As I coach people through narcissist abuse recovery, I see a behavioral and emotional trend occurring about the third week in. It typically happens after an abuse victim is feeling pretty good about having little or no contact with the narcissistic abuser. Emotionally, the victim becomes confused and can no longer differentiate between the feeling of normal break-up sadness and the sensation of having second thoughts. Behaviorally, it often leads to major self-sabotage.
This trend of self-doubt causes me much angst because I remember my own behavior with the narcissist and if I had known then what I know now I would have never succumbed to the false feeling. I would have checked myself with the calm understanding that my logical head, in all traumatic situations, always impatiently waits for my heart to catch up with it. Impatience, however, is never a virtue. Inevitably, it becomes the most detrimental obstacle to recovery from emotional – and often physical abuse – at the hands of a narcissistic partner.
About the third week into recovery, even as we talk everything through, all of the awful memories of the narc’s chaos campaign begin to fade away. I recognize this all too well. We miss this person so much that we contemplate not living. The narcissist, of course, is living just fine as he or she always has because moving on is what they do best. The problem is that we turn our sadness into something else…something it is NOT. We associate sadness with feeling “wishy-washy” and this is anything but logical. I was guilty of this myself and it was my downfall. However, now that I guide people to recovery, I realize how big an obstacle this confusion really is.
One woman that I speak with regularly and love dearly is having second thoughts about her divorce from a man that I believe is probably one of the worst narcissistic abusers that I have ever known about. I told her that his moving out was going to bring some very sad moments and this was normal. We are NOT narcissists and therefore we need time to heal. We simply cannot flip a switch. Out heart needs to catch up with our head and this is no easy race. We want so much to find a quick fix for recovery that we inadvertently misread our own feeling and sabotage the journey. We confuse our post-breakup sadness with being “wishy-washy” and since our response to that wishy-washy feeling throughout the abuse has always been to find our way back to the narcissist, we automatically – and out of habit – turn down that same damn road. In essence, we give up too quickly. Think how crazy this is….we know damn well that we do NOT want to be with this person yet if we linger a tad too long in the post-breakup sadness, we somehow think that going back to the monster is the answer. It makes no sense
I am here to tell you that normal sadness and feeling “wishy-washy” are two different emotional scenarios, the biggest difference being that sadness will eventually pass. Going back to the narcissist, nothing passes. In fact, things will get progressively worse and fast. By misreading our feelings…by not trusting that we are doing the right thing…we impose upon ourselves a death sentence, real or figuratively.
To recover from narcissist abuse, we have to learn to trust ourselves. We must literally ignore the heart because the heart – in these types of relationships – will always try to trick us into taking the path of least resistance. Just when our head has finally convinced us to go down the right path, our heart does a 360. Humans are so fearful of the unknown – even when they know that the unknown all but guarantees a brighter future – that they stupidly return to the abyss for another round. The place of abuse actually becomes comfortable because at least we know what the future brings. In light of the fact that we only get to live once, to back slide is doing ourselves a great disservice.
I hear this statement many times a day: I do not want this person back yet I miss him so much. What the fuck is wrong with me? My response, in turn, is the same every time: Nothing is wrong with you. You are normal. You bleed. You feel pain. This too shall pass. You will get better but you must be patient. We are all grown-ups here and a grown-up should know that a full recovery takes time. While it certainly possible for someone to wake up the day after a break-up feeling awesome, I would have to say that this is the exception to the rule.
Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of love. Stay self-aware. Learn to recognize normal feelings of sadness and avoid knee-jerk reactions to it. Give yourself a chance at happiness within an unknown future. Consider that the end of the path appears blurry because the future is still to be created and not because something bad awaits you. Have faith that your personal and emotional freedom from narcissistic abuse is absolutely the right thing to do.
Deepa
March 30, 2019 at 11:41 amHi
My firend s a victim of narcissit abuse . The narci has been into too many relationships and has had tapped my friend too in a very well planned manner and has brain washed him upto to the level of marrying . But she was exposed due to her bad luck . Having known her true colours , he withdrew himself from her and went into no contact mode and was recovering well . . Having textimg him for few attempts and calling to which he dint respond , she has gone to no contact mode.
My friend has invested in her emotionally and says that he s unable to handle the hurt . Though he claims that he has thrown her and s determined not to get back to her he revisits the past and feels low . He misses her sometimes though there was nothing real in that relationship. . He s unable to handle the hurt and her no contact mode .
Kindly help us and suggest ways to get out of the hurt and how not to get back missing her .
Leah
December 5, 2018 at 11:06 pmso proud of you, Harry!!! I did read your all caps message to narc-ex. It was relieving for me, too. Thank you.
Tara
September 14, 2018 at 6:51 pmHello Zari,
I’m a survivor of covert narcissist abuse. I would like to humbly share my encounters and experiences with people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder not just in romantic relationships but also in spiritual circles, so it may be helpful to others who may be going through a similar experience. I feel it is important to educate ourselves on the different shades of NPD because we can meet people with NPD anywhere in all levels of society. I wish you all much love on your road to recovery. <3
Read my story here: https://souljournaling1.blogspot.com/
Laura K
September 3, 2018 at 11:10 amWow, I needed this today. I fell off the no contact wagon pretty hard yesterday and I’m dusting myself off today and starting all over(it feels like). I broke up with my narcissist BF a week and a half ago after I found out he cheated, yet again. I am pregnant and about 3 weeks from my due date and I feel more alone then ever….even though strangely I have really been alone the whole time. I do NOT want him back. But I contacted him out of anger because just thinking about all he has done to me and how my whole pregnancy has been hell because of him, well…I guess I wanted to lash out. I wasn’t even able to do that because he played the silent treatment. So I felt even more stupid then he normally makes me feel. Then there is the baby…I feel like just because I broke up with him now he will use the baby when she arrives as a tool to hurt me…
Harry Subasic
August 22, 2018 at 1:26 amWell I thought I was done with that part of my life . Have had NO CONTACT with my abusive ex since mid-December 2017 . Thought that by me not talking to her and the fact that she had someone new , I would be left in peace . How stupid of me . Today I get 2 emails that I didn’t read and double deleted . But I could she the first few words of the emails and the first one started “Why can’t we be friends?” . The second started “I miss our friendship.” Makes me so angry that I want to scream ! I want to write back in all CAPS ! I want to write back; ;;;;;;;;;
“FRIENDS ? WHY CAN’T WE BE FRIENDS ? MAYBE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE TIME YOU WERE DRUNK AND YOU TOOK YOUR LONG FINGERNAILS AND TORE MY CONTACTS OUT OF MY EYES WHILE YOU WERE TRYING TO BLIND ME ! MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE OF THE TIME YOU DRUGGED MY COFFEE POT WITH SLEEPING PILLS AND i LUCKILY PASSED OUT AFTER ONLY DRINKING 1 CUP . MISS OUR FRIENDSHIP ? YOU WEREN’T MISSING OUR FRIENDSHIP WHEN YOU DISAPPEARED AND WERE DATING THOSE 6 DIFFERENT GUYS DURING OUR 5 YEAR MARRIAGE ! OR MAYBE IT’S THE 100 OTHER THINGS YOU DID TO SABOTAGE OUR MARRIAGE FROM THE VERY BEGINNING ! WHERE WERE YOU THE WHOLE YEAR OF 2017 WHEN i SPENT THE MAJOR PART OF THE YEAR IN THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE i WAS ILL AND CAME CLOSE TO DYING AND WAS EVENTUALLY PUT IN A MEDICALLY – INDUCED COMA ? WHERE WERE YOU !? AND I KNOW YOU DON’T REALLY MISS ANYTHING ABOUT US ! I KNOW THAT FOR SOME REASON YOU AREN’T GETTING WHAT YOU NEED , THE DRAMA AND THE CHAOS , YOU USE TO FILL UP YOUR NARCISSISTIC GAS TANK THAT FUELS YOUR LIFE ! WELL SORRY {NOT SORRY} BUT YOU WILL NEVER USE ME AS YOUR WHIPPING BOY EVER AGAIN ! I HAVE A GOOD LIFE NOW ! I AM CONTENT AND HAPPY IN MY NEW LIFE AND NOTHING YOU SAY OR DO CAN DRAG ME BACK INTO YOUR WHIRLWIND OF CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION ! NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN ! EVER !!!
But i’m not going to write back . I’m over that part of my life and nothing can take me back there . Sorry friends but I needed to vent . Feel a little better now , not so angry , If you read this thank you ! I wish you peace ☮️
Diane gibbs
August 1, 2018 at 5:09 pmWow,
I recently divorced after being married to a sociopathic narcissist for 35 years. And yes, I loved him, grieved over the losses, and still miss him. But , now his girlfriend of 4 years has reached out to me to confirm that I tried to warn her! She also has apologized for the wounds and hurts she caused me while with him..(she became his puppet and drank the koolaid) It is cathartic for us both to know we were NOT the unhealthy ones. He is 65 and all therapists have said he will never change- only change victims. He recently married a sketchy person he knew only 3 months… She is a model, actress and posts their photos all over social media.
Looks like the Karma bus has finally picked him up!!