Maintaining no contact with a narcissistic ex would become instantly easier if we’d just admit that our need for closure is really about us wanting revenge.
Certainly, I understand as well as anyone that, in narcissist recovery, the act of agonizing over the lack of closure from a Discard has become, well, the very trademark of our suffering. I know because I, too, did it for years and years. We all do. Oh my God, we’ll say it over and over, whining and crying until either we believe it or everyone around us believes it: “But I didn’t get any closure! There’s never any closure…I need closure….there wasn’t any cloooooossssuure!”
Please…has anybody…anybody….. seen my frigging closure???
Okay, so let’s talk about this “closure” that we all apparently want and need so badly from these unfeeling and uncaring partners. Since closure, obviously, can mean different things to different people depending upon the narcissistic situation, what is this unique, one-of-a-kind closure that, if we had it, would make the entire situation so much easier to bear?
Since much of our time is spent during narcissist abuse recovery crying and weeping and maybe even whining over this lack of closure, then we surely must know exactly what this closure would be for us, correct? The form of closure we envision in our mind should be at the forefront given that we spend so much time grieving its absence so what exactly is it. Well, keep reading and I will tell you……
Two Truths About Closure That You Won’t Read About
Now, here’s Truth #1 (which is both the good news and the problem) about this elusive “closure” concept we’re always searching and yearning for (and this goes for any type of ending to any type of particularly toxic relationship, by the way): there’s no such thing. And I’ll say it again. There’s no such thing.
“Closure” is a made-up word that our society, the movies, and all romance books use to signify a happy or peaceful ending. It’s a word used to describe all those endings in fairy tales that tie up nicely with no loose ends. I mean, closure in real life simply doesn’t – and can’t – logically co-exist with any ending of any sort because any relationship that ends when you’re not ready for it to end is not going to be happy. Now, I’m not saying that, in life, there are no happy endings but damn it, they sure are far and few between. With that being true, how can terms like “happy ending” and “narcissist” even sit side-by-side in a sentence? They can’t – so how in the hell can we even think (never mind cry) about this closure thing when it’s very existence at the ending of these types of relationships is a complete impossibility?
Seriously, what form of “closure” could the narcissist ever provide that would make a damn bit of difference after all that you’ve been through? We’ve been dealing with narcissistic lies and manipulative narcissistic tactics for years now – why on earth would we believe anything he has to say?And, since we can’t even define the closure we want, how can an empty, shell-of-a-man narcissist even offer up anything close to what we think it is that we need to make it all better for ourselves. Moreover, I’m sure most of us got the finger on his way out the door or a hang-up or a nasty remark or maybe nothing at all – and that, I’m sorry to say, was our closure. The fact is that it’s supposed to be over and anything that ends when we don’t want it to is just not going to make us happy no matter how we try to spin it.
Now, all that being said, here’s Truth #2 about closure that you won’t see in a book or on other websites: what we really want is revenge.
Now, let’s talk about that.
Thinking about getting revenge on these jerks doesn’t make us bad people, it just makes us normal. I’m talking about this issue honestly because it has to be done. Wanting to get even with these guys is a huge part of the break-up relative to our feelings and you just can’t ignore it because “getting revenge” is considered politically incorrect or inappropriate. Now, that being said, my own personal discovery or epiphany, after realizing that “closure” didn’t exist, is that we only cry about wanting “closure” because, in our moral, conscious-laden minds, wanting to perform atrocities on these animals seems…well…too narcissistic.
What we really want is that little something else. The truth is this: Fuck closure! We want revenge and we want it now!
If you think this sounds harsh (which I bet most of you do not), the next time your heart is breaking over the fact that the narcissist erased you from his life without giving you a chance at closure, replace the concept of “closure” in your mind with “revenge” and see which image paints a truer, more comforting picture.
To be continued…click here for Part II…..
C
April 15, 2018 at 5:16 pmThat’s an intriguing thought—that closure doesn’t exist. I had a narcissist in my life years ago, and it’s only now, with articles like these, that I am beginning to understand it—I mean, who knew that all this existed? I always tried to get my head around the discard by apologizing and saying something profound that would bring about some kind of mutual respect and understanding—it never happened. I never got the closure I was looking for. Now I’m thinking, maybe closure doesn’t exist because the emotional relationship didn’t really exist. If it was a lie from the moment you were targeted as a source of supply, your emotions were played, and it was not your fault. The emotional relationship didn’t exist, so you can’t close it out with the narcissist no matter how hard you try. But I do find healing in realizing that someone duped me emotionally from the get go, and so the fake relationship and however it ended was not my fault—no matter how naive I was. Even if you are at fault for being in love with love, and not reality, someone was saying false things to encourage that. As for revenge, well, karma always helps—that moment years later when you realize that the person who hurt you has gotten precisely what was coming to them, through a weird set of coincidences. It does happen.
Deanna Phillips
April 8, 2017 at 11:57 am“…How can terms like “happy ending” and “narcissist” even sit side-by-side in a sentence?”
I’ll tell you how….I found out my ex was visiting massage brothels on a daily basis as a regular part of his work day. He was paying for the “happy endings”.
Zari Ballard
April 9, 2017 at 5:49 pmOh I think that those are just the “happy endings” he deserves – the ones he has to pay for. The happy endings we get from the world once the narcissist is gone and we have moved on are absolutely free and abundant!…xo
Deanna Phillips
April 9, 2017 at 7:11 pmPS – Just purchased your book on NOOK. I was really glad to find this site and read all of your blogs to get me through the past few days. There were so many things that I couldn’t make any sense of….this site has made it clear that I never need to glance backward or feel another “what if”. Thank you for putting this info out for those of us who need to find it.
I escaped two weeks ago…put everything in storage and left town. Had to return today — albeit to new apt — and needed to bolster myself in case I ever run into this mofo. I haven’t stopped replaying the past in my head yet, but I think I can ignore his existence now.
Zari Ballard
April 16, 2017 at 2:22 amGood for you Deanna! You CAN ignore his existence! You’ve come way too far to turn back now, girl!….xo
Elke
December 13, 2016 at 3:57 pmI have had my revenge (I unmasked my N in his professional life and he lost his job because of the information I had and shared from him , and I exposed him in his family life sending sex video’s and evidence of his cheating on me to his family) and it felt good in a way although it also made me feel bad about myself because I normally do not believe in revenge and our values and believes make us think that revenge is a bad thing.
However, I still felt/feel the need for closure even after having had my revenge. The nagging feeling is still there. The need for closure is more than the need for revenge to me.
It is the need to be validated. The need to hear “sorry”, the need to talk to the N after seeing things clear again, the need for justice, the need as a victim to be recognized as a victim and to be validated as a person really. To get acknowledgement for just existing.
But we all know that will NEVER happen with these people. NEVER! For me, it is still difficult to realize that people like this do exist, it still gives me the shivers that I was so intimate with somebody so evil and so deceptive, actually enjoying the process of destroyiny somebody. How sick is that. As a normal person I still catch myself thinking sometimes that I must have dreamt all of it and one day he will come over to say sorry. I KNOW this will never happen. But even knowing that, there is this completely wrong “hope” that maybe a final conversation with him would change his perspective on things and he would apologize. Hilarious. I would never take him back. Not in a million years. And no, break-ups are never easy and only in rare occasions go smoothly. But not even having a break-up momentum, not even having a break-up conversation, no talking responsibility for the hurt that was caused, etc, is one of the most difficult things I had to do in my life. Asking for closure with a N is like asking a man with no legs to go out and have a walk with you. Those people are sick. They have a mental disorder. Accepting that and fully realizing that was my starting point to heal. Accepting who they are (without any excuses for their behaviour ofcourse). Sick. With no perspective of getting better. We can and will get better.
Good luck to you all!
Zari Ballard
December 16, 2016 at 7:22 pmHi Elke,
Well, your revenge should have been your closure. For most of us, it would have been. Like you said, the “sorry’s” don’t come with any sincerity and you definitely can’t expect to ever get them now on any level after outing him. LOL The fact that you had cold hard facts and you did something with him that basically put him in his place…exposed him to his family…even though I don’t condone revenge per se, this sounds like closure to me. It also sounds like validation and “justice” that he is what he is. Sure, he has a “disorder” but he’s a grown-up. I don’t cut them any slack on that. The fact is that narcissists know right from wrong…they just don’t give a shit. THAT’S whats hard to wrap our head around.
I would move on and be happy, girl. You got more closure, validation, and justice than most of us here put together!
Zari:)
Me
November 24, 2016 at 2:59 amI am still suffering from PTSD after being completely used by a Swedish narc. He promised me the world but took everything from me. Being a career woman with a high salary, lots of time and love for his children… I ended up sick, a maid and nanny for his enjoyment.
I am out … I packed my stuff and ran.. forgot to bring a few things (very pricy things) and he is holding them hostage. This has been the worst experience in my life and very few people around me can understand why I suffer.
I am almost free… but after new contact to get my belongings I am back in the darkness.
All I can say is … what the @:):( happened? After reading everyday online about this type of disturbed personalities I still cry and miss the idiot!!!
Hopefully soon I will get back my life and I will have my revenge… A wonderful life .. and he will be stuck with his horrible life and choises.
Zari Ballard
December 3, 2016 at 2:16 amHi Me,
I know exactly how you feel because I’ve been there…and so have so many others here. We’ve all gone back in to see if the fire still burns and it always does. Look, it doesn’t matter how smart we are or how much we read while we’re going through it. You can’t force the ending but I assure you it can happen. Please read my book When Love Is a Lie because it explains everything that you feel and how I got past it and survived. You can be a survivor too! Your happiness – which will happen (I promise) – is so very important. I wasted 13-year and I discovered what he was in the 8th year – and I still stayed! So, you are not alone, my sister.
If you need to talk, book some talk time and we’ll work it out. You have it all going on…don’t allow this guy to waste anymore of your life. And yes, a wonderful life is the BEST revenge but it’s a process to recovery. Why waste anymore time?
Stay strong and I’m here to support you….
Zari xo