Don’t Be a Narcissist’s Enabler (Book Excerpt: “Stop Spinning, Start Breathing”)

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The following is an excerpt from Zari Ballard’s book Stop Spinning, Start Breathing:

At that grandiose point that we realize that our partner is a narcissist/sociopath, we can also assume that we’ve been his/her enabler for a very long time. Our codependency to the narcissist and to the relationship drama itself has almost has as much to do with our allowing it as it does with the narcissist’s manipulation. And while this fact may not be an easy pill to swallow, accepting it and vowing to undo it becomes a giant step forward in our quest to mentally break free from this very toxic individual.

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The truth of the matter is – and this applies to any situation where we get that uncomfortable feelingwhatever we allow is what will continue. If we allow the narcissist to disappear and reappear…to give us the deafening silent treatment…to press the proverbial relationship reset button whenever he feels like it…then he will continue to do so until the end of time. Keep in mind that, to a narcissist, this kind of bullshit never gets old. He loves it. It makes him feel gloriously alive and in control. If you allow it…hell, he’s in narcissistic heaven.

And just in case you feel that I’m being judgmental about your game participation, I offer you the following two proof-of-enabling  examples from my own narcissistic hell:

One wee morning hour (around 4am), approximately two years and four silent treatments into the relationship, my ex and I were sitting in a studio (we were both musicians) playing guitar and having a grand old time. About eight hours earlier, he had finally called wanting to see after six weeks of absolute silence. During those six weeks, I had been inconsolable, having no idea why he’d disappeared again (this being before my “a-ha” moment, of course). I’d lost weight, been unable to sleep, and written letter after letter trying to get him to respond but to no avail. Needless to say, relieved that he finally called, I happily accepted.  So there we were, singing and laughing, and me feeling as happy as can be when he suddenly put down his guitar, looked at me in loving amazement and asked, “Wow. Why do you love me? I don’t even call you.” Great. My response, if I’m not mistaken, was to have sex with him right there on the studio floor. “Wow” is right. Even the narcissist was amazed at my enabling capabilities.

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Then, there was the time about six years later that my ex, after cheating on me, admitting it, and then trying everything – including a hard smack to the head – to pull me out of my crying jag, finally realized he might have gone too far (ya think?).  Feigning remorse, he begged me to forgive him. I continued to sob, pleading “Why? Why? Why did you do it?” until the N, completely exasperated and unable to pretend a second longer, threw up his hands and replied, “I don’t know! I always figured I could do whatever I wanted and you’d still take me back!”  My reaction? I don’t really remember and maybe I don’t want to. This happened after the “a-ha” moment and about four years before we broke up. Do the math.

narcissist-enablerOh…and just one more: I can’t count the times that I would ask “Why do you do it?” or “Why do you treat me this way?” and he’d reply, “Why do you let me?” My reply? “Because I’m an idiot”, I’d say. Hell, I was right about that one! Or sometimes I’d just look at him so sadly and say, “Because I keep hoping you’ll change”. Either way, what came to pass was inevitable and, even now, it gives me a knot in my stomach. I was a Narcissist’s Enabler. And the fact that you’re reading this probably means you’ve been a Narcissist’s Enabler as well. In fact, I can say with confidence that anyone who lets a narcissist back in even after just one silent treatment is a Narcissist’s Enabler. The narcissist uses the silent treatment to not only gauge our level of codependency and/or enabling capability but also to gauge his level of control at any given time.  This is why the silent treatment always seems to occur out the blue, catching us off-guard.  Something that we do or say causes a warning bell to go off in the narcissist’s twisted head indicating that we might not be as gung-ho for his program as he once thought.

Shit, what’s going on here? Better give her the silent treatment so I can get the levels on this.

What we allow, will continue. I did it for years and years. In the end, when I didn’t (and my levels kept coming back negative), he left for good after thirteen or so years and never returned. That was a little over a year ago and not a word since. Obviously, whoever was on the other receiving end of his narcissistic evil was – and still is – being compliant. To her, I say good luck with that.

Please don’t be a Narcissist’s Enabler.

If you enjoyed this book excerpt, order the full version here!

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  1. Oh so familar. So familiar. I am sure we have lived parallel lives. Word for word. Action for action and I am still enabling the charming viper. I keep trying to play a game of one upmanship, to my detriment every time. A lot less than it used to me. Months rather than weeks these days but only got myself to blame!

    • If I didn’t know better, I’d think we all had the same Narcissist. I continue to be amazed at the similarities….

      No, you will never win so stop trying. I did it thousands of times, always confident that this time I’ll beat him to the punch in some way. It never happened. They’re hardwired to be evil. We’re not.

  2. I have been told a narcissist always makes a come back…you say your narc has left for good, that you haven’t heard from him in over a year…..I have gone longer before and he has always made a come back…and the more I ignored him, the harder he tried to get my attention…I remember one time on the night my family threw me a birthday party, getting in my car and driving away and what appeared to be raindrops on my cars windshield, turned into a huge mess as I headed down the road…the windshield wipers made it impossible for me to see where I was going…someone had poured motor oil all over my car…I have no proof my narc did it, but when I confronted him about it online in a chat room, he said he’d never do such a thing and immediately said he had to go pick up his niece and he signed out of the chat room. There were other cars at my sisters house at the party, one was a red mustang…a much nicer car…if someone wanted to mess up a car, they would have chosen the mustang…mine was chosen deliberately. I know in my heart my narc is behind that incident. Then, one other time I was being harassed on Craigslist…I go there and post under rants and raves. Anyway, one day, SOMEONE posted a nasty post about me and how fat and ugly I am…and, to get my attention, they posted a picture of me that THEY had taken with their cell phone…I was outside in the picture at my sisters house, the same place where the oil incident occurred. My narc knows where my sister lives and knows I am over there more than I am at home. Anyway, I took the post and I went to the police…I told the detective I had a feeling I knew who was behind the picture taking, my narc and the detective suggested I get a restraining order against him…I chose not to because I felt he would only retaliate and up his antics. I waited 3 months for the cop to have craigslist subpoenaed and to know the identity of the person who had taken my picture. After three months, I called the detective and got the run around, he still had no answer, the D.A. hadn’t gotten back to him and the cop told me because he had not trespassed on my property while taking my picture, he had not broken any laws. The harassment continued for months on craigslist and to this day, every now and then, I still get harassed. My narc of course denies ever taking my picture, he even went so far as to say :” what is craigslist?” He lies all the time and he’s good at it , the narcissist always knows the right words to say to keep you hooked. I’ve been told that I will hear from my narc again, it may not be till 6 months from now or six years from now, but eventually, I will hear from him again. And, if history really does repeat itself, I will. Perhaps I’ll be a married woman by then, and it will be easy to continue no contact.

    • Wow, Cheryl….your story is getting worse every time. This guy is dangerous, I’m sorry. Up until this last post of yours, I admit I was on the fence about him…was actually thinking maybe he was just an asshole and perhaps not a narcissist…I wasn’t sure. Now, I’m pretty fucking sure he’s not only a narcissist but a sociopath as well! There is nothing about this guy that could possibly override this type of despicable behavior – I don’t care how many years you’ve known him! He has messed with you in the past and he will continue to mess with you periodically ONLY if you allow it. For your sake, I do hope and pray you are married or at least involved with a decent, NORMAL human being when and if he does rear his ugly, dangerous head. But you need to be able to handle it on your own no matter what. “What is craigslist?”…gimme a break!

      Cheryl, 26 years of “talking” to a man who you could even SUSPECT would do those things is far too long!!! Your instinct is spot-on and you know it. You already know his lies! He has managed down your expectations to the point that he can give you NOTHING AT ALL BUT CRUMBS and you will be satisfied. NO, no, no…it all must end.

      Zari xxooo

      • Maybe you’re right, maybe he has discarded me for the last time, I don’t know. As for the oil on my car and my pic on craigslist, I have no solid proof that he is behind it but I don’t know of anyone else who would do those things so I have always assumed he was behind it. I almost got in a car accident the night my windshield was covered in oil, it was scary.I pulled over to the nearet gas station and called my brother in law for help. He brought me some dawn dish soap and a pail of hot water. A cop was getting gas and I told him what had happened and he said to take the car to the all night car wash down the street…so I did that and the power wash worked. I talked about him to some of my friends on facebook and SUPOSSEDLY, one of his friends saw my post and went and told him I was talking behind his back ( as if he’s never talked about me behind my back ). He had sent me a text and said please stop talking about me on facebook. I was surprised he was keeping tabs on me. He says it’s his friends who saw me posting about him but he lies all the time, This has never made sense to me Zari because I don’t know any of his friends, why would they keep tabs on me so they can run and tell him what I’m saying behind his back? Who would DO that??? I keep my facebook page open to the public and really don’t give a shit if he keeps tabs on me, my life is an open book. In other news, I called the clinic where I received counceling and left a message for the intake department that I am seeking a new therapist, I am going to call them again tomorrow since it’s been 2 days and nobody has returned my call. I need help with my co-dependency, not someone who encourages me to keep the toxic “friendship” going. I have been keeping busy looking for a second job and I had an interview today at a Cumberland farms and I think I got the job as the manager said he is gonna call my references. I am a nanny and take care of my niece when she gets home from school so I am looking for mothers hours or evening work.My weekends will be busy as I’m sure I’ll have to work them. And, I am sticking with my diet, Ive been working out 6 days a week and 2 weeks ago my ring wouldn’t fit my finger and now it does, so I’m losing some weight.

        I need to change my thought pattern with my co-dependency or the next man I attract will also be a narcissist. I honestly don’t know why he has strung me along all this time, we were never a couple…hell, we were never friends, either. That’s really sad when I think about it. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I walked away years ago…any other woman would have told him to fuck off a long time ago. He probably has googled my name and has probably seen all these posts about him. I regret ever using my real name…it’s out there now and I can’t take it back. I have to keep telling myself he hates me and was never a friend to me, and has mentally and verbally abused me and took everything I have except for my soul. I know If I drop dead tomorrow, he wouldn’t care. He and his minions would probably throw a party, the fat bitch is finally dead…I could almost see it now. I can’t comprehend how a person can live and have no conscience….I really have a hard time grasping that thought. I sometimes think I must have been a bad person in another life and this is Gods punishment for me. I cannot tell you the number of times I have prayed to God about him, asking God to bring us closer and have us be real friends…my prayer has always gone unanswered, I guess that is his answer. Thanks for listening

        • Hi Cheryl,

          You know, I can tell from your posts that you are a highly intelligent person who really has clarity about the situation. I wish nothing but the best for you in this life and I feel complete empathy for your situation. It is so hard to wrap our heads around the fact that these monsters have no conscience whatsoever. Now, having no conscience doesn’t mean that N’s have no sense of right or wrong because they absolutely do. They just don’t give a shit. They simply do not care. In fact, the suffering of others makes them feel alive. This fact alone, I am sure, is the very reason why he has strung you along all these years. Every time he has the slightest “down” period (meaning one of his other relationships is not going his way), he pops back up to make sure he still has you feeling bad in the queue. Your insecurity and sadness gives him the boost he needs and then he moves along, again going silent. This is unacceptable, as you know, and it will never change! As much as all of this hurts you, you are truly making all of the right choices mentally. I am proud of you and of what I see as your progress from the very first posts. Be glad that you were never “a couple” because God only knows how horrible that would have been.

          And as far as God answering you relative to your request for intervention, I do believe that the silence was his intervention. God knows what you deserve and it certainly wasn’t a relationship – friendship or otherwise – with this jerk. And if its any consolation, narcissists can be friends with no one although they can mimic the emotions that make it appear as such. A narcissist is the ultimate Pretender.

          Stay strong!!!!

          Zari xxoo

  3. Hi Zari:
    Another great article by you… Do you really think you can recover and find true happiness with another man???? This is Mimi.. I really try to do okay and then when i have any exposure to the N i melt down. Is this common?
    The things he says to me and the way he talks to me destroys me.. Did you ever find another man to Love? If yes, how long did it take you.

    Please resond. thank you mimi

    • Boy, Mimi, I wish I could tell you I found another man to love but unfortunately that’s not the case. Will I ever? I don’t know…just the thought wears me out. It’s not that I don’t wish for it because I do but I suppose I don’t put myself out there (like I used to) where I can really have something to choose from. An ex-boyfriend who I used to live with ages ago before the N (the N hated him) and I still hang out a couple of times a week but nothing romantic. He has stayed close to my son all these years (which is really what the N was jealous of) and so now that the N isn’t around at all, he’s been coming up to help me with things…painting the apartment, fixing my car, etc. He makes me laugh non-stop, he’s really cute, and he knows me like the back of his hand…but we just stay on a “friend” level. And we’re talking about a guy with whom the break-up devastated me years ago…I was inconsolable! But, you see, therein lies the difference between the break-up of a normal relationship and the break-up with a narcissist. In normal break-ups, it is possible to be friends down the road when the pain has passed. I tease this guy unmercifully about his behavior way back when we were together….it’s all funny to me now but it sure wasn’t back then. When the ex is an N, you can never be friends – ever – because he is incapable of being anyone’s friend. It can never happen. A narcissist, from Day One, is out to destroy you. With this ex who’s been coming by, we get a long so good now that why would I wanna ruin a good thing?

      So, to answer your question, no, I haven’t found anyone but I do look and I’d jump on it (well…not literally, I suppose…LOL) if the right opportunity came around. In my case, sex with the N was really really good for all those years without fail and I know that sticks in the back of my mind. It’s just hard to start over…to find someone that you click with. The truth, though, and we can never forget it, is that our relationship with the N was a fabrication…a LIE…and, ultimately, we do have to move on if for no other reason than the fact that the relationship we’re hurting over never existed anyway.

      There were times, Mimi, (and I talk about this in the last chapter of my second book) that I would date other guys during a silent treatment or during those times the N would vanish. But, inevitably, I would treat these guys not very nicely. In the back of my mind, I knew that I was just killing time until the N came back. And I was. This time, because I knew it was over for good, I just decided that I didn’t want to do that anymore…that it was better to be alone for awhile, to let the pain pass, before I got involved. But I’m fairly ready now!!! And I don’t want to get too old either. The N wasted precious years of our lives….so feel free to look forward but take it slow. The last thing you’d ever want to do is make the same mistake twice!

  4. On valentines day, Ed’s ex girlfriend called me…last time I had talked to her was in January…at that time she was dating a man who lives in her building and she said they got engaged on New Years even though she’d only been dating him for 2 months. She said Ed found out she got engaged from someone at work ( they work at the same company) and she said he was upset over it. Now, on valentines day she calls me and tells me her boyfriend cheated on her and they broke up 2 months ago…something to this story doesn’t add up since she was dating him in January. I told her I haven’t heard from Ed since January 16th, I mentioned that he probably has a girlfriend and she said she doubts that. She told me she is tired of dating and said that ed did her in. First she told me she quit her job then later on in our conversation she said she is quitting her job on Tuesday. She has another job to fall back on. I wish I knew why she decided to call me…she said she hasn’t talked to ed since November yet when I last saw him, he said he had just ran into her and said they decided to have no hard feelings between them both. She did mention ed throwing a snowball at her so I know she’s seen him since November. She also told that Ed has gained weight. How could she know that unless she saw him? There’s lots of pieces missing to this puzzle. Anyway, thought I’d share this with you. Thanks for listening

    • Hi Cheryl,

      You’re like me in that you analyze everything people say and weed out the parts that don’t make sense. This is a good thing, of course, but we have a tendency to try to read too much into little things that seem “off” when most of the time those “off” things don’t mean a whole lot. As for this ex-girlfriend, I don’t know what to make of her but unless you two had become friends (as in hung out together, speaking on a regular basis…which obviously didn’t happen), I suspect she was just calling to “see” (in a round-about way) whether you were in ed’s picture or not on VALENTINE’S DAY, know what I mean? I can’t see any other reason for her to be calling you on that day or any other for that matter. Honestly, it kinda gets me mad because it’s just throws another monkey wrench in your mission to get better. But the part where you say Ed told you that he’d just run into her and they’d decided there were no hard feelings between them….well, I don’t believe that crock of shit from Ed at all. Whether her version of not seeing is true, I can’t say, but I’d be more apt to believe that than to believe that she ran into him and gave him a pass on all his evilness.

      I’d have to say that the fact that she called on Valentine’s Day “just to chat” is indicative of her wanting to see if you had heard from him on that day because she obviously hadn’t.Boy, he’s quite a dog, isn’t he?

      • she called me again tonight…she was in tears, she said she thinks she may have lung cancer…said that she keeps coughing and is having trouble breathing…and said she had a chest ex ray today and doesn’t know the results yet. I did my best to comfort her, she was clearly looking for a friend in me…as for her calling me on valentines day, I agree with you, she wanted to see if I had heard from ed. she said she wants to move out of her apartment, said her cat is having a hard time breathing too…mentioned black mold in the apartment…yesterday she mentioned living in a shelter yet today she called me from her apartment, kinda odd. I’m not gonna read into it too much. In other news, I spoke with a woman in intake today about getting a new therapist…she took down my information and said someone will be calling me, she just couldn’t say how soon, I might be on a waiting list for awhile. I also was just diagnosed today as having hyperthyroidism…am waiting to speak to this specialist about it.

        • Well, the good news here is your diagnosis! Once they get a handle on that, the weight will start falling off so much easier. I’ve seen it happen that way and it changed lives. The bad news, though, is that this girl is calling you again. Yes, it IS odd about the shelter. Did you ask her about that text?? She needs to answer for it. Don’t play into this whole woe-is-me saga because she, too, I have a feeling, has Ed on the brain and YOU + HER does not equal a good thing for you. I only care about you, Cheryl, and I don’t trust her intentions in any of this. She’s good to go on Valentine’s Day and three days later her world has fallen apart? I don’t buy it. From the dinner party to this, it’s all strange and it will hold you back. Be careful.

          • I sent ed’s ex a forward of the very text she sent to me…and I added, Helen,u meant to send this to doug ( her so called ex boyfriend) or to Ed NOT me. She hasn’t replied back. If she does text me, I will ignore her and if she calls me, I will let voicemail get it. I blocked her on facebook so now she can’t e-mail me on there. As foir having a hyperthyroid, that causes weight loss…so I should be having no problems with losing weight but I only lost one pound this week. I see the doctor on Monday, he is giving me an ultrasound, I hadn’t had a period for 6 months so he is checking the lining of the uterus to see if I have uterine cancer. He will also be the doctor to prescribe me medicine for the thyroid problem, he’s a reproductive endocrinologist. Anyway, my text to Helen should show her that I am onto her…I bet she has been talking to ed all along ..of course she says she hasn’t heard from him….she lies all the time, so why not lie about that as well? she cant be trusted so for now on I am giving her the silent treatment.

          • You wrote….she cant be trusted so for now on I am giving her the silent treatment. Right on, Cheryl!

            And please let me know what the doctor says…at least you are going to get to the bottom of it one way or another…I’ll be thinking of you and wishing only good things….Zari xxoo

  5. Hi Zari, I just got a rather strange text message from ed’s ex girlfriend…she says ” u will not be able to see me anymore I moved into a shelter home yesterday, my part time job doesn’t pay my rent. I’m so depressed” She MUST have meant to send this text message to somebody else…I have only seen her one time and that was the night ed got drunk. She doesn’t make much sense…on valentines day she told me her job pays her rent and that she has 3 interviews on Tuesday for other work. It’s the 17th…nobody pays their rent on the 17th so why would she have to go live in a shelter?? Wouldn’t it be something if she meant to send the message to ed? I wouldn’t be surprised if she still sees ed and maybe he put her up to contacting me on valentines day…I just don’t know anymore, SOMETHING here is fishy…I have never trusted her because she once told me she had dinner with dennis quaid and that he bought her a computer… she told ed the same story and he believed her and initially, he was the one to tell me of her date. It is obviuous she meant to send the text to someone who sees her…it makes no sense why she would say that to me…right??? Am I crazy or is she not telling me the whole truth, especially as far as ed is concerned…I know she keeps tabs on him, she told me she thinks he moved as his company van hasn’t been at his sisters…I drive by his place too and saw the van parked there last week. you have to drive out of your way to drive by where he lives….this is how I know she’s keeping tabs on him. I don’t understand why she is living in a shelter when just a few daYS AGO she told me she makes enough money to pay her rent….what do u think is going on here?

    • Okay…First of all, you shouldn’t be giving two shits about any of this because, no matter what the intent, it’s all bullshit. Forward the text back to her with a simple message like “I believe u sent this to the wrong number. Please do not text again” and then block her number so that she can’t call or text again. There isn’t a reason on this planet why you should ever be communicating with this person. I don’t have the slightest clue why she sent you that text but I do know this: no one accidentally sends a text to someone else . That is the oldest trick in the book. As for Ed being in on it, well…I’ll be honest with you…I had started to type that that was an impossibility and to get the idea out of your head but then I realized this was the girl who had you over to her house for dinner so you could see Ed which resulted in that whole drunken night of weirdness. If, indeed, he was in on the text, then chances are high that he was in the Valentine’s call which makes both of them bullies, trolls, whatever you want to call them. Anyway you look at it, they’re both nuts.

      And I’m not happy to hear about the drive-bys to keep tabs on Ed because that is soooo not good for your mental health. I know because I used to do it all of the time and it just about made me insane. Only when I stopped – absolutely stopped – was I able to mentally free myself of the asshole narcissist. Stop doing that, Cheryl. What is the purpose, really? You’re keeping tabs on him…why? You are not and have never been together as a couple. He’s a creep who strung you along and he doesn’t deserve your attention. This isn’t a game….this is about your life. Besides, and I’m sure you know this, a drive-by shows a stalker mentality even when we’re not thinking that way, and who knows what these weirdos are up to. And you say she does it to? So, what now, this guy has two women hiding in the dark watching his house? Enough already!

      Only two things could have happened here: 1) She is STILL seeing Ed (no matter what she told you) but he blew her off for Valentine’s Day and she called you to fish around for information and to see what your position was in his life at the moment. If this was the case, I’m sure you’re not the only girl she called that knows Ed. Although I wish she hadn’t of called you, this scenario actually sounds plausible and even normal under the circumstances. As for the job thing, I thought you told me (in your post) that she was quitting a job on Tuesday or it was her last day or something. Maybe that didn’t work out. And people who haven’t paid their rent by the 17th DO get evicted and may have no place to go. And I find it odd that you just so happened to have discussed the rent and so-forth in the Valentine’s call so you just know she’s lying. Or maybe she’s full of shit and was just trying to make conversation while she fished for information. Who knows? Who cares? OR 2) Her and Ed are in on it together and are hell-bent, for whatever reason, on bullying you, setting you up, having a laugh at your expense, etc. I call it bullying, Cheryl, because that’s what it would be if were true. And I would never even consider this scenario if it weren’t for the dinner story which was just plain weird and sounds more like a swinger party gone awry after one-half of the host couple (Ed) got drunk and started kissing the one guest (you) whereby ruining the whole plan!!!! These people are fucking weird, girl, run for the hills!!!! Who cares who texted what to whom and why???? These are straaaaaaange people who have found an easy target – you! Whether they’re doing it together or she’s doing it alone doesn’t matter. Nothing is ever going to make Ed a decent person and you are never going to have a relationship with him (thank God!!)

      Jeezz Louise…This one wore me out..I have to go take a nap now…let me know what happens, Cheryl, and do the right thing. Block…block…block….

      Zari xxoo

  6. I honestly don’t know how to block her from calling or texting me. I wasn’t invited over for dinner that night, it was 11 o’clock when I went over there, he was drunk when I got there and she had been drinking too but I wouldn’t say she was drunk. I don’t understand why she sent me that text message saying she was living in a shelter home, and couldn’t make rent ok, it was bullshit, I know that now…as for sending a text to me when it was meant for someone else, I have done that before accidently so it is possible that is what happened. As for last nights phone call, she was in tears, worried she may have lung cancer…why would she cry if it’s all bullshit? I don’t believe she and ed are talking and are bullying me…yeah, I could be wrong but I figure if that is the case, the truth will come out in time. SHe mentioned to me in an e-mail on facebook the other day that she doesn’t want to date anymore, that Ed had “did her in”. Once in a while she will e-mail me facebook but we are no longer facebook friends. I did catch her in another lie,she told me on valentines day that her and her boyfriend broke up 2 months ago…on January 25th I sent her an e-mail just to say hi and she wrote back saying her and her boyfriend are doing great and are thinking of getting a house together. So, they couldn’t have been broken up for 2 months, it doesn’t add up right. She mentioned something about ed possibly having a new cell phone when I told her he hasn’t called me or texted me…I wish I could remember exactly how she worded it…it gave me the impression she knows for a fact he has a new phone so maybe you are right, maybe they have been in contact with each other, maybe I’m a fool for listening to her. I think I will tell her I am dating a man I recently met on match,com…if in fact she is in cahoots with ed, let them both think I’m dating. Of course, if they knoiw about this website I’m fucked…that thought has crossed my mind.

    • I was actually going to suggest that you somehow get the message out that you are dating….I agree that you should do it. Good for you for thinking of that. And, no, I honestly do not believe that they know about the website and here’s why…I check the stats every day to see what search terms people use to get to my website. The analytical data that I look at is very detailed. I would know if your name or your name and ed’s combined or something that would lead me to believe someone was searching specifically for you was happening. I also know what pages people look, read, and land on using their search terms and I did a check tonight for your post pages and there is nothing. I do this so that I can notify posters if this kind of intrusion was taking place and so far we are all good. My name has been searched of course and my ex-narc’s name has been searched several times but I expect that since I have put my name out there. I promise that I will let you know if I see anything suspicious. In the meantime, you are welcome to change your name to whatever you like (just let me know so I know it’s you! lol) but I really think your okay as far as that goes.

      I honestly think this girl is just fishing for information and is getting caught up in her own lies/fibs..whatever you want to call her un-truths. Nothing she is saying makes sense. I’m, of course, sorry if she really thinks she has lung cancer but why didn’t she mention that on Valentine’s Day? I’m just sayin. It’s a little odd to have a full-blown crying fit about it just three days later. And I don’t blame you at all for listening. When someone is crying, what else can you do but offer an ear? Maybe I’m the one being cynical but I’m really just looking out for you and I don’t trust her motives. I know you know what’s what and will do what you think is right. I just hope she doesn’t make her little intrusions into your life a regular thing, that’s all….:)

      • I decided to lie last night and give Helen a taste of her own medicine since she lies to ME all the time. I decided to send her a text and I said ” ed texted me…I guess he still wants to be friends :)” she replied back saying “No surprise there, tell him I said hello “. So it looks like she hasn’t been communicating with him..I told my sister that and she said she could be playing along, because she’s just like Ed, she plays a lot of games.what do you think? I’ll wait to see if she contacts me again and if she does, then I will tell her I am dating someone I met from match.com

        • Cheryl, I thought the idea was to end these shenanigans, not to encourage them. Now you’re playing games with her just like we suspect she is doing with you. What response are you waiting for? What happened to giving her the silent treatment? I don’t know what to say anymore about this part of the situation and I don’t want to encourage game-playing because that’s not what I’m about or this website or my books and doing so, on my part, would be hypocritical.

          At this stage of the game, while we’re trying to recover or move on with life, we have to really be aware of our intention in almost everything we do. It’s easy to get side-swiped by things like communicating with people who are connected to the N or doing drive-bys or what have you. I plan on writing an article about this soon for the site because I see it happening here and there and I’m guilty of it myself.

          One reader who had been dealing with a an N for years and finally escaped with her sanity said to me this regarding doing things that lead to or have something to do with the ex…”Whenever I find myself wanting to get even or play a game or do something that somehow still keeps me connected to the N (whether he knows it or not), I have to ask myself just how far down the rabbit hole I really want to go.” In other words, is it really worth whatever repercussion may potentially come from it?

          It doesn’t take much to set us way back.

          • you’re right, it was dumb of me to text her, I just wanted to see how shed react. I haven’t texted her since and I don’t plan on it, she answered my question and curiousity, Iim convinced he hasn’t contacted her and she was pushing info outta me to see if he’s contacted me. I used to think ed would contact me again but i’m positive he is gone for good, just my gut feeling. and I doubt hes dating anyone…his sister he lives with doesn’t like me and i’m fairly certain she is the reason why he doesn’t talk to me anymore. thanks for listening

          • I don’t think for a minute you were “dumb” for texting her. It’s was a normal reaction to a complicated situation. However, sometimes – and especially when we’re trying to move on from something or someone that hurts us – we have to stop ourselves from doing or responding to things that will encourage communication or contact with those who do not have our best interest at heart. It’s all about living and learning as we go along and we can only do the best we can. You’re doing great…no worries!

          • She called me tonight around 7:30, I didn’t answer it, she left no voicemail message. She either found out I lied about ed texting me or she was calling hoping to hear some juicy gossip about ed. I hope she takes the hint cuz I didn’t call her back. We aren’t friends and she really has no business in calling me

          • she called me AGAIN this afternoon…she hung up before my voicemail came on…I wish she’d leave a message, if shes not talking to ed, she’s going crazy with thinking I am talking to him…she may be even jealous wondering why he hasn’t contacted her. I think if she knew I lied about hearing from ed, she’d leave a message and call me out on it. I know she’s obsessed with him…why else does she drive by his apartment to see if he’s home…she is probably thinking I told ed she said Hi and is wondering why he hasn’t reached out to her, just my guess. I hope she stops calling me and takes the hint…I’ll keep on ignoring her cuz if I talk to her, I might as well be talking to ed…they’re both HUGE liars.

          • If you really want the last word, you need to block her number. More importantly, blocking her number saves you from this ridiculous game she’s playing that is taking up your time. I know you said you don’t know how to block a number but it’s very easy. Tell me who your cell service provider is and I’ll get you the instructions.

          • Been there done that. It’s really tempting to keep playing the game. Problem is with a Narc the only way to win the game is to play “keep away” Every encounter with them or the ilk associated with them keeps your head in the game and hurts with the moving on process.

  7. update, she just texted me and said she doesn’t have lung cancer, that it’s allergies…she didn’t mention ANYTHING about her text I sent back to her. I ignored her text, not going to communicate with her anymore, if she calls I’ll let voicemail get it…I have to tell myself that talking to her is like I’m talking to ed ..i’ll follow the no contact rule, let them both have one another, they’re both liars and wack jobs

    • You wrote…I have to tell myself that talking to her is like I’m talking to ed ..i’ll follow the no contact rule, let them both have one another, they’re both liars and wack jobs

      Cheryl, you are doing awesome! I mean that from the bottom of my heart…You’re on a roll, girl!

  8. Zari I am only halfway through your book & I can’t begin to tell you how much it has hit home & honestly as strange as it sounds make me feel….. Not crazy. At only a few pages in I felt as though I couldn’t breathe, it was like I was reading about my own life, what I have been through. I always knew, instinctively knew something was right & now things are really starting to make sense for me… My soon to be ex-husband has put me through hell & back to put it mildly…. Everything you talk about is him. The lies, the manipulation, the verbal & mental beatdowns, the other women & the leaving…. Throughout my marriage any slight bit of weakness was eventually used against me. He would twist & manipulate every situation there was so that I would be so turned around & upside down I would either be apologizing for nothing at all or flipping out & in the end no matter which reaction I gave him he would win & I would feel bat shit crazy…. One lie always covers another & no matter how outrageous the lie he somehow ended up making me believe it or at least want to believe it. His need for constant control of me, our marriage our daughter reduced me this woman who was once tough, independent & could hold her own into this blubbering, frightened, nervous, anxiety ridden shell of a person. I was always one edge never knowing when the next bomb was going to drop to the point that I could never relax & enjoy any moment. He even maintained his control & manipulation throughout him being stationed overseas & his deployment in Afghanistan. He would go days or even weeks refusing to speak to me, he would pull apart my e-mails picking massive fights over things that were never even said therefore having an excuse to ignore me & not speak to me until I begged & apologized even when I knew I hadn’t said or done anything wrong. It was like a game to him. There were so many other women & no matter what I caught him at there was always a lie or an excuse or a story….. And if that didn’t work he would twist & twist, argue with me about how I was creating something out of nothing, make me feel like I was crazy imagining the things I had seen or worse right when he knew I had caught him at something he would accuse me of the most outlandish things before I could even confronting him. And then one day after not speaking to me & ignoring me in our own house for 2 weeks over what I to this day, a year and a half later, I could not tell you. He came home, said he found a place, signed the lease & was moving out. In his words he felt we needed a “break”. Apparently the constant deployments weren’t enough. But since he was no longer active duty he knew he could leave without having to worry about the financial consequences the Marine Corps would enforce on him. So 3 days later he took what he wanted & left my daughter & I. States away from my family in Massachusetts, in a house with rent I couldn’t afford not knowing where I was going to go & with only 30 days & no money to know how I was going to do it. I put puzzle pieces together & found out he had someone one the side, though he kept her a secret from the public as to not ruin his image as a cheating bastard. And to this day he will never admit to the fact that they were anything other than “friends”. Which is based upon everything I found a blatant lie. Yet there were so many times I craved believing him… Over this last year and a half life has been like being drunk & on a roller coaster… He manipulates, pulls me back in & then pulls some bullshit move that would leave me destroyed. He refuses to accept responsibility for ANYTHING that has happened, anything he has said or done & the closest he comes is when he blames me for doing it. Any time I have showed an ounce of strength against him he stoops to a new low…. He has never taken any kind of responsibility for his daughter physically, emotionally or financially but he portrays that he is daddy or the year & the lies keep rolling…. This last drop was a doozy. A week after Christmas he drops the bomb he is moving back home…. To where he is from…. Halfway across the country in the mid-west. A week after that he announces he was moving the following week, two days before he left I found out he had a girlfriend. Mind you all along he has been feeding me how much he loved me & would do “anything” to make our marriage work. His games with me continue even over that phone, halfway across the damn country. He wouldn’t even admit that he had a girlfriend regardless of the fact he had announced it on social frigging media!!! To not feed in to his antics, keep my temper in check & not give him the reactions he constantly is looking for I started journaling again. The first thing I wrote was a “letter” to the new girlfriend giving her a heads-up to what life is really like with him. Then by chance I came upon your book & after a couple of chapters in I went back & read the “letter” I wrote her… There is was everything you had described was there in black & white to her. Because of you sharing your experiences, your life, your knowledge, I feel like I can breathe again, I have a sense of clarity I haven’t had in 6 years. I already am handling myself differently with him & most importantly I am starting to become a much better mother to my beautiful daughter. And I am only halfway through your book!!! Haha! But thank you. Thank you for writing this book.

    • Wow….I am so sorry for what you are going through but I’m glad you found my book and your way to this website and thank you for the kind words.:) Your post and others like it are all I need to keep going on my mission to get the word out about these monsters. Please do me a favor and post a review on Amazon when you can – it really helps carry on the message.

      As for your situation, what a nightmare and I can relate to every word of it. We all read each other’s stories and can see ourselves in it…switching places with the victim as easily as if someone else was writing our life story. The fact that the characters are interchangeable has and will always amaze me. We want so much to believe the lies become we can’t fathom the fact that someone we love and care for so much would actually deliberately hurt us the way that they do. Believing the lie becomes easier than standing up for the truth and this becomes our downfall and the catalyst for all the pain that follows. And isn’t it crazy how they will admit to NOTHING even when you lay the facts right out in the open for them to see? I, too, spent many moments on my hands and knees begging for forgiveness after catching him doing something evil behind my back. He could and would manipulate anything and everything to serve his own purpose. When I started to catch on, I began to watch his every move and I could predict what he was going to do or say before he did it. If he hit me with a ridiculous accusation, I knew that he was up to something and a silent treatment was imminent. Usually they will accuse you of exactly they’re doing, giving themselves away like little children. Our entire existence becomes all about trying to figure out his game plan and it becomes almost impossible to focus on real life. This, by the way, is their intention.

      It’s like riding the world’s craziest roller coaster in complete darkness, all alone, and without a safety harness. All we can do is hang on for dear life and hope and pray we make it out alive.

      The military is a notorious playground for narcissists. Long before the narcissist that I speak of in my book, I was married to a Army pilot for a short period of time (long enough to have my son). Deployment gives a narcissist permission to go silent and to do whatever he wants. You’re comment “He came home, said he found a place, signed the lease & was moving out. In his words he felt we needed a “break”. Apparently the constant deployments weren’t enough.” is so true. Thankfully, the situation didn’t last long enough for me to get the full effect of the suffering but I watched it happen all around me to the army wives I had become friends with. I didn’t even have a label to pin on it back then but now, as I look back, I can clearly see that, from the privates all the way to the top, narcissism was/is rampant.

      I am sorry for your situation. Make sure that he pays his child support. My Army-ex got away with NOT paying for years and now he pays through the teeth in back child support and my son is twenty-five! If he’s out of the military for good, notify you local child support office of his last location and give them every piece of information you can as to his whereabouts. Narcissists, unfortunately, are not capable of loving their children any more than they can love their partner or anyone else who becomes close to them. But beware…he will use the fact that you have a daughter together to stay in your life and in your business forever. You must begin to detach from the pain that he causes you and hopefully my books will help with that. He will continue to invade your life across the miles without blinking an eye…but always know that, no matter what he says, he is only returning again and again (via text, phone call, letter, email, or in person) to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you.

      We will be thinking of you and rooting for you, girlfriend. You are not alone – always remember that. Keep reading the articles and comments here as well as those on similar sites to stay educated and in tune with the N’s tactics. Knowledge is power!

      PLEASE keep me updated…write soon and any time you feel the need!

      Zari xxoo

      • I will for sure review your book on Amazon!! Thank you so much for your support it is so needed and gives me such a boost! Because I have such weak moment with him. I know better, I know logically when he is trying to goad me & playing his games & yet I still fall right into it & give him the exact reaction he wants. I did it just last night & was so mad at myself today for it. I have so much anger & resentment towards him & even towards his latest girlfriend, the one he moved right out of state for….. And while my logic side knows that all she is is another play toy for him & he will do to her what he has done to me (and I am sure so many others while even being married to me) I just can’t seem to move beyond my resentments towards her, I find that I let my thoughts get the best of me sometimes thinking about how they are probably getting out & going on fun dates, how he is probably spoiling her with attention, time & “love”, sweeping her totally off her feet & I am left here with my heart destroyed & I think bitch that’s MY husband you are with. Even when home with us & not deployed he made me feel as though he was embarrassed of us, a family outing would consist of us food shopping or doing quick errands, he would forget to tell me about shop functions & I would end up being the only wife that didn’t go & of course he would go without me. He would do anything & everything on his own promising we would do something together as a family so we would sit around waiting & waiting for him to come home & when he did, if he returned at a decent hour he wouldn’t feel like it any more. I spent more time at the balls sitting by myself then on the arm of my husband like the other wives, where he had disappeared to I don’t know. I couldn’t fathom how someone who was once so proud to “show me off” could now be so ashamed of me… But as time went on i began to realize we didn’t do things publicly because he was ashamed of me or our daughter, but because he couldn’t risk getting seen with us by any of the other females he spewed his bullshit to & get caught. And yet the sad thing is even though I am so angry at the latest bag of trash & resentful of the time & attention she is getting from him, it isn’t even that I want him, not after what he has done to me, what he has done to our daughter. The pain he has caused over & over again. I think that maybe it is the idea of what I kept holding on for with him, to have it be how it was in the beginning, how I am sure he is with her. After he left the first time & I started putting the puzzle pieces together & would confront him with bits & pieces of what I knew just hoping he would tell the truth to me so that I could say see he is being honest now, so that there would be some glimmer of hope he would let me down every single time & yet I would buy into his crap & be willing to try things & every time end up in the exact same destroyed place… And sometimes even worse than the last time. He would never admit to ANYTHING!!! No matter what sliver of proof I put in front of him. Since he for a short time was on my cell phone plan, after he left I requested the text logs, almost 8000 texts sent & received in less than a 35 day time span. I looked up a whole hell of a lot of numbers and with the exception of like 5 people the rest were ALL girls he was talking to. 5000 of those were between him & the trash bag he left me for, the one he was just “friends” with & then there were about 8-10 more girls he was just constantly texting, all hours of the day & night. And when I confronted him about how someone could have 8000 texts sent & received in that short amount of time & 5000 belonging to the named bag of trash he would either gloss over it & act like he had no idea what I was talking about or he would FLIP the fuck out on me & accuse me of lying about it & an array of other insane accusations. But never once from him was there even a shred of honesty. And yet instead of just realizing how toxic he was for myself & our little girl I let him continue to chip away at me & every time I thought he could possibly stoop any lower he would find a new low…. And then would promptly turn around & tell me I did it to myself, I deserved it & I caused it. In fact his most favorite thing to say these days is that I didn’t care about our marriage, I didn’t fight for it & I let it die, I let him walk away… The sick thing is I think he really has maybe convinced himself of that, my friends, my mom will tell me don’t you dare let him think that what more could you have done because I am sure they hear the doubt in my voice or the doubting look on my face when I tell them his latest antics… Because that’s what he has done to me over the years all the negative, brutal vile things he would tell me over & over again about myself I started to believe & while I have started to get back a little of my old self there is still his voice inside my head repeating all of his hate filled words & making me doubt myself, my sanity. I don’t know who wants to bitch slap me more sometimes my friends & family or my common sense…. But the pain my daughter is going through, watching him break her heart time & time again, knowing that he uses a 4 1/2 year old as an excuse to talk to me or worse use her as a vindictive tool is what drives me to end this bullshit. I took a HUGE step a couple of weeks ago, one he doesn’t know about or is expecting, but he will find out soon enough…. It is something I am proud of, is what is best for my daughter & myself & will share soon (and nothing illegal as temping as it may be!!!) I think one of the hardest things has been learning to let go, let go of him because of who he really is, let go of who he pretended to be to me (and continues to pretend to be to many others), of wanting to be a family, our family, letting go of the want to fix things, fix us, fix him. Letting go that he can’t be fixed. And almost hardest of all is learning to let go of the anger, the resentment & embracing the fact that I am free to be myself again….. Sure I am getting stronger little by little but sometimes I feel with every step I take forward there are times he pulls me 3 steps back…..

        • Wow….Look, girlfriend, after your first post the other day, your story reminded me so much of my own relationship (from the books) that I wrote a post on your behalf. Please read it here because you will say “Oh my God…that’s him…that’s us”. And your post right now…it breaks my heart and I have so much to say about it. But right now it is 4am Tucson time and I have to sleep before a 9:00am apt. I will be back here this afternoon and will respond to the issues you discuss in this post. You are not the crazy one, girl, and you never were. Also, watch my video trailer for the book because you will relate to that as well. This guy is the epitome of a narcissist and he will never ever change. Not for you, not for your daughter, and not for this woman. And, in as much as you hate her and resent her, you have to know that she is living in a reality that he created and she only knows what he has told her – lies. He doesn’t love her, care for her, and never will. He may already be cheating on her or getting things in line “just in case”. This is his life and the only way that he’ll ever care to live it. If she isn’t feeling like a victim already, she will be shortly. I have no doubt the honeymoon phase is over now that he has moved. As much as you want to rage at her, she is only now beginning to see the truth and it will get worse. As hard as it is, do not concern yourself with their relationship. Do not fantasize and make yourself suffer over what they are doing because it’s all a fabrication. Narcissists do NOT settle down…do NOT feel love…do not tolerate normal humans. Better her than you…

          Oh…must lay down….I will write more this afternoon….do me a favor, if he calls today, ignore the call. Take a day off from his nonsense and do something for yourself and your daughter…just the two of you. Talk to you soon…..xxoo

        • Wow….are you sure you’re not married to my ex-boyfriend? lol It’s shocking, it really is. I used to say “How come you get to play by a completely different set of rules than everyone else?” It got to the point that I would just shut-up and basically be silent with a thousand thoughts/questions running through my head all the time. I’d be doing my things around the apartment thinking, thinking, thinking, imagining what I would say if I could say it. Everything I never got the whole truth about…I’d think about all of it every day while new scenarios/suspicions got piled on. Nothing was ever resolved.

          And then, without fail, this conversation would happen:

          W: Why are you so quiet, Zari What’s going on? What’s on your mind?
          Me: Nothing. I don’t want to go there, really.
          W: I know it’s something. Just say it. You’re just going to sit there and be quiet all night?
          Me: If I tell you what’s on my mind, it turns into a fight. Every time.
          W: Will you stop that. Come on…just tell me what’s up. You make things so much more complicated than they need to be. I’m really just a simple man. I don’t even think like that.
          Me: Okay..fine. The other day…when you said you were at Chuck’s…I know you weren’t there. And you just never called. You just blew me off. Sky (my son) was waiting for you too. And your phone was off….
          W: Oh here we go…and now the bullshit starts..
          Me: You TOLD me to tell you…did you or did you not just tell me to say what was on my mind? I’m just saying…if nothing is a big deal than why lie…
          W: Oh now I’m a liar. I knew I shouldn’t have come over…Bitch, bitch, bitch…You’re not my fucking mother. It’s no wonder I turn my phone off.
          Me: But where were you then?
          W: You know what? You’re a control freak. Fuck you.

          ….and so forth until I would cry with my fingers in my ears and he’d be hovering over me literally harassing me, lecturing me, into submission. Craziness…day after day. This is why we end up either acting like a lunatic, giving them the reaction they want…or we become absolutely silent.

          I could write those conversations verbatim all day long. His words are forever burned in my brain as if it happened yesterday – but, thank God, I never shed a tear over it anymore. And either will you. Writing is the best way to get it all out. Write, write, write until you can’t write anymore. It’s completely natural – and justified – for you to feel everything you feel…even for missing the bastard despite his evilness. You’ve got to work through it piece by piece and the level of betrayal makes the recovery fairly complex.

          This is another exercise that for some reason didn’t make the book but I think it would really help you and all the others that come here and are able to express themselves so nicely via writing: Buy one notebook to use for answering this same question at 3 specific times each day: How do I feel right now? The key is to try to do it at or as close to the same times each day and watch how your thought process and mindset change from day to day and from time to time. It can be just a couple to three paragraphs at each of the three sittings, describing your mood, what’s on your mind, specifc things you’re thinking about right then or even if your not thinking about anything at all related to HIM. Over time, you’ll notice a pain pattern and be able to work on the issues about the break-up or discard that are obviously the biggest obstacles. You may even notice that you have really good days as well (such as a whole day where you didn’t cry actual tears).

          This guy really made a mess of things and you deserve to be mad. It’s hard to accept that it is what it is. Situations are always the most painful when they aren’t fixable. I think I can speak for most of us when I say that finding out our partner was a narcissist wasn’t half as heart-breaking as the realization that nothing we could ever do or say – and, for that matter, nothing anyone else could do or say – was ever going to change it. That is the moment that is the end-all.

          Stay strong…..

          Zari xxo

  9. Hi Zari, I tried to reply to your last comment and couldn’t so I am writing you here. I use a cell phone from the government, it comes from a program called Safelink…people on food stamps and are low income get free minutes each month on their tracphone from Safelink. I have looked under settings and as far as I can tell, there is no blocking available on my phone otherwise I would have blocked her already…

  10. My son is married to a Narcissistic woman. They are in the process of divorce. He and his family have been through hell because of her lies. With very little “evidence” she falsely accused him of molesting their son, found an overzealous CPS worker and had him throw him in jail for a few days. For months the nightmare continued and he was not allowed contact with his son nor his daughter. His family was not allowed contact with children either. My grandson and granddaughter did not understand this at all and had abandonment issues. My son was under house arrest and required to live outside his community with no job opportunities. His wife filed for divorce and ask for child support and spousal maintenance of about $4,000 a month. The judge denied it and reminded her of the position she had put him in. After 9 months and thousands of dollars spent on attorneys and living expenses – (money donated and loaned to him by many supportive friends and family), the DSHS findings were unfounded and charges were dismissed just a few days before the criminal trial date. Much more money has been spent on divorce hearings to prove her continued attempts at unjustly saying the children are not safe with him, spreading lies and then she tried to drive drunk with the kids and was fired from her job. Despite this she believes that whatever she says is true should be believed. Luckily the judge has realized she is lying about many things. However, the fight continues with even more money being spent on custody evaluations and psyche tests – the results of which are pending. My retirement is almost completely gone in this endeavor. My son has been steadfast and moved back into the community and has 90% of the small community’s support. He is working part time and continues to increase his hours. The judge awarded him unsupervised visitation shortly after the unfounded and dismissal, then granted a week long trip to another state and finally 2 months ago flipped primary custody to him until the final divorce trial which will be in 4 months. Despite the gains and the wonderful reunion with his children the damage is enormous and he has unbelievable stress. He is a great father and careful not to put the kids in the middle. They are resilient and still see their mother a couple times a week and every other week-end and speak to her on the phone 3 times a week. (Contact that was fought for in the courts for my son and now flipped to her.) She continues to plant seeds in their minds that they are not being taken care of properly. Narcissism is so very destructive and needs to be exposed! More men and children are becoming victims and it has to stop, but how? The State can’t be sued and it is hard to prove false allegations on her part. There is a dire need for a support systems for male victims of narcissist women. There are many groups and books for women victims but the options for male victims are bleak. I look forward to your thoughts.

    • Hello and thank you for writing. I am so sorry that your family is suffering through this nightmare and I understand all of it. Let me tell you that female narcissists are, in my opinion, far worse than male narcissists. Please read my article, anything let alone a “narcissistic wife”. The narcissistic female, of course is keenly aware of this and will attempt to use it for all it’s worth. Thank God that a courtroom often brings out the “best of” these female monsters and judges are getting a bit better as seeing through the bullshit. For your son, though, and for you, as his very caring mother, I realize this offers little comfort considering the damage this woman has done and obviously will continue to perpetrate. And, believe me, she will continue…because it is who she is and what she does best.

      If you would, I’d like very much if you and/or your son would read at least my first book When Love Is a Lie which is available on Amazon for easy download. At the book’s beginning, I created a “Note to Readers” page that makes a point of stating that, although all narcissists in the book are depicted as males, it is only because much of the story is about me and it is simply more convenient to do so. I am well aware of the painful situation that female narcissists so deliberately inflict upon men who I have found to be not only loving, committed husbands but also caring, attentive fathers as well. I really believe that my book, as it has thankfully done for over 3000 readers, will help both you and your son get a grasp of the underlying dynamics of the narcissistic personality. I can show you how I learned to change my perspective of this evilness to the point that I could be without this person and still have my sanity. Your son can do the same and you as well, mom! Please, please get the book as soon as possible. It’s a cheap and easy read that will bring validation and confirmation, I promise.

      As you know, narcissists are evil individuals who can not and certainly will not ever change no matter what you do or say. All we can do is take control of our reactions and, in doing this, turn the tables on the pathological agenda that these creeps live by. In a situation that involves children, I have always said that the only thing worse than a typical narcissist is a narcissist who has children with the victim. When the narcissist is the mom, is it is so much worse. It does not surprise me one bit that she played the molestation card because she cares not a single bit for the well-being of those children and the reputation of the father. To a narcissist, a lie is a means to an end and she will always feel perfectly entitled to play the game in any fashion she needs in order to get make the biggest detrimental impact. Everything is about chaos and about her appearance in the global arena. Since a narcissist is incapable of feeling love, there is absolutely nothing to hold her back from crossing every boundary possible. And it’s never going to be about the children. She simply doesn’t care.

      I am pleased to hear that your son has primary custody because, as overwhelming as it seems, he CAN undo the damage caused by this woman. Unfortunately, you are not going to be able to stop her from lying to the children about your son. This is all she has right now and she is going to hit it hard. Your son, however, must remain steadfast and refuse to talk badly about the mom in front of the children. If they ask questions, he can answer honestly and he can certainly defend himself to a point but nothing more. Both you and your son MUST TRUST in the fact that, at some point in the future, the truth about all of it is going to become very clear. No matter what vile mommy is spewing, each one will know without a doubt that daddy is not nor has he ever been the enemy. YOU HAVE TO TRUST IN THIS. Children are amazing and smart and they will instinctively know the truth no matter how it appears.

      For his own mental well-being and especially because there is a court date coming up, your son must not, in any way and even inadvertently, feed into her game. She will create enormous amounts of chaos over everything all the time as a way to distract you and your son from what she has in store. Avoid contact with her unless absolutely necessary, ignore all her attempts to incite incriminating reactions at all costs, stop worrying if others (aside from the judge, of course) believe her slanderous bullshit because (in the big picture) it truly doesn’t matter, lay low and quiet until the court date, never discuss the divorce with mutual friends (in fact, DON’T have mutual friends), remain true to the children as grandmother and father and encourage happiness, practice being indifferent to the narcissist’s despicable behavior while at the same time being keenly aware of her plans and actions, keep a journal of every day life at home and of all interactions with the narcissist up to the court date (and provide to court just in case), and believe, above all else, that the truth is going to prevail because you are smarter than the average bear and she is nothing but an empty, heartless, narcissist whose only pleasure comes from the suffering of others.

      I am sorry this has become such a financial burden for you and I can’t imagine a worse way for it to have happened. What I can tell you is that, when court is over and the smoke clears, the right decisions will have been made and you will find it easier to detach. Perhaps without this darkness hovering close, your finances will come back to you where they belong. I believe that you can all have a fresh start but you must play the game by a completely different set of rules than the ones the narcissist plays by. She CAN NOT be allowed to get ahead under any means and you must always contain your temper/anger. Besides, you don’t have to communicate with these jerks to find out the truth…all you have to do is listen, observe, and take notes.

      You and your son and those resilient children will make it through this. For your son, he needs to get the ball in his court immediately. Practice indifference every day, all day. Postpone worry and anger at least until tomorrow. READ MY BOOK AS A MAJOR AND MUCH-NEEDED MOTIVATOR. And write any time!

      Regards,

      Zari