Although narcissists are famous for lacking a moral compass and the ability to show true human emotion, it’s their ability to understand it all that amazes me. In this article, Part 2 of my series on a narcissism and compartmentalization, I’m going to give you my theory on how a narcissist (or sociopath) actually does it…how he or she can actually do what they do, walking in and out of compartments continually fucking with the lives of those who love them. Again, this is my theory on it and I’m no expert but you will see that it makes sense.
Now, as strange as it sounds, a narcissist’s understanding of emotion is beyond even our own, believe me. Understanding what makes others tick allows narcissists to be a pretender extraordinaire and the future-faking emotional chameleon that eventually gets him/her the desired end result from another person. Combine this with compartmentalization and the narcissist creates his own perfect storm of trickery that can fool even the best of us.
In Part 1, I explained the psychological tactic of compartmentalization and how the narcissist uses it to keep all important relationships separated so that one either never finds out about the other or is incapable of ever gathering the evidence to validate suspicions that they do have. Compartmentalizing is how an N is able to subject partners to silent treatments over and over, all the while feeling perfecting confident that these partners will remain in the queue until his return. I likened the narcissist’s brain to an empty building filled with separate rooms (or compartments) where he keeps the different scenarios of his life under lock and key. Assuming the appropriate personality for each scenario, he simply slithers in and out of these rooms, trauma bonding the occupants to the point that no one knows what the hell is going on (except the N, of course) until it is way too late.
So, how does the narcissist do it? Is he just a pathological liar? Is it really possible that this person we love can have absolutely no problem living this Lie? How does a person just walk away from a long-term partner, historically rejecting years and years of a relationship as if it meant nothing at all? Well, here’s how I see it……
[NOTE: this goes for the female narcissist as well]
Once upon a time, the narcissist, even before he started creating his compartments, had to get a handle on his emotions. Whether this meant learning how to use the few that he did have (anger, rudeness, nothingness…) or learning to mimic those that he knew could get him what he wanted, he had to figure out a way to stay on top of the game so he could, in essence, keep playing for as long as he wanted. (Don’t forget…it’s all about the game here!) To do this, he decided that all emotions, aside from what his fakery made it look like, should, to him, feel the same. By this, he meant that everything and everybody in his life will exist on the same emotional plane. To the narcissist, no one person or situation or relationship or scenario will be any more important than the next and the level of importance allocated to all will be, of course, minimal. Why? Because “minimal” is comfortable to a narcissist as it relates to anything and especially as it relates to how he has to interact with the outside world. Of course, the outside world will be none the wiser because what the narcissist does have is an innate ability to deceive and to also read – like a book – the weaknesses and boundary points of anyone he becomes involved with. And these abilities, combined with the inability to feel true human emotion, then becomes is highly advantageous because it allows the N to have the calm wherewithal to figure out what he has to do to get what he wants. Basically, if he makes the most of what he’s got, he can go through life not giving a fuck about anything and still have a helluva good time! And so this is what he did.
The bottom line is that you mean no more to the N than anyone else in his life and you never did. You, his boss, his buddy, his job, his family as a whole and individually, his children, his co-workers, and even the check-out girl who rang out his groceries this morning all mean exactly the same to a narcissist. Everything and everyone (even you) serves a purpose and if, by chance, you stop serving that purpose, he’ll just find someone else to serve it or he’ll simply stop needing it. It ain’t nothing but a thing!
This is why narcissist can quit or switch jobs at the drop of a hat or walk out on his/her children feeling no guilt at all or change cell phone numbers with every deafening silence or talk nasty about you all over town when you did nothing or flash his new girl all over Facebook or leave a marriage after 20 years without saying a word or stop talking to family members or cheat on you even though you have great sex or make promises only to break them every time or future-fake a wedding engagement or vacation two days before he disappears or seduce and discard you over and over and over no matter how much you cry or beg him to love you and not to do it and to see the error of his ways. This is how he can walk in and out of compartments, fooling the occupants while having the time of his life.
Leveling the emotional playing field for any and all relationships and then sticking the humans attached to those relationships in little compartments so that they never learn about each other is what the narcissist’s relationship agenda is all about! The narcissist never hates or loves or likes you any more or less than he hates, love, or likes the stranger who stood next to him in an elevator this morning. When we view the relationship with the narcissist from this perspective, we can get a better understanding of why it ends in the callous way that it does and we can then take the pain a lot less personally. You, my friend, were never the problem.
This is only my theoretical opinion, of course, but if you think about it, it will connect the dots and make perfect sense.
Cheryl L. Wheeler
July 14, 2019 at 11:48 amOMG! Your articles are excellent, I share them with all my network! Thank you!!! Cheryl
Zari Ballard
July 26, 2019 at 12:59 amThank you, Cheryl!
A. Kuchera
August 7, 2021 at 7:00 amJust wanted to say thank you. This article is sad but so enlightening.
Citrouille
November 10, 2018 at 12:33 pmKyle,
Forewarned is forearmed. My EX-brother is a malignant narcissist. He doesn’t work, because he took all of my SIL’s funds from her when she left him. (She wanted to escape him so badly that she surrendered her house and all of her savings — from smart investments and a CPA income — to him before he signed the divorce. [He physically abused her.]) He is now living on the $400,000 investment income he stole from my mother (before she died).
My theme is this : your ex’s wife may not be working now, but once she knows more facts about him, she can (1) start to make an escape plan to get her children and herself away from him ; (2) she can start investigating him to find his hidden assets (and unless he’s living paycheck-to-paycheck, very good odds he has hidden assets) ; and (3) she can start planning for an independent future, with the children, away from him, look for work, and find a good lawyer who will force him to pay child support.
Do her the kindness of giving her the truth. Damage him as much as you can.
Barb
August 6, 2018 at 4:42 pmHello Zari
I just got finished reading your book “Love is a lie” awesome read
I been narcissist free for all most 8 months.. I am also in no contact.. and no contact is no contact.
I been with my narcissist for two years and that was enuf for me. I related to your book and I also go through the missing mr pretend guy, but than my wires connect to remember the fake and the fraud who hurt me! { emotionally mentally spiritually financially and physically.. I’m like no! They hate the word no! Also the less you say to them. They can’t feed for supply. I been reading your blog for 7 months and reason I got up the nerve to write to you.. I wanted to say thank you for your blog. It helped a lot to figure what he is a predator that stalks women as me when the chips were down, and to learn from you what he is after I kicked him out is cheating, lying, narcissist! I thought he was just a bad bad person, but you have gave me insights that I just put now a label on him.. sure he Hoover’s me as nothing has happened.. I just laugh.. I don’t walk away I run away! I’m here to say I am a victim no more.. I am to free living my own life as best as I can. If his flying monkeys get off stalking me at work, or at home.. I give them no power also.. I am free, and I know how easily the narc got bored of me so will the flying monkeys.. thank you so much for passing it on..
Zari Ballard
September 17, 2018 at 3:26 pmHi Barb,
Hope you are surviving the flying monkeys! Stay strong and I’m glad you enjoyed the book:)…xo
Kyle
May 14, 2018 at 9:56 pmCan I please just tell you how much your part 1 and part 2 have helped me?! You hit everything on the head soooo well! When I keep second guessing things, I have this link saved and come back to it, and it helps me so much to understand that I am actually not the reason my last relationship failed, though he has the ability to throw that off on me so well.
I should say, at this point, that I am a man who recently ended a relationship with another man. He is actually married to his wife, has 3 children, and lives with them all. The story he told me to make me “OK” with this, is that he came out to his wife 5 years ago. He told me he lives in the basement, while his wife resides upstairs in the master bedroom. A situation occurred where they had to halt their divorce and work together for “awhile”… there are so many more details, I could write a response longer than your original articles giving his version of the “explanation of this.”
I could go on and on, and would love to connect with you via email to explain my story, so you could see how amazingly your article lines up with it. I truly feel like you must know this guy. Either that, or you are dead on regarding this personality disorder.
What I hate most about this disorder, is that it hurts the others, so much worse than it hurts the actual N.
The N never actually gets hurt. It’s so unfair. And I actually have all the ammunition I need to completet take this person to their knees (no pun intended). I actually think about doing that. Not to hurt him (though that might be the reason in the back of my head), but to save others from him. His wife is at risk of having to split custody with him, having to move from their home, many other things. She doesn’t work, as he has her right where he wants her. If I were to provide the proof necessary, she could have everything. But at the same time, if I did that, he may no longer be able to work and provide for them, as I know he would be devastated. Maybe the best thing is to leave it alone. But I know for a fact that he has unprotected sex outside of his marriage. Is it wrong for me to not make her aware?
I truly don’t know what the right thing to do I’m this situation is.
Kyle
Shachi
December 21, 2016 at 6:29 pmThanks for the content. It makes all sense. It will be easier to let go now. Thank you.
Zari Ballard
December 21, 2016 at 8:37 pmHi Shachi,
I’m grateful to be able to help:) Have an awesome holiday and plan a new year that is focused on YOU. Life is too short to have to put up with these fools.
Zari xo
Searching 4 Answers
August 25, 2016 at 10:53 pmHi. I went looking for information on emotional compartmentalising as that is what i had triaged my partner as having, and the source of most of my confusion / pain.
Admittedly, i am at the equally non-functional polar opposite of being often literally paralysed by being ignored, but I noticed it more so during times when she was either at work, weekends away with friends or just generally when not in my physical presence. And i must saybi have made the adjustment for ‘normal gaps of communication’.
Bottom line is that when we are together (relationship for 3yrs / living togther 2yrs) its wonderful, close, intimate: everything an ideal relationship can be, but I noticed early a clear distinction between myself, her friends, her relatives, her work etc. Each overlaps, but only sufficiently to avoid too clear a distinction.
I love her with all my heart, which is mostly worn to much in a small glass perforated container, attached to a tear soaked sleeve, but i guess the best description i have come up with, is that i feel that im being ‘managed’. Not in a demonstrably demanding way. Far from it. Its a gentle caressing management, where its oftern impossible to see the strings operating at the time, but its clear that a great deal if effort goes into telling me critically what i want to hear to keep things ticking along.
I am not angry at all anymore because i can also discern a complete lack of ill intent. It seems to be a function mechanism more than anything.
BuT… the problems have been escalating and i feel / fear that i must now be proactive abiut either helping her out, or moving on. THAT is the very last thing i want and will exhaust any and all other options, but to date i have let far too many things slide. Far to many things that transgress my own ethics and standards.
Anyway, i felt compelled to leave a message to say this, as well as wondering whether in the only male who seems to attract these types. I guess it also says alot about me and my part in providing supply to these types.
Im still hoping that love will be enough to perhaps right the ship