Although narcissists are famous for lacking a moral compass and the ability to show true human emotion, it’s their ability to understand it all that amazes me. In this article, Part 2 of my series on a narcissism and compartmentalization, I’m going to give you my theory on how a narcissist (or sociopath) actually does it…how he or she can actually do what they do, walking in and out of compartments continually fucking with the lives of those who love them. Again, this is my theory on it and I’m no expert but you will see that it makes sense.
Now, as strange as it sounds, a narcissist’s understanding of emotion is beyond even our own, believe me. Understanding what makes others tick allows narcissists to be a pretender extraordinaire and the future-faking emotional chameleon that eventually gets him/her the desired end result from another person. Combine this with compartmentalization and the narcissist creates his own perfect storm of trickery that can fool even the best of us.
In Part 1, I explained the psychological tactic of compartmentalization and how the narcissist uses it to keep all important relationships separated so that one either never finds out about the other or is incapable of ever gathering the evidence to validate suspicions that they do have. Compartmentalizing is how an N is able to subject partners to silent treatments over and over, all the while feeling perfecting confident that these partners will remain in the queue until his return. I likened the narcissist’s brain to an empty building filled with separate rooms (or compartments) where he keeps the different scenarios of his life under lock and key. Assuming the appropriate personality for each scenario, he simply slithers in and out of these rooms, trauma bonding the occupants to the point that no one knows what the hell is going on (except the N, of course) until it is way too late.
So, how does the narcissist do it? Is he just a pathological liar? Is it really possible that this person we love can have absolutely no problem living this Lie? How does a person just walk away from a long-term partner, historically rejecting years and years of a relationship as if it meant nothing at all? Well, here’s how I see it……
[NOTE: this goes for the female narcissist as well]
Once upon a time, the narcissist, even before he started creating his compartments, had to get a handle on his emotions. Whether this meant learning how to use the few that he did have (anger, rudeness, nothingness…) or learning to mimic those that he knew could get him what he wanted, he had to figure out a way to stay on top of the game so he could, in essence, keep playing for as long as he wanted. (Don’t forget…it’s all about the game here!) To do this, he decided that all emotions, aside from what his fakery made it look like, should, to him, feel the same. By this, he meant that everything and everybody in his life will exist on the same emotional plane. To the narcissist, no one person or situation or relationship or scenario will be any more important than the next and the level of importance allocated to all will be, of course, minimal. Why? Because “minimal” is comfortable to a narcissist as it relates to anything and especially as it relates to how he has to interact with the outside world. Of course, the outside world will be none the wiser because what the narcissist does have is an innate ability to deceive and to also read – like a book – the weaknesses and boundary points of anyone he becomes involved with. And these abilities, combined with the inability to feel true human emotion, then becomes is highly advantageous because it allows the N to have the calm wherewithal to figure out what he has to do to get what he wants. Basically, if he makes the most of what he’s got, he can go through life not giving a fuck about anything and still have a helluva good time! And so this is what he did.
The bottom line is that you mean no more to the N than anyone else in his life and you never did. You, his boss, his buddy, his job, his family as a whole and individually, his children, his co-workers, and even the check-out girl who rang out his groceries this morning all mean exactly the same to a narcissist. Everything and everyone (even you) serves a purpose and if, by chance, you stop serving that purpose, he’ll just find someone else to serve it or he’ll simply stop needing it. It ain’t nothing but a thing!
This is why narcissist can quit or switch jobs at the drop of a hat or walk out on his/her children feeling no guilt at all or change cell phone numbers with every deafening silence or talk nasty about you all over town when you did nothing or flash his new girl all over Facebook or leave a marriage after 20 years without saying a word or stop talking to family members or cheat on you even though you have great sex or make promises only to break them every time or future-fake a wedding engagement or vacation two days before he disappears or seduce and discard you over and over and over no matter how much you cry or beg him to love you and not to do it and to see the error of his ways. This is how he can walk in and out of compartments, fooling the occupants while having the time of his life.
Leveling the emotional playing field for any and all relationships and then sticking the humans attached to those relationships in little compartments so that they never learn about each other is what the narcissist’s relationship agenda is all about! The narcissist never hates or loves or likes you any more or less than he hates, love, or likes the stranger who stood next to him in an elevator this morning. When we view the relationship with the narcissist from this perspective, we can get a better understanding of why it ends in the callous way that it does and we can then take the pain a lot less personally. You, my friend, were never the problem.
This is only my theoretical opinion, of course, but if you think about it, it will connect the dots and make perfect sense.
erin vales
July 21, 2016 at 5:24 pmI met this man and felt he was always hideing his personality. He had all the behaviors of a narcissist. He compartalized everything and he had inside rage when he was provoked. He always appear to friends he was happy go lucky. But his personality was very dark. I am a nurse and at first he even fooled me. I have never met an narcissist before and pray to god is never will again. They are very charming but be ware!!!!!!!!
Anonymous
August 2, 2015 at 11:22 amZari,
Compartmentalization, what a Great Description! I read 3 of you articles today, & I broke No Contact last night, by going to my older email acct. because I was wanting to erase the N’s name from my contact list as the final step to Recovery. I Thought I had Blocked him from email, but apparently I must have unblocked him or something a while ago. I went to my acct, and BOOM, saw 2 emails from him. I knew I didn’t even Need to Ask myself if I Should read them, because ilthe answer would be a “No.” But, I relapsed & read them. N said he lost my # after a virus hit his phone. I have changed my # a lot in an attempt to do No Contact, so after I texted him, and let out a lot of stuff, confronting, not mushy. We talked on the phone, but I am on guard. And, even though this quote is from a different article from you, I have to say it Literally Saved me. You wrote, ” Whether or not I can say without a doubt that the person I love right now has my back no matter what the circumstance…” I Immediately sent that quote to him, & said ,”This is what I’m looking for in a partner, & is the “qualifying” factor. I guess you have to decide whether you would want to be this person to me or not. Because I know what I want, and life is short, we have to see if we are “compatible” with this. And, if what makes me happy is what mak es you happy.” Zari, you made me BRAVE! I have never articulated to any partner before, N or not, exactly what I want. I never saw it written out so “clearly” before. This is not about his response, it’s about me. He now knows that I know exactly what I want, and this will determine whether “he qualifies for me, not vice versa.” This changed the entire gsme, because even if he lies and says yes, & future fakes, he knows now that I am measuring him. I feel the Most Bold, Beautiful, & Proud of myself I ever have in maybe a lifetime. Thank you Zari! May God bless the work you are doing for. N Abuse Survivors like me. You helped Change my life by your Insight! Sorry this is so long.
Rose
May 28, 2015 at 12:03 pmamazing post…I think your last comments were brilliant. Thank you for sharing.!-
The narcissist never hates or loves or likes you any more or less than he hates, love, or likes the stranger who stood next to him in an elevator this morning. When we view the relationship with the narcissist from this perspective, we can get a better understanding of why it ends in the callous way that it does and we can then take the pain a lot less personally. You, my friend, were never the problem.
Zari Ballard
June 5, 2015 at 5:27 pmHi Rose,
Thank you and I once I realized that fact – that I was no more important than the next person or the person before or the stranger he glanced at in the check-out line – my entire perspective of my relationship changed. It was like a revelation that set me free, I swear to God. I probably need to write more about that because it truly is key to separating from madness once and for all:)
Zari xo
RW
October 25, 2015 at 8:00 pmYes, please do write more on this topic! Understanding the “level playing field” aspect has been the key to my healing as well, once I understood that there was nothing I ever could have done differently to change the outcome. It makes more sense out of the lingering confusion that has been so difficult to process, and also helps me to maintain a strict NC. Thank you for this article.
Zari Ballard
October 27, 2015 at 4:15 amThanks RW…You read my mind because I have been thinking about writing more about this. Realizing that I was just one of many and as UNIMPORTANT as the next was pivotal in that it freed me from having to always try to be better than whoever I thought he was with or wanted to be with. Like you said, when I realized I couldn’t ever change the results…when that SUNK IN..recovery was right around the corner (and we hadn’t even split up yet). The acceptance of this fact is so important and working toward it can start at any time for ANYBODY.
I’ll write more about it and thanks for confirming the message!
Zari xo
Naomi
May 18, 2015 at 11:57 amThis is one of the main aspects of life with a narcissist that I have so much trouble explaining to the friends who saw me through the good times, the bad times, and on to recovery. I found your site on a day when I had a little debris to clean up (which, as you know, can happen for years afterwards) and just wanted to say thank you, because articles like this totally nail it. Also thanks for posting some of your past conversations (aaaaaagh, the frustration!) – they’re excellent reminders of why NC is the way to peace and happiness.
Zari Ballard
May 20, 2015 at 4:59 pmHi Naomi,
Thank you for the kind words and I’m grateful to be able to help in any way that I can. The way I see it, we’ve all got to stick together because there isn’t a single soul other than those who’ve experienced it who will ever understand. hence, my reason for writing the books and creating this website:)
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Zari Ballard
May 30, 2015 at 7:06 pmHi Naomi,
Thank you for the kind words! Reminding everyone is what my mission is all about so I’m glad it’s working! Continue on to peace and happiness….:)
Zari xo
Sabri
May 13, 2015 at 10:44 amThank you Zari & Pamala…
I really appreciate your feedback…I do apologize me asking a question over n over again. I guess its my way of dealing w/it. I have not contacted me or evern tried to reach him in any way. It just surprised me that he unblocked me but I am proud to say (yes it took me a few days) I deleted that act. I am not trying to find him any way…I am trying my best to move on.
I am seeing my therapist n I have a great group of friends who I can lean on. I have been thru allot when I was younger n I am trying to learn thru it n better myself…step by step. But every morning I get up w/this nagging feeling that I deserve this treatment…I deserved to be called a horrible mom, I deserve to be called stupid, ugly, I have a beautiful skin complexion n for him to say do you have to turn on the light when entering a room cause I am dark (its what I heard over n over again from my mom’s side of family for years…cause I took on my dad’s skin color not my mom who is fair), for him to call me a terrorist (cause of my religion…God which I don’t even practice…if I did I would do what I did to my husband), for him to say over n over again every single name in the book cause I was different. I treated him so good…I treated him w/so much respect….I wish you knew how good I was to him n its why I keep going back to the blame it was me…I deserve those names cause what I was doing to my husband at the time, I felt I deserve to be treated like dirt cause I was a horrible woman.
I was molested when I was young by my uncle…I made a mistake n told him that. One of the last thing he said to me was you deserved what happened to you…you are a slut (how can I be a slut when I have only been w/3 men in my life including him), a whore. no one deserved that pain…I wouldn’t wish my pain on my worst worst enemy.
I am trying my best to work thru this…n I never ever wrote anything what has happened to me in the past n w/this guy. Honest truth…cause I was too embarrssed. Writing something down is like the truth coming out. That is why I am so grateful for this site. I am writing not only telling you but trying to tell myself that all this really happened.
I am looking for validation outward instead of looking inward (which I am working thru w/my therapist). All these women on here who went thru soooo much for soooo many years w/these N…I should be grateful everyday…mine was just a fling n I hope to god it has faded away.
I am far from being strong…I am far from healing n each day I take it as a blessing. I was just asking if he will contact me cause I am not strong enough yet. Not playing games Pamala…just trying to get some sort of insight as to why me. I am not strong enough yet…n I don’t want to like many, many of women on here including you Zari who has taken these N back. I DON’T WANT TO! I want to be strong n I was just asking if he will contact me cause I am not there yet but hopefully in time I will be…
Thank you again Zari…for all your advice. You have no idea how grateful n thankful I am. You mentioned consulting…what do you mean by that? Is there a way I can reach you.
Sabri
May 12, 2015 at 1:46 pmI also have another question…my head keeps going back (especially in the morning), maybe he wasn’t an N. Maybe he had a right to treat me this way (degrading me, calling me names) cause I was married when I first met him. He treated me horribly cause I was of no value..I wasn’t single and he is prolly treating the girl he is with now much better cause she is younger and single. Maybe that is why he treated me horribly even though for 10mths I tried my best making up for my mistake (by putting him up on a pedestal, buying him things, just positive words ALWAYS to him).
What do you think Zari..do you think that is the case he treated me horribly?
Just wondering…
Zari Ballard
May 12, 2015 at 8:29 pmHi Sabri,
Please go over all of my responses to you because in one of them I know that I said please don’t start thinking that he had a right to treat you this way because of your situation. This guy is a complete loser – a jerk, an asshole, whatever you want to call him. As for you being of no value to him, you sure were of value when he was accepting the gifts! Do NOT turn this around so that you are feeling beaten down. As I said before, there are a couple of things happening here. The fact is that you ARE married so if he was treating you especially bad because of that, what difference could it possibly make, do you know what I mean? He knew exactly what was happening and he used it against you in a very mean way. I’m telling you, this guy is a con man. Please do not think that there is a single thing you could have done – even getting divorced – that would have changed his behavior.
I understand that this is hard and I do hope that you consider a consultation with me because the situation is complicated. I want to help you as best I can and I’m concerned that communicating via this way is not helping you to understand. Maybe I’m wrong but I do see that you’re still wondering the same things and feeling confused about it. No matter what you could have done, he would have still done what he did. And he will continue to do it to every girl he meets because this is what he does. I am right about this, trust me.
Stay strong, sister!
zari xo
Sabri
May 8, 2015 at 1:21 pmThank you so much Zari…your words mean so much to me. I am going crazy wondering if the guy I was dealing with is a N or not. So you really think he is???? I am wondering cause I don’t know if I am trying to put a label on him but everything I have told you is exactly how it happened n how he has ALWAYS treated me.
I am proud to say….that I deleted that act from that site. It was so hard…n I cried becuz I was cutting the only contact I had w/him. ITS SO HARD ZARI!! It’s so painful…I get up in the morning wondering how happy he must be w/his new love, about all the wonderful things he might be telling her that he never told me, I am so hurt. I was so good to him Zari…I treated him so kindly…told him everyday how proud I was of him, how I thought he was my hero (cause he was in the military), n each n everytime I said something nice…he would insult me for the way I looked, my religion everything.
I am not strong yet Zari…far from it since he took so much from me. I am being hearing from my friends n my therapist that he will be back…n I have been reading blogs after blogs about how they come back to get their fix. I know you have been thru this heartache n read n helped soooo many ppl thru this…I would like to know your opnion. Do you think he will be back? I am so scared that I won’t be strong n I am trying everyday.
Again I would appreciate your feedback Zari…n you are AWESOME!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP!