Narcissistic partners may discard us but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we will feel broken-up. Narcissists may give us the never-ending silent treatment but that doesn’t mean we feel any more disconnected. In fact, it’s quite the contrary. The more a narcissist “breaks-up” with us, the more irrationally connected we feel to this person…sometimes to the point of feeling compelled to demand that we remain together. Our suffering comes from us not wanting to lose our place in line. In the silence, we fear that our position has been downgraded to one that isn’t even worthy of a hoover. The problem with the latter is that there’s no way to know for sure about the downgrade until either the hoover comes or doesn’t come. And so we wait. And while we wait, there’s always something about this particular discard or break-up that just doesn’t seem real…but if it’s not real, then where is the narcissist? Fucking around, of course…doing what he always does! And this surreal feeling he leaves us with? Well, it is absolutely done with purpose and with the intention of keeping us in limbo until he finally decides he’s ready to come back.
It’s amazing how hard we will fight for an imaginary place in line that means absolutely nothing to the narc. The truth is that a narcissist sees all of his targets, conquests, affairs, relationships, acquaintances, passing strangers, enemies, fuck buddies, etc. as all holding the same position. This is my theory and I’m sticking to it! As much as we’d ALL like to think that we’re the favorite…the one that he just can’t live without…the truth is that the imaginary line is horizontal and very straight, not vertical with a hierarchy and with us at the very top (as we’d like to believe). Us and all of those not-so-imaginary people that we imagine he engages with are equal in value to the narc. This is the very concept that we can’t grasp and this is ONE of the reasons why the discard by a narcissist never seems real. He couldn’t possibly have left me for real this time. I’m in top place!
When I speak with people during consultations, inevitably I am forced to push my theory that a narcissist sees all of us on the same “emotional” level – and needless to say, no one wants to hear it. How do I know that the narc doesn’t care about us any more than he cares about the girl who rang out his smokes at the Q-T? How do I know that we can work our asses off to be the prettiest and sluttiest girl at the narcissist’s party and it won’t mean shit to a narcissist who never compares credentials? I know in the same way that, deep down, all of you know…because of the countless times that each and every one of us has been shell-shocked as to whom the narcissist cheats on us with. It’s never the type of person that we imagine. Ever. It’s never anyone who’s as hot as we think we are or as funny or whatever. How many times have you found yourself wondering “Oh my God, that’s who he left me for??? “ Now, not that these new targets are ugly by any means or lacking in moral character but they’re simply not…well..us. And why is that? Because a narc would just as soon fuck whoever is at position six on the imaginary line than he would the top position holder. Because he has no standards that he sticks to which, in other words, means he will fuck anyone (often male OR female although we can rarely prove this).
When we date or marry “normal” guys, it’s usually because we fit into what he considers his “type”. Even if he cheats, it will usually be with somebody close to what we are and how we look. This is just human nature. The narcissist has no “favorite” anything or anyone and, if he does, the reason for it is very self-serving. Sure, we may be the narc’s “favorite” but that’s only because we are the most convenient, not because we’re the best. Don’t ever forget that a narcissist is every bit an opportunist who feels falsely entitled to do whatever he wants whenever he wants with whomever he wants at anyone’s expense. If the person holding the fourth position on the imaginary line grants him an opportunity – oh well!!
Another huge reason why a break-up with a narcissist never seems real is because, over the course of the relationship, we can rarely prove that there’s anyone else on the imaginary line at all!! A narcissist is so good at keeping his worlds from colliding that we can never be sure he left us for anyone all let alone someone with a lower position. This is nerve racking to say the least. However, do not be fooled into thinking that a narcissist is EVER alone when he leaves because he certainly is not. He just, as they say, is “keeping it separated” and if he can’t keep it separated he’ll do it simultaneously but it will still be hard to prove. Narcissists are good at what they do or they wouldn’t be narcissists. Having said that, when a narcissist leaves or discards us or breaks-up with us and we can’t imagine that there’s anyone else because we have no proof we tend to live in that limbo land of whether this is really the end and inevitably we decide that it’s not!
If we understood that our intuition is never ever wrong, we would know that every suspicion is spot-on and that we’re supposed to be broken up with these bastards whether we feel it or not or whether we have proof or not as why it should be over. If we understood that there is no imaginary vertical line with us in the top position and that we’re only the favorite for reasons that are less than complementary, we could break the irrational mental connection we feel to these emotional retards. For me…when I had the “a-ha” moment and finally understood these things…it was as if someone opened a door to freedom and I flew right through it. It was easier for me to fathom that he didn’t care about me any more than he cared about, say, his mom’s landscaper than to fathom that he really loved me and did what he did to me anyway. Just think about that and let it sink in and you will see.
When we get dumped or discarded or when we find ourselves living, as I did for thirteen years, in a perpetual silent treatment, we need to make that break-up real and the only way to do this is by going full-on no contact. It simply must be done. You don’t have to tell him or send a message or anything of the sort. You just have to do it. He can think you’re in limbo until the day he dies if he wants but that’s his problem. The bottom line is that this surreal bullshit keeps us from ever moving on which is exactly what this narcissistic tactic is intended to do. And moving on is what you need to do.
Don’t allow the narcissist’s compartment to become your gilded cage. Unfortunately, this is our reality during these types of relationships and we can’t recover if we don’t start somewhere. Today, by the way, is a great day to get started…one small choice at a time, my friends.