At that grandiose point that we realize that our partner is a narcissist/sociopath, we can also assume that we’ve been his/her enabler for a very long time. Our codependency to the narcissist and to the relationship drama itself has almost has as much to do with our allowing it as it does with the narcissist’s manipulation. And while this fact may not be an easy pill to swallow, accepting it and vowing to undo it becomes a giant step forward in our quest to mentally break free from this very toxic individual.
The truth of the matter is – and this applies to any situation where we get that uncomfortable feeling – whatever we allow is what will continue. If we allow the narcissist to disappear and reappear…to give us the deafening silent treatment…to press the proverbial relationship reset button whenever he feels like it…then he will continue to do so until the end of time. Keep in mind that, to a narcissist, this kind of bullshit never gets old. He loves it. It makes him feel gloriously alive and in control. If you allow it…hell, he’s in narcissistic heaven.
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And just in case you feel that I’m being judgmental about your game participation, I offer you the following two proof-of-enabling examples from my own narcissistic hell:
One wee morning hour (around 4am), approximately two years and four silent treatments into the relationship, my ex and I were sitting in a studio (we were both musicians) playing guitar and having a grand old time. About eight hours earlier, he had finally called wanting to see after six weeks of absolute silence. During those six weeks, I had been inconsolable, having no idea why he’d disappeared again (this being before my “a-ha” moment, of course). I’d lost weight, been unable to sleep, and written letter after letter trying to get him to respond but to no avail. Needless to say, relieved that he finally called, I happily accepted. So there we were, singing and laughing, and me feeling as happy as can be when he suddenly put down his guitar, looked at me in loving amazement and asked, “Wow. Why do you love me? I don’t even call you.” Great. My response, if I’m not mistaken, was to have sex with him right there on the studio floor. “Wow” is right. Even the narcissist was amazed at my enabling capabilities.
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Then, there was the time about six years later that my ex, after cheating on me, admitting it, and then trying everything – including a hard smack to the head – to pull me out of my crying jag, finally realized he might have gone too far (ya think?). Feigning remorse, he begged me to forgive him. I continued to sob, pleading “Why? Why? Why did you do it?” until the N, completely exasperated and unable to pretend a second longer, threw up his hands and replied, “I don’t know! I always figured I could do whatever I wanted and you’d still take me back!” My reaction? I don’t really remember and maybe I don’t want to. This happened after the “a-ha” moment and about four years before we broke up. Do the math.
Oh…and just one more: I can’t count the times that I would ask “Why do you do it?” or “Why do you treat me this way?” and he’d reply, “Why do you let me?” My reply? “Because I’m an idiot”, I’d say. Hell, I was right about that one! Or sometimes I’d just look at him so sadly and say, “Because I keep hoping you’ll change”. Either way, what came to pass was inevitable and, even now, it gives me a knot in my stomach. I was a Narcissist’s Enabler. And the fact that you’re reading this probably means you’ve been a Narcissist’s Enabler as well. In fact, I can say with confidence that anyone who lets a narcissist back in even after just one silent treatment is a Narcissist’s Enabler. The narcissist uses the silent treatment to not only gauge our level of codependency and/or enabling capability but also to gauge his level of control at any given time. This is why the silent treatment always seems to occur out the blue, catching us off-guard. Something that we do or say causes a warning bell to go off in the narcissist’s twisted head indicating that we might not be as gung-ho for his program as he once thought.
Shit, what’s going on here? Better give her the silent treatment so I can get the levels on this.
What we allow, will continue. I did it for years and years. In the end, when I didn’t (and my levels kept coming back negative), he left for good after thirteen or so years and never returned. That was a little over a year ago and not a word since. Obviously, whoever was on the other receiving end of his narcissistic evil was – and still is – being compliant. To her, I say good luck with that.
Please don’t be a Narcissist’s Enabler.
The above article is an excerpt from Zari Ballard’s workbook for narcissist abuse recovery, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing
If you enjoyed this book excerpt, order the full version here!
This is a re-post by request from 03/20/2013.
danny
October 7, 2018 at 6:19 pmwow zari!!!! something you wrote really brought up something my narc wife said in the past.
whenever i said I love you, she would ask why? i would always be dumbfounded with her response. she has done VERY LITTLE to the relationship. i was just stupid not to have seen this!
it’s like pulling teeth to have her say those 3 words. come to think of it, in the last 20+ years, i could count the times she said it. i guess she was at least honest ?
yes, we have to STOP being the enabler and for me it has started.
Bp
May 9, 2018 at 9:12 pmThank you, you help sort out the confusion and sadness.
Je
May 5, 2018 at 7:12 pmHi, i am dealing with what i suspect is a teen narc. I took him into our home for more than 3 years during which time he was after my daughter who had previously been in love with him. I was basically his mum for this period. My daughter rejected him and he just dissapeared. I have told him he is loved by my whole family but he says his anger has got out of control. He has been rude to me even saying i have stalked him. He is now asking for my help with something what should i do. He is a very close friend!
Zari Ballard
June 7, 2018 at 2:25 pmHi Je,
So sorry for responding so late. First of all, I don’t understand how a teenager can be your “very close friend” if you are an adult. In my mind, this is not possible. This is obviously someone your daughter rejects so why would you be worried about taking care of him? If he’s rude to you, unappreciative of how you’ve tried to help, accusing you of stalking, etc. CUT HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. He is a teenager who obviously has issues that are not your problem. We can’t be everything to everybody and if he’s doing this now, can you imagine what he’ll be doing as an adult? God help us all. Stay as far away from his as possible. You are never obligated to take care of other people’s children. Family, maybe, but not a random teenager who your daughter had a crush on. Obviously your daughter came to your sense and you need to as well. Just say NO.
Zari:)
Je
June 7, 2018 at 5:34 pmThanks for replying, i thing i didnt make clear is he is my best friends son. I have known him since birth and he is close with both me and hubby. I am trying to work out if he has bpd or npd if either. His upbringing was full of emotional neglect. Since i posted things are a lot better but not back to normal.
monica
March 23, 2017 at 8:47 amJust want to say a BIG THANK YOU Zari. 🙂 It has to end in the mind before it ends through no contact. In this kind of abuse we just don’t turn off the switch at one go because we can’t. inch by inch..piece by piece..it manifests to the point when we feel detached. How eerie they are, that we see replications of their trickery in people across the world. stay strong..we have designed spacecrafts to reach the moon and other planets..Thus overcoming the torture given by these dead people is absolutely possible. It is US and we can do it. Throw out negativity, breed love, accept love and nothing less than that. Love yourself!
Anne Sullivan
March 16, 2017 at 2:36 pmI just wanted to drop a line and say hi to Zari. I read her book ‘when love is a lie’ two years ago. I had been in a ‘relationship’ with an N and it was hell on earth. I lost weight, I started smoking and I pretty much lost my mind. I also lost my father to suicide during this period and was beside myself. The N was no comfort to me – in fact he wasn’t there at all. I could never understand why he wasn’t doing all he could to comfort me because had the roles have been reversed I would have done everything to help. He was cheating on me (even on the first anniversary of my father’s passing). I’d suspected he had been all along. At the end of it he discarded me and I was beside myself. My grieving for my father (a real man) was all messed up with the N abuse and I was a wreck. So much so, I wanted to kill myself and even thought about the method of how I would do so.
Then a girlfriend recommended I read Zari’s book. I literally did not put it down over two or three days. I was amazed that this was an actual condition and that another human being had experienced the very same torment I had. The book was a god-send a life changer.
I celebrated him leaving me for his new bit of the side – I also pray for her daily because as much as he and his family want to portray that he is so happy I know he will be treating her just the same. I am free.
Once you have experienced a sociopath once, you really will never tolerate another. I’ve met several since and I can sniff them a mile off.
I’m single now for almost two years and I do sometimes feel lonely but I am grateful to feel content and have peace of mind. Our health is really our wealth.
Much love and eternal gratitude, Sister Zari <3
Zari Ballard
March 24, 2017 at 4:43 pmI’m grateful you found your way to my book and to my website, Anne! OUR HEALTH IS REALLY OUR WEALTH is spot-on. Thank you for sharing, sister!….xo
Divine Being
April 25, 2017 at 3:36 amAnne this was such a breath of fresh air to read.
Yes, you are at peace, we are all at peace when the N decides to finally make his disappearing act final. It is completely horrifying and devastating to watch them walk out the door, but healing does take place over time. I would rather feel this gut wrenching feeling than to experience that life with an N. The abuse, lies, manipulation, cheating, game playing, did I mention lies 🙂
You feel like your head is constantly spinning and when you start to make sense of things and they figure out you are on to them, they take off, they abandon you and every single vulnerability that you have, they play on them. They do this to weaken you so you will take them back with open arms out of pure relief to avoid the hurt of being abandoned. Its so sick and so sad and you can only get a grasp on it when you are not in contact with them and start the healing process.
The tears, exasperation, loneliness etc is worth not having to experience the Narcissistic Cycle…for life.
Congrats to you for letting him go and remember, they ALWAYS have supply. They can’t function off just one soul and they don’t believe in love nor are they capable so…they aren’t in it for the relationship. They are in it for the feed. They are sick.
We are free.
Anna
May 7, 2016 at 11:36 pmThank you for sharing & writing all these posts.
I’m in the first & last silent treatment (4 days now over a very minor disagreement) with a new boyfriend of a month. It completely caught me off guard. Your posts have helped me immensely to see the situation for what it is.
I’ve only contacted him once (after 3 days) to see what the deal was & to ask if he wanted to talk. He replied several hours later, “not now, maybe later”. When I read that I was like WTF? What kind of answer is that? But it hurts when someone just abruptly goes silent on you.
I did decide I’m not interested in being w someone like that. I don’t want a relationship where the default mode is a silent treatment. It’s a mind f**k. But it still hurts.
My question is do you contact them to tell them you are done & leaving the relationship or just disappear / go no contact too?
I don’t plan on contacting him again- & I want to break up w him. Does a N need to know this- that you are breaking up, or does the no contact tell him eventually?
Thank you.
Zari Ballard
May 14, 2016 at 2:47 amHi Anna,
Nope, the narc doesn’t have to be told anything. Just go silent and block, block, block. If he comes to the door, run in the other room and stick your fingers in your ears until he goes away. Thankfully, a narc isn’t that motivated to do much else. What no contact does is make the distance between his hoovers and appearances longer so that you can get stronger. He’ll get the hint, believe me.
Zari xo
C
February 10, 2015 at 3:57 pmThis is all eerily true. I allowed my ex to pull this abusive song and dance for a decade.
This year, when he tried to come back after a 3 year silence, I didn’t respond. He stalked me for 6 months until I succeeded at blocking him everywhere including phone, social media and email.
I even cut off friendships with all our mutual friends so he couldn’t get to me through them. They never protected me and enabled his abuse so honestly, fuck them. They were terrible friends.
I haven’t heard a peep from my ex in 6 months. Does this mean he’s gone for good? I worry he’ll come back. If that happens, I’ll keep ignoring him, but it’s emotionally exhausting and reminds me of the abuse.
Zari Ballard
February 23, 2015 at 10:32 pmC wrote...I even cut off friendships with all our mutual friends so he couldn’t get to me through them. This is so right and so important to do in order to really make the break. Cut the ties that bind!
Hello C,
Thank you for writing and I have a feeling that you know exactly what to do if he does return again. Just keep doing what you’ve been doing. Good for you for not responding to the post-three year disappearance. What balls these guys have, I swear! Hopefully he learned that you will NOT put up with his garbage anymore.
I understand that it reminds you of the abuse and, in a very twisted way, his hoovering after such a long time was intended to do this. Narcissists only return in order to keep you in the queue OR to always keep the narcissist in the back of you mind. The type of memories you have of this person do not matter to him as long as you have them. Isn’t that ridiculous? Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is keep on moving on and work towards increasing the emotional distance you have with the relationship. Since he tried and you so obviously rejected his advanced, I suspect he’s done. Congrats for a job well done!
Continue to stay strong!
Zari xo
And I sooooo agree about the situation with mutual friends. I did the same thing and it saved me.