Why a Narcissist’s “Break-up” Never Seems Real

narcissist-is-opportunistNarcissistic partners may discard us but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we will feel broken-up. Narcissists may give us the never-ending silent treatment but that doesn’t mean we feel any more disconnected. In fact, it’s quite the contrary. The more a narcissist “breaks-up” with us, the more irrationally connected we feel to this person…sometimes to the point of feeling compelled to demand that we remain together. Our suffering comes from us not wanting to lose our place in line. In the silence, we fear that our position has been downgraded to one that isn’t even worthy of a hoover.  The problem with the latter is that there’s no way to know for sure about the downgrade until either the hoover comes or doesn’t come. And so we wait. And while we wait, there’s always something about this particular discard or break-up that just doesn’t seem real…but if it’s not real, then where is the narcissist? Fucking around, of course…doing what he always does! And this surreal feeling he leaves us with? Well, it is absolutely done with purpose and with the intention of keeping us in limbo until he finally decides he’s ready to come back.

It’s amazing how hard we will fight for an imaginary place in line that means absolutely nothing to the narc. The truth is that a narcissist sees all of his targets, conquests, affairs, relationships, acquaintances, passing strangers, enemies, fuck buddies, etc. as all holding the same position. This is my theory and I’m sticking to it! As much as we’d ALL like to think that we’re the favorite…the one that he just can’t live without…the truth is that the imaginary line is horizontal and very straight, not vertical with a hierarchy and with us at the very top (as we’d like to believe). Us and all of those not-so-imaginary people that we imagine he engages with are equal in value to the narc. This is the very concept that we can’t grasp and this is ONE of the reasons why the discard by a narcissist never seems real.  He couldn’t possibly have left me for real this time. I’m in top place!

narcissist-abuse-supportWhen I speak with people during consultations, inevitably I am forced to push my theory that a narcissist sees all of us on the same “emotional” level – and needless to say, no one wants to hear it.  How do I know that the narc doesn’t care about us any more than he cares about the girl who rang out his smokes at the Q-T? How do I know that we can work our asses off to be the prettiest and sluttiest girl at the narcissist’s party and it won’t mean shit to a narcissist who never compares credentials? I know in the same way that, deep down, all of you know…because of the countless times that each and every one of us has been shell-shocked as to whom the narcissist cheats on us with. It’s never the type of person that we imagine. Ever. It’s never anyone who’s as hot as we think we are or as funny or whatever. How many times have you found yourself wondering “Oh my God, that’s who he left me for??? “ Now, not that these new targets are ugly by any means or lacking in moral character but they’re simply not…well..us. And why is that? Because a narc would just as soon fuck whoever is at position six on the imaginary line than he would the top position holder. Because he has no standards that he sticks to which, in other words, means he will fuck anyone (often male OR female although we can rarely prove this).

When we date or marry “normal” guys, it’s usually because we fit into what he considers his “type”. Even if he cheats, it will usually be with somebody close to what we are and how we look. This is just human nature. The narcissist has no “favorite” anything or anyone and, if he does, the reason for it is very self-serving. Sure, we may be the narc’s “favorite” but that’s only because we are the most convenient, not because we’re the best. Don’t ever forget that a narcissist is every bit an opportunist who feels falsely entitled to do whatever he wants whenever he wants with whomever he wants at anyone’s expense. If the person holding the fourth position on the imaginary line grants him an opportunity – oh well!!

When-love-is-a-lie
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Another huge reason why a break-up with a narcissist never seems real is because, over the course of the relationship, we can rarely prove that there’s anyone else on the imaginary line at all!! A narcissist is so good at keeping his worlds from colliding that we can never be sure he left us for anyone all let alone someone with a lower position. This is nerve racking to say the least. However, do not be fooled into thinking that a narcissist is EVER alone when he leaves because he certainly is not. He just, as they say, is “keeping it separated” and if he can’t keep it separated he’ll do it simultaneously but it will still be hard to prove. Narcissists are good at what they do or they wouldn’t be narcissists. Having said that, when a narcissist leaves or discards us or breaks-up with us and we can’t imagine that there’s anyone else because we have no proof we tend to live in that limbo land of whether this is really the end and inevitably we decide that it’s not!

If we understood that our intuition is never ever wrong, we would know that every suspicion is spot-on and that we’re supposed to be broken up with these bastards whether we feel it or not or whether we have proof or not as why it should be over. If we understood that there is no imaginary vertical line with us in the top position and that we’re only the favorite for reasons that are less than complementary, we could break the irrational mental connection we feel to these emotional retards. For me…when I had the “a-ha” moment and finally understood these things…it was as if someone opened a door to freedom and I flew right through it. It was easier for me to fathom that he didn’t care about me any more than he cared about, say, his mom’s landscaper than to fathom that he really loved me and did what he did to me anyway. Just think about that and let it sink in and you will see.

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When we get dumped or discarded or when we find ourselves living, as I did for thirteen years, in a perpetual silent treatment, we need to make that break-up real and the only way to do this is by going full-on no contact. It simply must be done. You don’t have to tell him or send a message or anything of the sort. You just have to do it. He can think you’re in limbo until the day he dies if he wants but that’s his problem. The bottom line is that this surreal bullshit keeps us from ever moving on which is exactly what this narcissistic tactic is intended to do. And moving on is what you need to do.

Don’t allow the narcissist’s compartment to become your gilded cage. Unfortunately, this is our reality during these types of relationships and we can’t recover if we don’t start somewhere. Today, by the way, is a great day to get started…one small choice at a time, my friends.

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85 Comments

  • Ashleigh M Jenkins

    June 23, 2017 at 9:00 pm Reply

    Ugh, don’t even know where to start with my story. I was involved with, what am now positive is, a narc for a year. I am just trying to make sense of it all for my own healing and sanity. He always kept my title as “special friends” and claimed emotional unavailability as a reason for being non committal. Little did I know he had a girlfriend the whole time. Once I found out, he claimed they were engaged, but in the end they were already married and expecting a child. For 3-4 months he was still with me while married/pregnant. He did everything to try to hide it. When I figured it all out, of course I told her, found her number and called her, I knew it was likely she wouldn’t believe me, but just in case I felt I needed to protect another women and give her info she had the right to know. In the end he changed his phone number, he threatened me he would do so if I couldn’t keep quiet. I didn’t care, his desires didn’t mean anything to me anymore. What I would like to know is, if these narcs really do want to keep you around forever for their own needs, why would he change his number?? Did he realize I was far too much of a risk and could not be manipulated any longer?? I would love your advice and feedback. Thank you so much!

    • Zari Ballard

      July 10, 2017 at 1:27 am Reply

      Hi Ashleigh,

      Some narcs change their number all the time…mine did and it never stopped him from calling me when he wanted to return. The only thing it changes is that YOU can’t call HIM and that’s the point. And honestly, if you knew she wouldn’t believe you, I don’t know how contacting the pregnant wife of your narcissistic lover would provide her any “protection” at all. The very fact that she’s pregnant would probably cause her to reluctantly look the other way. Otherwise, she’d have to deal with the pain at a most inopportune time. He’s obviously an awful person and everyone figures it out at some point. What you could have done, as soon as you knew, is threaten HIM that you would call her if he didn’t leave you the hell alone. That might have worked but, having said all that, it is very possible that by calling her and completely upsetting the household at this time, he is completely done. For your sake, I hope he is. Go forth and be free…there’s no time to waste in this very short life.

      Zari xo

      • Ashleigh Jenkins

        July 10, 2017 at 5:48 am Reply

        Hi Zari! Thank you so much for your reply. I know you’re right, as hard as it is to believe it was all a lie, it was. I’m just learning how to embrace I am better off without him. I will say, at the time that I spoke to his wife, I did not know she was pregnant. I found out a few weeks after speaking to her.

        • Zari Ballard

          July 10, 2017 at 2:53 pm Reply

          I know it’s hard, girl. Just hang in there and be confident in the truth that you know. It is KEY to everything:)…xo

  • FINALLY FREE

    December 26, 2016 at 8:42 pm Reply

    Karen,
    Look, don’t waste a second trying to figure out ‘why’ he did this to you! He did it for one reason: he’s a narcissist! It’s WHO he IS! It has NOTHING to do with you AT ALL! Unfortunately the inability to move on is substantially based on the fact that over time he has diminished your sense of self. Your confidence shattered. If you were in a strong, independent, ‘love yourself’ state of being would you put up with a guy who dates 3 woman at one time??? Definitely not. The best way to “MOVE ON” is to get help in healing yourself and regain your confidence. IT WILL HAPPEN! But PLEASE for the love of God, DO NOT BE JEALOUS of the other woman! They will be next on here giving their horrific story about that loser and what he did to them. Nothing to be jealous of there, seriously! Mine had everyone under the sun telling me I’m “the one” also… his Mom would come to my work and shed tears about it. It was ridiculous! Then literally ONE DAY after he mailed a card to my house expressing his undying love for me I saw him at a public place with his new supply…he saw me look his way and grabbed the girl to make out with her. It was gross. I was not hurt I was disgusted, but also not in the least bit surprised. When he emailed me with all kinds of apologies and “let me explains” I simply said “Nothing to explain, it’s who you are. Good luck in life, you’ll need it” Thankfully I have not heard from him since (6 months and going….)! They SUCK ! Don’t shed any more tears over someone so disgraceful. Good loving caring people simply don’t do this stuff to others. Hold your head high, look in the mirror and say “I deserve better!” and block his ass!! Peace Girl!

    • Zari Ballard

      December 27, 2016 at 2:21 pm Reply

      So true! Thank you for sharing, FINALLY FREE!…..Zari xo

  • Karen

    December 17, 2016 at 3:43 am Reply

    Please could you remove my surname from my posts Zari , as I don’t want him or anyone to find me on here X.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 19, 2016 at 11:05 pm Reply

      Hi Karen,

      Do you see your surname? I don’t see it. All I see is your first name which you can change if you like when you post again. Your email doesn’t show either. Even if you change your posting name, as long as you use the same email it will still post quickly. Let me know the articles where your comment with a surname is showing and I’ll change it right away.

      xo

      • Zari Ballard

        December 19, 2016 at 11:07 pm Reply

        I found them…changing them now….

  • Karen

    December 17, 2016 at 3:35 am Reply

    I have had an almost three year relationship with a narcissist and during that time he has had at least 3 other relationships , one for a year , one for 18 months , one for 10 months …… There’s almost always been three of us in his life ….. None of this I knew until last weekend when my months of detective work and seeking closure came to a head and I managed to meet with 2 of the other women . The problem now is I feel jo closure as I have no idea why he did this to me ….. He refuses to discuss it it meet with me , but via the other woman is telling her that he and I were never right . She’s agreed to go to counselling with him and stay with him …… He’s love bombing her and getting friends etc to tell her she’s the definite one ….and they walk awAy hand in hand into the sunset ….. I’m insanely jealous , can’t move on and feel like my life is over.its a week to go to Christmas and I have done nothing …. All I want to do is stay in bed and hope he comes back ….. Why am I like this !? Why have I given him 3 years of my time and I’m still waiting …. I’ve no clue how to pick up the pieces and move on X

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