The only thing harder than breaking up/going No Contact with a narcissist is breaking up/going No Contact with a narc who also happens to be your baby daddy/momma. Based on the countless emails and comments that I receive from victims (both male AND female) who struggle to co-parent with a narcissist ex, it’s clear to me that there are no easy solutions. In fact, up until I began to write this post, I was beginning to fear that perhaps there were no solutions but this answer simply wasn’t acceptable to me. How am I supposed to help if there are no solutions? So, I gave the subject a good deal of thought and decided tom put a slightly different spin on this very unique co-parenting scenario. Ultimately, what I decided was that co-parenting with a narcissistic ex AND having a peaceful life can happen because it must and that the Agony of Defeat was not insurmountable.
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Can a Narcissist love his/her children?
This is the big question, of course, and I believe that the answer to that is ‘no’ – at least not in the way normal people love their children. In fact, it’s not even close. The truth is that a narcissist can no more love his or her children than he or she can love a partner, friend, family member, or anyone else. I’ve never seen it happen. I’ve never read about it happening. I’ve never heard about it happening. It’s just not possible. An N is an N is an N. If history showed that even the slightest possibility existed that narcissists could, in fact, love their own children, I’d be tempted to think that narcissism perhaps was fixable. But there is no history any where that does this…no history, that is, that is based in fact and not in wishful thinking. No, narcissists do not and can not ‘love’ their children.
Now, having said that, do not be misled into thinking that narcissists do not find their children useful under certain circumstances because…oh yeah…they most certainly do. In fact, the N who is a combination “ex-partner” and “co-parent” has the luxury of circulating, surviving, and thriving at levels of evil far beyond that of the typical narcissistic asshole. The narcissist co-parent is indeed a SuperPower in his own right! Yes, he/she who holds this coveted position is awarded the type of false entitlements that a single non-parent narcissist only dreams about. And for the victim partner who wants to get away, a break-up with this narcissist superpower appears too often to be a hopeless situation…a brand new narcissistic show of chaos that promises to be far more damaging than the first, second, and third. And, this time, it is the children who get bumped to the top of the N’s hit list.
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Is it possible to go No Contact with a narcissist co-parent?
No, not in the way that No Contact was originally intended. Victims who want/need the torture to stop but still have to deal with co-parenting issues are left to their own devices without a single one of the privileges that many other victims may take for granted. As a victim who co-parents, how do you block a phone number, move away, refuse to answer the door, blow off the in-laws, and so forth when children are involved? You can’t. How do you flat out refuse to communicate with a parent that the children (bless their hearts) have been duped into loving? How do you deal with the fact that the narcissist talks shit about you to the kids and you can’t even defend yourself (because you choose to do the right thing and stay quiet)?
Because the N is not a normal human, he/she is going to use the children as a narcissistic tactic and weapon of choice to cut you to the very bone. Since the N has no conscience, dragging the children into the dirt is nothing but a thing and the easiest way to hurt you. The N will use every excuse in the book pertaining to the children to intrude upon your new life. At some point, the narcissist may even threaten you – either with CPS or by saying that he simply won’t be bringing them back. Granted, the latter scenario isn’t likely because a typical N honestly can’t be bothered (but the thought is nonetheless horrifying since you know the boundaries that this person will cross both in court and out). Sadly, you will now have to watch the torture that was your relationship played out towards the children. Since the narcissist (again, male or female) can no longer Idolize, Devalue, & Discard you, he will turn his pathological relationship agenda upon the children. It’s likely he/she will make plans with the children and then not show up. The N may promise to call and then conveniently forget – for days, weeks, or longer. He/she may even miss holidays altogether, choosing instead to be with a “new” ‘victim’ family and partner. He will relish the thought that even now, with the relationship being over, he can still continue to torture you by torturing the children. And since the children, at least while they’re young, tend to love a narcissist parent unconditionally no matter how neglectful and indifferent he/she may be, the N ultimately gets nearly a life time to make sure you are never happy again!
So, what is the answer?
The answer, first, is to know that the relationship between you and the N is over. At this point, despite how he appears to others, you already know the type of parent that he really is and must proceed to use this information to (for once) serve your own purpose. How much time did the N really spend with the children anyway? Narcissists are historically not doting fathers and mothers or even participating fathers and mothers. Over and over, I hear stories of narcissists walking out just weeks after a child is born. Silent treatments!! Can you imagine that?? Silent treatments when there’s an infant and new mother at home? I hear about narcissists who walk out just days before Christmas, leaving the children with not the slightest idea where daddy went. This may not be exactly the case with your ex-N but I bet its close. Use this knowledge to your advantage. You are a good person. He is not.
As a co-parent with an N, you, too, must strive to be a SuperPower! You must develop thicker skin than you ever thought possible so that every nasty comment he throws your way rolls off your back. You must be able to take an emotional beating without anyone being the wiser. You have to learn to detach, detach, detach and commit, commit, commit to setting boundaries and making rules of engagement. Communication, if possible, should be limited to text, email, and the sporadic phone call…and it must only concern sensible/reasonable issues about the children (and, really, how many of those can there be that have to involve the N?). Above all else, do your best to react to nothing (the point of the N’s game, after all, is to make YOU the psycho co-parent) unless it’s life threatening to the children and even then pay no attention to him/her specifically.
Do not worry about and/or feed into the enormous amount of trash-talking going on behind your back. In fact, say nothing and simply observe, allowing the N to talk trash about mommy (or daddy) all day long if he/she wants to. Sit quietly on the sidelines while the pathetic narcissist digs his own parental grave – and he will dig it because he just won’t be able to help himself. Take comfort in the fact that children are strong, resilient, and smart. They will grow up one day and see the narcissist parent for what he/she is and you will come out the winner. The mask always slips and that’s a fact.
From co-parenting with a narcissist, nothing good ever comes… this we already know so where else can we really go but up? You must believe in your heart that no matter how hurtful the narcissist is or how evil his intention, you are still free! The relationship is over. You may now look upon the Narcissist as nothing more than an annoying sperm donor and treat him accordingly. He deserves nothing less, nothing more. For years, the narcissist has been methodically managing down your expectations...preparing for this very day….setting the stage for this break-up because he knew it would come…it had to come. The narcissist co-parent counts on the fact that his passive-aggressive conditioning of your responses to his words and behaviors has stuck and that you still fear what he could do, might do, will do. He counts on his control in this situation and your emotional fragility. The fact that he gets to use the kids against you is just an added bonus!
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Turn it around by having no more fear. It’s time to up the ante.
First, if the narcissist has a girlfriend, tell him you want to be communicative with her about the children. Now, the N will hate this but that’s too bad. Normal couples in normal break-ups speak to “the others” all the time. In fact, you should simply refuse to send the kids unless you at least get to speak to her on the phone for five detached minutes about Suzie’s sort throat. If you show that you’re willing and actually prefer to communicate with the OW, the N is likely to begin behaving immediately to ensure this never happens – and that’s fine too (it’s what we want). I’d be willing to bet that, within a short amount of time, the narcissist will begin to back out completely since the fun of making you suffer will have been taken out of the equation. Using this particular communication twist clearly sends a message to the N that says: I don’t care about you anymore.
Do not allow fear to keep you from being free. You have to let it all go (narcissist included). Do not let your emotions rule your actions. You can still initiate and implement your own version of No Contact with the narcissist co-parent. You can still move on with your life. Chances are high that if you show indifference, detachment, and a refusal to play the game on his terms in any way, the narcissist will do what he has always done and vanish anyway. The children will still grow up to be wonderful people. In the end, you – as the co-parenting ex victim – will be stronger than any of us who have embarked on this journey. Your decision to end it with the N despite the fact that you have children together will always be the right decision.
I tip my hat to you, sisters and brothers. It’s going to be a challenge but I know you can do it. Change your perspective and change your life. Do not let the N twist the rules of the game to serve his/her own purpose. Allow no more manipulation because that part of your life is over!! Don’t allow the co-parenting dilemma to become an excuse to stay connected with the N. Instead, beat the co-parent narcissist at his/her own game by playing by the rules. You can win. I know you can!
Carol
March 14, 2015 at 6:21 pmHi Zari! I’m just curious what you would say to the grown children of this type relationship. I’ve seen many posts for children of an N but my boys were young (3 and 7) when I left. He tried to use them to manipulate me but I was able to survive it and they are now 17 and 21. My oldest barely speaks to his dad because he didn’t show up at his high school graduation but the younger one still makes excuses for him. My oldest has realized Thierry dad is a liar but again, the younger isn’t ready to accept it. I have never told them how I feel about their dad. I didn’t even realize he was a narcissist until I was researching a crazy coworker who had masterfully kept two of us working closely with her, pitted against each other over the last 14 years. I realized through all of the information I was reading that my exhusband wasn’t just a jerk, there was an actual personality disorder named for it. Imagine my surprise. So, back to my question. I don’t think it would apply to them to read about living with a narcissistic parent but certainly about the neglect (?) or non acceptance or lack of interest not having anything to do with them personally. I don’t know if I should even bother to tell them that there is a name for what he has. Is that doing what I’ve avoided for years, in saying something negative about him? Perhaps only discussing it with my oldest who already has issues with him? He will be graduating from the community college soon and has mentioned that if his dad doesn’t show for that, that will be it for him. Your thoughts?
Alexander Bird
March 11, 2015 at 3:16 amYa I also forgot to mention the fact when ever i pick up Evelyn she now calls me Un Malo padre, which is Spanish for mean or bad dad as she hugs me. But what can I do but laugh because it just makes her even more mad he fact that our daughter tells me that as she runs over to give me a hug
Alexander Bird
March 11, 2015 at 3:08 amHi hows it going just checking in again. Things have been up and down. But alot of times I cant help but laugh at some of my exes games. Last night night showed up 20 minutes to the exchange she drove off and came back at the right time. For a wile she was calling me thirty minutes after I dropped my daughter off with her to scream at me that lasted about a month before she realized that I would not answer the phone. Now she drops my daughter off with no clothes to change her. My ex also sems mad at me because I took Evelyn to a wedding, claiming that she was too young, but wanted to know who I went with. On a positive note ive been going back and fourth to Miami on Job interviews with Miami PD and my Ex’s parents have been great baby sitters. i thiink that they are happy to see their granddaughter again. new line at the exchangis “you have a valid point ill take it into consideration.
Zari Ballard
March 14, 2015 at 9:17 pmHi Alex!
Thanks for checking in and – wow – she’s a textbook case, isn’t she? Complete game player. You are doing everything right, though, and just keep it up. Ignore the bad name because it will just go away (and plus, you’re daughter probably sees it as affectionate!!! HAHA!). Check it out – when my son was just TWO (and I was going through the same hell as you with his dad), my son would get mad at me about something (terrible two’s) and stomp his feet and scream “Fucking Bitch!!”. He had no clue what he was even saying but OBVIOUSLY this is what his dad would call me when they were together. Coming out of a two-year old’s mouth, it was pretty hysterical and anyone who was there had to turn away so that he wouldn’t see them laughing and think it was okay to say that. I completely ignored it and eventually it went just away. My son is such a good guy (my best friend) and when I remind him of that now (he’s 26), he cringes! It’s a shame that a co-parent would do that (talk crap about the other parent around the child) with no consideration for the child but look who we’re dealing with.
Congrats on the job interviews. Wow…Miami…that would be a tough area, no? But I’m sure you can handle it! You’re doing awesome, Alex! And thank you for the update…I love it and keep ’em coming:) Did I send you a copy of the new book in PDF? If I didn’t let me know and I will.
Zari xo
Ema
March 10, 2015 at 5:40 pmI am so glad I came across this article. I am in a bind and have been searching for some answers. My ex fits the profile for NPD – although he doesn’t act out as rashly as some of the stories I read here – he is more subtle – which is almost harder to deal with. We divorced 4 years ago – we have a daughter who is now 5 – we have joint physical custody. When we divorced – I wanted everything to go smoothly – and I was programmed to not rock the boat – I didn’t want to cause any controversy with him. I know now I should have fought with everything to get sole custody of my daughter. Anyway – we are currently in a trial custody situation where we are “trying out” a new schedule – it is almost 50/50. I am so afraid of the damage he is doing and has already done to my daughter – but I can’t seem to find a way to convince the court that he is not a healthy person for my daughter to be around. He is on his best behavior of course now because he is trying to prove he deserves 50% custody. He hasn’t parented a day in his life – he has always surrounded himself with others – his mother (who is as bad or worse than him with NPD) and now his new wife. I just don’t know what to do – we have to go back in May to re-evaluate the situation. Everyone keeps saying that I should record everything that happens. And I do. It’s exhausting but I do it. However – it seems that no matter what I say – no one believes me. If I observe something consistent – like “my daughter is very negative after spending her 2 days with her father” – He will just say “no she isn’t” and that is that! I am so frustrated – it seems that everything I do or say is only going to be met with him punishing me and in turn punishing my daughter. I think he wants to drag this court battle on as long as I will engage. Even if the court granted me sole custody – I think he would take me back over and over again. I am at a loss. Is there anyone that can help?
Zari Ballard
March 14, 2015 at 9:05 pmHi Ema,
Look, nothing about co-parenting with a NORMAL person is easy so when the other parent is a narcissist, it’s obviously going to be triple that! And you’re right about the sole custody situation..he would make it a nightmare forever until he gets his way. Unfortunately, whether we’re involved with an N or not, the co-parenting thing just sucks. What I do wish that you had was at least PRIMARY physical custody so that you had more say in the matter. You have two choices: 1) push it in court for either primary physical with weekend visitation or go for the sole custody, or 2) stick it out knowing that eventually your daughter is going to be old enough to choose if she wants to go with dad at all when she’s comfortable with you. Children are VERY resilient and unless you feel he is physically abusing her, I’m sure she’s okay. I do agree with keeping a diary of every little thing, as exhausting as it is because you never know when you’re going to need it. Now, when you say “trial” visitation that is almost 50/50…what does that mean? Is this “trial” period just between you both or was it court ordered? I’m not sure I understand that if you’ve had joint custody for the four years. What changed?
My thinking here would be that he’s remarried and moved on and you don’t have to sit around and be afraid to rock the boat any more. Do what your gut tells you when it comes to your daughter and if you feel that, at five years old, she’s better off living at just your place and seeing dad on the weekend…because it’s more stable and you sense a change in her personality, etc., then push it. Or at least push for primary so that you can make the big decisions on your own. He’s made sure that you stay connected to his bullshit forever and there ARE ways around it.
Good luck and let me know how it’s going…..
Zari xo
April
February 28, 2015 at 11:27 pmI’ve been living in a nightmare ever since my daughters father left her in the house by herself when she was only 8 months old. I immediately filed for custody and although I have primary physical he still ended up with unsupervised visitation. I’m fearful every time she goes with him bc he refuses to let me know where she is, if he’s leaving with her with someone else etc. it’s pure hell. He won’t listen to anything I say when it comes to her normal routine. And the courts just let him get away with it all. I don’t know where to turn because I feel like she’ll regress by doing the opposite of everything that she is used to. It’s scary. She’s only 18 months and I just wish he would disappear.
Zari Ballard
March 5, 2015 at 9:38 amDear April,
OMG, girl, your little post brought back a flood of memories about my son’s father. He’s not the narcissist that I speak of in my books but, believe me, he could have a book all by himself. My son was almost two when we divorced and it was a fight. I, too, had primary physical custody and he had weekend unsupervised visitation and it was ALWAYS a nightmare. I never knew where my son was at any given moment when they were together. Even though he had an address with the court, he moved from house to house, from apartment to apartment and I never even really knew where he was living. I would call and he wouldn’t answer his phone. I was anxiety-ridden the entire time he was gone. My son was sickly too when he was little and the emotional turmoil that his father created from every single visit took it’s toll. Twice, when I did know where he was staying, he refused to bring him home and I had to call the police to go with me to get him. This went on for YEARS and I mean YEARS until one day, when my son was old enough to see it for what it was and my ex knew that he couldn’t push him around or use him as a pawn, he simply disconnected his phone and vanished. My son is twenty-five now and hasn’t seen or heard from his father in six years. I, for one, is thankful for it. My son and I are bonded tight. But I know EXACTLY what you are going through – EXACTLY.
Listen to me, don’t so what I did. I let it go on and on for years and years. I let that monster intimidate me and I also knew that my little boy loved his daddy so I let him go every weekend because I thought it was the right thing to do – but it wasn’t. I know that now. For years, my ex also refused – FLAT OUT REFUSED – to tell me where they were or what they were doing. Unless I called (and I did – a lot and he would become infuriated), there would be NO communication. And yes, I would discover things over the years…that my son had been left alone a lot just like your daughter – at a ridiculously young age. It is wrong!!
You do NOT have to put up with this and you MUST end it now or it will get so far out of hand, you won’t know WHERE to begin to fix it. The bottom line is that YOU have primary custody. Trust me, I learned to carry that piece of paper from the court that stated that fact in my purse wherever I went just in case. Physical custody DOES count. If, at any point, you wanted to get her during visitation, the court document holds up to law enforcement – at least it did in Arizona years back. The cops in Tucson ended up hating my ex because he, of course, felt entitled to do anything he wanted and I could always count on him to act like a pompous ass in front of the police. And he was in the military mind you – the Army – and I know now that his job was probably the ONLY thing keeping him from really fucking up, know what I mean?
He can NOT legally get away with taking your daughter and not letting you know where they are. The only way these guys get away with this is because WE allow it. There’s no way a judge would grant you physical custody with the INTENTION of having visitations be a complete cut-off. It’s not logical and you can call the court out on it. It’s utter bullshit and you can fight it. Your ex is being a bully like mine was/is and he will continue to pull this crap for as long as he can. If you don’t feel right about something, TRUST YOUR INTUITION AND PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. Go back to court if you have to. Ask for more specific “rules” regarding visitation. Do it now while your daughter is young. I should have and I didn’t. Eventually, my ex moved out of state but then it became worse because my son would fly to see him and I always feared he’d never come home. OMG…it was so horrible. I am so sorry you are going through that – I understand completely, mommy! But you have rights as the custodial parent…he’s just intimidating you into thinking that you don’t. The problem is that of course the courts can’t do anything unless you step up and I know it’s not easy but it must be done. If I had done it appropriately, I could have saved my son from all that emotional manipulation of being used as a pawn by his narcissistic father.
Please let me know how you are doing….your post opened up a flood of emotions. You simply MUST be an advocate for your daughter at all times (which I’m sure that you are) but ESPECIALLY when she is with HIM..Again, I KNOW this isn’t easy because I can clearly imagine how your ex behaves. But it’s an illusion because he LEGALLY can not just disappear for a weekend or however long he has her. Write a letter to the judge who granted the custofy and drop it off at the court requesting a hearing. In that letter, explain that you would like them to specify and/or tighten up the rules regarding visitation because you fear for your daughter’s safety. Calmly state that you’re not requesting that he not be able to see her but that you would feel at ease if you at least had communication and knew where she was at. They will GET that. After all, YOU HAVE PRIMARY PHYSICAL CUSTODY…NOT HIM. And that counts.
Good luck and stay strong!
Zari xo
anathea
February 12, 2015 at 8:53 pmMy ex N has our kids. Now he wont let me pick them up for my visitation because I am in a relationship someone who HE deems a potential danger to the kids…which is bs. I have UNSUPERVISED visits and he’s trying to supervise me. What can I do??
Zari Ballard
February 13, 2015 at 10:58 pmHi Anathea,
Thank you for writing and I have no doubt that the narcissist is trying to manipulate the situation to serve his own purpose. The point is this: if you have unsupervised visits, then you have unsupervised visits and if he wants to change that in any way, it is HE who has to go back to court and justify it. The fact that you are dating someone that he doesn’t like is too bad and you simply have to stand up for yourself. If he went back to court to say that he doesn’t like your boyfriend and feels he’s a danger to the children, then he’d have to prove that as well and it wouldn’t likely fly. The courts have seen it all. Of course, you know him and I don’t and I certainly know how intimidating they can be. The fact that he has the kids has given him a big feeling of having complete control and in many ways he does. You have to stand up for yourself. Co-parenting with a narc is hard enough, never mind one who has custody of the kids. I see this all the time in the letters from male victims of female narcissists who are awarded custody. It’s not easy and you have your work cut out for you. But the fact is that you have every right to stick up for yourself and he can NOT stop you from having the kids according to the court order unless the courts change it. Until then, you have to deal with this jerk by showing nothing but detachment and indifference when you engage with him. And, by the way, unless it concerns the children and only if it’s necessary (not to rant about your boyfriend), your interactions with him should only be minimal. Create your boundaries and stick to it. Do not let him drag this out to a point where you find yourself not seeing the kids at all just to avoid a confrontation. Narcissists are very good at what they do. Therefore, you have to be even better.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
LJ
February 10, 2015 at 5:50 pmThanks for the information. I am always trying to understand why my ex will not just let go and be a good parent to our son. My ex was the one always complaining about me and threatening to leave. Always accusing me of cheating. It put me on pins and needles trying to make sure I avoided conflict at all costs. Finally, I gave him what I thought he wanted! I told him it was over …and that took ALOT of nerve for me to do. Well, 7 months later and he is still professing his love and saying he misses his family EVEN THOUGH he constantly threatens me, calls me names and tells me I am seeing someone and am a liar. He does this in front of our son, nonetheless! My poor little guy..he is only 2 1/2…he yells at his daddy to stop talking to his mommy that way! I feel horrible. I am now in the midst of trying to decide if I should cut contact completely. I worry for my safety because of the threats and that if I file a no contact order that will make him flip. I worry for my son because he is obviously being affected by all of this. I read a lot about Narcissism and often wonder if my ex truly is one. It is so hard to believe that he could not love our son! Yet, he has done so many things to prove otherwise. When we were splitting up he took our son and said, “don’t you call me daddy anymore.” Who the hell does that?????? When our son was 2 months old, one night he would not let me take him and told our baby he was going to learn a lesson. What? Well, our baby would not stop crying for him so then he starts yelling at him to shut the fuck up! Who the hell does that?
I feel as though I am in denial and get so angry at myself. I bury my head in the sand, hoping that by the grace of God this man will just stop all this nonsense and be a dad and a decent person. I know it is not going to happen, but it is so hard to deal with! I am physically and emotionally feeling it but I am afraid to really stand up to him for fear of him following through on his physical violence promises. I am so ashamed that I cower in fear. I want to be brave for my little boy. I just pray I find the strength. It was hard enough to leave and now I see this constant battle of “co-parenting” is even worse. We were not married and the asshole was accidentally left off of the birth certificate. So this has all been of my own accord. I wanted to play fair and encourage their father and son relationship, but it has just been a nightmare and getting worse. I have to do something! It is just so difficult to cut it all off because it is so hard to get through my thick head that a father could really not care about his son. And I did not want to be one of “those” mothers that kept them apart. As you can see, I am a rambling mess. Something has got to give. Either that or I need to get some damn backbone and call that jerk’s bluff. One other thing, I think I was also trying to wait to see if he would just disappear out of our lives completely, since that is what he did with his other 3 children from 2 different women. He said it was too painful to continue being a parent to them since they weren’t living together. I never could understand that…I would always say it is not about you and it is important your kids know you love them. I guess it is because it was always right there in front of me…he is a narcissist. I just started learning about this. Before I thought everything could be talked out or fixed. How naïve. Thanks for listening.
Zari Ballard
February 23, 2015 at 11:11 pmHi Lj,
Thank you for writing and I’m sorry that you are going through this with your ex. Co-parenting is so difficult as it is, never mind when the other parent is a narcissist. Although you see unsure of whether he really is or not, the fact that he speaks to your child like that and the fact that he could completely cut contact with the other children that he has is a telltale sign. I wrote a book called When Love Is a Lie that I believe will help you decide either way. It’s a cheap and easy read downloadable from Amazon and it’s filled with information about characteristic behaviors as well as the story of my own 13-year nightmare and the stories of others. It also explains the process that I went through getting over it and how I changed my perspective. It’s easy to be intimidated by these jerks but if you allow it, it will never end.
You do NOT have to accept being belittled and threatened and to have your son treated that way. It is wrong plain and simple. You didn’t mention if he has a history of physical violence with you or if he’s just a bully but the key is that you did it once already – by telling him it was over – and you can do it again if you have to. Who cares if you’re “one of those mothers” who keeps your son away from his dad? He doesn’t seem to have a problem neglecting his other children? Believe me, girl, his issue is with YOU and the boy is being used as a pawn to get to you. This is what narcissists do. And, no, they can no more love their own children than they can love their partners. Why should your son grown up like that? It’s ludicrous. Seriously, if he can not be peaceful with you and your son, then a restraining order is the only answer. That way, the only way he can get around it is to go to court and fight for visitation and all that and he won’t want to do that. And I hope that he is paying his child support because if he isn’t, that’s another reason to take him to court.
I don’t want to make an assumption without having more information, but do know that narcissists are bullies. They understand the Art of Intimidation and use it well. If you feel that he won’t be physical, call his bluff. End the contact. Force it to happen legally either way whether with restraining orders or with legal visitation and child support or with BOTH. Enough is enough. You and your son deserve to live in peace and to be happy!!
Stay strong and please do get the book. It will confirm and/or validate whatever suspicions you have had up until this point.
Zari xo