Calling out a narcissist as a pathological liar is not as important as pin pointing the type of lying that he does that really cuts us to the core: future-faking. By this, I mean that the narcissist talks about or hints at a future together to get what he wants from us right now. Indeed, his innate ability to future-fake is probably the narcissist’s most effective tactic for managing down our expectations and the biggest reason for why we stay in a relationship that is obviously so bad for us. In other words, it’s the depth and breadth of the lie that we become tethered to because it speaks to our heart’s desires…to what we’ve wanted all along. The narcissist, of course, knows this and thus will use his knowledge of our heartfelt desires to string us along until the end of time. It’s the part of the narcissistic pathological relationship agenda that lends itself to the fact that there is no boundary that a narcissist will not cross to get what he wants in the moment that he wants it.
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Now, mind you, what I’m talking about here goes far beyond the periodic broken promise because a periodic broken promise can be easily forgiven when followed by a promise kept. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the perpetual broken promise that carries the allusion of a promised future. It’s these types of broken promises that hurt the most because the lie itself is intensified by the authenticity of the way it’s presented. The narcissistic lover will spin us a future via promises containing all the words we want to hear. They’ll spin us a future via mirroring back to us all the things that we want from the relationship. They get us to stay or to come back or to wait for them to come back by faking a future with us that ultimately never happens. Future-faking is so much worse than ordinary lying because it shows how much of a pretender extraordinaire the narcissist really is.
For the first few years of my 13-year relationship, I made it so easy for my ex-boyfriend to future fake that he barely had to say a word – and he knew it. If he even alluded to doing something together in the “future”, I’d ride the fucking wave of hope right up to the shoreline where he’d gleefully slap me off my surfboard. Up until that point, of course, he’d have gotten whatever he wanted which was usually to stroll back in after several weeks of silence (with no repercussions or questions asked) or to have hot sex not after but during a fight or to distract me from catching him in a lie. For all of the above, he had no problem saying whatever it took to get the job done. Eventually, I grew defiant and combative whenever he even mentioned a future event because I knew it would never happen but that didn’t stop him from future-faking because to deliberately deceive me was… well… just too much fun!
Here are some of the ways that a narcissist will use future-faking to keep us in his queue of narcissistic supply:
- Future-faking during the idolize/love-bombing phase to make us think that this person really wants the same things that we do in life. This type of future-faking creates what I call the soulmate effect. Example: “Oh My God, that’s my favorite band too! Look, they’re coming in 4 months. I’ll get us some tickets – that’s a date!” or “You know, from the moment I saw you, I just KNEW we’d be together for a really long time” or “I can’t believe we like ALL the same things. I’ve never had that with anybody. YOU are the one for me.”
- Future-faking as a hoovering technique but only when we’ve had enough and have finally gone No Contact. Since a narcissist can typically lure us back with mere crumbs, future-faking is the emergency back-up in his bag of hoovering tricks. Example (by phone) “No, no no…don’t hang up! I wanna get married!” or (by text) “Hey it’s me. Look, I’m sorry. Let’s live together” or (in person) “Wait..look into my eyes. Can’t you see how much I love you? I want to grow old together.”
- Future-faking to end a fight. If, in the middle of a fight, the narcissist feels as if he may be losing, he’ll typically toss out some future-fakery to get you to relinquish control. Example: “Okay, okay..look, can’t we just stop this nonsense and get married or something?”
- Future-faking as part of conversation. Narcissists, as we know, thoroughly enjoy hearing the sound of their own voice and consequently will future fake just to keep the conversation going. Example: “Hey, I’ve been thinking that you could really help me start my business. What do ya think? Wanna do it together?” or “Remember when we talked about France awhile back. I think it’s time we started planning for that trip.”
The idea of writing about future-faking was actually provided to me by a lovely woman who, during a phone consultation, lamented the fact that her narcissistic ex would continually make meaningful plans and then vanish into thin air. Shortly before the final discard, during a peaceful moment, he’d even urged her to start planning for a trip to Paris for the following year – something they had both expressed an interest in doing together over the years. Excited, she went to work, making the plans, researching the details….getting ready for what would undoubtedly be a trip of a life time. The fact that this was his idea and that he appeared excited it gave her hope that he actually meant it…that despite his ridiculous and unexpected silent treatments, he obviously intended to be around for the future, for the TRIP. Unfortunately, this was not to be when, shortly thereafter, over something ridiculous and unrelated, he simply vanished never to be heard from again as if the plans were never made. To her, obviously, this was devastating and hard to wrap her head around. When I labeled his behavior as “future-faking”, she was shocked by the fact that, here again, was another universal behavior so typical of the narcissistic personality that there was actually a term to describe the nonsense. I remember feeling that same shock. It’s the kind of shock that prompts us to review and re-label so many moments from the relationship. It’s the kind of shock that makes us shake our heads in sadness, wondering why the hell we allowed ourselves to stay in the relationship beyond perhaps not the first but – hell – at least the second time that it happened.
Seriously, how many futures need to be faked before we realize that fakery is all it’s ever going to be? When does it become time to reconcile the blame? In my case, the answer to that would have to be thousands or 13-years worth or whatever number the last faked future was before he never came back to me. In all honesty, it took me years to not realize but rather accept that my ex’s ability to future fake was just that – an ability – and that he never ever planned to follow through with anything that took place in a future time beyond, say, the next ten minutes. I had realized plenty before that but coming to a point of acceptance was a whole other thing. To accept that the person we love is a future-faker means realizing and accepting the reality that this person is NOT normal and NOTHING about this behavior is acceptable. There ARE people in the world who mean what they say and say what they mean…but the narcissist that we love/loved is NOT one of them. Hindsight may be twenty-twenty, my friends, but let’s be grateful that it happens at all. What happens after that is up to us and all we can do is the right thing.
K
August 10, 2021 at 11:26 amI *just* went out on a date the day before yesterday and was meeting the guy for the first time. He was tall and just my type. From the moment we met up, there was a lot of “we should….” “I want to show you Hilton Head…” “We could get married here…” I’d roll my eyes as him as I was bummed out because as much as the conversation was lots of fun and I enjoyed his personality, I kept thinking, “Aw, damn, too bad he is talking about the future on a first date.” There was so much “we” talk and asking me for a second date, it was pretty obvious. I knew there was a term for it, but I just couldn’t remember. I searched and found this. The date lasted from 3pm to about 9:45pm and he was allll about me the whole time. The next day? Didn’t hear from him until about 6pm and it was such a basic text. These ppl need a life.
Hannah
May 16, 2021 at 10:06 amI was single, financially sound, happy in a good career, and had goals of finalizing many years of fertility treatment with an ex’s sperm, and likely moving to a modest version of my dream house.
He swept in, told me how much he would assist to make my creative life doable_____(fill in deepest passion here), said he would learn this same creative endeavor, asked if I’d mind living six months/year in _____ (fill in beautiful foreign country name here), said we would have X at your wedding (X=classic ethnic wedding food), successfully appealed to me to have his baby-not my ex’s, insisted he would achieve divorce (“we’ve just been living under the same roof and have known we’ll divorce for years as soon as Y happened”) and house sale in six months time, we’d travel around the states and meet his friends, travel to foreign countries, said he’d love to go shopping with me and buy me clothes, his young adults kids would love me, he’d help finish my remodel, he wanted to buy a house together…on and on.
What I’m left with: Worked over for all my heart’s desires which were then exploited to future-fake, and to later control with jealous episodes, ten years of only one day/wk together due to his work schedule, his minimal vacation time spent with his children in other states and countries (not invited), I took him on a couple vacations-not reimbursed, several years to discover bare notions of his poor financial position (including that he couldn’t leave his job to live in a foreign country), lying when it would be just as easy to tell the truth, six years to finally sell his house for zero profit due to 2nd mortgages, continued to act like he wanted to buy a house together but never laid out finances and found reasons to reject every one I found, sponging off me in my small crowded home, refused to even buy sheets together, let alone a nice bed and mattress, invited on trips but then left behind, or not invited because _____(fill in the reasons: “it’s not that kind of trip, I need to help my son, my daughter wants it to be just family, I can’t take care of you…”), successfully pleaded with me not to sail on a family trip, or take so many other trips, until he could go, or because he was jealous, endlessly tortured me when I did travel “who’s going to be there that you’re buying new clothes for”, tortured me when I engaged in my creative pursuit which he never learned, destroyed friendships so I couldn’t fulfill my creative potential, barked at me that it was ridiculous that he’d ever said anything about having a kid-he already has his family, blamed me for the fact that we got involved before he divorced (despite not revealing his wife-in their home!-for over a month while pursuing me, but: “you knew I was married and you didn’t ask”), didn’t bother to say goodbye to my mother and never saw her again before she died, pretended he was going to get therapy, stalked me on the street, searched in my social media, read my journals, suspicious and controlling of every encounter, including professional, meanwhile had at least three female friends I’ve never met, one of whom is his legal address.
At the end of ten years, I knew I’d hate myself if I went further and didn’t get him out of my house. He promised he’d get therapy, but by then I knew that was hot air he pulled out when he was cornered. By then I was (still) childless and too old and sick to parent, in the same home with mostly the same unfinished projects, cleaved from my passions, emotionally deadened, tolerating bullying at work as well those same ten years because my perspective was so skewed, financially no better off, and I’d become chronically ill-too sick to work, remodel, create, or parent. He told me I didn’t deserve to marry him to get veterans benefits because I hadn’t served.
It’s been five years.He slowly picked out the belongings he wanted and left behind all the old and broken and stuff, and tried to talk me into wanting it. Occasionally he would say he really needed help and ask me to help him find a therapist, but of course he had excuses and never went. One year ago I finally got him to get his stuff out of the garage. I still see him here and there if I can rope him into assisting at the house. He finally revealed that he has a “pandemic girlfriend” and “no aggravation”. “What do you think: I’m going to sit on _____St. (his now deceased mother’s house) for the whole pandemic!” Not surprisingly, she has a shed, now full of his yard tools, and a house and property-located just exactly where he really wanted to live. He does her greens-keeping now.
Sylvia
November 17, 2019 at 8:56 amI cannot believe how identical every narcissist is. I’ve been reading every document I can find and it’s like they are all writing about my ex! Where they think themselves rarer than rocking horse shit, they’re all clones!
Zari Ballard
February 18, 2020 at 4:46 pmHi Sylvia…how true! And they think they are so unique! hahaha
Lynn
February 14, 2019 at 5:35 amI gave up $6000 a month of lifetime alimony to marry my narcissist after my boyfriend of 11 years proposed . We were broken up for a year. He proposed to me when He found out I was dating someone else. He made me dinner, I woke up violently vomiting at 3 am and to my absolute shock in the morning between vomiting he gave me a diamond ring (he was always anti-diamond). He loved to rescue me and swoop in when I was vulnerable. What a coincidence I Got so Ill so he could take care of me. He Promised I didn’t need the alimony. Would help with my sons tuition, buy him a car, he should t take his “ d#^^%Bag dirty Dad’s money” He promised I’d have no more financial worry. No more stress to enforce the court order. I could keep my house to rent or sell it. We’d go boating, walk on our beach, visit my son in college with my younger kds, he’d be the best step dad, he’d take me out to dinner (up to this point I was paying for both of us). He was always cheap. Wealthy but cheap. He claimed to have reached a peak in his business and that’s why he was not able to do more in the past. We mevse even went to a movie or on vacation. He invited me on a couple and then last minute uninvited me (the kids and I might not be able to keep up with him and his pro-am surfer kids spontaneously in the morning. Or a crisis his mom gave us. He told her to get a refund and give to his kid for surf contest trip expenses. After I spent money to get scuba certified so he could dive with me. I married him and nothing came to past! Nothing! Now I’m struggling bc I’m 54, 3 children including an 11 year old and kiddie schooler. Never worked outside the home. I lost my health insurance too (narcissist promised that when we engaged, then didn’t believe it it once we were married. Oddly, the woman before me was also married to a doctor. Left him and this same that destroyed me narcissist help her invest her money in homes. Promised to fix them and flip them as a contractor and designed team (their professions). Market tanked. He walked away. She foreclosed one after another. Lost 6 homes. Drank so
Much from depression and was found dead at 44 years old in bed. That was after he built a house for her and her husband, lovebombed her and began an affair while finishing the home. God help tur next victim. I thought him turning down every invitation last minute was his stick in the mud personality. It was control and future faking. This is F-Ed up!!’ What makes people so evil?
Zari Ballard
February 15, 2019 at 12:46 pmHi Lynn, wow…I am so sorry, what a horrible situation. But I have to be honest here, girl. I guarantee there isn’t a guy on this planet, poor or rich, narc or not, who could convince me to give up $6000/mo in alimony + health insurance, especially if he’d already proven to be untrustworthy. Even if I was head over heels in love, it wouldn’t be worth the risk. I’d rather die single but happy. There was a reason you woke up at 3am vomiting and it wasn’t the flu. Your intuition was telling you DON’T DO IT. Please tell me you still get substantial child support…please, please tell me that.
So how do you fix it? If you divorce the narc, can you get enough to live comfortably? Would you be able to modify existing child support? I can’t believe there is no way to escape, even with the kiddies. I want more details. There has to be a way out, sister….xo
BetterLateThanNever
December 4, 2018 at 7:36 amWhen I got through the first 2 paragraphs of this post, I had to stop reading for a few minutes to tamp down the bile that was rising in my throat.
I’m currently going through the process of finally divorcing my N after 24 years of marriage and 3 kids.
One topic I don’t see here as much is the N who manages to stay married long-term, and even have a family. I don’t know if he ever cheated for sure, but he traveled a lot for work (when he managed to stay employed, that is), so it’s certainly possible.
With married Ns, they can’t vanish without a word from their wives and kids, so a lot of that stuff doesn’t really apply. But they sure as hell can use future fakery to keep their families from leaving them.
Last Christmas, for example, we had next to nothing in the bank. He pawned all our guns to generate last-minute cash. Still, it was a modest Christmas, so he cleverly bought each kid a new calendar as a gift.
When they opened them, they looked confused at first. But with great fanfare, he had them look through the months carefully. He had highlighted all these dates for each of them: concerts they wanted to see, festivals they wanted to visit…even a Caribbean CRUISE, for God’s sake!
So here we are a year later. I’ll give you one big fat guess how many of these grand Christmas promises came true in 2018.
But he’s done this from the beginning: even when we were dating, he’d bring me out to look at property where we could “build our first home”. I had no idea that he had no money and was living with his parents (he had some clever excuse for that which made it sound like THEY needed HIM).
What really kept my kids and me invested was the knowledge that in the past, he HAS been successful. About 12 years ago, we lived in an upscale community in a huge custom-built home where our neighbors were pro football players. Boats, concerts, vacations to Hawaii…all of it was a reality. I even had plastic surgery on his dime.
But over time, it seems each loss of a job was longer, and our descent into poverty more profound.
I knew last year that it was probably our last Christmas together as a family. It hurts, as I never in a million years thought I would ever divorce a husband. But here we are.
My girls and I are living with a family friend, while my N is couch-surfing at his sister’s place in another suburb. After losing everything, including his family, you’d think he’d finally hit rock bottom, right?
Wrong. I had to call last week and tell him to STOP telling my youngest child that he “was looking at property” in a neighboring state, and insinuating that she could live there with him. He is penniless, yet his semantic word games and manipulation continue.