already paid for and planned for 2 months.
Deep down I knew it was coming, but I was devastated…hurt…humiliated, my heart was broken.
If you feel your spidey sense buzzin’, you feel like you’re too needy, things went from HOT to cold, you’re begging for attention, your compromising yourself and your wants/needs, you are being told one thing yet the opposite happens, you know it’s too good to be true, things are moving too fast….RUN LIKE HELL and don’t stop to look back or question what you did wrong.
Jason
June 22, 2016 at 5:23 amI thought I’d reply to your post as it is very ,very simular to mine.
I was with my girlfriend for two years. She lived in Germany and I’m living in the UK, we stoped every night, text every day! She also would text me every day with ” good morning honey ” and would always txt How much she loved me. we planned that I would move to Germany, we planned a future, buying a house, getting me a job, kids ,we even thought of a name for the child we would have. I had been learning the language for a year n half. We recently went on holiday with her father and it was great had loads of fun. She would always tell me we was perfect together and as we spent 4 weeks with eachother we know we would be happy together. Then Christmas came and I was due to move in 3 months, I said not long now and ilk be living here. She looked worried and I asked her if she really wanted me to move. She said yeah but the language isn’t up to scratch (which was b.s) we went back to normal, saying she loves me and all that stuff. Then 3 weeks before I move she dumps me tells me not to contact her and that was that never heard from her since.
It’s just utter crazy, How can people lie and cheat you of this for so long then just act like you never exists. Hurts a lot and I feel your pain.
Have you had feelings like you can’t trust anyone now?
Heaven
April 21, 2016 at 7:02 amYou have no idea (or you might lol) how amazed, relieved, and grateful I am to have stumbled across this site and the irony in timing!
As we speak I’m in a crazy whirlwind with a narcissist, going on our 5th week now. I know, it doesn’t seem like long, but in this 5 weeks …I’ve been called every name in the book, blamed for things he’s making up in his head, dumped and blocked from phone/social media with no reason just a “f– off” at least 4 times so far.
I’ve accidentally seen texts while reaching across him to hold his hand, there’s been a couple names frequenting around him, and the big baddy ex girlfriend, that a couple days ago screenshotted every message dating back to when I first went up to see him where he lives (200 mi away) all him saying he was sorry, still loved her, denying my existence, etc. All the way up to that day. And he tried to say they could be faked and that I was the one messaging her…
Well needless to say I’ve been trying to tip toe around him, or racking my brain for reasons why I was failing because I’ve never told him no ….but reading all this, it’s exactly like I was reading my own story word for word! I needed to put it to the words and realize I’m not the one to blame!, it’s a real thing, and I gave him absolutely everything he asked for, literally, just to see him smile. You see, his “depression” got the best of him…a lot.
Ill admit I was an easy target for such manipulation to take place given my need to people please, extremely generous and desperation to be treated the way he did that first week. I can start to see through the fog of lies now and truly thank you so much for sharing your hardships so that others could be saved too!
Heaven
April 21, 2016 at 7:07 amOh goodness, I can’t believe I forgot about the very vividly brutal psychotic things he threatened me with…