Don’t Be a Narcissist’s Enabler (Book Excerpt: “Stop Spinning, Start Breathing”)

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The following is an excerpt from Zari Ballard’s book Stop Spinning, Start Breathing:

At that grandiose point that we realize that our partner is a narcissist/sociopath, we can also assume that we’ve been his/her enabler for a very long time. Our codependency to the narcissist and to the relationship drama itself has almost has as much to do with our allowing it as it does with the narcissist’s manipulation. And while this fact may not be an easy pill to swallow, accepting it and vowing to undo it becomes a giant step forward in our quest to mentally break free from this very toxic individual.

The truth of the matter is – and this applies to any situation where we get that uncomfortable feelingwhatever we allow is what will continue. If we allow the narcissist to disappear and reappear…to give us the deafening silent treatment…to press the proverbial relationship reset button whenever he feels like it…then he will continue to do so until the end of time. Keep in mind that, to a narcissist, this kind of bullshit never gets old. He loves it. It makes him feel gloriously alive and in control. If you allow it…hell, he’s in narcissistic heaven.

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And just in case you feel that I’m being judgmental about your game participation, I offer you the following two proof-of-enabling  examples from my own narcissistic hell:

One wee morning hour (around 4am), approximately two years and four silent treatments into the relationship, my ex and I were sitting in a studio (we were both musicians) playing guitar and having a grand old time. About eight hours earlier, he had finally called wanting to see after six weeks of absolute silence. During those six weeks, I had been inconsolable, having no idea why he’d disappeared again (this being before my “a-ha” moment, of course). I’d lost weight, been unable to sleep, and written letter after letter trying to get him to respond but to no avail. Needless to say, relieved that he finally called, I happily accepted.  So there we were, singing and laughing, and me feeling as happy as can be when he suddenly put down his guitar, looked at me in loving amazement and asked, “Wow. Why do you love me? I don’t even call you.” Great. My response, if I’m not mistaken, was to have sex with him right there on the studio floor. “Wow” is right. Even the narcissist was amazed at my enabling capabilities.

Then, there was the time about six years later that my ex, after cheating on me, admitting it, and then trying everything – including a hard smack to the head – to pull me out of my crying jag, finally realized he might have gone too far (ya think?).  Feigning remorse, he begged me to forgive him. I continued to sob, pleading “Why? Why? Why did you do it?” until the N, completely exasperated and unable to pretend a second longer, threw up his hands and replied, “I don’t know! I always figured I could do whatever I wanted and you’d still take me back!”  My reaction? I don’t really remember and maybe I don’t want to. This happened after the “a-ha” moment and about four years before we broke up. Do the math.

narcissist-enablerOh…and just one more: I can’t count the times that I would ask “Why do you do it?” or “Why do you treat me this way?” and he’d reply, “Why do you let me?” My reply? “Because I’m an idiot”, I’d say. Hell, I was right about that one! Or sometimes I’d just look at him so sadly and say, “Because I keep hoping you’ll change”. Either way, what came to pass was inevitable and, even now, it gives me a knot in my stomach. I was a Narcissist’s Enabler. And the fact that you’re reading this probably means you’ve been a Narcissist’s Enabler as well. In fact, I can say with confidence that anyone who lets a narcissist back in even after just one silent treatment is a Narcissist’s Enabler. The narcissist uses the silent treatment to not only gauge our level of codependency and/or enabling capability but also to gauge his level of control at any given time.  This is why the silent treatment always seems to occur out the blue, catching us off-guard.  Something that we do or say causes a warning bell to go off in the narcissist’s twisted head indicating that we might not be as gung-ho for his program as he once thought.

Shit, what’s going on here? Better give her the silent treatment so I can get the levels on this.

What we allow, will continue. I did it for years and years. In the end, when I didn’t (and my levels kept coming back negative), he left for good after thirteen or so years and never returned. That was a little over a year ago and not a word since. Obviously, whoever was on the other receiving end of his narcissistic evil was – and still is – being compliant. To her, I say good luck with that.

Please don’t be a Narcissist’s Enabler.

If you enjoyed this book excerpt, order the full version here!

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  1. Hi Zari, I tried to reply to your last comment and couldn’t so I am writing you here. I use a cell phone from the government, it comes from a program called Safelink…people on food stamps and are low income get free minutes each month on their tracphone from Safelink. I have looked under settings and as far as I can tell, there is no blocking available on my phone otherwise I would have blocked her already…

  2. Zari I am only halfway through your book & I can’t begin to tell you how much it has hit home & honestly as strange as it sounds make me feel….. Not crazy. At only a few pages in I felt as though I couldn’t breathe, it was like I was reading about my own life, what I have been through. I always knew, instinctively knew something was right & now things are really starting to make sense for me… My soon to be ex-husband has put me through hell & back to put it mildly…. Everything you talk about is him. The lies, the manipulation, the verbal & mental beatdowns, the other women & the leaving…. Throughout my marriage any slight bit of weakness was eventually used against me. He would twist & manipulate every situation there was so that I would be so turned around & upside down I would either be apologizing for nothing at all or flipping out & in the end no matter which reaction I gave him he would win & I would feel bat shit crazy…. One lie always covers another & no matter how outrageous the lie he somehow ended up making me believe it or at least want to believe it. His need for constant control of me, our marriage our daughter reduced me this woman who was once tough, independent & could hold her own into this blubbering, frightened, nervous, anxiety ridden shell of a person. I was always one edge never knowing when the next bomb was going to drop to the point that I could never relax & enjoy any moment. He even maintained his control & manipulation throughout him being stationed overseas & his deployment in Afghanistan. He would go days or even weeks refusing to speak to me, he would pull apart my e-mails picking massive fights over things that were never even said therefore having an excuse to ignore me & not speak to me until I begged & apologized even when I knew I hadn’t said or done anything wrong. It was like a game to him. There were so many other women & no matter what I caught him at there was always a lie or an excuse or a story….. And if that didn’t work he would twist & twist, argue with me about how I was creating something out of nothing, make me feel like I was crazy imagining the things I had seen or worse right when he knew I had caught him at something he would accuse me of the most outlandish things before I could even confronting him. And then one day after not speaking to me & ignoring me in our own house for 2 weeks over what I to this day, a year and a half later, I could not tell you. He came home, said he found a place, signed the lease & was moving out. In his words he felt we needed a “break”. Apparently the constant deployments weren’t enough. But since he was no longer active duty he knew he could leave without having to worry about the financial consequences the Marine Corps would enforce on him. So 3 days later he took what he wanted & left my daughter & I. States away from my family in Massachusetts, in a house with rent I couldn’t afford not knowing where I was going to go & with only 30 days & no money to know how I was going to do it. I put puzzle pieces together & found out he had someone one the side, though he kept her a secret from the public as to not ruin his image as a cheating bastard. And to this day he will never admit to the fact that they were anything other than “friends”. Which is based upon everything I found a blatant lie. Yet there were so many times I craved believing him… Over this last year and a half life has been like being drunk & on a roller coaster… He manipulates, pulls me back in & then pulls some bullshit move that would leave me destroyed. He refuses to accept responsibility for ANYTHING that has happened, anything he has said or done & the closest he comes is when he blames me for doing it. Any time I have showed an ounce of strength against him he stoops to a new low…. He has never taken any kind of responsibility for his daughter physically, emotionally or financially but he portrays that he is daddy or the year & the lies keep rolling…. This last drop was a doozy. A week after Christmas he drops the bomb he is moving back home…. To where he is from…. Halfway across the country in the mid-west. A week after that he announces he was moving the following week, two days before he left I found out he had a girlfriend. Mind you all along he has been feeding me how much he loved me & would do “anything” to make our marriage work. His games with me continue even over that phone, halfway across the damn country. He wouldn’t even admit that he had a girlfriend regardless of the fact he had announced it on social frigging media!!! To not feed in to his antics, keep my temper in check & not give him the reactions he constantly is looking for I started journaling again. The first thing I wrote was a “letter” to the new girlfriend giving her a heads-up to what life is really like with him. Then by chance I came upon your book & after a couple of chapters in I went back & read the “letter” I wrote her… There is was everything you had described was there in black & white to her. Because of you sharing your experiences, your life, your knowledge, I feel like I can breathe again, I have a sense of clarity I haven’t had in 6 years. I already am handling myself differently with him & most importantly I am starting to become a much better mother to my beautiful daughter. And I am only halfway through your book!!! Haha! But thank you. Thank you for writing this book.

    • Wow….I am so sorry for what you are going through but I’m glad you found my book and your way to this website and thank you for the kind words.:) Your post and others like it are all I need to keep going on my mission to get the word out about these monsters. Please do me a favor and post a review on Amazon when you can – it really helps carry on the message.

      As for your situation, what a nightmare and I can relate to every word of it. We all read each other’s stories and can see ourselves in it…switching places with the victim as easily as if someone else was writing our life story. The fact that the characters are interchangeable has and will always amaze me. We want so much to believe the lies become we can’t fathom the fact that someone we love and care for so much would actually deliberately hurt us the way that they do. Believing the lie becomes easier than standing up for the truth and this becomes our downfall and the catalyst for all the pain that follows. And isn’t it crazy how they will admit to NOTHING even when you lay the facts right out in the open for them to see? I, too, spent many moments on my hands and knees begging for forgiveness after catching him doing something evil behind my back. He could and would manipulate anything and everything to serve his own purpose. When I started to catch on, I began to watch his every move and I could predict what he was going to do or say before he did it. If he hit me with a ridiculous accusation, I knew that he was up to something and a silent treatment was imminent. Usually they will accuse you of exactly they’re doing, giving themselves away like little children. Our entire existence becomes all about trying to figure out his game plan and it becomes almost impossible to focus on real life. This, by the way, is their intention.

      It’s like riding the world’s craziest roller coaster in complete darkness, all alone, and without a safety harness. All we can do is hang on for dear life and hope and pray we make it out alive.

      The military is a notorious playground for narcissists. Long before the narcissist that I speak of in my book, I was married to a Army pilot for a short period of time (long enough to have my son). Deployment gives a narcissist permission to go silent and to do whatever he wants. You’re comment “He came home, said he found a place, signed the lease & was moving out. In his words he felt we needed a “break”. Apparently the constant deployments weren’t enough.” is so true. Thankfully, the situation didn’t last long enough for me to get the full effect of the suffering but I watched it happen all around me to the army wives I had become friends with. I didn’t even have a label to pin on it back then but now, as I look back, I can clearly see that, from the privates all the way to the top, narcissism was/is rampant.

      I am sorry for your situation. Make sure that he pays his child support. My Army-ex got away with NOT paying for years and now he pays through the teeth in back child support and my son is twenty-five! If he’s out of the military for good, notify you local child support office of his last location and give them every piece of information you can as to his whereabouts. Narcissists, unfortunately, are not capable of loving their children any more than they can love their partner or anyone else who becomes close to them. But beware…he will use the fact that you have a daughter together to stay in your life and in your business forever. You must begin to detach from the pain that he causes you and hopefully my books will help with that. He will continue to invade your life across the miles without blinking an eye…but always know that, no matter what he says, he is only returning again and again (via text, phone call, letter, email, or in person) to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you.

      We will be thinking of you and rooting for you, girlfriend. You are not alone – always remember that. Keep reading the articles and comments here as well as those on similar sites to stay educated and in tune with the N’s tactics. Knowledge is power!

      PLEASE keep me updated…write soon and any time you feel the need!

      Zari xxoo

      • I will for sure review your book on Amazon!! Thank you so much for your support it is so needed and gives me such a boost! Because I have such weak moment with him. I know better, I know logically when he is trying to goad me & playing his games & yet I still fall right into it & give him the exact reaction he wants. I did it just last night & was so mad at myself today for it. I have so much anger & resentment towards him & even towards his latest girlfriend, the one he moved right out of state for….. And while my logic side knows that all she is is another play toy for him & he will do to her what he has done to me (and I am sure so many others while even being married to me) I just can’t seem to move beyond my resentments towards her, I find that I let my thoughts get the best of me sometimes thinking about how they are probably getting out & going on fun dates, how he is probably spoiling her with attention, time & “love”, sweeping her totally off her feet & I am left here with my heart destroyed & I think bitch that’s MY husband you are with. Even when home with us & not deployed he made me feel as though he was embarrassed of us, a family outing would consist of us food shopping or doing quick errands, he would forget to tell me about shop functions & I would end up being the only wife that didn’t go & of course he would go without me. He would do anything & everything on his own promising we would do something together as a family so we would sit around waiting & waiting for him to come home & when he did, if he returned at a decent hour he wouldn’t feel like it any more. I spent more time at the balls sitting by myself then on the arm of my husband like the other wives, where he had disappeared to I don’t know. I couldn’t fathom how someone who was once so proud to “show me off” could now be so ashamed of me… But as time went on i began to realize we didn’t do things publicly because he was ashamed of me or our daughter, but because he couldn’t risk getting seen with us by any of the other females he spewed his bullshit to & get caught. And yet the sad thing is even though I am so angry at the latest bag of trash & resentful of the time & attention she is getting from him, it isn’t even that I want him, not after what he has done to me, what he has done to our daughter. The pain he has caused over & over again. I think that maybe it is the idea of what I kept holding on for with him, to have it be how it was in the beginning, how I am sure he is with her. After he left the first time & I started putting the puzzle pieces together & would confront him with bits & pieces of what I knew just hoping he would tell the truth to me so that I could say see he is being honest now, so that there would be some glimmer of hope he would let me down every single time & yet I would buy into his crap & be willing to try things & every time end up in the exact same destroyed place… And sometimes even worse than the last time. He would never admit to ANYTHING!!! No matter what sliver of proof I put in front of him. Since he for a short time was on my cell phone plan, after he left I requested the text logs, almost 8000 texts sent & received in less than a 35 day time span. I looked up a whole hell of a lot of numbers and with the exception of like 5 people the rest were ALL girls he was talking to. 5000 of those were between him & the trash bag he left me for, the one he was just “friends” with & then there were about 8-10 more girls he was just constantly texting, all hours of the day & night. And when I confronted him about how someone could have 8000 texts sent & received in that short amount of time & 5000 belonging to the named bag of trash he would either gloss over it & act like he had no idea what I was talking about or he would FLIP the fuck out on me & accuse me of lying about it & an array of other insane accusations. But never once from him was there even a shred of honesty. And yet instead of just realizing how toxic he was for myself & our little girl I let him continue to chip away at me & every time I thought he could possibly stoop any lower he would find a new low…. And then would promptly turn around & tell me I did it to myself, I deserved it & I caused it. In fact his most favorite thing to say these days is that I didn’t care about our marriage, I didn’t fight for it & I let it die, I let him walk away… The sick thing is I think he really has maybe convinced himself of that, my friends, my mom will tell me don’t you dare let him think that what more could you have done because I am sure they hear the doubt in my voice or the doubting look on my face when I tell them his latest antics… Because that’s what he has done to me over the years all the negative, brutal vile things he would tell me over & over again about myself I started to believe & while I have started to get back a little of my old self there is still his voice inside my head repeating all of his hate filled words & making me doubt myself, my sanity. I don’t know who wants to bitch slap me more sometimes my friends & family or my common sense…. But the pain my daughter is going through, watching him break her heart time & time again, knowing that he uses a 4 1/2 year old as an excuse to talk to me or worse use her as a vindictive tool is what drives me to end this bullshit. I took a HUGE step a couple of weeks ago, one he doesn’t know about or is expecting, but he will find out soon enough…. It is something I am proud of, is what is best for my daughter & myself & will share soon (and nothing illegal as temping as it may be!!!) I think one of the hardest things has been learning to let go, let go of him because of who he really is, let go of who he pretended to be to me (and continues to pretend to be to many others), of wanting to be a family, our family, letting go of the want to fix things, fix us, fix him. Letting go that he can’t be fixed. And almost hardest of all is learning to let go of the anger, the resentment & embracing the fact that I am free to be myself again….. Sure I am getting stronger little by little but sometimes I feel with every step I take forward there are times he pulls me 3 steps back…..

      • Wow….Look, girlfriend, after your first post the other day, your story reminded me so much of my own relationship (from the books) that I wrote a post on your behalf. Please read it here because you will say “Oh my God…that’s him…that’s us”. And your post right now…it breaks my heart and I have so much to say about it. But right now it is 4am Tucson time and I have to sleep before a 9:00am apt. I will be back here this afternoon and will respond to the issues you discuss in this post. You are not the crazy one, girl, and you never were. Also, watch my video trailer for the book because you will relate to that as well. This guy is the epitome of a narcissist and he will never ever change. Not for you, not for your daughter, and not for this woman. And, in as much as you hate her and resent her, you have to know that she is living in a reality that he created and she only knows what he has told her – lies. He doesn’t love her, care for her, and never will. He may already be cheating on her or getting things in line “just in case”. This is his life and the only way that he’ll ever care to live it. If she isn’t feeling like a victim already, she will be shortly. I have no doubt the honeymoon phase is over now that he has moved. As much as you want to rage at her, she is only now beginning to see the truth and it will get worse. As hard as it is, do not concern yourself with their relationship. Do not fantasize and make yourself suffer over what they are doing because it’s all a fabrication. Narcissists do NOT settle down…do NOT feel love…do not tolerate normal humans. Better her than you…

        Oh…must lay down….I will write more this afternoon….do me a favor, if he calls today, ignore the call. Take a day off from his nonsense and do something for yourself and your daughter…just the two of you. Talk to you soon…..xxoo

      • Wow….are you sure you’re not married to my ex-boyfriend? lol It’s shocking, it really is. I used to say “How come you get to play by a completely different set of rules than everyone else?” It got to the point that I would just shut-up and basically be silent with a thousand thoughts/questions running through my head all the time. I’d be doing my things around the apartment thinking, thinking, thinking, imagining what I would say if I could say it. Everything I never got the whole truth about…I’d think about all of it every day while new scenarios/suspicions got piled on. Nothing was ever resolved.

        And then, without fail, this conversation would happen:

        W: Why are you so quiet, Zari What’s going on? What’s on your mind?
        Me: Nothing. I don’t want to go there, really.
        W: I know it’s something. Just say it. You’re just going to sit there and be quiet all night?
        Me: If I tell you what’s on my mind, it turns into a fight. Every time.
        W: Will you stop that. Come on…just tell me what’s up. You make things so much more complicated than they need to be. I’m really just a simple man. I don’t even think like that.
        Me: Okay..fine. The other day…when you said you were at Chuck’s…I know you weren’t there. And you just never called. You just blew me off. Sky (my son) was waiting for you too. And your phone was off….
        W: Oh here we go…and now the bullshit starts..
        Me: You TOLD me to tell you…did you or did you not just tell me to say what was on my mind? I’m just saying…if nothing is a big deal than why lie…
        W: Oh now I’m a liar. I knew I shouldn’t have come over…Bitch, bitch, bitch…You’re not my fucking mother. It’s no wonder I turn my phone off.
        Me: But where were you then?
        W: You know what? You’re a control freak. Fuck you.

        ….and so forth until I would cry with my fingers in my ears and he’d be hovering over me literally harassing me, lecturing me, into submission. Craziness…day after day. This is why we end up either acting like a lunatic, giving them the reaction they want…or we become absolutely silent.

        I could write those conversations verbatim all day long. His words are forever burned in my brain as if it happened yesterday – but, thank God, I never shed a tear over it anymore. And either will you. Writing is the best way to get it all out. Write, write, write until you can’t write anymore. It’s completely natural – and justified – for you to feel everything you feel…even for missing the bastard despite his evilness. You’ve got to work through it piece by piece and the level of betrayal makes the recovery fairly complex.

        This is another exercise that for some reason didn’t make the book but I think it would really help you and all the others that come here and are able to express themselves so nicely via writing: Buy one notebook to use for answering this same question at 3 specific times each day: How do I feel right now? The key is to try to do it at or as close to the same times each day and watch how your thought process and mindset change from day to day and from time to time. It can be just a couple to three paragraphs at each of the three sittings, describing your mood, what’s on your mind, specifc things you’re thinking about right then or even if your not thinking about anything at all related to HIM. Over time, you’ll notice a pain pattern and be able to work on the issues about the break-up or discard that are obviously the biggest obstacles. You may even notice that you have really good days as well (such as a whole day where you didn’t cry actual tears).

        This guy really made a mess of things and you deserve to be mad. It’s hard to accept that it is what it is. Situations are always the most painful when they aren’t fixable. I think I can speak for most of us when I say that finding out our partner was a narcissist wasn’t half as heart-breaking as the realization that nothing we could ever do or say – and, for that matter, nothing anyone else could do or say – was ever going to change it. That is the moment that is the end-all.

        Stay strong…..

        Zari xxo

  3. update, she just texted me and said she doesn’t have lung cancer, that it’s allergies…she didn’t mention ANYTHING about her text I sent back to her. I ignored her text, not going to communicate with her anymore, if she calls I’ll let voicemail get it…I have to tell myself that talking to her is like I’m talking to ed ..i’ll follow the no contact rule, let them both have one another, they’re both liars and wack jobs

    • You wrote…I have to tell myself that talking to her is like I’m talking to ed ..i’ll follow the no contact rule, let them both have one another, they’re both liars and wack jobs

      Cheryl, you are doing awesome! I mean that from the bottom of my heart…You’re on a roll, girl!

  4. I honestly don’t know how to block her from calling or texting me. I wasn’t invited over for dinner that night, it was 11 o’clock when I went over there, he was drunk when I got there and she had been drinking too but I wouldn’t say she was drunk. I don’t understand why she sent me that text message saying she was living in a shelter home, and couldn’t make rent ok, it was bullshit, I know that now…as for sending a text to me when it was meant for someone else, I have done that before accidently so it is possible that is what happened. As for last nights phone call, she was in tears, worried she may have lung cancer…why would she cry if it’s all bullshit? I don’t believe she and ed are talking and are bullying me…yeah, I could be wrong but I figure if that is the case, the truth will come out in time. SHe mentioned to me in an e-mail on facebook the other day that she doesn’t want to date anymore, that Ed had “did her in”. Once in a while she will e-mail me facebook but we are no longer facebook friends. I did catch her in another lie,she told me on valentines day that her and her boyfriend broke up 2 months ago…on January 25th I sent her an e-mail just to say hi and she wrote back saying her and her boyfriend are doing great and are thinking of getting a house together. So, they couldn’t have been broken up for 2 months, it doesn’t add up right. She mentioned something about ed possibly having a new cell phone when I told her he hasn’t called me or texted me…I wish I could remember exactly how she worded it…it gave me the impression she knows for a fact he has a new phone so maybe you are right, maybe they have been in contact with each other, maybe I’m a fool for listening to her. I think I will tell her I am dating a man I recently met on match,com…if in fact she is in cahoots with ed, let them both think I’m dating. Of course, if they knoiw about this website I’m fucked…that thought has crossed my mind.

    • I was actually going to suggest that you somehow get the message out that you are dating….I agree that you should do it. Good for you for thinking of that. And, no, I honestly do not believe that they know about the website and here’s why…I check the stats every day to see what search terms people use to get to my website. The analytical data that I look at is very detailed. I would know if your name or your name and ed’s combined or something that would lead me to believe someone was searching specifically for you was happening. I also know what pages people look, read, and land on using their search terms and I did a check tonight for your post pages and there is nothing. I do this so that I can notify posters if this kind of intrusion was taking place and so far we are all good. My name has been searched of course and my ex-narc’s name has been searched several times but I expect that since I have put my name out there. I promise that I will let you know if I see anything suspicious. In the meantime, you are welcome to change your name to whatever you like (just let me know so I know it’s you! lol) but I really think your okay as far as that goes.

      I honestly think this girl is just fishing for information and is getting caught up in her own lies/fibs..whatever you want to call her un-truths. Nothing she is saying makes sense. I’m, of course, sorry if she really thinks she has lung cancer but why didn’t she mention that on Valentine’s Day? I’m just sayin. It’s a little odd to have a full-blown crying fit about it just three days later. And I don’t blame you at all for listening. When someone is crying, what else can you do but offer an ear? Maybe I’m the one being cynical but I’m really just looking out for you and I don’t trust her motives. I know you know what’s what and will do what you think is right. I just hope she doesn’t make her little intrusions into your life a regular thing, that’s all….:)

      • I decided to lie last night and give Helen a taste of her own medicine since she lies to ME all the time. I decided to send her a text and I said ” ed texted me…I guess he still wants to be friends :)” she replied back saying “No surprise there, tell him I said hello “. So it looks like she hasn’t been communicating with him..I told my sister that and she said she could be playing along, because she’s just like Ed, she plays a lot of games.what do you think? I’ll wait to see if she contacts me again and if she does, then I will tell her I am dating someone I met from match.com

      • Cheryl, I thought the idea was to end these shenanigans, not to encourage them. Now you’re playing games with her just like we suspect she is doing with you. What response are you waiting for? What happened to giving her the silent treatment? I don’t know what to say anymore about this part of the situation and I don’t want to encourage game-playing because that’s not what I’m about or this website or my books and doing so, on my part, would be hypocritical.

        At this stage of the game, while we’re trying to recover or move on with life, we have to really be aware of our intention in almost everything we do. It’s easy to get side-swiped by things like communicating with people who are connected to the N or doing drive-bys or what have you. I plan on writing an article about this soon for the site because I see it happening here and there and I’m guilty of it myself.

        One reader who had been dealing with a an N for years and finally escaped with her sanity said to me this regarding doing things that lead to or have something to do with the ex…”Whenever I find myself wanting to get even or play a game or do something that somehow still keeps me connected to the N (whether he knows it or not), I have to ask myself just how far down the rabbit hole I really want to go.” In other words, is it really worth whatever repercussion may potentially come from it?

        It doesn’t take much to set us way back.

      • you’re right, it was dumb of me to text her, I just wanted to see how shed react. I haven’t texted her since and I don’t plan on it, she answered my question and curiousity, Iim convinced he hasn’t contacted her and she was pushing info outta me to see if he’s contacted me. I used to think ed would contact me again but i’m positive he is gone for good, just my gut feeling. and I doubt hes dating anyone…his sister he lives with doesn’t like me and i’m fairly certain she is the reason why he doesn’t talk to me anymore. thanks for listening

      • I don’t think for a minute you were “dumb” for texting her. It’s was a normal reaction to a complicated situation. However, sometimes – and especially when we’re trying to move on from something or someone that hurts us – we have to stop ourselves from doing or responding to things that will encourage communication or contact with those who do not have our best interest at heart. It’s all about living and learning as we go along and we can only do the best we can. You’re doing great…no worries!

      • She called me tonight around 7:30, I didn’t answer it, she left no voicemail message. She either found out I lied about ed texting me or she was calling hoping to hear some juicy gossip about ed. I hope she takes the hint cuz I didn’t call her back. We aren’t friends and she really has no business in calling me

      • she called me AGAIN this afternoon…she hung up before my voicemail came on…I wish she’d leave a message, if shes not talking to ed, she’s going crazy with thinking I am talking to him…she may be even jealous wondering why he hasn’t contacted her. I think if she knew I lied about hearing from ed, she’d leave a message and call me out on it. I know she’s obsessed with him…why else does she drive by his apartment to see if he’s home…she is probably thinking I told ed she said Hi and is wondering why he hasn’t reached out to her, just my guess. I hope she stops calling me and takes the hint…I’ll keep on ignoring her cuz if I talk to her, I might as well be talking to ed…they’re both HUGE liars.

      • If you really want the last word, you need to block her number. More importantly, blocking her number saves you from this ridiculous game she’s playing that is taking up your time. I know you said you don’t know how to block a number but it’s very easy. Tell me who your cell service provider is and I’ll get you the instructions.

      • Been there done that. It’s really tempting to keep playing the game. Problem is with a Narc the only way to win the game is to play “keep away” Every encounter with them or the ilk associated with them keeps your head in the game and hurts with the moving on process.